Savage Divinity

Adrift in a sea of darkness, Baledagh sought sweet oblivion, a release from this endless misery, but it was denied him. His future bleaker than the surrounding void, he felt it easier to wipe the slate clean and try again in a new life. Somewhere out there in the vast expanse of time and space, Qing-Qing had long since taken her first breath in her next life and he didn’t want to keep her waiting.

Yet for all his prayers and efforts, death escaped him. Mired in endless misery, he found no solace in the sweet dreams of yesterday, the fond memories tainted by guilt and heartache. He’d fallen into the Spectres’ trap, given himself wholly to a life of falsehoods and imitations, leaving them free to run rampant through his body after Brother sacrificed so much to seal them away. If not for the Heavenly Waters, Baledagh would have doomed them both.

He saw so clearly now how his 'life' with Qing-Qing had been nothing more than a self-indulgent fantasy, all his dreams coming true to keep him complacent, yet he still ached to return to his happy, imaginary life. There, he had friends and family, achievements and potential, while here, he meandered through the void, running from reality in search of a lie.

And to think, he’d called Brother weak for indulging in the same when they'd first met.

Nothing but heartache and hardship awaited him should he wake, cursed to be a spectator in his own life. His was an aberrant existence, two minds sharing one body, his presence wholly unnecessary in the grand scheme of things. He had nothing to offer and Brother would be better off without him, such was the harsh truth he'd come to accept. Brother was too kind to say or even think it, but Baledagh knew this now. There were no ancestors guiding his hand, no power hiding deep within, only a stupid boy who brought disaster down on them both.

For Baledagh was Defiled, his soul tainted and diseased, a cancer best eradicated before it spread.

Despite knowing the truth, Brother still hoped for Baledagh’s recovery. Though his 'body' lay in the void, eyes closed and unresponsive, his mind watched over from above as Brother appeared in the void. With a melancholy sigh, Brother set to work filling the emptiness with colour and comforts. A bed appeared beneath Baledagh’s body, with a thick quilt to cover him. Flowers in a vase sat on the nightstand beside his bed, emitting the soothing fragrance of medicinal herbs. A floor stretched out beneath them and four walls and a roof sprung into place. Light entered the newly formed room from the four massive windows, stretching from wall to wall and offering a scenic view overlooking the village. The bear cubs and wildcats popped into existence, snuggled against Baledagh's body in apparent sleep. 

Drained by his efforts, Brother climbed into bed beside Baledagh and stared up at the ‘roof’ in silence. He did the same thing every time he came, an exercise in futility since the surroundings would all disappear the moment Brother left the void. Lying shoulder to shoulder, their differences seemed all the more apparent. Though they shared the same features, their posture and expression made a world of difference. Brother looked older and wiser, surrounded by an aura of serene calm as he laid on the bed, both relaxed and ready, like a lion sleeping in the woods. In contrast, Baledagh’s ‘body’ seemed on edge, rigid and wary, a scared kitten looking to lash out at even the hint of danger.

Sighing once more, Brother closed his eyes and spoke, chatting with Baledagh’s unresponsive form. “Hey little brother. Hope you’re doing well. I don’t know if you can hear me, but you take all the time you need to rest and recuperate, I’ll hold down the fort until you’re better. I’m here for you, so don’t you worry about a thing. Everything’s gonna be all right, I promise. You just need to come back when you're ready. Anyway, today was a long day. I met an Ancestral Beast, Jorani's dad, if you can believe it. Honestly, it was kinda disappointing. I thought Ancestral Beasts would be much scarier...”

Just like that, all of Baledagh’s sins were forgiven and brushed aside, without mentioning them even once. Why? Knowing he was Defiled, Brother still treated him so well. They’d both be better off if he died, yet Brother continued to help and comfort him, showing nothing but empathy and understanding without a hint of anger or complaint. It wasn’t the blanket warming him, but his brother’s familial love and affection, something Baledagh didn’t deserve yet received all the same.

