My Beloved Oppressor

Heiner’s jaw tightened. He lowered the ledger and pulled out the jewelry box. He had seen this jewelry box several times in their romantic days. Heiner opened it slowly.

Contrary to his expectation that it contained plenty of jewelry Annette owned, it was empty inside. Only a diamond ring lay there.

It was their wedding ring.

Heiner stared it blankly. The large diamond shone in the darkness.

No other jewelry could be found in the room. It seemed that this was the only jewel currently in Annette’s possession.

It was reported that on the day of the shooting, Annette had disposed of some of her jewelry.

However, it was not a very large amount. Then, was that all of Annette’s jewelry?

Since the amount of money from the disposed jewelry was not that large and, if anything, replacing jewelry was her maidenly hobby, she did not care much.

But now that he thought about it, it was time to sort through her belongings.

Heiner picked up the diamond ring with a trembling hand.

“Where did your ring go?”

“I just took it off.”

“Just?”

“It doesn’t make sense to wear it anymore.”

Heiner looked down at his hand. He still had his wedding ring on his ring finger. He had never taken this ring off.

Even when he hated her deeply.

Even when he wanted to kill her sometimes to ease his mind. When he visited her room with useless excuses to see her face.

Or the many nights he spent loitering in the garden overlooking her room. Heiner had never taken off this ring.

***

The woman lying motionless on the bed was pale but still beautiful.

The caregivers were constantly taking care of her, and Annette looked much the same as she usually did. Annette, it seemed, would wake up as soon as he called her name.

Heiner stared blankly at the bandage wrapped around her wrist. The bandage on her small, thin arm looked strangely thick.

He fiddled with the ring in his hand. He tried to put it back on her finger, but the bandage was on her left hand. She was also clenching her fists weakly.

She looked so precious that he was afraid to touch her carelessly. Even if it was just to put on a ring on her hand, it was far too much to handle.

After much deliberation, Heiner eventually put the ring in his pocket again.

The iron chair creaked. He leaned his elbows on his knees and stared at her face. For a very long time he had been coveting and craving…

Old memories soared like water from a fountain.

A small girl sitting in the corner of a flower bed, sobbing sadly. A fine dress, long, neatly braided blonde hair and glassy eyes.

“Annette.”

A girl who was so dazzling and noble that he felt like a sinner just looking at her.

“I still………. don’t know what to do.”

You are still as innocent as ever. Even if you choose death, it cannot replace your innocence.

So nothing is resolved between us.

If you wake up again, what am I to do?

Heiner clasped his hands together and rested his chin on them. His heart was so painfully tight that it was hard to even sit up straight.

“When you wake up…”

His throat choked up slightly. He let out one shaky breath and spoke with difficulty.

“Let’s go to Glenford.”

He couldn’t say let’s go back to happier times. He couldn’t be sure that everything would be better than before. They had drifted too far apart for that.

“If you want to see the ocean, I will let you see it.”

Nonetheless, Heiner said so.

“I will take you wherever you want to go.”

If you want to ride the train, ride with me; if you want to walk along the seashore, walk with me; if you want to see  artist’s paintings, see it with me; if you want to pick up seashells along the sand, let’s pick them together.

“So come with me………..”

Heiner reached out to touch her cheek. But the hand that hesitated in mid-air inevitably failed to reach her and was quickly retrieved.

He still hated her. He still couldn’t forgive her. He still wanted revenge, and he still wanted to tie her to his side, leaving her unhappy.

“So come with me.”

Nonetheless, Heiner said so.

***

It was the evening of the fourth day when Annette awoke.

Heiner, who was sitting by the bed flipping through a document, swiftly caught her small movements. Her eyelashes and fingertips were moving slightly.

Jumping up, Heiner spat out her name in a shaky voice.

“Annette?”

Her eyelids trembled as if in response. Heiner immediately called a doctor.

“Annette, are you awake?”

Annette’s eyes slowly opened. Her blurry pupils were unfocused. Heiner spoke incessantly, worried that her eyes would close again.

“Can you hear me? Can you see me?”

Little by little the light returned to her blue eyes. She blinked again. Heiner called her name again in a wistful voice, a mixture of relief and anxiety.

“Annette……!”

Annette’s gaze reached him from wherever she had been following in the air. For a moment all her movements stopped with a snap. Her dry lips opened and then closed again.

The next moment, Annette’s eyes were stained with despair and disappointment.

Her hands and shoulders began to tremble thinly. Her quiet breathing gradually quickened.

Like a small animal, eyes wet with grief, she seemed to be asking why.

Heiner watched the series of changes, but could not perceive them properly.

The door burst open. A couple of nurses and a doctor hurried into the room. The doctor asked Heiner, who was standing by the bedside, for his understanding.

“I’ll check on the patient.”

Heiner retreated in a daze. While the doctor checked Annette’s condition, he could not take his eyes off her face.

Tears trickled down on the corners of Annette’s eyes. She sobbed in a hushed voice, her shoulders shaking.

“Madam, can you please nod your head? ……Madam, can you hear me? Can you nod?”

The doctor’s calm voice went round and round in his head. Heiner clenched his fists and released; he was not sure what to do.

A bloodied bed. A body lying like a wax doll. Limp arms, hasty hands administering first aid—the day seemed to replay itself.

After completing several tests, the doctor approached Heiner.

“She appears to be conscious, but her mental state is unstable. I think we should let her rest a bit.”

“….”

It was then that Heiner finally turned to the doctor. A belated reply poured out.

“Uh, yes.”

“I think it’d be better leave the room with just one nurse.”

“…… yes.”

Heiner nodded, looking too distracted to think for himself. It took a few seconds for his mind to comprehend the doctor’s words.

Annette closed her eyes and shivered. Tears ran down her temples incessantly. He slowly turned to his feet.

Heiner continued to stare at her until he left the room. Scenes of Annette’s eyelids opening, her exposed pupils darkened, and finally her tears welling up were played continuously.

A white face flickered through the narrowing door. Eventually the door closed completely. He leaned against the wall by the door. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. 

I’m tired.

‘I have to — talk to her.’

Heiner thought, even in his confusion. He didn’t know what to do, but he just had to.

There seemed to be so much to say. There was so much to ask and answer. The fact that she was mentally unstable—yes, she had just woken up, so there was that.

It would get better when she came to her senses. Heiner was going to talk to her. Something he had been avoiding for a very long time.

Annette might regret her decision to commit suicide. It must have hurt when she slit her wrist. Because she hated being sick.

Pain was not the kind of thing you get used to. Heiner knew that very well. A weak woman like her could not endure pain. Like her ……

The thought that had been growing endless branches suddenly froze.

An empty laugh flowed from between his lips. His large body slid down against the wall.

He grabbed his hair with both hands and lowered his head between his knees. He knew this was all a stupid idea.

 Just because Annette had tried to kill herself did not mean that everything could be back to the way it used to be.

‘But does that mean I want to keep pushing her into the abyss?’

I don’t know.

He himself was in a situation where he had no answers, and a conversation with Annette was not going to change that.

It was also a funny thought that Annette might regret her suicide attempt. Heiner could read everything from her waking eyes.

Annette was in despair that she had survived.

While everything was foggy and unclear, that was the only thing that was certain.

That was the only reality left.