Only Mine

2 months later...

Deep breath, deep breath. The reflection in the mirror is showing exactly how I feel right now. Nervous as hell. I smooth the invisible wrinkle on my silver silk dress that sparkles under the lights of the dressing room. That's it. A few more minutes and I'll be going outside in front of all the people waiting. But that's not what is making me nervous. It's the man that's going to stand there, waiting for me. Jake.

Breath in, breath out. Repeat. It's not that hard. Just don't faint. And don't fall.

"Jess, where are you? We are about to start." My sister's frantic voice comes from the adjoining room.

"I'm coming bridezilla. Relax."

We need to get this show on the road, otherwise she will be the one puking.

I step to the room where she is sitting in front of the large mirror, two ladies putting last touches to her hair and makeup.

She is beautiful. The silky white dress with a sweetheart neckline shows just the right amount of skin to look sexy and classy at the same time. She is glowing and even though her crazy eyes are jumping nervously around the place, she has never looked more beautiful.

She finally stands up and the dress hugs her hips before falling down leaving a long trail behind. My eyes start getting glassy at the sight and I'm not the only one. All her bridesmaids and our mum start pulling out tissues and dabbing under their eyes.

"Oh, please, don't cry. You'll make me cry and I'll never be ready to leave this place. And then Brian will get tired of waiting and leave me in front of the altar."

We all start laughing like crazy, saving the situation from ruined makeup.

"You, my dear sister, are crazy if you think Brian wouldn't come in here and drag you to the altar if necessary."

She looks at me with sister adoration and pulls me in a quick but hard hug before releasing her breath and ready herself for the instructions of the wedding planner.

The bridesmaids will be the first ones to go out and I'll be following the last before Becca comes out with our mum giving her away.

And since I'm the maid of honor and Jake is the best man, we'll be walking the path together before standing each on our side at the altar.

2 months. It has been 2 months since we broke up and he left for England without a backward glance. Not a single call or text since then. I overheard a few times Brian talking about him, but they were always careful not to mention him in front of me. So this was my life - work, study, bury in more work, and forget there was ever a person with a name Jake. How my hands are trembling now, it shows the latter wasn't exactly accomplished. There wasn't a day I didn't think of him and wonder what I could have done differently so we wouldn't end up where we did. But to no avail. And I don't want to put myself down by assuming it was somehow all my fault for him running away. At some point, I accepted we were doomed from the start.

"Hey, hey, are you okay?" My sister concerned eyes were drilling me and I hated myself for making her worry about me on the day that is completely about her.

"Yes, of course, I'm okay. Don't worry about me."

"Jess, we can still switch partners, you are not forced to walk with him. Hell, you can even walk alone if you want."

"Don't curse in the church." We giggled before I continued. "No, absolutely not. I'm fine with it. It's just for a few seconds and then I don't have to be near him again. It's really fine. It's been 2 months."

I should have known she wasn't buying my bullshit, but she let it slide anyway.

"Ok. Let's do this then. Let's get me married."

We smiled at each other one more time and then it started.

My mum was standing next to Becca hardly keeping her tears at bay and I had to fan my eyes to not let the tears spill. I am not ruining my makeup.

We headed towards the entrance of the hall where the groomsmen were already waiting, but I kept my eyes downwards, avoiding seeking him with my eyes, trying to keep my heart from jumping out of my chest.

And then I couldn't prolong it anymore. The wedding planner's voice carried around the corridor, telling us to pair up with our assigned partners. So I took a deep breath, the last attempt at calming myself, and I looked up. He couldn't be missed. He was the tallest, the darkest, and the most handsome of them all. Oh god, my knees almost buckled when our eyes collided. He was staring directly at me, ravishing me with his eyes, seizing me from head to toes.

Breathe in, breathe out.

I put a defiant look on my face, at least that's what I was hoping for, and walked to him, standing next to him as we were instructed without touching or glancing his way again. He was with another woman and left me without even talking about it. He doesn't deserve that I even look at him.

I felt his scorching eyes peering down at me, but I didn't give in. I remained stoic and looking straight ahead to know when is our cue. A few more steps and it's going to be us to enter the hall entrance. I took one more calming breath and plaster a fake smile on my face, ready to start walking down the aisle. Then his arm reached out to mine and he pulled me tight to his side, hooking my arm under his. There was no time to protest, even though my whole body started trembling at feeling him touching me, holding me in a death grip under his arm so I wouldn't pull away. Oh God, please don't start crying. Not know. Just get it over with.

