One Day in California

It's awful.

I spend the whole month at home, crying, pondering, eating snacks, drinking soju, watching Korean Drama, literally the whole month during my break. My boss Kenny didn't even make a call during my break, he understands me, so well that was nice.

I was running out of soju, I barely feel my cheeks, but drinking make me calm. I stood up from bed and push my phone inside the training pants' pocket, my pocket was too shallow so I accidentally dropped it on the floor. I kneel down to pick up my phone, then I saw a box hiding under my bed which brings me curious, I drag it to me closer and sit down cross –legged, placing the pinky box above my legs. I took the lid off, some diaries stacked inside, also messy pictures scattered around the diaries.

"do I even have these such things?" I wondered, I barely remember them since I move out from the house quickly, took all the things from my bedroom and move them to my current apartment with my own savings. I saved more than enough since I was a kid planning for her escape plans. I spent a little while students in my age were spending money like a machine gun shooting without hesitation, that makes me different with the other kids.

I flip the box, let the diaries and the pictures scattered around the floor. It was dusty and old, the pictures are mostly faded, but I can still recognize them.

I took a navy blue wool covered book which is actually covered by dust, when I blow it, the dust flew through the air which tickles my nose.  I flip the cover, there was my name written in capslock on the first page.

"STEFFI"

My writings when I was maybe in 4th grade, stiff and full of correction –tapes or double correction –tapes in a word. A picture appeared in the next page, a picture of the United States, Canada, Mexico, and Alaska. I remember the time when I googled them at the Internet Café during my weekend, I lied my dad I went out for homeworks and stuffs, while I actually google the pictures, print it out and study the country one by one.

It happens until I grow older and older. Last book was written when I was in Middle School - High School, I was about 13-16 years old that time. Then I met Rony and stop writing diary.

These diaries remind me sort of the miserable childhood memories, while my dad and mom divorced and blame it on me. I take a deep breath and close my eyes shut.

"past days will stay as past, presents is awesome, future will be a surprise" speaking to myself

I have to move on and continue my life, I have to stay focus on my career. Even Kenny is sometimes annoying, I don't want to disappoint him, and yet I promised him I will come back by next Monday.

I have no friends or families to share. I am all alone right now, and was looking for something to cheer myself.

I step forward to watch the tall shelves towered in front of me, with various kinds of new notebooks arranged tidily. I tip my toe and reach the black diary, when I finally reached it, I flip the book back and front to make sure it's still in awesome condition.

I throw myself inside the car and start the engine, adjusting the rear view mirror looking at myself. My eyebags were full covered in dark color, I look like a dying zombie, my face is pale and bare without make ups on, my hair is long, oily and messy.

"should I cut my hair?" I bit my upper lips, but I changed my mind and drive home.

I got back to my apartment with a plastic of soju and a diary complete with colorful pens. I was planning to write a diary, like what I did few years ago.

eomma ttaemun-e nal tteonalgeoya?

I take a shot of soju and wipe my tear with blanket with my other hand.

"HYERI ! COME BACK !" I yelled and hit my forehead with my palm. I was driven insane by sad romantic K-dramas nowadays. I stand up and head to the kitchen for a dinner, when I turn my body looking at the black diary on the table. As I wait for the water boils, I tear the plastic from the new diary and start writing

Dear diary,

Long time no write, and well I've broken up with my 5 years boyfriend.

-      May 3rd

"Ah this is not right ! I have to move on !" I moaned and tear the paper, squeeze and throw it to the rubbish.

***

I finally come back to work, I washed my hair 3 times yesterday since I haven't wash them for the whole week, ah but you have to understand me. Grateful that I have the urge to take a lunch and dinner even I skip breakfast too often because I woke up at noon, and I rarely take a bath.

The elevator brought me up to the 8th floor.

Well, the office is just busy like usually. The elevator cling and the door close itself automatically.

"STEFFI !" Kenny called by the hallway and I was startled, I tilt my head looking at him walking towards me, then he shakes my hand and pat my shoulder.

"how do you do?" he asked

I fake -smile at him. "I am okay boss. Which documents I have to check?"

"Ah, I will ask somebody to bring that to you, no need to worry" he implied.

I plug my key in, and bring myself inside the office.

Knock knock

"Steffi?" Kenny peep from the side of the glassy door, I can only see his head and right hand fingers.

"You really doing okay?"

He steps in and the door slid itself close.

"I am okay boss" still busy checking the files, staring him for only a second.

"You know Stef, I understand you.."

"Boss, I am really okay" I strictly cut him off.

"Okay. Have a nice day" he left the office.

I rub my forehead and sighed

"The life I have is not as easy as people would ever feel" I thought .

I slid my chair looking at the window view from the 8th floor, I can see my own reflection, I was looking so pale and sick. I leaned my head to the chair, inhale exhale deeply with eyes closed.

It's lunchtime, I drive my car to the main city to find sate padang for lunch. I parked my car by the side of the security post, the only parking slot for me and the security blew his whistle guiding me to the right position.

