North x Northwest

Whereas Lil wasn’t afraid of being alone, Cesar had a specific reason for not being able to separate himself from her. In that sense, Lil simply couldn’t muster the same level of conviction. 

‘That’s why I always hoped that one day Liloa would feel the need for me, but till now she never ‘needed’ anything. This has always been the most difficult part… Liloa is in that way an entirely different person than Carl*…’

Cesar now wondered how he could ever have them considered alike when they were so dissimilar. 

‘Carl found stability and happiness in his marriage, but Liloa doesn’t seem to enjoy the idea of loving someone, let alone getting married. When I asked what she wanted, she only said she wanted to be treated like a human being. Of course, I immediately asked her how I could treat her like a human being, she replied she didn’t know herself, but that what I was doing now, wasn’t the way… To this day I still have no idea what she exactly wanted from me… I did learn over time that she had a problem with how I ‘only saw her as a woman’, which eventually got her really upset and angry. I had always been careful not to hurt her whenever we sparred until it one day came to the point when she threw her sword away. It wasn’t hard to grasp the situation. I probably would’ve been similarly offended if someone hid their abilities and lost on purpose… But at the same time, it felt absurd that Liloa refused to acknowledge even the most fundamental differences between men and women. For Liloa there’s only a very small difference between the two sexes, but in my eyes, there’s a huge difference between femininity and masculinity… It was almost as if she yearned for the realm of masculinity…’

Cesar wanted her to be free, which is why he insisted on respecting Lil’s decisions no matter what they were. But some of the decisions she had made have been deemed too masculine for her by Cesar standards.

‘Whenever she did, I always thought she didn’t have to go that far. She could live her life however she pleased without stepping out of her female boundaries. I became disappointed with how her unconventional choices put us in an uncomfortable situation. From that moment I started to feel alienated from Liloa because she acted so bold and manly. I even had moments where I wondered if I was really with a woman… Now that I think about it, Liloa, unbeknownst to herself, was probably pursuing the realm of men to desperately prove her own ability…’

“…My lord! Where… Hah… hah! Where are you going in such a hurry?…”

While calling out to Cesar, an accompanying servant eventually reached their side. Apparently, as soon as Cesar saw a woman who looked like Lil, he ran towards her without saying anything.

“Go to the villa and bring the Viscount’s petition.”  

“Pardon? The petition?”

“The envelope delivered by Viscount Noirmont.”

“Oh, that huge envelope. Where should I take it?”

Cesar motioned towards the restaurant in front of him. A quick-witted servant immediately dashed to it to announce the arrival of their guest. One of the guards, standing upright at the restaurant’s entrance, opened the door and the servant quickly disappeared inside. 

A few seconds later, the manager of the establishment came out to greet Cesar.

“Sir Cesar.”

The manager accepted the hat that Cesar took off. As Cesar brushed his hair and stood at the door waiting for Lil, the manager held out his hand for her as well. However, Lil ignored the man and headed straight inside. After Cesar looked at Lil’s hat, he stopped the manager from attempting to receive it. 

As soon as they entered, loud buzzing and the sound of tableware clattering could be heard. The smell of gravy wafted in the air. The interior of the restaurant was gorgeous with light green lambris and gilded border decorations. The hall they walked through was equally adorned with various statues and replicas of the masters, probably collected by the owner of the restaurant, and frequently hung mirrors reflecting the images of guests eating. 

Cesar and Lil passed through the crowded hall and eventually reached their designated seats in the inner room. Because Lil didn’t take off her hat even after the manager had already left, Cesar similarly sent away the orchestra, who began preparing to play in the corner of the boudoir, for he understood that Lil wanted to hide her face.

When they were finally left alone, Lil removed her hat. Her hair, which had been rolled up in her hat, fell and gave off a lovely scent. Cesar was taken with the way her hair cascaded down her shoulders. He couldn’t remember how long it had been since he had faced her with such a fragrance in her hair. Lil’s skin, which hadn’t been exposed to the onboard life for a while, shone smoothly in the light coming through the window. Her cheeks were a pale pink. It was the kind of sight he’d always desired; Liloa, sitting across from him in the VIP room of a fancy restaurant. 

‘She isn’t even wearing her necklace.’

Despite wearing a vest, Cesar could clearly feel Lil’s breasts sticking out under her silk shirt. 

“The necklace…”

“It was taken away. It’s been about a week since I came to my senses.”

