North x Northwest

Somehow, Mireille’s voice was pushed into the background, so Ed didn’t really comprehend the Duke’s request for strict adherence to their agreement. Even the threat Mireille made, saying he wouldn’t stay still if Ed abandoned Liloa after retrieving the necklace, didn’t enter Ed’s mind.

In the carriage leaving the Duke’s residence, Ed looked down at the portrait given by Mireille. A  sinister phrase was written on the back by the man himself. Feeling uncomfortable, Ed retraced their previous conversation to see if he’d successfully made it appear that he’d been ‘hired’. He checked it two or three times more to be sure if he’d really made it appear that Liloa was only treated as a trading target. 

‘Mireille should never find out about this. I can’t let anyone else know what I feel. Never. Not, until I reach Liloa.’

Ed turned the frame over again. 

‘Her smiling face looks strange… Judging from Mireille’s words, at that time, Liloa had already given up her commission. Yes, I remember that I did hear before that Liloa hadn’t been commissioned. I was greatly disappointed, and after, I didn’t give her a second thought or look for her, who was no longer following her will. I was shocked when I heard the news of her death, but as I already had detached myself from her due to that huge disappointment, and to me that was it. But, looking at this portrait now, I’m not so sure Liloa could’ve been smiling here. Moreover, having experienced Mireille myself, I found him to be a much lower individual than I initially imagined and I don’t ever want to associate myself with him again… It never occurred to me that Liloa might never have wanted to give up her commission… On top of it all, there’s even a chance that she’s still alive.’

The tingling joy excited Ed and his heart thumped heavily.

 – – – – – – end of flashback – – – – – –

Because Ed’s hand had come to a pause, the period at the end of his last sentence transformed into an ink circle that was rapidly increasing  in size.

Ed removed the nib of his fountain pen from the paper. The childishness and pitiful feelings from his younger self suffocated his breathing. He eventually let go of the pen when he felt a tightness around his throat.

‘I should’ve approached her back then, but I missed the opportunity due to my pride and hurt self-esteem. In the end, I might’ve accomplished it through Mireille now, but his involvement only made the situation more difficult… This is my retribution for blowing everything up from the beginning… Liloa asked if it was all part of a game, but was that truly it?’ 

Ed instantly wanted to deny it, but he couldn’t. After all, while tracking her whereabouts, Ed clearly had a desire to test Lil. He wanted to see for himself if she was still glowing and ecstatic, he wanted to confirm she still had her light. He wasn’t sure what kind of great judge he thought himself to be, but Ed was arrogant until the end. AndLil had turned a blind eye to his arrogance. 

‘She has already forgiven me once for cheating on her about my identity, but that’s no guarantee that she’ll do it again…’

Ed penned down his last sentence.

[ So, if you truly were alive, I just wanted to see you again. ]

After finishing his letter, Ed buried his face in his clasped hands.

‘Crazy… Stupid… You’re the world’s worst moron…’ 

His own voice rang in his ears for a long time… 

***

It had been awhile since he sent the letter through Elodie, the head maid. He didn’t know how long he’d been waiting exactly, but it was agonisingly long for Ed. And no matter how long he waited, there was no response at all.

Ed checked his watch. The needle had already passed midnight.

‘She must be asleep. Or she might’ve never woken up since she collapsed earlier today. Either that or the maid has left the letter in a corner where she couldn’t see it… Or, perhaps she has finished reading it just now and is writing her reply…’

But Ed knew best that Lil would never write back.

Ed’s pale hand rubbed his earlobe out of habit. It wasn’t until his hands started to shake, that he left his room. His legs moved on their own without any conscious thought. Not knowing where he was going, Ed walked through galleries and corridors until he eventually entered an empty boudoir. When he swung open the door to the terrace, the night wind howled fiercely and the waves crashed like a tide. He stepped onto the terrace and leapt over the railing without hesitation. Ed landed on the second-floor terrace directly below and looked at the tightly closed curtains through the windows.

