My Beloved Oppressor

Heiner was again confined to his cell. The burned wound in his chest was repeatedly festered and ruptured.

He was terribly ill all night. His whole body was burning hot and painful. He gasped, struggling to even breathe, and at one point he was so cold that he clutched himself and shivered.

It felt like a very long time had passed. One day the guards brought him back to the interrogation room. Someone was sitting on the other side of the desk. It was Anne.

“….”

Heiner was speechless as he looked at her bony body. She was literally looking horrendous. He might not be able to tell without a mirror, but he probably wouldn’t be much different than her.

After looking down at the desk for a while, Anne finally opened her mouth. A dry voice poured out, scratching at her throat.

“Let’s talk…”

“What?”

Heiner asked back, as if he doubted what he had heard. Anne said again.

“Let’s just blow it as it is, what’s the use of holding on like this? This is …… What the hell is all this?”

“What are you talking about? Did the guards threaten you?”

“It’s all the same.”

“You think they’re going to let us off the hook for doing that? Do you think they’re going to let us live, if we blow the whole thing?”

Anger was in Heiner’s voice. But Anne continued without batting an eye.

“No, they won’t let us live.”

“…”

“That’s what I want. To die  quickly.”

Anne’s red, swollen eyes were unfocused and vacant. Heiner stared at her, speechless. Anne was a completely different person now.

“You—why did you suddenly………..”

As any trainee would say, Anne was greatly loyal to her country. Heiner couldn’t understand why she would suddenly say such a thing. No matter how badly she had been tortured…

“Heiner, who do you think ratted us out?”

“I don’t know. ……”

“It’s Jackson.”

“…”

“The interrogator told me. It was then that the puzzle finally fit perfectly. That bastard was a spy all along… Isn’t it funny? He was the one who saved my life in the previous operation, but he was France’s spy.”

Heiner opened his mouth and closed it again, the back of his head cool. Actually, maybe, just maybe… he had expected it. He just couldn’t admit it by a long shot.

Anne laughed in a cracked voice.

“I’m not so sure anymore. Jackson was also my classmate at the training camp, but then he was brought in there as a spy from an early age. To be raised as a spy from an early age…………. I wonder how much he was brainwashed in France.”

“…”

“I wonder if Jackson thought of us that way, just as we thought of Jackson as a f*cking spy for France.”

“….”

“I was wondering what in the world this was all about………….. Heiner, I don’t know what is right anymore………”

Tears welled up from Anne’s eyes. Heiner looked at the tears blankly. She slumped down and sobbed.

Heiner slowly looked down. His hands on his thighs were trembling. He tried to clench his fist, but he could not do it.

He held his hands together as if in prayer.

****

In the end, Heiner said nothing.

For while the goal of Anne and her colleagues was simply to die quickly, Heiner’s goal was different. His goal was to live.

That was why he said nothing.

He had no idea how much time had passed. In the darkness, Heiner thought and thought of the girl over and over again, engulfed in pain and loneliness.

Sometimes he missed Annette, sometimes he admired her, sometimes he resented her, and sometimes he hated her. Unexpressed thoughts spread their  branches out of alignment.

Annette Rosenberg.

You know nothing of what is going on. All you do is sit gracefully at the piano and play whatever you want.

You, the daughter of a Marquis, know nothing of what I endure these works for.

He knew it was a twisted thought. But, deformed as his mind had been from the start, this enclosed space and the harsh conditions were driving him into a quagmire.

Heiner hated her and resented her terribly, but before long he missed her again. Annette Rosenberg. 

No.

It wasn’t your fault. You were just born too precious. Only, no one told you these things.

When you find out, you will think something is wrong with this world. You will feel sorry. You will be angry. Because your soul is as noble and pure as your performance—.

Longing, yearning, resenting, hating, missing again, yearning, resenting, hating…… the thoughts repeated endlessly. He felt like he was going mad. One day, war broke out in France.

It was Rutland’s war for independence from France. The chances of winning the war tilted to the side of Rutland.

Prisons and interrogation centers fell, and political and ideological prisoners captured by the Labor Party were released.

Taking advantage of the chaos, Heiner and a few surviving colleagues stole France’s secrets and escaped.

He also burned the records that his colleagues had disclosed, but not all. In the process, two colleagues whose condition was serious got eliminated.

Deon was among them. Heiner eliminated them according to the rules. He could not deliver them back into France’s hands.

In the end, apart from Jackson, Heiner and Anne were the only survivors. By the time they reached the border, Heiner turned around, re-gripping his pistol. Anne was following him, breathing heavily.

 “Ha, ha…what’s wrong?”

Anne looked at him curiously, wiping the sweat off her face. Heiner raised the muzzle of his stolen gun without answering. Anne’s hand, which was wiping the sweat from her forehead, stopped.

The air felt cool. There was not an ounce of tremor in the aimed muzzle. Anne slowly lowered her hand and slowly closed and opened her eyes.

The pistol dropped from Anne’s hand with a pop. She muttered with a small, disappointed smile.

“Yeah, well ……..”

“…”

“

Maybe it’s right to die here.”

Anne had a lot to say to France. There might be some records that had not yet been burned. If the Marquis found out about this, she wouldn’t be able to die in peace anyway.

Even if not for this reason, Anne was a traitor who had leaked state secrets.

Traitors would be punished.

No one would be left behind.

It was a sentence they had learned so well that it was etched into their brain. Anne, who had come from the same training camp, knew this. She knew it, and that was why she said what she did.

Never question the system and its orders. That was their way.

Bang!

Gunshots echoed through the forest.

Blood gushed from Anne’s head. Her body, which seemed to stand still for a moment, eventually collapsed.

The moment seemed very slow to Heiner. It was as if a chain of images were being shot in sequence.

Her powerless body no longer felt massless. The grass was stained red with the blood that flowed from her head.

Heiner stood still with the trigger pulled. His posture remained the same, but unlike earlier, the gun muzzle was shaking like mad.

He lowered the muzzle like a broken doll. His eyes blurred for a moment, then became clear again.

Heiner staggered and grabbed his face with one hand. His head was dizzy. He caught a glimpse of Anne’s fallen body through the fingers that blocked his view.

Why…?

Why did he kill her?

He couldn’t quite remember why. His mind was hazy, as if a fog had settled in. He looked back for a while and listed his stammering thoughts.

Leaking state secrets.

Because she was a traitor.

Traitors must be dealt with.

But what did Anne betray? Suddenly a small question popped into his head. The answer came shortly.

The motherland.

Their homeland.

But was it really their homeland?

Heiner rubbed his face with a trembling hand. The blood that had dotted his face disappeared.

Who was Padania a homeland for?

His thoughts tangled in a mess. But the end pointed to a truth whose shape was unknown.

Ann’s words lingered around like tinnitus.

“I wondered what in the world this was……….”

What was what?

“Heiner, I don’t know what is right anymore……….”

What was right and what was wrong?

His heart thumped. He felt like Anne was getting up now and blaming him. It was an emotion he had never felt before, even though he had killed countless people.

 Heiner backed away slowly. The grass felt heavy and sticky under his feet.

He turned and fled.

The forest rustled in the wind. In his blurry vision, the whole forest was red.

Heiner ran through the red grass. He ran and ran.

His breath came in choked gasps, the sensation of pain engulfed his wounded body, the screams of his colleagues and the smell of blood trailing behind him, but he kept running.

He kept running because he still had to live.

He had to make it home alive.

“Heiner, what do you hold dear?”

To where his precious things were…………