Pandora’s Box

I was distraught and devastated. I laid as if dead for a considerable amount of time before suddenly jumping up and rushing out of the bedroom. I didn’t care what time it was when I knocked on Zhuo Wenyang’s door.

The door opened almost immediately.

Zhuo Wenyang, who usually went to bed early, was still awake at this moment. There was no indication of exhaustion on his face. It appeared that he was waiting for something.

He stared at me as I stared back at him.

After a moment of silence, we simultaneously asked, “Do you know?”

“…..”

I suddenly felt weak and sat down on a chair, asking, “Will you tell anyone?”

Without thinking about it, he replied, “Of course not.”

“Mm…..”

Even if there wasn’t any point in lying to myself, I still wanted to maintain as much dignity as I could muster momentarily.

I held my head up and stared blankly at nothing. I asked, “Do you think my dad knows?”

He maintained his posture while standing and thought briefly, “It’s hard to say but it’s possible.”

I tried my best to recall any indicating hints from the past but right now, my mind was in such a mess and I couldn’t figure anything out.

Dealing with this predicament, I abruptly felt a burst of anger. “He should have known it for a while. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have looked down on me ever since I was a child!”

Zhuo Wenyang interjected, “Think about the positive. Even if he knew this, he still supported you all this time, didn’t he?”

I smiled and asked, “Hey, is this something to be positive about?”

Zhuo Wenyang calmly said, “This means that he feels for you.”

“If he felt anything for me,” I couldn’t hold back a sneer, “then I wouldn’t end up like this today, would I?”

“Of course your dad didn’t do well in the past, but he could have done worse. And he didn’t. Not everyone is willing to raise someone else’s son for decades without saying anything. If he really didn’t want you, he had every chance to get rid of you when your parents divorced, didn’t he? You were still young at that time and custody would have been in the hands of your mother.”

I let out a “huh” and said, “Of course it’s because my mother doesn’t want me at all, so he can only bear the burden to take care of me.”

Zhuo Wenyang shook his head, “No, if both parties doesn’t want custody, then usually the woman will be forced to take custody. This is unless the economic disparity between the two parties are big enough but this was obviously not the case. So, he took the initiative to fight for it to keep you.”

“You scholars don’t understand this aspect,” I laughed. “This knowledge does not exist in books — both parties doesn’t want me. It’s not about legality. It’s about who has the stronger will to reject and is more unreasonable. My mother has a bigger temper and more aggressive personality than him. He doesn’t want to cause trouble. He wants his pride so badly that he can’t lose face so who was willing to cause trouble? The world is based on strength. If you can’t win, you have to admit defeat. That’s all. Do you get it?”

It was sad and painful for me to discuss and sort out this concept in such a formulaic way.

“If he’s willing to keep me, if he ‘actively fought’ for me, then what is with his attitude? Isn’t it funny? Let me tell you, there are only three words to describe our father-son relationship, ‘no other choice!’”

Zhuo Wenyang looked at me and said, “I think there’s a bond between you-”

I interrupted, “Come one, I’m not as smart as you but I definitely know my father better than you. If he wanted me, it wouldn’t turn out like this. He just does not want me, and he can’t have that. That’s what made me who I am today. He’s attempting to maintain his face.”

Zhuo Wenyang added, “Actually, from a logical point of view, even if it’s just to maintain his face, this motive is not enough-”

I raised my voice, “Can you stop it with your logical reasoning for a second, Oh Logical One?!”

Zhuo Wenyang closed his mouth.

I couldn’t control my sarcasm, “Yes, you are so, very smart. You know a lot of things that I don’t, but there are things in this world that I know, in which you do not.”

“…..”

“Your father and mother both love you so much, and you are their son, so what do you know? What do you base off of to understand? From your imagination? From information found in books? Well, people who has never experience starvation can also read books. But can you imagine what it’s like to actually go hungry? You don’t truly think you know everything, do you? What qualifications do you have to educate me on this kind of thing?”

“…..”

“Do you know why he abandoned me to this crappy place? He thinks I’m hopeless and too old. I can’t use ‘I’m still a child’ as an excuse anymore so I can only be exiled to reform through labor. Recently, he probably felt that I didn’t seem too hopeless so he came to check out the results.”

“…..”

The more I talked, the more I wanted to laugh but it didn’t quite come out like that either. My face was flushed red, “Once he decides that he doesn’t need me to maintain his dignity or decides that I will only end up destroying his dignity, then I have to move out. He won’t tolerate me and then I won’t have a home anymore. Do you understand that?”

Zhuo Wenyang remained silent until I finished my piece. After a while, he quietly said, “You are right. There are some things that I don’t understand very well. I don’t have the right to speak about it as you do.”

“…..”

“However, the reason why I wanted to discuss this with you is not to win or lose an argument, but for you to understand one thing — no matter what, you will not end up without a home.”

“…..”

I suddenly deflated weakly like a wilted pufferfish.

I also deeply understood. The imbedded sword in me was on the verge of breaking out. As if I was armed with guns and sticks in my hands, I was helpless and furious. Regardless of how out of control I was, how irrationally upset I was, or how much I vented my anger indiscriminately, Zhuo Wenyang remained patient and gentle towards me.

I felt that sour yet soft feeling again, as if my heart was picked.

I recalled that I sympathized with Ke Luo at that time and felt extremely sorry for him because he couldn’t recognize his biological father. At least he was able to find out, but I didn’t even know where my real father was.

When I was young, I remember that I struggled to receive love from my father. However, I didn’t know that he was not the one I should be asking that for, so how was he able to give me what I wanted?

I wanted to shed tears but I held back and said through gritted teeth, “Why do you all have dads?”

Zhuo Wenyang didn’t reply. After a moment, he came over and placed his hand on my shoulder.

Without a single word, I could feel his sympathy and comfort. This caused me to let out the last breath I was desperately holding onto. I weakly pressed my forehead against his chest and at an angle where I couldn’t be seen, tears welled up from the corners of my eyes.

He said nothing and then put his other hand lightly on my shoulder.

It was the first touch I received that most resembled a hug from him.