We were about to step our first step out when his head descended and I felt the hot breath and the feel of his mouth next to my ear.

"We need to talk."

His whispered words made me shiver all over and by the way, his grip tightens, even more, he must've felt it. But I couldn't look at him. Couldn't speak. If I would, I would break down for sure. So I ignored him and let him led me down the aisle, trying to explain my stupid heart that we will never have something like this. Like Becca and Brian.

—

"We were waiting a long time big sis' to see you with that huge smile on your face and I couldn't be more grateful and happy for the person you chose to have that happiness with. Brian, welcome to the family and congratulations. I love you both."

The champagne glasses were raised in the air, the clinking between them giving a festive ring to it and I took a large sip before I was pulled in an embrace between Becca and Brian, tears shining in all of our eyes.

It was a beautiful ceremony and the reception was going great. I just gave my official talk as her maid of honor and now I can get drunk and forget the brooding eyes that are drilling holes in me the entire time I'm trying to avoid and ignore him. This day is for Becca. And he had time to talk, he just chose not to.

I sat down next to Mike and he kissed my temple, wiping some of the tears away. He gave a quick glance to the right where Jake was sitting with Brian's family.

"Are you holding on there, doll?" His words were quiet so only I could hear it.

I was just about to reply I'm fine when Jake's deep voice broke the chattering around.

I squeezed Mike's hand hard without noticing and then caught myself, exhaling, and gave him a shaky reassuring smile.

"I'm fine. It's ok."

"Ladies and gentlemen, Becca and Brian, it is my honour to share this day with you. Brian, you were always the brother I never had and the second family I needed more than I was willing to admit."

There was a pause, and my heart constricted for the way Jake grew up. But he shook it off and continued before anyone could notice.

"There is plenty of stories I could tell you today about Brian and how we grew up that would make most of the people laugh and embarrass the hell out of you."

People started laughing at that and I couldn't help but smile a little. As much as I tried not to look at him, it was impossible. He pulled me like a magnet, powerless to do anything against his law of physics.

"But I'll keep that stories for later when we all had some more to drink." His smile just about cracks my heart again.

"I've never seen you as happy as you are with Becca and I'm so thankful to be part of your lives. I wish you an eternity of love and respect and Brian, man, I hope you never forget how goddamn lucky you are for not only finding the love of your life,"

and about that time my heart stops when his eyes lock on mine, the rest of the room disappearing between his heavy gaze and the rush of blood in my ears,

"but to be able to have her by your side and cherish her till the end. Not everyone has this luck in their life."

My eyes water at the end of his speech and the promise of not breaking during the entire thing just flew out the window. Damn him. Who does he think he is, doing this in front of everyone? Damn you, Jake.

There is a short pause before people finally start clapping, breaking the spell we were under and I muster the last bit of strength to cheers with people around me before excusing myself and practically running out of the room.

I consider going to the ladies room, but instead turn in the other direction and run to the front door, stepping out and almost collapse on the floor while taking big gulps of air. I go around the corner and stand under a big magnificent tree that gives a small sense of reprieve and silence. Tears are running down my cheeks, but I don't utter a single sound, no hiccups or crying out loud, only big fat heavy tears sliding down my skin like an old companion from the last couple of months. I stay like this for what feels like hours even though it's just minutes when I hear footsteps in the background. I wonder who came after me and I really hope it's not Jake. I can't fight with him here. Not today. I'd rather see Hanna or Mike. I'd rather see no one, actually.

I'm leaning against the tree trunk when male hands hug me from behind squeezing the air out of me.

"Doll, when will you learn you don't have to handle everything on your own?"

My sweet Mike.

"It's my own fault I'm in this mess, why put the weight on anyone else? I just need a few minutes to get my shit together."

He turns me around and wraps me in his big arms, swallowing me entirely in the hug and I feel a blissful sense of comfort.

After standing like this for minutes he disentangles me from his embrace and lifts my chin up. His thumbs wipe some of the tears and mascara streaks away and he smiles at me with that brotherly goofy smile.

"God, sis, you know I love you, but emo gothic look really isn't for you."

"Idiot." I punch him in the chest, but I can't help but smile in return.

