Savage Divinity

No one ever mentions the inconvenience of carrying a pole-arm around. You can’t just lay it down whenever you feel like because someone might trip over it, and you can’t put it aside because if a weapon is out of reach when shit goes down, then it’s utterly useless. Keep in mind, here, in this world, shit is always about to go down, which means you want your weapons close to hand at all times. Another thing I never realized is how tiring it’d be lugging this twenty kilogram monstrosity of a weapon around. It’s not the heaviest pole-arm I’ve seen, but I’m not exactly buffy mc bufferson either, and after a few short hours of keeping it close, my forearms are screaming at the strain.

Then there’s the mental stress which comes from worrying if I’m going to accidentally impale or garrote someone by moving too quickly, which means checking and double checking my surroundings whenever I want to sit or stretch, or thanking the Mother no one was hurt when I forget to. I’ve only had Unity for a few hours but I’ve already had a couple close calls, mostly with my oh-so-adorable fur babies and most recently with Blackjack. When not cuddling with Mama Bun, the little cloud chaser hare loves having a bird’s eye view, so the first thing Blackjack did this morning was crawl up my shirt and hop onto Unity’s cross-guard to lord over the surroundings. Adorable and harmless I thought, until I forgot Blackjack was up there and decided to give my new weapon a flashy twirl. Needless to say, the little black hare is very upset about the impromptu flying lesson and glaring at me from his (or her, still can’t tell) perch atop Ping Ping’s head. Okay, maybe not glaring since bunnies and hares always look adorably angry, but the point still stands.

Glancing around to make sure no one is watching, I lean over and give Aurie a vigorous head scratching, my heart melting at his sweet kitty smile. Nothing wrong here, just a perfectly masculine and heroic young man bonding with his ferocious battle cat. Who’s my furocious little battle kitty? You are Aurie, yes you are. Sitting lazily in the grass, Aurie leans against my hip and rumbles in delight while Jimjam sulks at the side. Somehow, I think he sees himself as a consummate predator and finds immense self satisfaction from ‘hunting’ his own meals. Not letting him steal a bite has injured his pride but my grouchiest of floofs needs to learn boundaries.

Don’t kneel and hug him. Just don’t. That’s a gateway cuddle and next thing you know you’ll be covered in floofs and giggling like a schoolgirl. Jimjam is playing you, he knows his whole surly brooding shtick never fails to earn him a boop and a treat. Stay strong and don’t give in. No matter how fluffy and adorable your fur babies are, you cannot hug and kiss them in public like you used to. You have an image to maintain, because when image does not match reputation, people tend to believe what they see over what they hear. No more public displays of floof affection. That was the old Falling Rain. Today, you’ll show the Empire the new and improved Falling Rain, with 50% fewer voices in his head.

My heart pangs with grief and I remind myself it’s too soon for those sort of jokes. It’s one thing to say Baledagh is still here with me and another to actually believe it. With my two betrothed having absconded back to bed, I’d normally go cuddle with my fur-babies to cheer up, but new me has to settle for a friendly pat. Maintaining my public image is the worst, but there’s too much riding on it to behave otherwise. Everyone’s been telling me this for years to stop being so weird and if Bulat’s ridiculously expensive bar-crawl taught me anything, it’s that rumours spread like wildfire and proof is irrelevant. All it takes is for one drunk hillbilly to make an off-colour joke and by the next morning, the whole Empire will think I’m some sort of bear-shagging pervert or worse. Seriously, it’s scary how easily Bulat convinced all of Nan Ping the shark attack was a deliberate attack. Apparently, while I was busy Awakening in the water, the city turned into a powder keg of unrest and animosity, a stone’s throw away from open conflict between nobles and commoners.

All over little old me. It’s flattering really.

The nobles have no one to blame but themselves for all the underlying hostility. I doubt the commoners would have flocked to my cause so readily if the nobles behaved like decent human beings and treated everyone with respect and dignity. I like to believe people are inherently good, but the more I see of the world, the harder it gets to maintain that belief. Since his outing into Nan Ping, Bulat’s new drinking buddies/unsuspecting informants have provided a steady stream of news regarding scandals and gossip, some of which makes my skin crawl. Profiteering, exploitation, and blackmail are only the tip of the iceberg and things get worse from there.

