My Little Secret

"Dear Adam,

I woke up thinking of you. I've missed you; it's honestly been a while I thought about you and I think it all makes sense now. I dreamt of us. We were on your couch, the couch we spent months on, the couch that holds so many memories of us laughing together, fighting, making up, falling asleep after a tiring day. But out of all these memories, there is one than stands out. It's the memory that brings tears to my eyes just like the memory itself. It's the memory of you consoling me when I cry. I dreamt that I was in your embrace, while your hand was gently patting my back. Except this time, I wasn't crying. I could hear the sound of your heartbeat. It was calm although I knew you were happy that I was around. It always was calm. How did you manage to do that every time? I could never hide the excitement when I was around you.

"I know you won't believe this, but I needed you as much as you needed me." You say and kiss my forehead. I shut my eyes tightly, afraid the tears might fall.

"Why are you telling me all of this now?" I manage to say without faltering.

"A part of you knew that, you just didn't believe it. You never realized how much impact you made on people Sofia, especially me." You say as you run your fingers through my hair. Did I ever tell you how safe that made me feel?

"Why did you have to leave, Adam. I can't do this alone without you."

"Of course, you can sweetheart" The way you say the last word, I can never get enough of it." You're brave, you always have been. I just helped you see it."

"No, I'm not."

You simply chuckle. You always do that when I make stupid arguments and you're left with nothing to say.

"I will always need you."

"It makes me sad when you say that" you say with sadness in your eyes.

"I don't want to ever see you sad." I say and hug you tighter.

"I don't see what people are anymore, when I make contact, I see nothing. It was the only way to protect myself after you left and now, I've lost that too."

"You weren't supposed to have it, it's a burden."

"A burden?"

"Ever wondered why it even came to you in the first place?"

I nodded my head. "After you left, I sort of had a protective charm around me."

"Why did it go away?"

"I don't know."

"You know it Sofia, you're just too scared to admit it."

"No. No, no. It's not that. I refuse to believe it. It's always been you Adam."

"Sweetheart," you said and I closed my eyes. I knew the words that would come out of your mouth.

"No, please stop saying that Adam."

"I just want you to be happy" you say. You meant it, I felt that.

"I will always love you Adam, despite you not being here."

"I know." You said and tears streamed down my face.

I didn't know it was possible to cry in our dreams. Till I felt tears streaming down my cheeks as I opened my eyes, knowing these were real.

It felt like I had lost you all over again. The pain was too excruciating to handle. I knew the instinct went away because I let myself believe again, but it was a mistake and I want to let you know that I am hurt right now and I need you, Adam. I need you to tell me I am okay and that there is nothing wrong with me and that everything is going to be okay. Because honestly, no one can do that except you. No one can handle me like you do and that is both sad and beautiful at the same time.

Love,

Sof."