He hugs me again and this is the moment someone clears his throat behind us.

"Ehm, Jessica, can I please talk to you? Alone?"

I tremble slightly at Jake's voice and Mike's hands squeeze me which makes me look up at him.

"What do you want to do?"

I slide my gaze from him to Jake's serious and sad eyes and then back to Mike. I take a deep breath and try to reassure myself I'm strong enough.

"I'll talk to him. It's fine. Thank you, Mike."

He nods slightly, kisses my forehead, and then moves away. Before he walks away completely, he growls the words at Jake.

"You better not make her cry like that again. This is the last time she is crying for you."

"Understood." They nod at each other and a few seconds later it's only us standing there.

Finally, I take a good look at his face and he looks tired, defeated. His eyes are pleading with me, for what I don't know.

"Jessica, we need to talk. I need to explain myself."

"You had plenty of time to explain yourself. Two months ago. When you left without a single word after I caught you with another woman. At this point, I don't know what you could possibly want to say still."

He closes his eyes briefly before taking a tentative step closer. There is still enough distance between us, but he is close enough I can smell his cologne, the one that always reminded me of him. The one that was my favourite scent in the whole world.

"I will explain that situation better when we have time, but for now just know nothing happened between Serena and me and I never wanted to be with anyone but you."

I half snort at his statement and his eyes harden a bit at the sound.

Before I can react he is standing directly in front of me and squeezing my arms in his strong hands.

"No matter what you decide or believe today, this is something I would never lie to you about. I wasn't with Serena nor I was with any other woman since the last time I saw you. You have to believe me."

I pull myself out of his grip and the loss of his heat leaves a cold trace on my covered skin.

"How can I trust you, Jake? You left. You goddamn left without a backward glance! I meant nothing to you. I wasn't even worth saying goodbye to. What could you possibly still want from me?"

"That's not true. I felt like I ripped myself in two when I left that day. I could barely make myself leave the apartment when all I wanted was to stay in bed and smell the cherry shampoo you use for your hair. I mean seriously, I was like a sappy chick lying in bed and smelling the pillow next to me. Fuck."

He tugs at his hair and curse under his breath.

"I couldn't do that to you. I was not worthy of you or your love. I wasn't a good guy before you and when we started living together I wanted nothing more than to be the best man you could ever find. But I kept messing up, my own issues getting in the way."

I was crying again and when his hands cupped my cheeks and brushed the tears away I almost collapsed at how divine and torturing at the same time it felt.

"I had to get away. Find me and find out if I can ever be good enough for you. I went through a lot of things these past few weeks, but now more than ever I want to be right here with you. I love you so fucking much, Jessica."

"Please, don't say that now. You'll only break me more."

"No, baby girl, I don't want to break you. I'm here to tell you I'm ready for you. And I am so fucking sorry I wasn't before. You made me see what my future could be and it scared the crap out of me. I can admit that now. But I'll never love anyone as much as I love you and I'm READY for you." He emphasized the last words like his life depended on me hearing them.

He kissed my cheeks at that and even though I knew I should pull away, I couldn't. I haven't stop loving him even for a second. He was deep inside me and he wasn't going anywhere.

Almost as he could feel some of my defenses crumbling, he fell to his knees in front of me and hug me around my waist, breathing me in and kissing my belly.

"What are you doing?"

He looked up at me, shifting to one knee. God, what the hell is he doing?

"Jessica, I am so sorry for what I put you through and I'll try to make it up to you for as long as you'll let me. I love you so much it fucking hurts and I don't want to be without you ever again. I'm not going to ask you to marry me, because I know that will freak you out right now, but it doesn't mean I don't plan on doing it. Because I'm all in, baby. All in. So what I'm asking you today is, will you give me another chance? Will you let me love you and cherish you and devour you until you can't breathe? I'll make it a personal mission to make you the happiest woman in the world. Will you please take a chance on me again and let me show you that you are my world?"

Oh God, my heart is beating so loudly in my chest I'm sure he can feel it. What can I say to that? It's exactly what I wanted before. But after he left me like this... What if he does it again? He is looking at me with such adoration I can hardly breathe. What is my decision? I don't know if I can process this right now or ever. How many times does this have to happen to me before I learn? But I couldn't ignore the fact that at that moment my heart felt like some of the cracks seemed significantly smaller.

"Jake, I..."