Paranoid Love Affair

After the modern business administration class, Yoon-woo ran out of the classroom and fell on the bed in his cramped room for several hours.

‘Yoon-woo has a very pretty voice.’

What was that expression she said that with?

Was the smile on her lips a sneer? Or was it her compassionate smile?

No matter how many times he thought about it, his heart ached.

‘I wish I could disappear right now.’

[Tofu, are you not feeling well today?]

Yoon-woo was in the middle of voice chatting with Bunny today as well.

“How did you know?”

[It’s just that you don’t talk much and sigh a lot more than usual.]

“Yeah, it’s just like that these days.”

[Then shall I sing you a song? Mountain~Rabbit Rabbit~ Where are you going~♪]

Bunny started singing without waiting for Yoon-woo to reply, and eventually completed the nursery rhyme.

The song, sung with Bunny’s characteristic high tone and a slightly exhilarating voice, was cute and funny at the same time.

It seems that we lived in another dimension where we didn’t worry about things that were going on in our lives, and Bunny was kind enough to respect my privacy and did not ask what is going on with your life and things.

“… … Have you been drinking?”

[Ugh. I haven’t drunk yet! I sang a song to tell you to cheer up! Excuse me!]

“No. I’m just saying. Thank you for your singing. But, uh… …. Bunny?”

[Huh!]

“We’ve been getting along well without knowing deeply about each other until now, but I don’t know if I can suddenly ask this question… … .”

[I’m fine. Didn’t I ever tell you to ask?]

“Yes you did. Then, don’t mind me asking this. Why does bunny want to die?”

[Huh?]

“When I talk to you, I can feel that you are kind and considerate. Even if I’m feeling a little low, you immediately recognize it and talk to me. You know how to suddenly sing a funny song to lighten the mood. No matter how much I think about it, you would be the type of person who would be popular with the people around you, but I was wondering why you wanted to die.”

[It’s funny… …. I really think about that too. And I don’t really want to die, you know?]

“What? Then why are you doing this with me?”

[I said I didn’t want to die; I was looking for someone to die with!]

“You don’t want to die, but why are you looking for someone to die with? … … Can you help me understand?”

[Simply put, I don’t like people who would go out to meet other women after I die. If you really loved me, wouldn’t it be natural for you to die after I died because wouldn’t it be too lonely to live in the world in which I’ve died? If it were me, and if the other person dies, I will surely die with him. So, I was looking for someone I could die with.]

Yoon-woo thought that the bunny might be more insane than he thought.

“Uh… …. Then you have a different purpose than me, don’t you think? Because you don’t want to die.”

[No, I chose Tofu as the person to die with, so it doesn’t matter. When Tofu wants to die, I will die with you!]

“Are you saying that I was the ‘person’ you just talked about? You don’t know what I look like, how old I am, or what I’m doing?”

[Are you not a college student? Well, those are all trivial things before death. And you were the only one I was looking for.]

“What kind of person is that?”

[Someone who wants to die and agreed to die with me without any ulterior motives .]

“Ah… ….”

He seemed to know what she meant. Even when Yoon-woo was wandering around suicide-related open chat rooms, there were men who thought Yoon-woo’s tone was feminine and thought he was a woman. I didn’t even reveal my voice clearly, but I don’t know why they thought I was a woman after only seeing the message. Even in such a situation where the gender is ambiguous, there are surprisingly many beasts living in the world.

[Once I opened the chat room and the guy said he wants to do it once before we die, because he’s lonely. So, he suggested we go to a club together. You were the only one who was pure.]

“But didn’t you also ask me to meet you for a drink?”

[That… … I just tested it. Was it because the reason you approached me was for sexuality, or because you had a serious desire to die together.]

“Isn’t there still someone who fits both of your criterias? He has a sexual desire and seriously wants to die with you. I think it might be found among people who only want to have sex once before they die?”

[There is no such person.]

Bunny’s voice sank down coldly.

[When I die, instead of following me, they will soon find someone else. Someone else to satisfy their needs.]

Taking a deep breath, Bunny continued her speech.

[My dad is like that too… …He was a perfect lover when my mom was alive. He bought flowers for her every day. Every morning he said he loved her… … But after my mother died, he immediately remarried with another woman. They have two kids now. Two kids other than me. So, for that person, love was sexuality. Such people can find love in anyone. The ones who can love anyone can’t love anyone.]

Bunny’s voice had a calm tone as cool and sharp as a knife that was just sharpened on a whetstone.

It was in contrast to her usual gentle voice. For the first time, Yoon-woo felt afraid after hearing bunny’s voice.

“Excuse me… … But what you want is… … Aren’t you supposed to do it with someone you love so much? Like Romeo and Juliet. Is it okay if you blindly choose someone like me?”

[How do you know that Romeo and Juliet loved each other so much?]

“Uh… … that… … The author expressed it that way… ….”

[How did the author express that they loved each other? He literally killed them both right?]