Honestly, it’s a miracle the commoners haven’t burned Nan Ping to the ground in a fit of righteous fury.

Martial Warriors only make up 1% of the population, so if commoners stand together, I’m not sure there’s much the nobles could do. Slaughter the leaders and force the rest to work I guess, but in a world of swords and arrows, force multipliers are few and far between. What’s more, it’s not like Martial Warrior’s can be alert every second of every day. You only need one torch to set fire to a granary or one stone to start an avalanche. I wouldn’t mind holding that torch either, something needs to change. After all the raised tempers and exposed secrets, in the end, nothing happened. The only thing we accomplished was outing the Legate as an unreliable supporter, which wasn’t exactly surprising. I suppose it also quashed all the nasty talk about how I went swimming with a scarf wrapped around my crotch, which I supposed makes it worth the astronomical price tag. I’d be happier if I knew who tried to have me killed via shark-pack, but at least whoever it was hasn’t made a second attempt.

Yet.

With Peace on my hip, Tranquility hanging from my shoulder, Unity in my grasp, and a helmet (stuffed with what I think is modified Demon Ichor) under my arm, I stand bare-chested in my swimming trunks on the shores of Nan Ping Bay. The deceptively calm surface is aglow in the morning light, the rising sun casting an orange-red hue across the crystal clear waters. The beauty is lost on me as I hunt for hidden dangers and crafty vegetables, praying my mobile plant theory holds water and I’m not barking up the wrong tree. I told Akanai, Mila, Taduk, and Guard Leader my suspicions and none of them outright laughed, but they didn’t exactly look confident either.

Okay, so I’m grasping at straws here, but what else am I supposed to do? I know Ping Ping can sense Blobby because that’s how she found me in the first place, but she doesn’t seem to care I’ve lost it and still refuses to leave my side. It’s entirely possible Blobby just got sick of listening to me talk to myself and left, but I can’t give up and move on. Without Blobby’s purification powers, using my Talent (sigh) to suck up Spectres is a one-way ticket back to crazy town, not to mention the lack of sweet, delicious, usable Heavenly Energy, which may or may not be Blobby’s excrement. As much as I like unlocking new combos and free power ups, it’s not worth dealing with all the murderous, unchecked rage which means I need Blobby back if I want to become stronger in a reasonable time frame.

With the Defiled knocking on our doorstep, I doubt we have two years, much less ten. All hell is about to break loose but the Legate is more interested in keeping the people calm with fake news and a public spectacle with the whole dog and pony show of a Conference. We should be building walls and shoring up our defences but instead we’re all sitting around with our thumbs up our asses and waiting for the Legate to call our names so we can prove our fealty to the Empire with a nice fancy gift.

Honestly, I have no idea how the Empire survived for so long.

“Rain my boy,” Taduk says as he gestures at Guard Leader waving us over. “All is ready. Come, come, we only have a handful of hours before the Conference begins so time is wasting.”

It’s adorable seeing my rabbit-hating teacher cradling the sleeping Mama Bun in his arms like his furry little baby, so protective of his precious Spiritual Plant locating device. Taduk still likes to grumble and call her names, but I’ve seen him talking to and petting the bunnies when he thinks no one’s watching, and I know his pockets are filled with dandelion leaves and wild berries which are Mama Bun’s favourite treats. Smiling at my Teacher, I take a deep breath and say, “Well, time to find out if I’m right or not. Mobile plants, it’s almost too crazy to believe.”

“Nonsense.” Absently rocking Mama Bun side to side as we make our way to the skiff, Taduk holds his head up high in confidence. “Your logic is sound. The Spiritual Plant must be on the water’s surface in order for this flea-bag to scent it, and assuming she isn’t as dumb as the rest of her kin, there’s no other explanation for why she can’t lead us directly to it.” Picking up his pace, he adds, “A mobile plant capable of absorbing the Energy of the Heavens, I have so many questions I can hardly think straight. How does it move? Does it possess intelligence? Can a plant eventually form a human body like beasts do? What if this isn’t an isolated incident and Spiritual Plants across the Empire can uproot themselves to escape from predators? That alone makes this little floppy-ear glutton and her welps all the more valuable, the only tamed bicorn rabbits in existence. Don’t you dare give any of them away boy, and start looking for another powerful bicorn rabbit to mate her with. Think of the possibilities...”

