Refusing to Serve Me? Then Off With Your Head!

Chapter 54 Part 2

40 Questions With the Emperor and Empress

21. What if you have a feeling that your partner has a change of heart?

Xiao Feng:  I will cut off the head of whoever I suspect make her change her heart.

Xiao Yi:….. Nothing really!  He already has a side-lover.

The Author: (Leans forward in interest before whispering) Daughter, are you having problems with your marriage?

Xiao Yi:  Why do I feel like you are enjoying the sight of other’s distress.  Unfortunately, your worry is in vain.  I have to share him with his work, he is a workaholic.

Xiao Feng:  Xiao Yi, are you unhappy with that?  But I have never neglected you in ‘that’ department, seems like I wasn’t doing enough.  (Lifts wife into his shoulder to return to Zhong Hua Palace to fulfill his responsibility.)

The Author: (Anxiously holds them back.)  Cough, the interview is not over.  Please put down the wife first.  You are being watched by the entire nation, such a loss of conduct.

The Crowd: (Urge the cameraman)  Hurry and bring the camera to Zhong Hua Palace.

22. Will you be able to forgive your partner if she has a change of heart?

Xiao Feng:  Will she even has the chance to have a change of heart?

Xiao Yi:  His eyes have always been bad.

The Author: ………….

23. Whenever the two of you are together, when will your heart skip the fastest?

Xiao Feng:  Skip.

Xiao Yi:  Skip.

The Author:  (Slams hand into table) I have waited so long to ask that question!  Can you not skip?

Xiao Feng:  Why don’t you skip then?

The Author:  I am not a frog!

24. When are you the happiest?

Xiao Feng:  Whenever she is with me.

Xiao Yi:  Whenever I am eating.

Xiao Feng:  (Eyes darken.)  Seems like zhen hasn’t tried enough.  Let’s go back to Zhong Hua Palace and work on our communication, empress.

Xiao Yi:  (Tries to fawn) I will be happy as long as I am with you.

Xiao Feng:  (Sits back down with a satisfied expression)

The Author: (Cover eyes) Can you be lovey dovey somewhere else?

25. Have you two fought?

Xiao Feng:  Is there anything zhen cannot settle?

Xiao Yi:  Your Majesty can settle everything.

The Author:  Daughter, you are too meek.  Let me find a feminist to teach you!

26. When do you feel loved?

Xiao Feng:  When I was injured during an assassination attempt.

Xiao Yi:  Always.

The Author:  Love is indeed a miraculous thing.  Did her love makes you come back to life, Your Majesty?

Xiao Feng:  Cough….. (This is a rare occurrence where he cannot find anything to refute the author with!)

27. Are you the attacking party or the receiving party?

Xiao Feng:  Do you even have to ask that?

Xiao Yi:  I have always been trying to be the attacking party, but I always loses!

The Author:  Daughter, you are so pitiful.

28. Are you satisfied with the current situation?

Xiao Feng:  (Coldly glance at the author wordlessly.)

Xiao Yi:  (Kindly tries to explain.)  The emperor is not happy with your question.

The Author:  (Shivers.)  Please bear with it for a while more, Your Majesty…. We are going to be done soon.

29. When was your first time?

Xiao Feng:  The Eastern Palace.

Xiao Yi: The Great Qi’s Eastern Palace.

Crowd:  We want to see!

The Author:  If any of you is tired of living, go on and spy on them!

30. What did you feel at that time?

Xiao Feng: (Gives a very broad smile.)

Xiao Yi: ….. Let me recall it for a moment….. It was a night of blood and tears.

Xiao Feng:  Don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy it back then?

Xiao Yi:  The one who enjoyed it was you!

The Author:  (Looking very excited.  Things are finally getting merrier.  Jots everything down in a notebook.)

Xiao Feng:  (Affectionately holding Xiao Yi’s hand.  He lowers his head and admits fault.)  Husband was wrong.  I will compensate you later.

Xiao Yi:  (Shivers.  He was already scary without ‘compensating’ anything….  She does not dare to even imagine how she would be after he ‘re-compensate’ her.)

The Author: (Scratches the wall in dejection.  Why aren’t things heating up?)

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31. How was your partner like at that time?

Xiao Feng:  You are not a man, you will not understand.  Besides, you don’t need to understand.

The Author:  (Why am I not a man?  Sob sob)

Xiao Yi:  He was a melancholic lion, inducing other’s sympathy.  Later, I came to realization that he was probably only pretending.

Xiao Feng:  Showcasing melancholy at an appropriate time will help you attract your mate better.