Trying his best to put it out of mind, Baledagh tried to ignore Brother's rambling to no avail. “... named the fat one Roc. He’s adorable, but a total jerk. The plan is to use Roc to train Aura while our body heals, learn the limits and effects without working too hard. We are bone thin, and with the possibility of a siege looming in the near future, I'm trying not to eat too much. Anyway, I totally want to pet Roc, he looks so soft and poofy, like a cloud with talons and a beak. Too bad he won’t get any bigger, how awesome would it be to ride a bird? Soaring through the sky with the wind in our hair, looking down on the vast green forests...” Trailing off mid sentence, Brother fell asleep and disappeared, taking all the comforts with him and leaving Baledagh alone in the void once more.

Ignoring the feelings of loss and abandonment, he convinced himself it was better this way. In a few weeks, Brother would give up and stop coming and allow Baledagh to fade away into obscurity. This was for the best. Falling Rain didn’t need Baledagh dragging him down.

A day passed and Brother returned. After crafting the room once more, he laid beside Baledagh in silence for a few minutes before speaking. “I spent all day brainstorming with Diyako and his people, coming up with ideas and solutions in case I have to... you know.” Drawing a finger across his throat, Brother shuddered and shut his eyes. Too soft, Baledagh agreed with Lin, it was best to hang them all and move on. Just like he should let Baledagh go, but Brother would never agree to it, not unless he had to. This was for the best.

Resisting the urge to open his eyes and speak harsh truth, Baledagh hid away and listened as Brother rambled on. “I can see where Dastan get his low opinion of nobles from. A real conspiracy theorist, Diyako thinks the aristocracy are working together to keep ranged weapons from becoming mainstream. The weird thing is, it makes a twisted sort of sense. I mean, I work hard to learn how to fight, so it’d suck to die from a stray arrow, but I doubt anyone’s actively suppressing technological advancement. The aristocracy can barely keep themselves from tearing each other apart, so I doubt they’d work together on this. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. No one bothers with ranged weapons because it’s limited in scope. You can’t kill a Demon with a bow, so why waste the effort? Idiots.” Waving his hand, Brother shook his head and sighed. “Well, I suppose I’ll learn the truth soon enough. They’re working on a new and improved crossbow, and once it’s ready, I’ll make the plans available to everyone for free. I'm hoping it catches on, because I’d imagine a city wall brimming with crossbow-wielding peasants would make the Shrike’s replacement think twice about Purging Sanshu. Fuck the Empire, they can eat a giant bag of dicks.”

Baledagh marked the days with Brother’s appearances, visiting every night for a chat. “That fucking bird,” he began, jumping onto the bed. “The fat feathered bastard pecked Aurie. If it scars, I swear I’ll turn that smug crow-bait into soup.” After fuming for a while, he giggled. “Ah you should've seen it. Aurie was sitting there for hours, tapping at the cage bars. I think he wanted to make new friends, it was so adorable. Anyway, fed up with the noise, Roc flies right up to Aurie, brave as can be, all puffed up and squawking. Aurie, the sweet idiot, presses his nose in for a sniff and Bam! Bleeding cat.” Laughing, Brother made Aurie’s double reenact the scene, the wildcat leaping away with a yowl and a woeful look upon his face. “I swear, he must have jumped three meters high and five meters back, so crazy. Startled the bears so bad they zoomed around the field for a few minutes, running for their lives. The kids loved it, laughing and clapping from the balconies...” Brother’s voice grew strained before changing the topic, babbling of nothing until he fell asleep.

“Good news,” Brother announced, speaking before he’d even begun to put the room in place. “We received word from the Bridge! They held! Can you believe it? They did it! Oh, I wish you could have seen it, the celebrations were incredible. Huushal and the others arrived just in time too, with music and dancing in the streets, everyone cheering for Baatar and Akanai. The food was delicious, especially since all the funerals are done with and there’s no more smoke and incense hanging in the air. It’s nice to finally be appreciated, even if by proxy. I still get a lot of dirty looks, but to be fair, I think it's because I've got Dastan and his retinue around all the time. Almost got in a fight with a crowd who kept pelting my guards with dirt. At least I hope it was dirt...”