...It’s possible I’ve misread my teacher. Maybe Taduk doesn’t like Mama Bun at all, but likes how she can pump out a veritable horde of babies who can help sate his curiosity about Spiritual Plants.

Collecting Blackjack before we board the skiff with Guard Leader, Guan Suo and the monk join us without a word, just like they intruded on my nice, family breakfast along with the old half-wolf geezer. Cradling Unity against my shoulder, we set out into the bay with Ping Ping gliding alongside us. The quins stayed on shore today since Akanai didn’t want to meet the Legate smelling like wet fur, so Ping Ping is riding solo for the first time ever in Nan Ping Bay. Undeterred by the lack of furry friends to play with, the giant turtle amuses herself by swimming circles and doing barrel rolls around the boat while Mama Bun hangs over the ship’s prow and points her nose towards our quarry.

Scampering in the air above us, Taduk keeps vigil on our surroundings from up high and coordinates with the Sentinels stationed on shore, all ready and watching the aquatic vegetation for signs of movement. Every time Mama Bun faces a new direction, my heart skips a beat and I look up at Taduk, hoping to see his face light up with joy. Instead, each time we correct our course, I only see Taduk’s optimism waning at our lack of success and feel my stomach drop in impending dread. Considering the Azure Ascendant GangShu was so eager to get his hands on it, I’m pretty sure I’ve only scratched the surface of Blobby’s uses. The monk said Talents are usually unique, so GangShu probably didn’t need Blobby for Spectre purification purposes, but no one I’ve asked will tell me what Blobby is supposed to do.

Aside from teaching me Aura and eating Demon Ichor, apparently not much. I expected more from what’s supposed to be a veritable font of Heavenly Energy...

After thirty minutes of rowing around, Mama Bun finally gives up and comes down from the side, signalling an early end to today’s chase. Circling around the bottom of the skiff, she thumps her feet and claws the wood in anger, as if blaming the boat for her failure. Adorable as her grunt-filled temper tantrums are, I sympathize with her mounting frustrations. We’ve been at this for a week now and we still have nothing to show for it, drifting in yet another part of the bay we’ve never been in. There’s no rhyme or reason to the routes we’ve taken, each day heading in a new direction and wind up moving in a new pattern.

It just doesn’t make sense. How is this plant making its escape without being noticed?

Carefully putting Unity down, I head to the front of the skiff and comfort poor Mama Bun. “It’s okay sweet bunbun,” I whisper, using Aura to convey my love as she bats at the skiff floor and sides. “We’ll get it eventually.” Placing my arm in front of her so she can jump into my embrace, Mama Bun shoves it away with a headbutt and goes back to scratching at the skiff, still yet to vent her anger in its entirety. After watching her go at it for several minutes more, I stroke her floppy ears and pat her head goodbye.

Having descended from his aerial vantage point, Taduk smiles and thumps my shoulder. “Perhaps she’ll pick up the scent again,” he says, putting Blackjack down to join her. “Nothing to worry about Rain my boy, things will work out in the end. If we can’t find what you’ve lost, then you’ll just have to do things the good old-fashioned way, yea? Go on now, off with you, go make sure your turtle is nice and fed.”

“Yes Teacher.” How does one find Spiritual Plants the old fashioned way? Putting the question aside for after I get back, I grab Unity and step into the water, sinking faster than expected with the extra twenty-kilogram weight. Ready and waiting for my arrival, Ping Ping squeaks in joy as I paddle over to meet her. She’s a real sweetheart, always keeping a good distance from the skiff. She’s probably worried about overturning it or something, which means she’s more courteous and considerate than probably 90% of nobles in the Empire.