“Ah, yeah… … as a result, they died.”

She continued her speech with a youthful voice again, but the content became more and more strange for Yoon-woo to hear.

[To love to the point of death, after all, is something that you won’t know until you die. My father, who said he loved my mother to death, remarried as soon as my mother died, right? Instead of dying along with her. Conversely, if someone dates each other and dies together… …. That’s love! Much more sacred than my father’s love… ….]

[Anyone can talk about love only with words. Dating, having sex, and throwing presents, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that really matters is death. I can’t say I love you until we die together.]

For Yoon-woo, it was a love affair that felt a little creepy.

What does she mean? The story of loving someone so much that they even want to die together was acceptable.

But since death is love, you want someone to die with you first to prove love.

“Even if Bunny’s saying that ‘The most important thing is death’ is true, shouldn’t we start with our feelings and check it?”

Can I say that I love her just by dying with her?

[Isn’t love implied in saying we want to die together? Feelings come next.]

“I’ve never had any feelings for Bunny. No, not only to you, but to no one… …. Because I never imagined living well with anyone.”

[But have you ever dreamed of dying with me? So, we’ve already had the deepest relationship in each other’s lives.]

“That… … Huh?”

[Then,]

He was confused.

Normally, when I came home with a disturbed mind, I calmed myself down by listening to Bunny’s chatter, but today after talking with Bunny, I became more disturbed to the point that I couldn’t remember what Hye-rim said earlier.

[Then can I ask Tofu for something?]

“Uh… … uh? what? Uh, yes. ask.”

What is the question she wants to ask following this story? Yoon-woo was a little perplexed at the thought of that, but the next question was completely unexpected.

[What kind of woman is your ideal type?]

“Ideal type? uh… …. As I just said, I didn’t even think about dating a girl, so I don’t really know… ….”

[Then you haven’t even kissed yet?]

“… … Huh?”

[Then shall I meet you and do it with you? Don’t worry! It’s my first time too!]

“What? Oh, is this still a test?”

[No!! Tofu has already passed all the tests]

“Uh… … it’s only a kiss. So, it’s okay.”

[Why? Are you afraid that I might be ugly? Or am I not upto your liking?]

“No, I just don’t want to meet you for that purpose.”

[After all, Tofu is so pure. I’m glad Tofu chats with me. Heh heh.]

A chill crept up Yoon-woo’s spine at the sound of her laughter.

Yoon-woo, who quit the app saying he was going to take a shower, couldn’t erase the feeling of dread after the conversation with Bunny was over.

He thought for a moment that he might have to stop contacting Bunny now.

All he needs to do is to open a new kakaotalk account and a voice chat app account. Because she still doesn’t know Yoon-woo’s phone number or name.

But as he pondered, he had no reason to block Bunny.

Although Bunny’s values were a little burdensome, her purpose and Yoon-woo’s purpose were still not in conflict.

Anyway, she doesn’t pour out her feelings to others, and she is a caring friend who listens to Yoon-woo and always asks how he is feeling today.

Come to think of it, how many of those who would commit suicide have a healthy mind? But among them, Bunny was a particularly good person.

How much time has he spent with Bunny, but he’s trying to end this relationship just because of a moment of silliness… …?

Even though it had been more than half a year since he met Bunny, Yoon-woo kept his vigilance toward her as a stranger in one corner of his heart, but now he did not want to imagine himself dying alone without Bunny.

She’s such a good girl, and if she wants to call her death as love, there’s nothing that even little Yoon-woo can do.

A will to show his parents could be more plausible.

What we need to worry about now is not the issue of a nice girl like Bunny, but how to minimize contact with Cho Hye-rim.

* * *

Two days after that, it was economics principle time.

“Why are you sitting so far away? You make me sad.”

Said Hye-rim packing her luggage and following Yoon-woo who was sitting far away from her.

Definitely, Cho Hye-rim was more of a problem than Bunny.

When Yoon-woo heard, “Yoon-woo has a pretty voice,” he thought she might be trying to look down on Yoon-woo and tease him or sympathize with him.

You want to get prideful of yourself by showing mercy to Yoon-woo, who is walking around alone, like Cho Hye-rim, a fourth grader in elementary school, right?

So, Yoon-woo wanted to avoid her as much as he could.

“Oh…… I came late, so I sat down in a hurry. That’s why.”

“Is your house far from here? Who do you live with?”

“Not much. I live alone, but I went back to sleep after exercising in the morning.”

“Where do you work out? What sports? ”

“Just some simple exercises at the gym.”

“The one at the school?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Oh, my God! I go there too!”

‘I know. Please stop talking to me’…Yoon-woo was thinking in his mind.

I want to stop the conversation with the least courtesy, but the conversation continues constantly.

Is that the power of insiders? Is the Bolivian Professor taking a dump? Why the hell isn’t she coming to class?

Yoon-woo was thinking like that.

