Only Mine

I stopped the kiss before getting any further. Even though my heart and entire body were screaming at me to never end this sweet torture, my brain was right trying to stop me. I'm not doing this the same way as before. We are going to talk this time, work through our problems and hurts, and figure out if we even fit in each other's lives.

I press my hand gently on his chest, feeling his labored breathing and rapid beating of his heart, letting me know he is just as much affected by this as I am. He slowly reluctantly moves back, the fire in his eyes slowly dousing and a pleading sorrowful look replacing it.

Breaking my heart here, Jake. Don't look at me like that. But I don't say any of this out loud. My heart is aching to look at him so broken but I know we can't go on and live together happily without getting to the bottom of this. The past few months gave me a lot to think about and it wasn't only his fault. He did push me away, closed himself off, disappear, oh, and let's not forget the Serena-kneeling-and-opening-his-pants incident. The thought just makes my blood boil once again.

But I was also mistrusting from the start, staying closed off in the beginning and then expecting too much from him. We never talked about things, always just falling into bed together. Which was a perfect oblivious bliss, but it was still oblivion and all of our problems were just piling up until everything exploded in our face.

He is sitting next to me, probably noticing the torment in my eyes, but he doesn't push. Just sits there waiting for me to open up and take this wherever I want. And I appreciate it, it's what I need. To gather my thoughts and talk to him honestly.

I finally lift my eyes to his, staring at him for the longest time before taking a deep breath and ready myself to start the talk that will either make us or break us.

"Jake, I can't just fall back into your arms as nothing happened. A lot happened. You've been gone for months and that changed me too. We can't find our way back to each other if we don't talk about the things that broke us in the first place."

He takes a deep breath and gently takes my hands in his.

"Jess, I meant it when I said I'm ready for you now. I know we have to talk about everything and there is a lot I have to, no, need to explain. But I know you are my other half, the missing piece of my soul and I won't let you go unless leaving me is what you truly want and will make you happier in the long run."

I had a hard time swallowing down the tears gathering at the corners of my eyes because he was the missing part of my soul too. He was what I wanted, but I didn't know if we can forgive ourselves to actually make it work.

"It's not only about you. I've handled things wrong as well and we have to figure out if we can forgive each other and move past it."

"You are right. Let me start, I want to explain why I left. I want to tell you about the person I was and what meeting you did to me."

We need some space to start this talk properly, so I sit back on the couch, hold a small decorative pillow on my lap, and slowly nod for him to continue. He nods almost to himself, leans back, resting his head on the couch and closing his eyes. When he looks up again there is a faraway look in them and I know he needs to go back to his past in order to explain what has been going on. And his past was always the hardest thing for him to talk about.

"My parents were successful people, this power couple if you may, on the peak of their careers when they had me. I wasn't planned, not particularly desired, but they grew up pretty traditionally so abortion wasn't something they would ever consider."

My eyes water at the idea of a small boy that didn't feel wanted since before he could even remember. He sees my sad eyes and gives me the most painful smile I have ever seen.

"Don't feel sorry for me. And don't get me wrong. They weren't terrible people, they never abused me and I never lacked anything material. There are kids that have it way worse out in the world, so I'm not trying to make this any more dramatic than it is."

Tears still slip down my cheeks, but I let him continue without interrupting.

"As I said, they were good people, just not really good parents. They were so focused on their lives and their careers, having a child was kind of interrupting their plans in life. So from a young age, I got acquainted with a lot of nannies and most of them were really nice actually. There were a lot of missed occasions on their part though. There was always some important meeting happening or a fancy party with some influential people that they had to go to, and spending time with their kid wasn't exactly a top priority. Especially Christmas. I don't have a single memory of us spending a special Christmas together. Most of the time they traveled somewhere. They took me with them a few times, but they quickly realized I take too much of their time when they have more important things to do. So they started leaving me with my aunts and uncles, once I even spent it with one of my nannies and her family."

Swallowing loudly he pauses for a brief moment and keeps staring out the window while continuing, "I was a typical kid that craved their parents' attention, desperately, but instead got thrown lots of materialistic things my way. Honestly, I've always been the kid with the newest and shiniest toys, which everyone envied me for. I couldn't care less. I would have much more preferred to have a single toy and at least one parent there to play with me from time to time."

"Oh, Jake. I am so sorry." I can't stop my tears at that point anymore and they are streaming down my face furiously. It makes so much more sense his reaction to spending Christmas with me. I really wish he would tell me this before.

"Don't be, babe. It's all okay now. Like I said, my life wasn't terrible. It was just lonely. It wasn't until I really started spending time with Brian that moved next door to our place, that things turned around for me. He was this awesome kid that didn't care for my fancy toys or my fancy clothes. We spend hours playing in the backyard of their house, and as we got older going out and getting in trouble left and right." He chuckles a little at this memory and my heart warms a little at the bond he has with my brother-in-law.