Having recently discovered how annoying carrying something around can be, I elect to climb onto Ping Ping’s shell instead of letting her hold me in her arm. Glancing back to check if I’m ready, Ping Ping dives down with unbridled glee, hurtling through the water so fast I almost lose my grip. Reaching the bottom in an instant, the giant turtle waves her legs to disturb the sandy sea floor and snaps up a hidden creature, a large, burrowed fish of some sort. Bringing it back to the surface, she gobbles up her meal in dainty little chomps, taking her time to relish the taste as I laugh on her shell. There’s nothing like catching a ride through the bay on Ping Ping, feeling the surge of water rushing past your face and the pressure building up in your ears as thousands of kilograms of water crushes you in its embrace, and then... she surfaces and you’re free of it all, gulping down lungfuls of air as the warm sun shines on your skin, giddy with relief and euphoria.

It’s almost enough to make me forget my problems. Almost.

After a few more trips to the bay floor, it becomes apparent Ping Ping is just having fun, her belly full and mood playful as she shows me her undersea world. Saddened to put an end to her fun, I pat her neck and point at the skiff, indicating it’s time to head back. Spiralling around in protest, she heads for the boat at a slow, underwater glide, moping like a child as play time comes to an end. Using Aura to console her, I mentally make note to bring her out more in the days to come, because she deserves to have fun too. It can’t be easy lugging around all that weight on land, and I bet she feels three times lighter in the water.

Immersed in my thoughts as we drift towards the skiff from below, a small flash of movement catches my eye. It’s so minor I almost miss it, but as Ping Ping meanders closer and closer, the movements become more pronounced. It’s as if a piece of the boat was fluid and slowly oozing away as we approach, trying to keep the bulk of the boat between us. Curiosity piqued, I use Ping Ping as a springboard and swim over to the fluid patch, keeping a respectable distance between us. The patch stills and blends into the skiff’s siding, so well hidden I’m almost certain it’ll disappear if I even blink. Using the butte of my new weapon, I give the strange patch a gentle poke -

-And almost shit myself when it comes to life in spray of darkness and tentacles.

Racing for the surface, I sputter and gasp while lifting whatever attacked me into the air, almost gutting myself on the sharp blade tip. Blinking the water out of my eyes, I identify my attacker as a brown, spotted tentacled-miscreation about the size of a pumpkin, all soft and gooey as it attempts to rip my weapon apart. Luckily, Unity has been bound and is almost indestructible, but even if it weren’t, this pint-sized octopus poses no threat. Drawn by my flailing movements, Ping Ping circles around the skiff to see if I’m okay, her eyes fixating on the creature stuck to the end of my weapon. Opening her mouth, she fires out a ball of water and stuns the beast unconscious with a single shot. Dropping with a splash, the creature floats in place, rendered motionless and defenceless by Ping Ping’s might.

Inwardly shuddering at the ugly, tentacled horror, I prod it a few more times before I’m certain it won’t attack. Might as well give it to Ping Ping for a snack. “Wait,” Taduk yells, leaning dangerously over the side of the skiff to inspect the octopus. “Give it here.”

Following his gestures, I see Mama Bun struggling to get out of Guard Leader’s embrace, eagerly eyeing the floating octopus. “Uhh... Teacher, this isn’t a mobile plant, it’s an octopus...”

“Don’t be silly, I know it’s not a plant. Bring it up here so I can take a look,” Taduk says, reaching his grabby hands like a child for a toy.

Reluctant to touch the gross, slimy creature, I swallow my revulsion and lift it out of the water, warning my teacher to be careful. “I don’t think it’s dead yet, but if we keep it out of water long enough, it will be soon enough.”

With a non-committal grunt, Taduk drags the octopus into the skiff and Mama Bun explodes into a flurry of motion. Slipping out of Guard Leader’s grasp, the long-eared floof tackles the poor unconscious octopus and dives into the tangle of tentacles to root about for her long awaited prize. Much to her dismay, Taduk is one step ahead of her and fishes out a fuzzy green stone a little larger than his fist and holds it up high with a rousing cry of victory. Unwilling to capitulate, Mama Bun leaps into the air after it, her silky white fur stained in black ink and slime while her teeth chomp with unrestrained hunger.

Ewie... she’s gonna stink like octopus for days...

Chapter Meme