I rushed into the food –market , where people can find unique, small portion and several bazaar foods right here. The market is so crowded today, the vibrant clothes shine in the afternoon light and the people move like enchanting shoals of fish. There is chatter between sellers and buyers, friends catching up, and low volume pop music played.

"Bang, give me 1 portion of Sate Padang, please"

The old man starts grilling the Sate soon as I ordered, it takes around 5-10 minutes.

"Rp.15.000" he stretches his arm, hands over my Sate.

"thanks" I paid him the amount and leave the stand.

I was about to leave the crowds in the market but far that way a tall familiar figure appeared from the side of the market near the toilet, a man with navy matching suits talking and chuckling with a petite girl beside him, a typical of cute petite woman with white skin and light brown hair, they seem to have a very funny jokes to tell. When the man tilted his head looking at the woman as I can see the side of his face, that familiar guy is RONY !

They stop by the Sushi stand, Rony is rummaging his suit for his wallet, the woman hold his arm tight and then Rony touches her cheek and kiss her forehead. ARE THEY DATING RIGHT NOW ?

My heart stops beating at the moment, my body froze and I can't even move. The crowds in the market became a silence in my mind. I'm speechless, my eyes feel warm and start producing tears. I could hold the heartbreak no longer, tears spilt over and flowed down my face like a river escaping a dam. When the woman's eyes hit mine, my body starts moving and I rush into my car, locking myself inside and press the start engine while at least I can feel the strong wind from the air ventilation. A solemn tears fell down my cheek, my mind is tangled. I rest my head on the steering wheel, still in tears. What the world is going on? who is that woman? Should I check before I got him wrong? It only happened a month ago, he seems just fine. I was so jealous, I was in tears and suffering for a month, and he seems just really fine with all of it. He moves on faster than I thought. I was wrong that I think he felt the same way as mine. I feel tight in my chest, it makes air feel like razor blades moving through me.

Our 5 years memories means nothing to him. It's fine if he could move on fast, but I feel unfair.

I come back to the office, let my hair untied to cover my face so the other employees won't notice my worse –looking while my make ups were ruined. I rushed to my office and rest my head on the table while Kenny suddenly barged in.

"Steff?" he called

"you okay?" he continues, I can hear his shoes clanking towards me.

"Boss, I think I want to resign" I said, thinking of my miserable self, staying at Medan wasn't a good idea.

My boss sighed, he is taking a deep deep breath and then

"Okay Steff but give me time to train the other candidate before you leave. What do you think ?"

"sure boss, I have to fulfill my responsibilities"

I heard his footsteps away and the glassy door pulled. My boss left.

When I got home, I drag my old box diaries to find out my childhood dreams and memories.

I was dreaming far away about traveling around the world after graduated from High School, stay in different places, move every year and enjoy every city I visit. I wanted to be a traveler back then when I was a kid.

A thin smile drawn my face, the impossible will be possible this time. I took my phone and check my bank account, I have more than enough savings.

My phone beeped, and Kenny's message appeared

"I was about to choose Melissa, what do you think?" he texted.

"Good idea boss, Melissa has worked for 4 years plus she is also thorough in doing things" I replied

"Steffi, have you think about your decision?" he replied

"Looking for the exact secretary like you needs time, I don't think I could find one like you. You are the best" he continues, I feel moved by his words. Thanks, but I will not change my mind.

"Boss, I've made my choice. I promise you I will train Melissa well before I leave" I replied

"How about double payment then?" he texted back

I moaned and laugh at the same time. I really feel touched.

"Boss, thanks for offering" I replied.

I hope Kenny's gonna be okay with Melissa.

***

It's early July, Melissa is hard to teach sometimes, but she is diligent and responsible, the only employee that suitable with the position. I trained her for almost 2 months and she's finally doing okay in the last presentation. My boss, Kenny finally let me go. Goodluck Melissa, Kenny is a K-drama lovers, and you will definitely take his works all alone by yourself. HAHA !

During those 2 months preparing stuffs.

I cut my hair short, really short, but not a pixie cut, it's a bob. Just cut them until my chin, yes cut them off for better lucks. I also make an itinerary for my journeys. First place will be Seattle, next San Fransisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, Chicago, and last United States will be New York. I decided to choose them among 314 cities of United States because those cities look pretty from the Internet plus I can still take the bus or plane to a nearby city during my stay if I want to travel more.

Next, after U.S then I will fly to U.K.

And I plan to work for living since I still need to control my savings. I've registered myself for visa and else too. Then, I go to the money changer and attend a short meeting in a café with an old woman for selling my apartment. The woman then agreed and signed the contract, I told her I move out on 13th July. She agreed.

The evening sun shines through the window, my eyes barely open. It's the golden hour, people were busy taking pictures with their friends or selfies, then I came out with an idea.

EH ! CAMERA !

I love photography since I was a teenager but never had one, so I ended up taking pictures with phone.

I rushed to the cashier and pay the bills, drive my car to the nearest camera shop, turns out spending millions of rupiahs for a camera. But it's fine, they are complete with the kits and filters.

I stretched my arm straight to the air, my bones popping.

I will take a flight to Seattle by next week. It will be so much fun !

Can't believe I could leave this city soon and start a new life. What a dream !