My Beloved Oppressor

Heiner looked puzzled like someone who doubted his ears. Clenching her fists in her lap, Annette spoke again.

“You must think I’m really, really crazy.” (A)

She felt strangely empty, though, in this situation she should grab him by the shoulders and string together a few words of resentment.

Annette lowered her head and then raised it again.

“It must be so. If you pretend to be in love with a woman you hate and disgust……… that woman is a fool for loving you too, so you can laugh at her for doing so.” (A)

She gave a small laugh, as if it were really funny. But the laughter soon subsided. Then she continued with a face that had lost its laughter.

“But if it was like that…I’ll tell you what I told you three years ago. I will tell you when you have achieved your goal and no longer need to deceive me. I didn’t even know that…” (A)

She choked on her emotions. But no tears came out. A tight voice flowed from deep within.

“For three years I have loved you more….” (A)

Heiner’s eyes seemed to shake with those words. No, perhaps her vision shook. Annette quietly dropped her gaze.

For three years, her love had been broken countless times, making it hard to tell its original shape.

Frequent crumbling meant often rebuilding. For three years, Annette had often crumbled, and in turn, had often been rebuilt.

He will be back. He will smile again. He will change his mind again. He will whisper kind words again. He will love me again.

How much more must this be repeated?

“Even now.”

Heiner broke the silence. He asked in a voice that sounded broken around the edges.

“Even now, do you still love me?”

Annette thought his words were sarcasm or ridicule. It wasn’t that kind of tone, but it sounded that way to her anyway, at least.

Annette mumbled with a bitter smile on her face.

“If I say I do, how pathetic am I?” (A)

The stove quietly warmed up the room. Annette’s gaze turned to the sheets of the bed and spoke blankly.

“I don’t quite know. I loved you the way you pretended to love me. Everything I loved about you turned out to be a lie, so isn’t my love a lie too?” (A)

Veins protruded from his hands as they rested on the floor.

Annette remembered the past when she buried her cheek in those hands.

“Now, what’s the use of all that…I also think ………. I just can’t blame it on love, because the situation I’m in isn’t very good.” (A)

Would it really be the first time that countless times it had been rebuilt and rebuilt again? Annette wasn’t sure. In fact, it didn’t even seem important.

“My heart is not particularly useful anyway. Whether I love you or not, nothing will change.” (A)

Annette, who had raised her head again, just had a peaceful look on her face. As if she had no past.

“It will never happen again.” (A)

“….”

“Never again.” (A)

****

As she had vaguely anticipated from the moment they entered the hotel, it seemed that Heiner was planning to stay here for the night.

His attendants had brought his luggage, which included a change of clothes, shoes, and toiletries. Annette took a shower with the hot water provided by the staff.

When she came out of the bathroom after changing, she stopped. Heiner, whom she thought would stay in another room, was sitting at the table flipping through a newspaper.

“…Are you staying here too?”

 “Why, if I stay somewhere else, would you run off by yourself again?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“It’s about not knowing.”

Heiner replied curtly and stood up. As he was about to enter the bathroom with his clothes, Annette hastened to tell him.

“Wait a minute, get the staff to get some warm water.”

 “It’s fine.”

He turned back again as he was about to close the bathroom door. A cold voice came through the gap in the door.

“Don’t even think about leaving. Unless you want to be caught and dragged away by the attendants.”

After the door closed, Annette stood there in a daze. She felt a little confused. Like his venomous tongue earlier, he seemed genuinely angry.

She listened to the sound of the water for a moment before stepping away. She sat down at the dressing table and pressed her wet hair with a towel.

On the surface of the glass was the reflection of a woman with empty eyes. There didn’t seem to be a single sign of life. Annette rubbed the mirror once, leaving a handprint on her mirrored face.

By the time she had dried her hair and laid down on the bed, Heiner came out of the bathroom. Annette pulled the covers over her and curled up. Heiner turned off the lights and then turned on one of the gas lamps on the table.

The yellow light dimly illuminated one corner of the room. He took a document envelope from his suitcase and sat down in a chair.

Annette closed her eyes and tried to sleep, but she did not feel sleepy, let alone sleep. Every now and then there was the sound of papers being turned over in the desolation.