Seeing the familiar sight, he only then realised where he had gone.

It was just a week ago that he knocked on this window with an excited heart.

This realisation finally brought him back to reality. Bewildered, Ed stared at the windows and curtains that would never open for him again. The area around his chest burned and he let out a breath as if he had been holding it in for too long. When Ed raised his hand and covered his mouth, his chest wheezed as his shoulders rose and fell heavily. No matter how much he tried to calm down, his body wouldn’t listen. Eventually, his laboured breathing became too much to bear and his head began to ring loudly. Ed stumbled and slid down with his back against the window. Wrapping his arms around his crouched body, he poured out his despair…

Suddenly, the glass door opened, causing Ed to raise his head reflexively. Lil, who was coming out to the terrace, stopped walking and looked down at him. But as soon as their eyes met, the door banged shut. 

Ed hid his face in frustration. 

‘As expected, she hasn’t even read the letter. I should consider myself lucky if she hasn’t already used it as firewood. Who in their right mind would want to read a letter? But… What should I do now? How can I hope that she will understand how I feel if I can’t reach her through letters or words..?’

Then, with a squeak, the door opened again. As Lil remained out of sight, only her voice could be heard.

“Come on in.”

Stalling for a bit, Ed wiped his face with his sleeve, hoping Lil hadn’t heard his obnoxious sobs. He tidied up his eyes, using the reflection in the window as his mirror. Despite his efforts, his red eyes didn’t improve. A part of him even started to wish that when he entered her boudoir, Lil would feel sorry for him. 

‘I’m in desperate need of a little pity or something. Then maybe there’s a chance.’

As soon as Ed entered the boudoir, he looked around. The curtains stopped fluttering the moment the door was closed. Searching for spots where the head maid might’ve left his letter, he found it on a silver tray at the corner of the desk. He’d been worried that the head maid might have left his letter out of sight. But seeing Lil walking to the desk and simply passing the silver tray made his heart sink. And on top of that, the letter was unopened.

Ed blurted out his question unconsciously.

“…Didn’t you read the letter?”

The way his voice choked and shook felt embarrassing. Ed quickly shut his mouth in surprise, partly due to the unfamiliar sound of his own voice and partly because Lil looked back at him coldly. 

Without changing her expression, Lil turned her eyes to Roahn’s map.

“Is the wagon ready? You said it’s due to arrive today.”

Even though it took a while for Ed to answer, Lil never looked at him again.

“Oh, uh… It should have arrived by now.”

Ed finally realised what was going on and walked over to the desk. The illusion he had made with his own selfishness shattered. 

‘Liloa has neither read the letter nor is showing me any mercy… The only reason she let me in was because we still had work to do…’

Even if Lil didn’t leave his house right away, Ed’s hopes vanished without a trace. Despair weighed him down and swallowed up all the possibilities that he had been holding on to.

“Can a wagon pass this way? Our jailbreak coincides with the day of the arrival of the merchants, so there must be cargo piled up on the roadsides.”

Standing next to Lil, Ed studied the map. However, the familiar sight that he could draw with his eyes closed, suddenly looked blurry.

“…Yeah, it should be fine.”

In addition, Ed realised one more possible ending. 

‘Liloa will leave as soon as the job is done. And by then, I’ll no longer have the reasons nor the right to hold on to her anymore. Maybe everything will come to an end like this, and I will never see her again…’

When a teardrop fell on Roahn’s town hall, Ed panicked and fumbled around his eyes. Lil, whose finger moved over the map as if she had seen nothing, pointed to the next area.

“What about here?”

“It’s…”

“..?”

His voice was still terribly hoarse. Ed covered his mouth and cleared his throat a few times.

“…It’s also okay there.”

“Just in case, we’ll have to try pulling the wagon out before the scheduled date.”

Lil continued as if she didn’t care about him at all. 

‘No doubt, she decided beforehand to consistently ignore both the letter and me. It’s making me feel a little embarrassed…’