Paranoid Love Affair

“The bunny’s name was Hye-eun..”

‘Hyeun… … . Hye-eun Lee… … .’

Yoon-woo continued to ponder the name in his mind.

He stopped repeating the name for even a moment, but he was afraid he might forget it.

And he was happy to repeat that name. It is the name of the person who first loved Yoon-woo.

It was much more important than the English words I memorized while preparing for the SAT or the basic concepts of the major that I was reviewing over and over again.

It was funny that I even went to a psychiatrist for fear that such things would slip out of my head.

None of it was important.

Now I know what’s really important.

The only thing that matters in the world is Hye-eun.

Other things are irrelevant whether they disappear from my mind or not.

“Yoon-woo, I’m going now… … .”

“Uh… … already?”

“Can you just leave your laundry like that? If you leave it wet for a long time, it will smell. I’m also embarrassed to be in this position for a long time… … . And, I don’t think I can meet you like this yet.”

“I’m sorry… … .”

“After you get better, if I can take a good look around, then I’ll come see you even if you don’t like it.”

“How can you be sure that you’ll know when I am better?”

“I know right away. What your voice is like and even where you stay.”

“If, bunny… … . Hye-eun, what if everything you saw was wrong, and what I perceived to be around me was real? Then I’ll always be like this… … . If you say you won’t see me until it’s all right, won’t I be able to see you forever?”

“Yoon-woo, the people around you never reject you as you think. It will never happen.”

“It’s just your opinion.”

“Uh…..Yoon-woo, you really…’’

“If Hye-eun believes what you see is the truth, I’ll also believe what you see as the truth. But if what I believe is the actual reality, I will continue to fail to meet the conditions you put forward. You like me, I like you too, but I can’t keep seeing you… … . I’ll believe you now that you like me, but I can’t accept you saying that I like you but I don’t want to meet you.”

“I didn’t say I don’t want to meet you. I want to meet you too. Maybe more than you want to see me.”

“Then why don’t we just meet? You want it, and I want it too… … .”

“You want that? No. I just made you think you want it. I was trying not to be like this… … . It’s my fault. Still, I really want you to be able to properly face people without being obsessed with me. If you are always in this shape like now, you will always depend on me whenever you see me”

“… … Can’t we meet sometime? I won’t depend on you, really… … .”

“I think this is already dependent, Yoon-woo.”

“Ah… … .”

Yoon-woo couldn’t deny Hye-eun’s words.

It was because he had a strong desire to lean on Hye-eun.

How can I not feel that way?

It was the first time someone else hugged Yoon-woo.

She was the first person to tell Yoon-woo that it was okay.

Those were the most considerate words for Yoon-woo.

Because Yoon-woo was always okay no matter what he did.

I wanted to hear that I’ve suffered.

At that point, I also wanted to hear that I did well.

There were many people who boasted that they did well and held a celebration drinking party with their friends even if they passed high school, no, even if they got into a university with lower entrance exam points.

However, passing high school was not a good thing for Yoon-woo.

He didn’t tell anyone that he did well.

He only thought that everyone was disappointed with him.

Yoon-woo’s efforts to pass the high school lost its value, and only the lack of ability of himself that did not live up to his expectations settled in his heart.

But Hye-eun said that even such a pathetic Yoon-woo was okay.

In the coin laundry, she hugged and patted Yoon-woo, who was trembling in fear alone and had an ugly seizure of emotions.

Hye-eun in this position is in front of him, so why shouldn’t she meet him?

Why does she have to look at other people?

Yoon-woo couldn’t understand.

“Still… … . I just met someone like you… … . Now that you’re gone, I’ll just keep thinking of wanting to meet you. Maybe until the next time I see you again. Like seeing each other properly? Will my heart be able to bear it until that time?”

“… …Ah… What should I do with you? I can’t do this… … .”

“Can’t we just see each other every now and then? Two or three times a year is fine… … . I want to live with the hope that I can meet you.’’

“… … Okay, let’s do that, then.”

“Then, when can we meet next time?”

“Let’s meet after Yoon-woo’s midterm exam. How is it? Of course, I’ll cover my face even then… … . After all, Yoon-woo should also study for the exam soon, right?”

“Ok, fine. Thank you, Hye Eun-ah.”

“Now, I’m really going. I’m going to wear a mask, but I hope you still haven’t seen me yet. So, even when the door sounds, don’t look back for a while, okay?

“Okay, but how long?”

“I’m going to run into the alley quickly and send you a fly kiss, so wait until then. If you look back, I really won’t be contacting you anymore.”

“Okay, I’ll not look back.”

