North x Northwest

Ed waved his hand in displeasure while Lil stared back at him with hesitation.

“Good work, captain.”

Lil replied with a straight face as if her excited face had been a lie.

“You too. Take a good rest.”

Ed let Lil shed a side glance as the latter passed Cesar, who didn’t even look at Ed. Jericho handed him a dry cloth. Going down to his cabin, Ed wiped his face. His wet face was drenched in a smile this time. He had no way to hide his overflowing joy and wiped his face for no particular reason.

It was difficult to guess what the origin of Lil’s necklace was, but this was an unexpected achievement. It is clearly an object that contains the power of Forma, the goddess of beauty. Ed opened the cabin door and remembered Belus’ last words.

[Ne longe tibi Orsay absit.]

‘May the protection of Orsay be upon you.’

[Ita sic me Forma amment.]

‘Here is the blessing of Forma on you.’

***

Heavy rain fell. The storm was quite strong. The cabin, which rose on the waves, was filled with dampness. The damp shirt was clinging to his skin. A bustling sound could be heard in the distance as the deckmen scooped up water.

As Cesar stood without sitting down, Lil gazed awkwardly at his feet. The water was dripping, perhaps because it was raining. Blobs of water spread, painting the floor thickly. Lil was depressed that Cesar was silent. The navigator was equally depressed, not wanting to say anything. 

‘I’m not sure why Cesar is so upset. After I left after obtaining some fresh air, I apologized for not returning immediately. But he still seemed to harbour a grudge.’

Lil squeezed her neck.

“I don’t know why you’re being like this. What makes you feel so upset?”

Cesar frowned at Lil who was clearly dissatisfied. She was sitting on the bed, talking to him without making eye contact. She used to strive to be nice even when he was upset, but not this time. It was a small difference, but Cesar saw it. And it didn’t take him long to figure out why. Someone had stepped in between him and her and forced her to change.

‘While it was nice to have solved the problem with the mermaid, Ed intervened in the process. I had already heard that he had some sort of tactic.’ 

Cesar’s patience had reached its limit.

‘What transpired after that was inexplicable and difficult to believe. She not only enjoyed diving with him, but they also conversed in the water. Furthermore, when Lil and Ed climbed the rope ladder to the top of Bell Rock, Lil naturally reached out to him. What makes him so special? She even cracked a smile.’

“Why did you go to him?”

“What?”

“Did you come to him expecting him to be the solution, or did you just come to seek for help?” 

“It’s the former; why would I cling to that guy arbitrarily?”

“What made you think that?”

“What…”

Lil hesitated for a moment. She never told Cesar about the myth of Orsay. No, she couldn’t convey to Cesar the very conversation she had with Ed in Panichi. 

‘How can I say this? That it’s the first time I met a person who understood me. It’s incredible that he has the same thoughts as me. And how that wasn’t the first time I felt lonely.’

Lil answered with something that wasn’t a lie. 

“He often talked about myths. God of the wind or something… I’ve heard him talk about it. I heard he picked it up when he was at the Imperial Clairaut. So, I thought he would be helpful.”

“…”

“I was going to tell you, too. If you didn’t stop me after asking me why I wanted to rescue the mermaid, I was going to tell you, ‘Let’s go to Ed.’”

“Why did he help you, and what did he get in return?”

“There’s no price.”

“How could…”

Cesar was surprised by Lil’s unexpected answer. Lil turned away from the red eyes that had grown for a moment. And his eyes only continued to widen.

‘How should I explain it? In fact, it was because he was like me that Ed accepted my request without getting anything in return. As he said in Panichi, it is because he also believes in innate authority. Because he agrees that it’s right to let a mermaid’s tail swim freely on its own.’ 

Lil believed Ed’s sincerity, and she apologized for lying to Ed, and that’s why she said she wouldn’t pay for anything. 

‘If Ed had first found a mermaid that was in a tank, he would have been the first to think of rescue, just like me. Because both Ed and I want to help the mermaid at no cost. I’m convinced that Ed and I share the same stand on this. But how do I say this to Cesar?’

