Picked Up In Winter

Picked Up In Winter – <29> Part 2

The whole two remaining days were spent in bed. It was because my body wasn’t well and I didn’t want to move, and truth be told, moving was also hard.

Thanks to that, the main place we spent the days was either the sofa or the bed. During the two days, he also passed the days laying next to me, the conversations between us were still very few, simply lying together in the same space. One thing that I would say had changed though was that he stared at me obviously once in a while, and got into the habit of playing with my hair.

On the night of the last day, I somehow managed to feel better, and was able to at least go to the bathroom myself.

In other words.
It meant…… that there was no obstacle to me leaving.

I felt uncomfortable because I couldn’t wash properly the last two days, so I thought I should at least shower that night. I raised myself furtively and tried to get out of bed, when he asked me in an odd voice as he was laying next to me and reading manhwa.1

“What’s it?”

“Bath….”

“Oh…… ok.”

He answered, scratching his head. I grabbed some change of clothes and headed to the bathroom.

Snap.

When I came into the bathroom and closed the door, a sigh escaped me unknowingly. For the last three days, the emotions seemed to be endlessly calm and quiet, but that wasn’t really the case. Deep down, there was still violent clashing of happiness and despair. No, maybe these two emotions continued to co-exist at the same time.

Now I had to leave this house by tomorrow morning.

Nonetheless, it didn’t feel real.

My mother, I will be seeing her again. I will see my mother, who is anxiously missing and waiting for me only. Let’s just think about that. I used to hate it so much when she tried to sacrifice for me, wanting her to live for her own happiness even just a little, but now I think differently.

Happiness, it is something different for each person.

She, after all, was living for her own happiness. I was thinking with my own standards, and in the end, I found her annoying because of my own pursuit of happiness. I thought she was unhappy. I thought of her as an infinitely unhappy woman who lived for my sake.

However…….

If living for me is her happiness, than it is that. It’s not a sacrifice.

Let’s respect it.

Let’s respect her happiness a little more. Let’s not evade that responsibility anymore. You can shoulder that responsibility, and be happy. What she wants is me showing my happy self as much as possible.

And that would become my atonement for abandoning her for these few months…….

My heart felt very refreshed. When I saw the bathtub full of hot water in no time, trying to enter it I bent down.

But then the bathroom door opened with a click.

“…?”

Looking back quizzically, Jun Hyung’s face was slightly sticking out and looking this way.

“I want to take bath, too……”

“…….”

“Can’t we do it together?”

“…….”

“… I won’t do anything.”

“…….”

I hadn’t said anything, who knows if he was starting to feel guilty, but him adding the last bit was slightly funny. When I softly nodded, he made a very similar expression to Min Hyung’s when he gets snacks and came inside.

… I had thought they didn’t look alike at all, but they were brothers after all.

I thought looking at him, but then turned away when he quickly stripped and threw away his clothes.

While I sat unmovingly in the bathtub, he turned on the shower and started showering.

“…….”

While listening to the sound, I was lost in thought. I may have decided to show her a lot of my happy self, but if I really had to leave this house so I could see her, wouldn’t have the happiness I’ve felt thus far disappear… I thought about this.

I will give up my life as Happy in this house and leave from here. What will happen to him? Will he be seized by an unbearable despair, or will he continue living like before as if there had been no such existense as Happy?

After the day I went out with his older sister, I felt a sudden guilt when I thought of him tightly hugging me. But no. I can’t stay with you if it’s just in the substitution of Happy. Don’t call me Happy anymore. Even if it wasn’t because of my mother, I would have still left this house if I had to be with you in this way.

When he runs into the me who can’t be his Happy anymore, what will he do…….

In fact, that was the most important thing to me. I would be so sad if I came back to my own self and had become something that no longer could reach nor affect him. But it would be the same if I had pretended to be his precious dog Happy and stayed by his side. Being special, but at the same time, not.

It was clear that both of them would end up putting me in an unbearable despair. I decided to pluck up my courage. I couldn’t just leave this house like this, alone despairing and longing for him. I kept avoiding it because I thought he’d might feel confused, but if I’m going to leave this house anyway, it would be the same thing……. Let’s choose the one with at least some small possibility.

And he probably also knows that I’m a human. He’s not an autistic kid right now.

I thought this while looking at him as our eyes met.

“Staying in the bath for long will make you dizzy, Happy. Finish it now and come out.”

He spoke.

“Ok….”

I replied curtly and raised myself up. And to take the showerhead I came closer to him, when he suddenly grinned.

“……?”

“Sit down here, Happy. I’ll give you a bath.”

“…….”

…… Another dog treatment.