‘Why did he come all this way when he’s so busy?’

Even after hearing all the messages from Heiner, she still could not understand his behavior.

Heiner acted as if he did not want to see her or as if he wished to sit by her side forever.

Either way, their relationship was as precarious as standing on a shallow, frozen lake. 

Heiner worked until late at night.

Annette glanced at him. The sound of his pen writing something, his fingers tracing over the paper, his low breathing…

Only after a considerable time did Heiner turn off the gas lamp and get up. As he walked over to the bed, Annette turned and moved herself to the edge of the bed. Heiner narrowed his brows at her actions.

“You haven’t slept yet?”

 “…… I couldn’t sleep…”

Heiner climbed into bed with a look of some discontent on his face. The mattress felt like it was sinking.

 Annette sat up shakily and poured water into a glass on the side table. Then she bent over and picked up the handbag that lay under the bed. She took a medicine bag from inside and went to open it, but he grabbed her wrist.

“What is it?”

“It’s medicine.”

“Sleeping pills? Why?”

“I can’t sleep.”

“So every time you can’t sleep you take sleeping pills? Do you think that’s any good?”

“It’s not like I take it because I like it.”

Heiner sighed irritably and snatched the pills from her hands. With her hands still raised, Annette helplessly watched him.

She wasn’t sure what part of herself had angered him again. What did taking medicine have to do with him?

“Don’t take this stuff anymore. Do you want to become addicted to it?”

“I’ll take care of myself.”

“Let you do as you please and this is how you take care of yourself?”

Annette turned her head to avoid his eyes.

It was always like this every time she talked to Heiner. He didn’t like everything she did. Perhaps just her mere existence annoyed him.

‘…I wasn’t like this before.’

She would often think about the past, even though she knew it was pointless ruminating.

In the past, there was always love and affection in their conversations. Sometimes they fought, but it was just a little conflict, just like normal lovers.

After a quarrel, Heiner was always willing to apologize and seek reconciliation first. After making up, he always hugged Annette and kissed her forehead and cheeks.

‘In hindsight…….. I suppose it was because he, for his part, had to maintain a good relationship with me.’

Because in order to become a member of the Marquis’ entourage, he would have had to be sure to marry the daughter. He must have pretended to be happy and to love her.

Her stomach churned even though she hadn’t eaten anything. Annette turned to lie down, then turned her head at the sound of Heiner getting up again.

He set the teapot on the stove and selected the tea leaves the hotel provided. The sound of boiling water filled the silence. Soon the room was filled with the faint aroma of tea.

“Come on.”

Heiner held out a teacup. Annette’s eyes widened as she looked up at him. He urged her on.

“Drink.”

Raising her upper body, Annette inadvertently accepted the cup of hot tea. A warm feeling passed through the palm of her hands.

“It should help you sleep.”

“…… what is it?”

“Chamomile.”

Heiner’s voice was still brusque and sounded seemingly displeased.

She didn’t know what he was thinking.

Annette sipped her tea, taking in his expression. Heiner looked at her coldly and tapped his chin.

“Give me your bag.”

“My bag—why?”

“To see.”

See what?

Swallowing her words, Annette hesitantly picked up her bag. Heiner snatched it from her and sat down on the bed. Then he put the belongings in the bag out on the bed one by one.

 “Are these the sleeping pills?”

 “No, the sleeping pills are these…………….”

“Then what is this?”

“Headache medicine.”

“And this?”

“Digestive medicine.”

Annette, watching his hard face, added as an excuse.

“Because my stomach keeps getting upset.”

“What does the doctor say?”

“Just ……”

Annette was conflicted for a moment, then answered honestly.

“…… I’m oversensitive.”

It would all have been revealed anyway if Heiner had asked Arnold. She didn’t want to tell unnecessary lies for the sake of her pride.

Heiner held the medicine bag quietly for a while. Then he silently looked in the bag.

His warm face seemed to say, 

“Of course.”

Annette gently tugged at her lower lip. After taking out most of the belongings, Heiner picked something up from the bottom of the bag.

It was a white piece of paper. Annette’s face hardened as she realized what it was.

It was Ansgar Stetter’s business card.