"Brian's family was the best. They soon accepted me like I was one of theirs and after that life became just a bit less lonely. Christmases were mostly spent with them and this time I actually looked forward to it. Even the relationship with my parents started changing slowly the older I got. Can't say we really ever bonded the way we should, but they definitely preferred when I was old enough to be taken around parties and be able to show off my various achievements. That changed when I turned sixteen and realized girls like my appearance and I started enjoying their flirting just a tad too much. Even girls older than me. It gave me a new kind of high. A couple of years later I mixed that with alcohol and smoking, and the high of being wanted and desired by these women was something I started to crave internally."

He looks up briefly at this, but there isn't really anything I can say about it. How can I blame him for looking for attention and connection wherever he could find it?

I whisper "It's okay" and motion for him to continue.

"I was never able to actually commit to any of those women I spent time with. How could I? I didn't have the first clue what it means to love someone unconditionally and sacrifice and compromise your life for them. Anyway, the next years were a blur of pretty much the same things, and I got distant from my parents again. The only constant in my life was Brian. He was truly a brother in every sense of the word."

"Soon my parents decided to move to London and I refused to leave our place in Dublin. I was old enough and being alone was nothing new to me. They left when I was 22 and it's been this way for the past decade. I see them only occasionally; we also talk on the phone. We don't have a perfect relationship, but there is a relationship of some sort. They've been trying more and more lately, probably something to do with older age and me being their only son. Who knows, maybe someday we will find a common ground. Maybe not."

I understand as I'm also estranged from my father. Some people were just not meant to be there for you in life. And it's okay. Your family is not always someone you are related to by blood.

"I did spend the past few months there, trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life, trying to heal. Talking things through with them helped a lot too. I think we all accepted some hard truths."

"I'm so proud of you for doing this, Jake." I reach out and squeeze his hand, letting him know I'm there for him and I appreciate him talking about this, knowing how hard it must be.

"Thank you. To be honest, I went there to get over you, but it helped me find myself in more ways than I imagined."

It hurt hearing he wanted to get over me, but I can't blame him either. Isn't this what I've been trying to do for the past few months?

"It only made me realize I could never get over you, Jess. You are inside of me. As much as this scares the fuck out of me, you are a part of me. "

I start crying again because I'm so overwhelmed by everything he just told me and from everything he makes me feel.

"I also feel it. You meant so much to me, Jake. I breathed for you."

He looks at me with those beautiful sad green eyes.

"'Meant' as in past tense?"

I'm quiet for a moment because I want to forgive him so badly and I do understand some of his reactions better now, but things don't feel right yet. They aren't right yet.

"It means the world to me you trust me enough to tell me all this. But so many more things happen that can't be just explained away. I caught you with Serena for god's sake. What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Oh fuck Serena, what are you even saying?"

We started getting heated, both of us, and for a moment we just sat there with fire in our eyes. But we quickly realized that we are going down the same road we used to before and it made us calm down instantly.

"We are better than this now. I know we are. But I can't just let things go with her. We need to move past that. I want to hear your side of the story. And I want to know if this was a one-time thing or no?"

"A one-onetime thing? What are you even saying? That I've been cheating on you? Are you crazy?"

He drops to his knees at the same moment, holding my hands on my lap.

"I never - listen to me carefully – never cheated on you. Nor would I ever! What you saw in that office was me being miserable, going out of my mind for the fight that just happened with us before that. And Serena showing up at the fuck most inappropriate timing. I dismissed her, wasn't even looking at her or listening to her nonsense. I was completely lost in my head, not paying any attention to her, and all of a sudden she is topless, kneeling in front of me and grabbing the front of my pants. That was the moment you stepped in and before I could even react to these stupid attempts of hers to get me back, you cussed me out and flew out of my office."

"But..."

"No but. Absofuckinglutely nothing happened."

"I waited for you at the car, hoping you'll care enough to come after me. Figured you decided to finish whatever you were doing with her before I came in." My eyes mist at that thought again.

He puts his finger under my chin and makes me look up again. God, I love his eyes. They are the purest green with a mix of chocolate specks.

"Jess, I didn't know what to do. I felt like a piece of shit. Not worthy of your time or love. I was so lost at that time. I am so so sorry."

His sincerity was pouring out of his eyes which were brimming with unshed tears. I hated seeing him so defeated. His hand drops when I don't reply and he slouches defeated on the floor.

"Did I really fuck everything up then?"

I pulled him up, not wanting to see him broken, kneeling in front of me. The truth was I believed him. I knew he wasn't lying. I was not going to allow some desperate woman to get between us. I cup his face in my small hands, making him look at me.

"I'm sorry too. I've always reacted hastily without giving you the opportunity to explain. You really hurt me so many times, but both of us could have handled some situations better. I believe you didn't cheat on me. And I'll work on being more understating from now on. Can you forgive me?"

"There is nothing for me to forgive. Just give me another chance. If you still have a fraction of your love for me, give me a chance to prove to you I'm in it for real. I can't imagine my life with anyone else but you."

"I don't want to imagine my life with anyone else but you. I love you, Jake."

The smile that spreads on his face is unreal and when he pulls me close to him, hugging our bodies together, it's the first time I see Jake cry. I brush away his tears while he reassures me a hundred times that he will never love anyone again as much as he loves me.