When Yoon-woo answered, Hye-eun took care not to let her hands fall from Yoon-woo’s eyes, and she slowly returned to Yoon-woo’s back.

Then, she took her hands off Yoon-woo’s eyes and seemed to walk towards the entrance to the laundry.

Being afraid to cut off contact with her, Yoon-woo did not even look back, let alone open his eyes.

Then, I heard the laundry door open and close, and I heard footsteps running.

He didn’t hear her footsteps anymore after Hye-eun went out a little further.

Still, Yoon-woo did not open his eyes, holding his cell phone with both hands and waiting for the kakaotalk to come.

Within a few minutes, Yoon-woo’s hand felt a welcome vibration.

– Now that’s it. You can look back.

– Are you going home?

-Huh.

-How long does it take to get home?

– I won’t say that. But it doesn’t take very long.

-Then, is it okay if I go home and call you after hanging up my laundry?

– Of course.You can.

-Thanks. I’ll go ahead and contact you. Go in carefully.

– Yeah, I’ll wait.

When I opened my eyes and looked around, there was no one in the laundry or outside the window.

The surroundings were so quiet that I even doubted that the fact that a person named Hye-eun was in this place, was not his hallucinations.

However, the scent of Hye-eun’s body still remained in the air around him.

Even in the eyes and neck of Yoon-woo, where Hye-eun had put her hand, the warmth left by her body temperature did not disappear.

Obviously, someone other than Yoon-woo was here with Yoon-woo.

Yoon-woo hurriedly packed the laundry and ran to his dorm.

He wanted to get into the room as soon as possible so that he could call Hye-eun.

Was the bunny’s name really Hye-eun, the person Hye-eun who had really saved him from his hallucinations, and… … .

Did she really kiss someone who doubted her heart? … .

Come on, if he didn’t listen to her voice and confirm, it all seemed like a lie.

Yoon-woo, who arrived in his own room, ran up to the roof, running up the stairs two at a time.

He usually wears earphones and listens to music while hanging laundry, but now there is no time for that.

The night wind was strong on the rooftop of Yoon-woo’s room, so socks, panties, and running shirts were often blown away overnight, unless the laundry was securely fastened with clothes pins.

Facing such a difficult crisis, Yoon-woo hung the laundry slowly, carefully, checking that the clothes pins were not too loose and stayed the way they were even if the wind blew.

And, whether or not some of his underwear is blown away by the wind.

Yoon-woo, in a hurry, didn’t even straighten his clothes by shaking them properly before hanging them on the drying rack.

He seemed ridiculous to even say that he had hung the laundry.

It would be more appropriate to say that he hung the laundry on the drying rack with clothes pins.

‘I don’t know, I will hang it again tomorrow.’

With that in mind, Yoon-woo went down the stairs and entered the room.

“Hello? Hye Eun-ah?”

[ Yes, Yoon-woo.]

“It’s okay to call you Hye-eun instead of a bunny, right?”

[ It’s ok.]

“Did you get home safely?”

[ I just came in. But Yoon-woo, have you already hung all the laundry?]

“Yeah, I wanted to call you, so I did it sooner.”

[ We talked for quite some time at the laundry… … . Still, you wanted to talk to me so quickly?]

“Huh. I wonder if it’s all a dream… …’’

[ Ah, it’s so shameful… … .]

“No, what are you ashamed of?”

[ It’s really embarrassing to come home and think about it. I didn’t originally intend to do this. Kiss too… … . I didn’t mean to do that, but I really wanted to do it a little on the cheeks… … . Why can’t I control myself like this?]

“Thank you. If it wasn’t for you, I also… … . I also wouldn’t have done anything like that until I died. Don’t blame yourself too much.”

[ No, absolutely not. It’s only for Yoon-woo. A lot of people would be outraged if they knew I did this. What do you think… … . I really did something embarrassing.]

“There is no such person… … . Don’t think about it.”

[ Because there is… … Ah… I’m a little tired of even saying this now.]

“But, yes. Hye Eun-ah, can I ask how old you are?”

[ Oh, didn’t I tell you? … … .Why? Are you worried that I might be an aunt?]

“I already guessed that you’re not a minor… … . I thought maybe you were a delinquent teenager. But with you, that kiss… … . I’ve done that Because I like it.”

[ No.I’m not a teenager. Have you ever thought that I can also be about your age? ]

“Huh? Do you know my age?”

[ No, you’re still a college student, aren’t you? I don’t think you’ve gone to the military yet. ]

“Yeah, I’m 20 years old, how about you?”

[ I… … I am twenty-… … two years old.]

