North x Northwest

“How can I forget, you were the only cadet who didn’t call me Miss.”

Cesar considered it fortunate that it was a meaningful reminiscence for Lil rather than a painful memory.

‘I don’t want everything to remain shabby. But this alone isn’t enough. This is but a very small achievement. Even if it’s for mere self-consolation, I need more conviction.’ 

He was certain that he had made a certain impression on Lil and that no one else could do the same. 

‘It can’t be this trivial. There’s no way she only sees me as this much.’

Cesar was terrified that he would’ve to go through the rest of his days with only this small confirmation of emotion to hold on to. He wanted more validation, so he added to his words.

“I was afraid I’ll live on in your memory as a regretful…”

“Don’t say that. I don’t regret it.”

Cesar nodded his head sharply.

“That’s a relief.”

“To you always… Thank you. Yes. I’ll always be grateful.”

Cesar was taken aback when Lil wiped her mouth with a napkin, indicating that she was about to leave and end their conversation. There were still a lot of feelings he wanted to know. Lil’s departure came far too soon. 

“Has it been difficult for you because I was lacking? It pains me to think that it must have been.”

“You’re not lacking. There’s a place where you can be perfect just the way you are. It’s a shame you’ve been turning your back on it and now beating yourself up like this.” 

“I’m just sorry.”

“Then should I also say I’m sorry?”

Lil seemed to understand what Cesar was about to say, so her eyes turned to the window again.

“If you’re sorry…”

“I’m not sorry now. I’m sorry for the past, which hurt you inadvertently and made you suffer. There were so many things I didn’t know and looking back on it now, I wonder why I was so stupid, I really… I guess I was just too young then… Yes, you can call it young and inexperienced.”

“I had the same thought. Liloa. We can begin again…”

“Cesar. It’s too late.”

“No.”

“If you stay with me I’ll only ruin you, Cesar, all this time, I… I was breaking you…”

“…”

“I might go south again. This conflict has made things worse in the South. I’ll spend years there if needed. That’s what I’m thinking. I’ll live like that. No matter how much we regret the past and reflect on our mistakes, it won’t change if we go back together.”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Cesar. Your salvation brought me here and made me who I am today. Although it wasn’t how you wanted it to be, I care about you, deeply respect you, and am grateful to you. Just because it wasn’t the kind of special emotion between a man and a woman, that doesn’t make it any less precious. At least for me… for me, it doesn’t. I’ll never forget you. I can’t erase you and I never intend to…”

“…”

After a short silence, her determined voice spoke once more.

“I’m sorry I let you go so late.”

“..!”

‘No, not yet. This isn’t working. She wasn’t moved at all. No matter how much she cares about me, no matter how grateful she is to me, in the end, I can’t be with her. Those are all just shallow emotions that won’t matter if we live as strangers from now on. What does it matter what kind of feelings we harbour? This resolves nothing…’

At least that was what Cesar felt. 

‘I haven’t even explained my ignorance of Edgar’s identity in Amiaeng yet. However, Liloa seems to have already finished everything. No amount of explanation will affect her decision…’

One second passed and Cesar’s panicking thoughts quickly changed direction. 

‘Shall I make a pitiful excuse now? Shall I ask for forgiveness? Shall I keep her here by asking her not to do this? Shall I repeat that pathetic and boring story that I will follow whatever she wants to go?’

While Cesar’s mind was wandering around, Lil stood up without delay, murmuring that she had work to do. Too stunned to completely comprehend what was going on, Cesar made his way through the hall with Lil, not at all remembering how they suddenly got out of the restaurant.

When he came back to his senses, Lil was already waving her hand. 

“Goodbye.”

“…”

‘If I don’t answer back, maybe I can delay it even a little bit.’ 

Cesar couldn’t afford to even open his mouth, but Lil didn’t seem to care, so he unconsciously accepted the hat that the restaurant manager handed over. Lil, who was watching, looked up at Cesar as she scanned his attire.

