My Little Secret

*

Dear Ivan,

Hoping you're doing well. There are times where I wish I could talk to you so badly that I just want to take my phone out and call you. Then I remember the promise I made, for you to have the best shot in your life. I am very hurt that you did not try to contact me yet, its been days, but I guess I can't blame you. You must be having too much going on in your life to even think about me.

Do you think about me, Ivan? Cause I do. I think about you more often than I should. Especially since I should be moving on. I know you're better off without me, and I'm better off without you but my heart keeps me from letting go. I miss you more than I can admit. I can only hope that you do the same.

I know this letter wouldn't reach you but it feels like I am talking to you. This is the millionth letter I am writing to you. Honestly, I've lost count. When things get better and it doesn't hurt anymore, I'll read these and feel good about the magnitude of feelings I had for you. I can only hope that it would warm my heart.

Will write again soon.

Yours,

Sof.

*

I put down the pen and fold the paper neatly and put it into the envelope I made. I put the envelope with the rest of the stack. I really did lose count. I had a lot of emotions inside me to let them stay. I wanted to make sure I had it pen down somewhere just in case. Just in case for what?

There was a part of me that did not want to let go of Ivan, even though I knew this was pointless. Things were getting nowhere. It had been almost two months since he had talked to me. Was he mad at me? Of course, he was. I left without giving him closure about why I was doing what I was doing. Why did it matter anyway? It was for his own good. Should I have believed Bryan? Was whatever he told me actually the truth? It was too late for all this anyway. Ivan must have moved on. He would have been happier with Catherine. It was where he belonged.

I walk to the counter of my kitchen. Poirot was at my heel. I look around for my coat. Despite staying in this new apartment for two months, it seemed like I had moved in yesterday. I always got confused.

Bryan offered an apartment by the sea but I obviously refused. The place I was staying in was one of Simon's apartments. He had plenty of them scattered around the city. Sometimes I wondered what Simon's profession was, before he worked at Absolem. Scratch that, owned Absolem.

I bend down and touch Poirot's muzzle. He licks my fingers and I smile at him weakly.

"Time to go for a walk buddy." I say and put the leash around him.

"Bryan" I looked shocked as I find him standing at the door when I opened it.

"May I come in?"

"Sure." I make way and he enter in. The smell of his cologne fills the room. Our eyes meet and he knew what I was thinking. I had so many questions in my mind.

"He's fine. He's doing better than I expected." He says and looks at me like I was supposed to protest.

"Ivan and Catherine are having their movie premiere this weekend. I got you tickets and the invite.

Ivan would want you there."

"He wants me to be there? Why?"

"Ivan knows what Ivan wants. You'd think I'm difficult to read, but I'd never understand Ivan's motives." He says and shakes his head.

"Thanks for the invite." I take the envelope from him and watch him leave.

I place the envelope on the table and sink into the couch. Going did not seem like a good idea to me, but I wanted to see Ivan so badly. I open the envelope and read the invite. The dress code was burnt rose and I frowned as I read it. It was oddly specific, could have been Catherine's idea although I was sure she wasn't going to wear something normal. It didn't matter, no matter what I wore she would always be better than me. With Ivan by her side, she would be perfect regardless of what she wore.

I suddenly had a sinking feeling in my heart. I did not want to go, I did not want to see Ivan moved on. It would only cause too much pain.

The bell rings again and I wondered who it was this time.

"Package for Ms. Malitz." I had received a box the size of large tv. I open it and exclaim.

It was the most beautiful dress I had ever seen. Strangely, the dress I wore when I went to the movie awards ball. It was a gift from Bryan. Looking at the dress brought back memories buried deep down from that night. It was almost so magical.