Pandora’s Box

I asked him, “Do you know about this?”

He hesitated for a moment, “This…”

Taking into account of my father’s friendship with him, it was not unexpected that he would know about it.

I was a little sad, but I still pretended not to care and said, “So this was a well-known secret? Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve been thinking about this since last night. I even thought if you might be my father.”

Cheng Yichen was stunned, his eyes opening wide, “Ah, me? Me?”

“So I stole your toothbrush to test.”

He tensed up and stared at me.

He asked, “Then, did the results come out?”

“It did,” I shrugged, “It turns out that you and I have no blood relationship either.”

Startled by the news for a while, he asked, “Are you sure?”

“??? Yeah.”

“Then,” he cautiously said, “Can you show me the report?”

I was a little baffled, but I pulled out the folded report from my pocket and handed it to him. He carefully examined the report and the surprise on his face increased instead of diminished. I could hear the slight tremor in his voice as he asked, “We really don’t have any blood relationship at all?”

“???”

What did he mean? Did he also think that he might be my father?

We had a chaotic barbecue dinner tonight. Except for Lu Feng who ate in a carefree manner and devoted himself to the food, everyone else chewed the overcooked and horribly seasoned lamb skewers without daring to say anything with a dazed look on their faces.

It seemed that I was not the only one experiencing such a tumultuous day.

Before heading to bed that night, Zhuo Wenyang came to see me again.

“I know you must have a lot of questions you are waiting to be answered,” he said, “Whatever you want to know, I will find out for you.”

“…..”

“But I also hope you are able to calm down and think about what you really want to know and how to deal with it.”

I acted nonchalantly, “What is there to think about? What is there to face? I’ll take whatever action the situation calls for.”

He shook his head, “Because this happened so unexpectedly, you were completely unprepared so you received such a huge blow.”

He said softly, “So I hope that before anything happens next, I can help you be as prepared as possible. I don’t want to see you so sad again.”

“……”

That night, I laid on my bad, thinking about various things and many people. All of this was intertwined and lost within the disordered and vast universe, and I felt so small in it.

I didn’t think about it thoroughly so I did not ask Zhuo Wenyang to find out anything for me.

After dinner that evening, I was lost in thought as I sat in the bedroom, staring at the mediocre food and broadcasting on the computer screen. That was when I suddenly heard someone knocking on my door.

The door wasn’t closed. I raised my head and saw Cheng Yichen standing by the door with a plate of sliced watermelon.

“Am I bothering you?”

I shook my head.

He came in and gently put down the plate.

“I want to talk to you about your biological father.”

I sat up straight involuntarily.

“Do you have a lot of questions you want to ask me?”

“Mm.”

“No matter what you want to ask, I will tell you what I know,” he paused, “you just need to think carefully about the questions you plan to ask.”

He and Zhuo Wenyang were truly father and son.

I thought about it for a while now. Regarding my biological father, I couldn’t picture him at all.

Rather than what type of person he was, I cared more about why he never came forward to me?

After all these years, why didn’t he intend to come to me–or even hinted–to help me realize that he was my father?

Even for such a ruthless person like Lu Feng, he at least created a connection between Ke Luo and him. However, my biological father didn’t intend to leave any lingering traces for me.

If he didn’t know that there was such a person like me in this world, then I could understand his indifference for so many years. Yet, if he knew everything already and did not want to face the truth, then what? Did I still need to find him?

I was silent for a while before opening my mouth, “Does he know of my existence?”

Cheng Yichen hesitated for a moment before answering, “He knows.”

“Then does he know where I am?”

“He knows.”

My heart sank.

“I don’t want to ask.”

Cheng Yichen was taken aback for a moment.

I explained, “I don’t want to know more about him. That’s all.”

Cheng Yichen watched me.

“Since he knew everything and didn’t come forward, then there’s nothing to say. I don’t plan to go to him either. This is the end of the matter.”

He eagerly responded, “Don’t be like this. Xiao Jing, it’s not that he doesn’t care about you.”

I asked, “Then why does he care about me?”

“…..”

“May I ask what is preventing him from confessing to me? Is someone preventing him from coming forward? Or is he unable to because of a broken leg?”

“…..”

“No, right? He just doesn’t want to, does he?”

Cheng Yichen whispered, “No, he did not want to hurt you…”

I smiled, “So I look like I haven’t been hurt?”

“…..”

“I suggest that he stop making excuses for evading responsibility under the idea of ‘not wanting to cause hurt.’”

“…..”

“Knowing that he has a child and knowing that he hasn’t fulfilled a father’s responsibility, he should come and meet me to talk about this. That’s what men do, right? What is with hiding under the pretense of ‘concern?’ Isn’t that too hypocritical?”

“…..”

“Please figure it out and make it clear. From the moment I was birthed and he ignored me, he was already hurting me, but now he is saying that he doesn’t ‘want to hurt?’ Does he not know what it means to hurt?”

Cheng Yichen’s throat moved with difficulty. It took him a long time to utter out, “Xiao Jing, he feels very guilty about you. As for admitting to you, it’s not that he doesn’t want to but he does not dare…”

“So he’s a coward?”

“…..”

“Isn’t he just running away? What is there to deny about what he’s done? If he feels shame, then he should apologize to me, right? Even if my existence was a mistake to him, then please stand up and admit this mistake. Is it difficult? Is it really that hard?”

“…..”

I spoke and questioned aggressively. I began to choke up, “Are all you adults so cowardly and hypocritical?”

Cheng Yichen stopped talking. He looked very sad and I did not know who he was feeling that sadness for.

I slept extremely poorly that night. Despite of taking melatonin, I was restless and my sleep was short lived and unstable.

In a haze-like dream, it felt like someone was watching over me by the bed. He stroked my head gently and murmured “poor child,” seemingly on the verge of crying.