“It’s nice. It suits you well.”

Smiling faintly, Lil put on her own hat, making it unable for Cesar to see her face anymore. Cesar guessed Lil would turn away from him anytime now, so he spoke in a hurry.

“Liloa.”

“Yes?”

‘Liloa no longer responds to anything but petty farewells. Even when I tell her that I’ll gladly accompany her if she goes to the South, or that I’ll accompany her anywhere else for that matter, she knows I’ll eventually get bored and tell me to quit.’

Cesar suddenly realised how many times he had repeated those words without heeding them. However, it was the only thing he knew how to say. He didn’t know any other magical language capable of changing Lil’s mind, just as Lil was unable to tell him she loves him…

“…Please take care.”

“Yes. You too.”

And with that answer, Lil moved away.

Cesar stood watching her back for a long time. Until his servant who brought the carriage called for him, he imagined her turning around and coming back to him over and over again.

All he had to do was climb the stairs when the carriage door opened in front of him. But his body felt strange. Cesar lowered his gaze on himself. His feet were on the ground, he was dressed, and he was clearly standing upright, but he wasn’t perceiving this as his reality. Only the past was fresh in his mind. 

‘I only remember being happy. I always thought every moment had been difficult and exhausting, but looking back, it was overcome with joy. Every moment of being able to talk to Liloa, touch Liloa, and look at Liloa whenever I wanted overflowed with uncontrollable euphoria…’

{ ‘Living without Liloa was better than I thought.’ }

‘I only thought I was fine.’

“…That’s right…”

Cesar couldn’t stand it and ran. It was very brief and he soon stopped again.

Lil had blended in with the crowd, with her blue hat with red feathers, her white shirt and black hair. Whereas she walked clearly while dressed in the bright colours of the world, Cesar was fading away and pushed behind to blend in with the crowds and noises, appearing to be gradually erased until there was nothing left of him. He backed away as the empty space permeated him. The meaninglessness of a life without Lil, that he seemed to have already forgotten, came crashing in like a tidal wave.

He had a faint sense of déjà vu. He experienced this feeling of emptiness before. It was when he longed for Lil while being surrounded by things that didn’t mean anything to him. At that time, he thought he had gone too far to save her, but that became insignificant in comparison to her smile, because only Liloa, whom he adored, was meaningful in his life.

‘Did I truly save Liloa? Or was it nothing but a false sense of salvation?’

A voice he didn’t want to hear invaded his thoughts.

{ “…But even if you’re lucky enough to realise it, it’ll only happen after you lose her…” }

‘Back then I couldn’t understand it and didn’t even want to understand it. But now, I don’t even know what I’ve come to understand…’ 

Hearing the dull voice of his servant urging him to enter the carriage, he stepped on the stairs but didn’t really feel it. Even the cushion’s soft feel and the ride’s comfort were lacking. The grains of sand representing his senses began to fall into a vast abyss one by one. As his chest started to hurt, he untied his cravat and ruffled his shirt. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t shake the feeling of being sucked into the void. Cesar’s tears began to fall along with his cold sweat as he removed his justaucorps and threw away his hat. Something kept slipping away, and he was perplexed as to what it was.

The sound of the wagon wheels crushing gravel was deafening and the interior of the carriage rattled with every rock they hit.

Cesar leaned forward, clutching his head. 

The ground shook as if there had been an earthquake. The more he cried, the higher his fever and the worse his headache became. He screamed in agony. As the carriage rocked to the point of nausea, the sound of his heavy breathing filled the carriage. He couldn’t sit still. Crouching like a dog was the most comfortable position for him in this situation, which was impossible to get out of. There was nothing when he looked down. Only a world filled with meaninglessness that was discarded in the distant past…

{ “…That’s the height of tragedy…” }

Cesar’s carriage rode steeply through the height of that tragedy. It shuddered violently as if it had been hit by a storm.

And at the pinnacle of which he couldn’t escape, Cesar howled…