“Hey, I’ll come early and save you a seat. Let’s sit down and cooperate. We’re the team members for a semester after all.”

While I was thinking about how to be polite with the words “no,” I couldn’t even refuse properly because the Professor came.

Why is this woman so entangled with Yoon-woo?

Yoon-woo suddenly thought, ‘Maybe she’s not teasing or pitying, but she’s really thoughtless.’

Yoon-woo was aware that he can expand the interpretation of other people’s intentions sometimes.

Insiders somehow give unintentional compliments and continue conversations with useless topics to maintain their relationship without any intention with someone.

Whether the other person likes it or not, he or she basically tries to maintain a good relationship, so he or she uses various conversation skills as if he or she is breathing.

What about Cho Hye-rim, the ultimate insider?

Wouldn’t she be habitually using her interpersonal skills to continue a good relationship with Lee Yoon-woo, an outsider who seems to be leading the group project?

It is much more reasonable to think so.

It presupposes interest in the other person, whether favourable or hostile.

There is no way that someone like Cho Hye-rim is interested in Yoon-woo.

He’ll probably be her chimpanzee taking the classes next to her.

‘What are you going to have for lunch?’
She will continue the conversation naturally after the class too.

Thinking that way, I became ashamed of myself for being overly conscious of Hye-rim.

Yoon-woo decided to widen his mental distance instead of physical distance from her.

“Yoon-woo, what are you having for lunch?”

When the class was over, Hye-rim asked Yoon-woo.

Yoon-woo was hoping she would stop asking questions.

“I’m eating in my room.”

I don’t have money and friends. I wanted to add that.

“Then would you like to have lunch with me today? My friend ditched me as she got some work to do. Oh, not just today, but…….”

It’s difficult.

Everything was difficult.

The biggest problem was that there was no money.

Yoon-woo calculated the cost of food to buy tuna cans, pork back legs, and salads in advance, and was putting all the rest of the money into an autonomous instalment savings account.

The goal was to be able to cover the expenses incurred after Yoon-woo’s suicide.

Therefore, if you spend more than 4,000 won per meal, you will have to starve for other meals.

I starved a few times on Sundays last month since I had no cash because I had already saved all that money.

What is Hye-rim’s favourite menu? How many meals would Yoon-woo have to skip if he eats with someone who spends 5,800 won for dessert?

Secondly, what kind of menu will Yoon-woo have to eat with Cho Hye-rim?

Yoon-woo has lived here for more than half a year, but he hardly knew where and what was good because he had never eaten outside.

What if she asks, ‘Yoon-woo, is there a place you like?’

She’ll probably ask, surely.

Anyone can tell that Yoon-woo is a nerd outsider, but he didn’t want to confess with his own mouth, “I haven’t been anywhere.”

Third, what will Yoon-woo talk about with her when he eats?

Yoon-woo doesn’t watch dramas, movies, and does not participate in the department or club.

Not only Cho Hye-rim but also whoever he brings with him won’t overlap with him.

Oh, it might be okay if you’re Bunny who talks excitedly, who’s also good at talking.

And I was just scared of the time I spent with Cho Hye-rim.

‘Don’t you think Yoon-woo is messy when he eats?’

‘I shouldn’t have asked him to eat with me. He eats terribly.’ What if she thinks like that?

‘It’s awkward. Why is he talking so boringly?’ What if she’s bored to death?

It’s best not to hang out with beautiful people.

It’s especially heart-breaking and sad to face the fact that beautiful people hate them, outsiders like Yoon-woo.

“I’m sorry. I’m short of living expenses. It’d be hard to eat outside.”

I think it’s almost the only excuse I can make, even though I say I am a beggar. However, Hye-rim did not step down easily.

“Well, how about the snack you choose? It’s the best value for the money! Don’t you like tteokbokki? It’s 4,000 won per person even if we two eat a lot. What do you think?”

‘Oh, please… Why are you doing this to me?’

Does she know my personality and want to enjoy my difficulties?

As Hye-rim said, it is famous for its cost-effectiveness.

Yoon-woo knows it. But it’s crowded with students at lunchtime.

Besides, someone like Cho Hye-rim wants to eat tteokbokki for Yoon-woo’s budget. I can’t believe I have to eat tteokbokki with sauce on the other side of my mouth with a kid like that sitting down…….

But what excuse should I use to reject Hye-rim’s suggestion? ‘I don’t like tteokbokki. I want to go home.’

A person at the center of everyone, like Hye-rim, recommended Yoon-woo, and he had to reject it. Considering his financial situation she made another suggestion, but to reject it again, a reasonable reason is needed.

If he refuses without giving a reason, Yoon-woo will definitely be screwed sometime in the future.

It is a fact that Yoon-woo learned from experience.

“Yes, then…… let’s do it.”

In the end, Yoon-woo had to give up.

The scene of lunch with Hye-rim painted in Yoon-woo’s head was miserable and disastrous.