“Jorani came back with all our ill-gotten gains. It's crazy how much we profited from our little scheme, I gave away more than half but we’re still pretty rich, especially after Yuzhen refuse to take a share. Ethics and whatnot, but whatever, I’ll give Gerel something for the dowry. Or betrothal gift, I’m still not sure how things work. Speaking of betrothal gifts, I took some gemstones and found a jeweller who's willing to work with stolen merchandise, so yea. Didn't feel right to give stolen jewelry as betrothal gifts, but I'm having new jewelry made so it shouldn't matter. I should find souvenirs for the others too... Do you think I should send something to Yan? I know what I said before she left, but it’s been awhile, so I’m sure a letter wouldn’t hurt. Friends send letters, right? I don’t know where she lives though, or the going rate for delivery. I’ll ask.”

“Baatar finally got our report and sent orders back. No real details but he told us to sit tight and wait for further instructions. I’m worried though, if you read between the lines, he’s telling us to prepare for a siege, which means he thinks the Defiled might still break through. I hope everyone’s okay up there... It’s crazy the stronger we get, the more I realize how high the sky truly is. Mila says Baatar would have squashed Yo Ling like a bug, and even allowing for hyperbole, it shows how far we have to go. No worries though, our body is healing well, so once you’re ready, we can put more effort into our training little brother. Me and you, we’ll reach the apex together, I know it.”

“Went over the ledgers with Rustram today, and sorry to say, but we’re not as wealthy as I'd once believed. After setting aside enough for the new pension fund, we’re still comfortably wealthy but not you know, ‘Fuck You’ wealthy. It’s not a huge problem, but I was hoping there’d be enough to fund a few orphanages and put out standing purchase orders on child slaves. You know, something to keep them from going through what we went through at the mines. I’m not sure how much you remember, but a fun time, it was not... Whatever, maybe my brain trust will come up with something marketable.”

“I made an amazing discovery today: our cats love headbutts. Found out while checking Aurie’s injury. Leaned over for a look, booped him for a giggle, and he literally melted. Tried it on Jimjam and he gave me a hug. I thought he hated snuggling. Quins on the other hand, do not like headbutts, so take note. The bears don’t seem to mind either way, and I’m not confident enough to try on Roc, not without a full-faced runic helm. That beak is sharp. I was gonna try on Mila, but thought better of it.”

“Lin and Mila love their new jewellery, big hugs and smiles all around. Weird though, they were furious I didn’t give something to Li Song. Luckily I had an emerald studded comb in my pocket, so now I need to find another gift for Alsantset. The catgirl didn’t even smile, just nodded and pocketed the comb. I don't mind, but why did I have to give her a gift too? I’m 100% sure they don’t expect me to marry Li Song, but somehow, I’m supposed to treat her the same way I treat Mila, minus all the hugging and kissing and you know... general affection of any sort. Maybe it’s a sister of the bride thing? I dunno.”

“Did you know there’s an entire religion of dudes who believe our existence is a punishment? They’re called the Penitent Brotherhood, and they just sit around all day, whipping themselves bloody. No women allowed, probably because that would make the whipping too sexy or something. Anyway, they sent a letter inviting us to join the brotherhood. Apparently, they’re big fans of ours, and even gave us a monk name, SanDukkha, which means ‘Perpetual Suffering’. They seem like fun guys, but tempting as the offer was, they’re also vegetarians, so I politely declined. Yuck.”

“Remember how I told you the Magistrate let me into the library? Well holy shit, there’s a lot of stuff in there. Mostly old histories and ledgers, but I’ve been doing a lot of theological reading. It’s 99% religious legends and superstitions, but hopefully, I’ll find something that can er... explain or fix our current situation. Don’t worry little brother, I won’t give up, so neither should you. It’s all under control with Blobby around, so you don’t have to worry. No spectres are getting in here, you're clean. I know you’re a good person, and hopefully someday, we’ll sit side by side in the real world. Well, not exactly like this. As great as you are at listening, there’s something to be said for actual conversation. No rush though, take your time.”