However, no matter how much I pluck up my courage, because I couldn’t get angry at him and say to not treat me like a dog, I obediently sat down on the bath stool.2 He held up the showerhead and sprayed me a few times with water, and soon started to scrub me gently with the foamed cloth.3

“…….”

I somehow became embarrassed and while bowing my head, remained motionless.

“Come on, Happy. Raise your arm.”

“…….”

“Ok, nice. It’s done. Come on, that arm, too.”

“…….”

Brush, brush, it was filled with the sounds of the rubber moving. I had my head bowed gently and thought that now was the chance.

To ask him.

Even if I wasn’t Happy, would I mean something to you. Even if I leave this house, even if I stop being Happy, can I still be a special existence to you? I gathered all the courage I had collected through my whole life and opened my mouth.

“You……”

“Yeah?”

“…… You… Aren’t you curious?”

“?”

He stopped his hand that was scrubbing me, and I could feel him looking at me with a suspicious gaze. I clenched my fists tightly. My heart pounded, kung-kung. It beat as if it would soon jump out.

“About me…… Aren’t you even a little bit curious?”

“…… Happy?”

“… No. Not that. I’m not Happy. In fact, you already know……”

“…….”

“Don’t you want to know? Who I am… What I’m doing… Why did I leave my house, why did I accept that stupid offer of yours…….”

“…….”

“Aren’t you even a little bit curious about me…….”

I felt him staring at me in silence and I started having difficulty breathing. He stayed still and kept quiet for a while. I even thought that I’d die like this, as I couldn’t breathe. After staring at me blankly for a good while, he opened his mouth in a quiet, calm voice.

“That’s not important, Happy.”

“…….”

The moment he added that name at the end I felt something akin to despair.

“You’ve been picked up by me, you’re just my most precious Happy. That’s enough for me.”

“…!!”

As soon as I heard that, I felt my heart crushed and without realizing it my eyes burned.

He denied. He denied to accept <the real me>.

He basically said you should stay forever as Happy. I command you to not be another existence.

It’s enough if you’re Happy. I don’t really need the real you.

He has whispered in his usual kind voice.

You’re… cruel…….

It’s really just for your own happiness, you. You hadn’t thought about mine at all.

I’m now tired. I’m tired of being substitute for another existence.

Sorry…….

I can’t live for your happiness now.

That night, he fell asleep and although I also lied in my bed, I couldn’t sleep a wink. Just like that, I closed my eyes and killed the time, but when the dawn had come I opened them. And after I packed all the little bit of my everyday items, I was ready to leave. After all, I came here without much so there wasn’t a lot to pack. I put on my coat, wore the scarf he bought me as a Christmas present, and picked up my luggage bag. And before I left, I looked down one last time on his silently sleeping face. I blinked a few times because I felt myself getting choked up.

Let’s say the last goodbye. Before I return as Kang Hagil, let’s say last goodbye to him as Happy.

Goodbye, Jun Hyung. It had been a short time but it was fun. Through you, I have had felt attached to life for the first time. Joy, I felt it for the first time. I will remember everything. I won’t forget anything. The life I have spent in this house, the memories of Christmas that seemed like a pleasant dream, and also the three days you and I have spent together……. Everything, everything, I won’t forget…… Maybe this moment will become the only happy memory in my whole life, even if it will keep tormenting me, I won’t ever forget……

So you just forget it.

Please, forget…….

I’m sorry I couldn’t keep on being Happy… Sorry for being selfish… I’m sorry for thinking only about myself… Sorry I have only thought about my happiness…

My happiness is also important after all……

So, I’m sorry, Jun Hyung.

“…….”

With a firm resolution I turned my back to him.

I will now return to reality.

My dream during the winter has come to an end. This had been from the very start the space I had looked for that kept me from the reality. So, once I return to reality, the fantasy world will disappear.

For the last time, I closed the door quietly, but the words I could never spit and only kept in my heart, I silently whispered them to the sleeping him.

“I like you….”

Maybe even in the future…….

And the moment I had closed the door, I heard him mutter from his sleep.

“Happy…….”

“…!”

At that moment, the tears I had been supressing obscured my view. While holding my bag I ran frantically, escaping from that house.

I’m sorry, sorry…!

I ran screaming endlessly inside. So I wouldn’t see the narrow alley I walked on with him when I first came to this house, I kept my eyes closed tightly, and ran like a madman. The last mumble with his sweet voice seemed to be following my running feet, I was really desperate. No matter how breathless and likely to collapse, I kept on running. And when I finally saw the gate of a familiar house, which I had lived in for a long time, I stopped. And I had realized.

My dream has come to an end.

I was returning to my reality.