“He helped me without that.”

Cesar stepped forward and asked.

“Why do you think it was?”

“Because he knows I dislike him? Because he wants to impress me? I don’t know, how should I know?”

“Is he more than just a member of your crew?”

Lil thought Cesar’s last question was ridiculous and frowned. 

“What’s wrong with you? He only knows me as a captain. He thinks of me as a man.”

“I don’t need to know how he feels.”

“Then what do you need?”

“You.”

“… ”

“How do you feel?”

The voice that asked that question was gloomy. Lil couldn’t comprehend his intent of asking such an absurd question so seriously. Nonetheless, Lil couldn’t evade Cesar’s query.

“What do you mean?”

“Do you like him?”

Whereas Lil was taken aback by the sudden question, Cesar looked very proud of himself. It was the same regardless if he spoke or wrote. With his words, he never said anything that could harm his self-esteem. As a result, Lil was unable to respond quickly or control her facial expression.

Cesar is seriously suspicious of Lil now. Given there seemed to be goosebumps on her face, anyone could recognize her own embarrassment immediately.

“What are you talking about?”

Cesar stared at her face and said nothing. Lil tightened her facial muscles and denied it more strongly.

“I’ve never done anything to make you feel sorry. I wasn’t immoral.”

“How do you feel?”

“What… what have you been thinking about since the beginning?”

“You told me the other day. That one can’t stop the mind. Even if the body is not, the mind is free and can fly anywhere. You said, ‘Just because the body is there, doesn’t mean that the mind is.’”

“Why are you bringing that up?”

“You are here. But where is your heart?”

Lil didn’t know what he wanted. 

‘Do you want to confirm that my heart is not here, or what are you trying to do?’ 

Up to this point, Cesar believed or pretended to believe. Lil’s heart, Lil’s love, was doubted only shortly after they became together. Lil meant to ask him out of fear. 

‘Why are you asking? What have I neglected? Now, what else do I have to prove?’ 

Lil pressed her trembling lips together to answer.

“Here.”

Cesar took a step back. He took a heavy breath and sat down at the desk. Normally she would have hugged him, but the terrified Lil couldn’t even approach him. 

‘What’s missing here?’ 

As her unspeakable voice echoed in her chest, Cesar slowly wiped his face dry.

“Liloa, you’ve been unusual today; you don’t even speak like your regular self, and I don’t sense your want to work together to solve this problem; you’re different from usual, and that’s why I made a mistake; I’m not suspicious of you.”

“You and I had a fight, don’t you remember? In Jacques Poussin’s captain’s room. Can’t I even have time to recover from the hurt I felt?”

“Why do you think so? Do you think you are allowed only a small room to feel the hurt?”

Cesar stared at Lil whom he thought was really acting strange. His dark red eyes were looking straight for an answer. Cesar knows what he’s talking about. Who, what, and how much? But that didn’t make any sense now. Lil responded with the feeling of a prisoner confessing her sins.

“No.”

Upon confession, one’s sentence will be confirmed. The eternal prison called Lil. The condemned prisoner received a lot of mercy, and after the god of death entered through the open grate, he closed the entrance. When the bars were locked, the prisoner raised her eyes and looked at the prison. Inside the prison were fragrant fields, sparkling rivers, and magnificent castles. She was in tears at the dazzling scene. This castle was very beautiful.

“You can enjoy anything.”

“Yeah. I’ll be able to enjoy a lot of what I’m allowed to do. Very, very much.”

“Liloa. That makes me sad. I’ve never taken the attitude of granting permission. When did I allow you to do this and not allow you to do that? I always make decisions with you in mind. Don’t you think like that.”

“Yeah, I did… I’m sorry.”

In that castle, Lil sometimes had sweet dreams. She dreams of Cesar throwing herself away. An object that could not abandon its subject could be freed only once it is ‘discarded’. Lil crouched on the floor of the cold castle.