The Author: ……… We are now entering the topic of hunting, completely out of topic for this interview.  Let’s move the interview to another day.

32. The first thing you said after your first night together?

Xiao Feng: …………

Xiao Yi:  When I woke up, he was no longer there.

The Author: Daughter, what is the point of being with a man like that?  Come home with Mother!

Xiao Feng: (Glance at the guards at the door.)

The Author:  Daughter, being able to marry His Majesty was due to the good karma you accumulated in your past life!  Treasure this opportunity!  Stop running back home at every opportunity you get!  Mother will go home now, I will visit you another day!

Xiao Yi:  Why do I have such an unreliable, tricky and fickle mother…

The Author:  Wei Wei Wei, do you even know how to use idioms?  You are so uncouth!  Mom is actually very reliable, though a little crazy….

33. How many times do you do ‘it’ in one week?

Xiao Feng:  Ask the Tong Shi.

Xiao Yi:  I did not count…

The Author:  (Crosses hands.)  There are no officials like that in the palace ever since Your Majesty inherited the throne; I’ve asked.

Xiao Feng:  Then, that is your problem.

The Author:  (Tears.) What a bully.

34. At your best physical condition, how many times a week?

Xiao Feng:  That depends on her physical condition.

Xiao Yi: (Wipes sweat.)  I feel so pressured.

The Author:  That means, as long as your physical condition allows it, you will not get a rest?

35. How did you two usually do it?

Xiao Feng: (Suddenly glance at Xiao Yi in interest) The body of people who practiced martial arts are soft and pliable.  I heard there is a thing called ‘yoga’ that is being practiced by the common people lately.  It is said that even one’s bones will soften and turns pliable.  Perhaps the empress can give it a try.

Xiao Yi: (Looks at the emperor in horror)  I don’t want to practice martial arts anymore.

The Author: (Swallows heavily) What a treat to the imagination.

36. Your most sensitive spot?

Xiao Feng:  What does it have anything to do with you?  Her knowing it should suffice.

The Author: (Embarassed.)  Actually, this is the question all the female viewers asked me to ask.

Xiao Yi:  If it is him…. his sensitive spot is everywhere.

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Xiao Feng: (Discuss about bold topics with wife.) Isn’t your sensitive spot over ‘there’?

Xiao Yi:  (Red face) ‘There’ and ‘there’ and ‘there’ are my sensitive spots.

The Author: Where is there!  So infuriating!

The Two People:  Shut up!

The Crowd: Shut up!  Just let them talk!

The Author: (Tears)  This is an interview place, not their Zhong Hua Palace.

37. Your partner’s most sensitive spot?

Xiao Feng: (Decline to comment.)

Xiao Yi:  What are you doing?

The Author:  Let me sigh for a while, this girl sure is vigilant.  I do not have any ill-intention, I am merely following the request of our female viewers.

The Crowd:  The hell?  According to who?  You are merely fulfilling your own selfish desire.

38. Do you have any kind of wishlist for doing ‘it’ in certain places?

Xiao Feng:  I do, I have been crossing out the list one by one.

Xiao Yi: ……………

The Author: ……………

39. Have you had intercourse with someone who is not your spouse?

Xiao Feng: No.

Xiao Yi: No.

The Author: ………. How boring.

Xiao Feng:  Perhaps zhen should behead you to not make it boring.

The Author:  You two are so blessed and happy.

40. Do you agree or disagree with the ‘even if I don’t get the heart, at least I get xxx’ mindset?

Xiao Feng:  The entire person; body and heart belongs exclusively to me.

The Author:  (Wipes sweat.) Your Majesty, that is not what I was asking….

Xiao Yi:  The emperor already gives you our answer.

The Author:  What a like-minded couple…..

41. If your spouse is assaulted by a thug, what will you do?

Xiao Feng:  If you dare to incorporate that into the plot, zhen will behead you!  No…. zhen will kill you through the death of a thousand cuts!

The Author: ………

Xiao Yi:  He is more likely to assault other people.  Nobody would dare to mess with him.

Xiao Feng:  Wifey, are you doubting my moral?

Xiao Yi:  Of course not!  This is all because of our wretched mother’s stupid question!

Xiao Feng:  (Gives author a furious look.)  Are we done here?  Why don’t you just leave?

The Author:  Dear viewers, I almost lost my life because of you guys.  If anything happens to me, don’t forget to burn me rated novels as offering.

The Crowd:  Tsk, will Yan Wang accept things like that?

The Author:  You bunch of heartless people!  I refuse to do any service for you.  The interview ends here!  (Flings sleeve and leaves.)