Raindrops Book 1: Cry

"Do not allow yourself to be blinded by fear and anger. Everything is only as it is." – Yuki Urushibara

October 7th 2013; 11:07am

I gripped my biology textbook a little too tightly, hugging it to my chest as I walked down the hall towards my classroom. I tried so hard to focus my attention on reaching the classroom but instead, all I could think of were the events of the past week; oh, and the fact that every student seemed to whisper amongst themselves when I walked by.

What did any of them know anyway?

I rolled my eyes, shaking thoughts of everything but that one thing that had bothered me all weekend.

Avian.

I swallowed a lump in my throat as my thoughts wandered to the brown-eyed boy that seemed to have captivated every single one of my emotions, including the rage slowly building up within me.

How could he?

I mean, I might not know the whole story, but I knew enough to know that he was extremely sick and that he didn't want to get better. I seethed, balling my fists as I thought about it; it was as though I had pissed someone off in my past and the universe was coming back to bite me in the ass, because some unseen force seemed to have it in for me.

First, it was Lolita and the car accident, now it was Avian. Even as I hurried towards my biology class, I still had no memory of what had truly happened that night. All I remembered was that I blacked out when the car hit the water and woke up in an ambulance yelling for my little sister, to the surprise of a very shocked paramedic. On top of that, there was this new problem with Avian's medical condition.

The more I thought it, the more my emotions raged; on one hand, I felt betrayed. It was as though something deep within me was crumbling into bits and pieces, and it was making me nauseous.

I felt as though my self-esteem, my trust, and everything had been killed; crushed, and trampled upon by the one I was so infatuated with. It felt as though I had just been on my first rollercoaster; everything was zipping by me so fast, allowing the confusion to build up within me, and as I was plunged downhill, I felt as though my stomach was about to lurch into my throat, slowly choking me and tangling up my insides.

I felt like when the ride ended, things got a bit clearer and I was a bit numb and very dizzy, but ready to climb that ride again; as though the ride would be easier on me a second time. As though he had never lied to me in the first place; as though nothing was the same and everything would be okay.

Yet I was scared; my heart pounding in my chest, making my body shake and my breaths to come out ragged. I swallowed, ignoring the bitter taste in the back of my mouth; a taste that I could not seem to rid myself of as I picked up my pace and practically ran to class.

What was I supposed to do?

I knew for a fact that I couldn't talk to him; I was too angry for that. After I had found out the reason for Avian's secretive silence whenever I asked if he was okay, I had left. I had run from the hospital, not stopping until I got to the closest bus stop. It was there, panting and gasping desperately for air that I lowered myself onto one of the plastic chairs. I hadn't waited for him to wake up; I hadn't been sure exactly what to say to him, and I still had no clue.

The thing was, the more I thought about Avian, and the more my heart yearned to see him; to at least make sure he was okay or just see him smile.

I thought of him and immediately thought of the sunlight in cold air; the reflection on a river, the ripples caused by dolphins when they jumped to gasp for air, and the awe experienced when standing on top of a mountain.

I thought about the brown-haired boy, the one that made my heart melt when he smiled at me; the boy that caused a feeling of irrationality and fascination to ripple through me, before colliding in my chest and bursting out into different directions.

When I thought about how he had intertwined our fingers as we had lay upon my bed, an indescribable feeling surged through me; it was as though reality had been ripped apart, and all I could see or feel, was some sort of weird fantasy and force, pulling me closer to him.

I thought about Avian and got all warm and buttery inside.

What did that mean?

Was I falling in love with Avian?

Even if I was growing stronger and more vivid feelings for the brown-eyed boy, what would that mean for us, and his current condition? If he refused to take any medication to get better, could I go through losing someone I loved again? Was it worth the heartache? The constant feeling of loss and emptiness? Could I survive another love, a being I felt connected with, as though we were meant to be together for all eternity, being yanked away from me, in a split second?

Was falling in love with Avian, or rather being in love with Avian worth it?

Was anything worth it?

"Shay"

Silently, I cursed under my breath, discreetly picking up my pace as I wished for the ground beneath me to open up. As usual, the rumors had spread about Avian; the fact that none of the rumors were true completely pissed me off because they all knew something was wrong with him but they didn't know what. Naturally, they felt it was their place to make up completely absurd stories.

"I heard he jumped off that tall building near the mall"

Probably a rumor from prissy girls with no worries other than nail colors, hair spray, and neon-colored dresses.

"I heard he got alcohol poisoning"

Most likely a rumor from some sort of crack head or drunkard.

"He got shot! I heard he was trying to save some animal or something"

I wasn't even sure I wanted to know who that came from.

"Shay, slow down"

I gritted my teeth irritably, before slowing to a stop and turning around to face my best friend. Angel caught up to me eventually, placing her hands on her knees and letting out ragged puffs of air. I shifted my weight anxiously as I waited for her to catch her breath, averting my gaze from the passing students, and silently willing her not to say anything about Avian.

"So, I heard about Avian"

Of course, Angel had never been one to pick up on hints of any sort.

She straightened herself then, pushing her bangs out of her face. Staring at me expectantly, she placed her hands on her hips and raised her brows.

I sighed.

"Yeah" I muttered, glancing away from her pointed stare. She nodded, ran her hands through her hair, then let out a low breath. I dragged my gaze back to her.

"Is he going to be okay?"

I snapped then, my blank expression turning into an enraged one, not because I didn't want answer the question, but because I didn't know how; it was the same question I had asked myself all weekend.

Was he going to be okay?

The answer that always seemed to pop into my head was yes, if only he decided that he wanted the fucking treatment, but I couldn't necessarily say that because I felt like it wasn't my place. If Avian wanted them to know that he had given up on fighting for his life, then he could well enlighten them himself.

I glanced at Angel and shrugged.

"How would I know?"

Angel stared at me in shock, her eyes widening as she probably wondered what had gotten into me.

"Reality, Angel," I screamed in my head "the fucked up reality of the world we live in"

"I thought you guys were close"

I sighed and shook my head, before glancing down at my feet.

"You and me both" I thought to myself, but out loud, I shrugged and muttered "Yeah, well."

We were silent for a while before I glanced up and cleared my throat "I have to get to class"

Angel smiled at me sadly, before nodding her head slightly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she said quietly. I shot her a small smile, repositioned my tote on my shoulder, and shook my head. She nodded knowingly, gave me a small smile, and then walked away.

I stared after her.

"If only you knew, Angel," I muttered, taking in a deep breath as I turned around and continued toward my class. I was already ten minutes late, but I could not bring myself to care anymore.

"If only you knew"