“You were older than me? Should I call Hye-eun noona? ”

[ Do not do that. Just call me Hye-eun. But… … . Is it okay to be older than you? Do you hate it when a girl older than you likes you?]

“No, it doesn’t matter at all. Thank you so much Hye Eun-ah. Because you like me.”

[ Yoon-woo, then, it’s ok now, right? ]

“Huh?”

[ Now do you believe that I really like you? ]

“I believe.”

[ Then, next time, I hope you don’t say ‘someone like me’ in front of me. Including that, Yoon-woo, I hope you don’t say anything that demeans yourself.]

“… … Did I say that?”

[ Yeah, quite a lot.]

“Is that so… … . I’m sorry, so I keep saying things like that even today. But before that, thank you for talking with someone like me for so long. Ah, talking with a person like me is… like… . He doesn’t talk much and it’s boring to talk with him… like that… .”

Conscious of Hye-eun’s words, he tried to say the right words. But, no matter how he tried to correct his words, in the end, he used self-deprecating words.

[ Yoon-woo, what kind of movie did you see often? ]

“Huh?”

[ Let’s just say that you have seen one movie which was really fun and moving. Every scene in the movie is meaningful and you can relate to the director’s thoughts, so it’s really good.]

“Uh… … What.?”

[ You left the movie theater with such a happy heart… … . The film director is there. And then he said ‘Thank you for paying 10,000 won to watch the garbage movie I made. This piece was actually really messed up. But thanks to you, I can make a living.’ How would you feel then?]

“… … .”

[ That’s how I feel, Yoon-woo. Talking with you is a fun and precious time for me as well. I’m not sacrificing for you. You said that at the laundry, right? You’re not ugly at all. You’re such a lovely person, and it’s a pity that you’re having such a hard time. So, I want to keep talking, and I want to keep hugging you to erase your pain even a little bit. But if you degrade yourself in that way, I feel like my thoughts of you and the joy I feel while being with you are nothing more than just garbages. ]

“… … I’m sorry.”

[ So, if you believe that what I think of you is true, please accept it. Got it? ]

“Yeah, I got it.”

[ Okay then, good night. You will be tired today. ]

“Hye Eun-ah.”

[ Huh? ]

“Thanks. Really.”

[ Ah, what do you mean… … .]

“Good night. Let’s call tomorrow.”

[ Okay. ]

‘Can someone else love someone who doesn’t even love themselves? Respect and love yourself first before you expect others to love you.’

It’s all lies in order for a person to love himself. In reality, he first needs assurance that he is worthy of love.

Someone has to convince you that you’re worthy of love first. Whether it’s family, friends, lovers… … .

If you think about it, isn’t that a cruel word?

Someone puts a pottery made with great care on the market, but no one pays for it.

Porcelain is a pottery made with blood and sweat, but it is not perceived as valuable by anyone.

To that, you say, ‘Is it the pottery you made? So, is it okay to keep it beautiful with love and affection?’.

Pottery that no one buys, pottery that no one gives value to, yet you hug it alone and say, ‘It’s okay. This pottery is worth 1 million won to me… … .’ and muttering like a madman? Then, you become really crazy.

Pricing is not decided alone.

It is determined by the market. The person who wants to buy and the person who wants to sell meet and decide.

Some people who come with a lot of money to the auction house raise their bids, ‘I’ll buy it for 300,000 won!’, ‘I’ll buy it for 500,000 won!’, and ‘I’ll have it for 1 million won!’. Only then, the pottery will become worth 1 million won.

A bid of 1 million won on a piece of pottery only worth 1 million won if someone asks for a bid for that amount.

Pottery for which no one offers a bid is garbage.

Yoon-woo’s heart was a pottery that could not be sold.

In Yoon-woo’s life, not a single person liked Yoon-woo.

Even if they only called 10 won, they could have taken all of Yoon-woo, but no one called for a bid. Yoon-woo thought his heart was so cheap that no one would take it.

Yoon-woo, who no one likes, could not like himself, who cannot even be sold for 10 won.

People can only believe that they are worth it when someone sets a price for them.

However, in the heart of Yoon-woo, who had not been picked up by anyone, the first person to offer a bid appeared.

That’s Hye-eun. She even offered a price that was too high for a product that could be taken with just 10 won.

So, for this moment, it seemed that Hye-eun could think of him as valuable as she hugged, kissed, and said that she liked him even to today’s Yoon-woo.

He seemed to have been given permission to love her.

Among the many people in the world, only Hye-eun gave such permission.

But, she is the only Hye-eun who gives him love and she is thinking the wrong thing.

Just meeting Hye-eun is like a miracle, and there can be no other person like that in the world.

Hye-eun is mistaken because she is a very kind person.