Rubbing his eyes, Brother sighed once more before falling into quiet thought. He’d been sighing often of late, only speaking of happy events while keeping his troubles to himself, beside himself with worries for slaves and strangers, family and friends. Though he believed Baledagh unconscious and unaware, Brother hid his anxiety, visiting every day and painting a happy picture in hopes Baledagh would return. It didn’t make sense, why did Brother care so much? He should be ecstatic Baledagh was gone, he’d been nothing but a nuisance since awakening the first time. Time and time again, he'd gotten them into trouble with his headstrong ways, leaving a giant mess behind for Brother to clean up, and now, he’d been relieved of his burden named Baledagh, free to live life as the Undying Falling Rain.

Brother faded away and Baledagh waited for his return, but this time, there was no good news to be had. After laying in bed for a few minutes, as he always did, Brother covered his face and sighed. “Orders from Baatar arrived just before dinner. It’s been two weeks since the Defiled retreated and there’s been no sign of them since, so we’re leaving Sanshu in the morning. We’re going home. It’s gonna be a long journey, since we don’t have enough quins or horses, and I want to stop in at the Butcher Bay hideout. Jester Wang reckons there’ll be plenty of treasure still around, and it should be safe enough. Problem is, I'm out of time. I haven’t come up with any ideas on how to save Diyako and the others, which means come morning, I have to order the deaths of innocent civilians. Of children.”

With those ominous words, Brother fell silent, fighting to keep from crying. Wracked with shame and remorse, Baledagh considered his options. He’d long surmised that Brother hoped Baledagh would wake in time to inspect the civilians for Defiled, but he wanted nothing to do with this life, with this world. Aside from Brother, there was nothing left here for him, with only Brother’s daily visits to keep him from vanishing into the void. No matter how much he wanted to leave, every time Brother appeared, Baledagh couldn’t tear himself away, returning to listen to his every word.

He couldn’t do it. How could he abandon his brother, when Rain wouldn’t abandon him? Even knowing Baledagh was Defiled and needing his help, Brother didn’t rush or plead with him, giving him time to recover on his own. What sort of brother would Baledagh be if he left now, knowing he could help? No matter how necessary, ordering the deaths of children and innocents would destroy Brother, perhaps even unbalance him. Maybe not immediately, but he would hold it close for years, never speaking of his pain or suffering until it was too late. For all his modesty, Brother had his pride, always shouldering burdens on his own and seeking answers without help. He could have given the unbound commoners to someone, or asked Gerel to decide, could have taken a multitude of easier paths, but he didn’t. Brother wanted to save these strangers and was willing to pay any price so long as it didn’t impact his family. That’s simply who he was, a kindhearted, compassionate fool who dreamed of saving everyone.

Qing Qing would have to wait, but she'd understand.

The world shifted as Baledagh opened his eyes to stare up at the ceiling, smiling at the various carved depictions of heroism and glory. No wonder he always stopped and stared, so it was to carve this. The scene wasn’t to Brother’s taste, he’d rather look at animals or women, no, this was done for Baledagh. A small thing, but the sight warmed him more than words ever could. Perhaps he wanted Baledagh to gaze upon something inspiring upon waking, or maybe it was merely a passing fancy, this tiny, almost insignificant detail showed how much Rain cared.

Baledagh had been a terrible brother, he knew this now. Since awakening, he’d known feelings of jealousy and resentment, hoping to one day overthrow Brother and take his place as Falling Rain, but no more. Brother was Falling Rain, and Baledagh was Baledagh. Perhaps someday, they would walk side by side in the real world, but if not, then such was life.

“Sorry Brother,” he said, sitting up and shocking Rain from his stupor. “I’m awake now.”

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry about, little brother,” Rain replied with a smile on his face. “Welcome back.”

Chapter Meme