My Little Secret

"I met him at Comic con. This fest thing that happens every year. I was dressed up as my favourite character from this manga I was obsessing over, Misaki." I say and look at Ivan. We were sitting on the grass in the park nearby. He was still having his ice-cream and I finished it.

"He was dressed up as Usui Takumi, Misaki's love interest. It was surprising because it wasn't a choice most guys would go for. We walked the ramp together for the cosplay competition and instantly became good friends. The other two days of the comic con, we spent it by buying manga and judging other cosplayers. We were inseparable after that. Adam had this about him, he made me feel like home. Some people have that, they make you feel like home. He was my safe space. There was passion and love and we fought so hard, but made up and it seemed like we hadn't even fought in the first place."

I paused to look at Ivan. He was listening intently.

"Last May, we were in the car. We were arguing about something, it was irrelevant, when our car crashed. It happened suddenly. I woke up a few days later and Adam wasn't in the hospital with me."

I say and choke a little. My voice broke.

"The last thing I remember is us fighting. If there is anything I could change in my life, it would be that night. If I could only tell him how much I loved him." I say and nod my head as the tears raced down my cheek.

Ivan hugged me and I cried harder.

I looked at him and continued. "Adam always taught me to live my life to the fullest. There was a point where I was entirely dependent on him, but he taught me to be independent. Whenever I was stressed, he knew how to calm me down. I am patient because of him, I am what I am because of him. He taught me how to accept myself as I am. Nothing more and nothing less. He made me fall in love with myself. That is why I loved him. He was my best friend. He is an important part of my life, Iv. I just, I think you should know that." I say and wipe the tears off my face.

"He would be so proud of who you are right now Sof." He says and wipes the tears off my face and kisses my forehead. I hug him and stay there for a few seconds.

"You know something?" he says softly.

"Mm?" I say with my eyes closed and in his embrace.

"You make me very happy."

"So do you." I say and smile, still closing my eyes. I kiss his cheek and hug him again. My chin on his shoulder, I hug him tighter like I was afraid to lose him.

Ivan looks at me and pushes my hair away from my face. His fingers trace my skin and we just sit there, in silence. It felt like we didn't need to talk stuff. Silence would suffice.

"I think when you love someone, your heart beats normally, not fast. Your body and mind know you're in the midst of someone you trust. Like a safe zone. It only makes sense that your heart beat is normal. It wouldn't be love if you are nervous around them." He says.

"That's an interesting logic actually." I say softly. I move my fingers on his arms. They were soft and muscular. I take his hand and kiss it and rub it against my cheek.

"I'll drop you back." He says and takes the keys from me.

I rest my head on his back all the way back home, my arms around him.

"Why don't you stay over tonight? I'll make you pancakes for breakfast." I tell him.

"Very tempting, sure. For the pancakes." He laughs and comes with me.

I take out the blanket from the cupboard, we would be needing a bigger one. I slip into the bed and snuggle closer to him. He extends his arm so that I could use it as a pillow. I give him a peck on his lips and he puts his hands around my waist and pulls me closer. He kissed me back, tugging on my tee. He kissed me gently, his hands now in my hair. I loved it when he did that. I could do whatever he wanted me to do in that moment.

I smile at him and hug him. His hands were in my hair, he was playing with it. I could hear his heartbeat. It was calm. His hands stopped moving and his breath got heavier.

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you, Iv." I say softly after a few minutes. No response.

I look at him, he was sleeping like a baby. I gently kiss his cheek, careful not to wake him up.

I close my eyes. For the first time in a long time, I fell asleep feeling safe.