Because Yoon-woo looked good in her own eyes, she thought that other people would see him as good as she did.

Even though it’ll never happen. Even though there is no such person like Hye-eun.

Why would you think like that?

Is it an extension of what she said before?

Was it true that she wanted Yoon-woo to know that there were fruits other than apples, and that he had to choose one fruit with his own mind to be true love?

However, one cannot know all the fruits of the world anyway.

No matter how far and how far he travels, the fruits that he knows are only a little.

Maybe he’s in a remote place on one side of the world and there’s a fruit that fits his taste best on the opposite side. He has to go for a long time and difficult journey to reach it.

But, he can’t even go there anyway, so what does it mean to know that such a fruit exists?

Even if he just doesn’t know them, isn’t that enough if he’s happy to eat the only fruit he knows?

The only person who likes Yoon-woo is Hye-eun.

And Yoon-woo is so happy that his mind is overflowing with happiness.

Yoon-woo can give everything to Hye-eun.

He can give away all of his love that was stored in his heart, which he had not put on the surface until now, and place it deep inside at the bottom of his heart.

It would be nice if Hye-eun accepted all of that… … . Hye-eun thinks she would be too greedy to accept all that.

People in the world always seem to divide sides based on some criteria.

Gender, age, religion, political groups… … . Yoon-woo couldn’t afford to think about such things.

The standard for dividing the sides that has occurred in Yoon-woo’s life so far was more absurd than anything else.

The only criteria was whether they like Yoon-woo or not.

Yoon-woo was always alone on the other side, and everyone other than Yoon-woo was on the opposite side.

But not now. Now Hye-eun is also on Yoon-woo’s side.

And Yoon-woo will always be on Hye-eun’s side no matter what happens.

When I thought about it that way, strangely, the room that I’m staying in now seemed bigger than usual.

I think I know now.

Why don’t other people suffer from anxiety that the ceiling would crush them when they’re alone, and why don’t other people panic just because they’re going to be hated for a word when they talk to someone… … .

Even if Yoon-woo collapses alone in the room, Hye-eun, who is worried about Yoon-woo, will call 911.

Even if Yoon-woo is hated by Ji-eun or Hye-rim, Hye-eun will not hate Yoon-woo.

If there is Hye-eun who likes Yoon-woo, I think I can endure it even if everyone in the world hates and swears at Yoon-woo.

Before I met Hye-eun, dating people was very scary.

Even if the other person had a crush on Yoon-woo for a while, she quickly got tired of it and left, it seemed that the remaining Yoon-woo would only grow to hate himself.

I wondered how strong the hearts of people who broke up with their lover and met a new lover could do that.

However, Yoon-woo seemed to know the state of his heart a little.

I just loved this moment.

If it had been Yoon-woo before this, he would have regretted all the moments that existed until just before he died, and he would have died while hating Yoon-woo who lived in that moment.

But now, even if I die right away, I don’t think I can hate myself as much as I did before at this moment with Hye-eun that happened today.

At this moment, I think I can admit that I lived a good life.

If that’s the case, it’s okay if you don’t have to be with someone when you die. Yoon-woo, it’s okay to be alone because you have happy memories right now.

So, if Hye-eun gets tired of Yoon-woo and eventually hates it, it’s okay for her to leave. He will be happy enough for Hye-eun and live as long as she wants him.

It looks like he’ll be able to offset all the unhappy moments in his life with that happiness.

If Hye-eun eventually gets tired of Yoon-woo and leaves, he would be left alone. And, he has to commit suicide at that very moment.

Then, at that time, he might die happily.

It doesn’t matter now whether it’s his parents or anything.

Only Hye-eun gave meaning to his life.

No one else is needed.

Lying on the cramped and rough bed, I could not sleep easily today.

But the reason for not being able to sleep was completely different from usual.

If it is normal, because of the anxiety, my heart would be racing because of the stuffy cramped room, and I would take sleeping pills to silence my thoughts of worries for tomorrow and to get sleep.

But now, he remembered Hye-eun’s body temperature and the touch of her lips as she hugged him, and his heart raced.

A smile spread across his lips without him realizing it.

At the thought that he had affirmed that Hye-eun is real, his heart was pounding, and he couldn’t sleep at all.

Still, I didn’t feel like taking the medicine today.

I love this overwhelming feeling right now, so I wanted to keep feeling this happiness even if I couldn’t sleep.

So, Yoon-woo tossed and turned for a while before falling asleep.

It was a deep sleep different from usual. He didn’t think about any depressing things before he fell asleep. And, it seemed like he had a happy dream.

Perhaps, … … The bunnies and apple trees must have appeared in that dream.

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