“You look healthy.”

“…Really?”

Lil touched her face as if she was really surprised to hear that. Her face, obscured by her rich hair, was revealed little by little along with her touch. The movement itself looked so beautiful that Cesar couldn’t take his eyes off her. The image of her that he wanted to see so much moved in front of his eyes like an illusion. Cesar always longed to see the feminine beauty of Lil. Out of nowhere, he even became worried that he was the one looking shabby in front of her. He had almost forgotten about his external tension, and now it had tightened up again. 

Cesar brushed the collar of his coat for no particular reason.

“Are you still hurt anywhere?”

“The doctor there is competent. I received a lot of help.”

“By doctor, you mean… the Admiral?”

“No, there’s another one. Her name’s Levi.”

“Are you comfortable living in the Admiral’s residence?”

“Well, you can say that.”

An unknown feeling of discomfort spread inside his chest. Cesar was confused. Apparently, instead of hearing she was fairing well, he rather heard her say that it was uncomfortable or that she was getting fed up with Ed. 

‘Did she forgive him? I know with Liloa’s temper that it could be for a completely different reason why she’s still staying at his residence, but it’s hard to turn a blind eye to it.’

Cesar tried to shake off the unpleasant fantasies that kept coming back to him.

“I was very worried.”

“I’m sorry… It never occurred to me to contact you as I thought you…”

“..?”

Lil sighed hesitantly. The clear delay in her words made him nervous for some reason. Due to the anticipation, Cesar completely forgot that he could easily guess the next part, but instead, he remained silent and waited for Lil to continue.

“…I thought you were in Gualtiero.”

“You did?”

“I thought you were too, because Ed said the crew was brought to the prison.”

“I was pardoned for not participating in the battle.”

“That’s a relief.”

“…”

As Lil drank some water, Cesar also raised his glass. The water seeping through her lips caught his attention, especially when she opened her mouth and moved her tongue through her wet teeth.

“Where are you staying?”

Cesar had the strange illusion that if they kissed now, they would be transported back to the past. It seemed that the past, which was marked with affection and intimacy, would explosively embrace them, and such a revived sense would vividly unite Lil with him again.

“There’s a villa owned by my brother’s company.”

“Ah. I see.”

But Lil’s actions indicated that it was all just a futile fantasy. It appeared that her calm moving lips would never agree with the heat he was feeling.

Even though Lil already responded verbally, she nodded as well.

‘She doesn’t seem to have any more questions… It’s as if there’s nothing else to be interested in. I expected her to be curious about the time she was unconscious, but it appears she’s just putting up with her time with me by asking trivial questions. Maybe she already heard the whole story from Edgar… no, no. She thought I was held in Gualtiero. So Liloa’s silence is more of a declaration of not wanting to begin a lengthy conversation… Is there really nothing else she’d want to ask? Is this really it?’

Every minute that followed brought Cesar a new realisation of despair. He, himself, had too many questions; what was she thinking, how she was feeling or what did she think about him now. 

‘I finally understand that Liloa feels no obligation to confide in me, so in her eyes, she doesn’t have to tell me anything about how she feels… Still, I want to know all of it…’

“Aren’t you going to ask why I pretended not to know the Admiral during our encounter in the Count’s mansion back in Amiaeng?”

“It’s okay.”

“…”

“I don’t resent you.”

‘She sounds like she won’t give me the indulgence…’

No matter how much water Cesar drank, he still felt thirsty. Just as he was losing himself in his distress, a waiter brought a tray in and Lil quickly put her hat back on, ending their conversation. 

Behind the waiter came his servant holding an envelope.

“My Lord, is this correct?”

Cesar didn’t answer and accepted the thick envelope handed to him by his servant. The servant, who squinted at Lil, left the inner room after saying that he would be waiting outside.

Cesar nodded without looking at the menu of the appetiser that the waiter was holding out, so the waiter put down the menu instead. When the waiter went away, Lil relaxed again, however she remained silent. 

‘Perhaps she hasn’t heard the entire story from Edgar yet.’ 

Cesar was determined to explain himself. Lil didn’t ask, but he didn’t want her to hear it from anyone but himself.

So, he first held out the envelope…

 – – – – –

Footnote:

Carl: To refresh your memory, Carl is the older brother of Cesar, who, especially in their younger days, had a weak constitution and relied on Cesar a lot.