Savage Divinity

The light tap-tap is not a knock I’d expect from a Death Corps soldier, so it’s no surprise to find Lin’s glowing smile waiting on the other side, still uplifting even when viewed through a crack in the door. “Hi hubby,” she exclaims, displaying the box in her dainty hands as she tries to peer around me and into my yurt. “I brought shrimp, so lemme in ya?” Leaning close, she whispers, “I wanna see the turtle please.”

Double checking to see Pong Pong still asleep in Mama Bun’s embrace, I hold a finger to my lips for silence and step aside just enough for my sweet wifey to slip in, intent on closing the door behind her the moment she’s through. Peering out one last time to make sure no one is watching, a hand appears out of thin air just in time to stop me from planting my face in Guard Leader’s moderate, yet inviting bosom. With a one handed grip, Guard Leader lifts me off the ground with ease and plants me back down at arm’s length before stepping into my yurt with a huff, as if it’s somehow my fault I didn’t see her hiding there.

It’s always disorienting when an Expert materializes out of nowhere. One second, you’re staring at nothing and the next, you’ve almost caught a face full of boob. Rubbing the future bruises left by her vice-like grip, my cheeks burn as I reflect on the past few seconds, because my brain tells me Guard Leader didn’t step out of the shadows or move faster than my eyes could register. According to my memories, the mysterious Expert was standing in plain view the entire time. I opened the door, saw Lin’s smile, scanned the surroundings without noticing my view was blocked by Guard Leader, and told myself the coast was clear without ever registering the veiled Expert’s presence. Even I’m not suicidal enough to motor boat Guard Leader against her will, so there must be a trick to it. Thinking out loud, I mutter, “It’s not invisibility, is it? You’re still visible, but somehow, you made me overlook your presence...”

Interrupting my introspection with a haughty sniff, Guard Leader chides, “If you’ve puzzled it out, then you know to be more careful from now on.” Rudely grabbing hold of Lin, Guard Leader pulls my wifey behind her and turns her ire to a different target. “So, this is the creature who attacked us.”

Following her line of sight, I find Pong Pong on the ground and ready to fight, his legs braced and mouth open in a mirror image of Ping Ping’s siege-mode. It’d almost be adorable if I didn’t know how much damage he can cause, so I quickly step in before the situation escalates. “It’s okay Pong Pong,” I whisper, keeping my voice light and happy. “There’s nothing to be afraid of, she won’t hurt you.” I hope. Without turning away from the angry turtle, I motion for Guard Leader to back down and pray she follows through. “You wanted shrimp right? Look what Lin brought.”

Thankfully, Pong Pong is intelligent enough to recognize the word and he raises his head in interest. A few minutes later, the three of us sit around my table and watch the little turtle enjoy his meal while the bun buns settle around us. It’s kind of petty, but it annoys me seeing how much the bun buns love Guard Leader, happy to flop at her feet and hop into her lap even though she rarely ever interacts with them. I worked hard to earn their trust, feeding, brushing, and cuddling them for many days before they felt safe in my presence, but not her. She never pets or plays with them, but they love her as much as they love me and it’s infuriating.

Et Tu Fluffy Bunnykins? You furry little long-eared traitor, how dare you burrow into her lap instead of mine?!

Kneeling behind me due to Guard Leader’s stubborn insistence, Lin peers over my shoulder at Pong Pong and giggles in girlish delight while cuddling the sleeping Mama Bun. “He’s so pretty hubby,” she says with a wistful sigh. “Do you think Pong Pong will let me pet him?”

“Best if you stayed far away, girl.” Sitting closer than I’d like, Guard Leader sips her tea before continuing. “Pretty it may be, but it’s still a dangerous wild creature, one more powerful than you can imagine. The only reason it’s so docile is because it’s exhausted and your fool of a betrothed promised it safety and comfort, promises he lacks the ability to keep. Hard to say how it will react when it learns the truth, but I for one refuse to endure its wrath.”

“I know, but still...” Puffing her cheeks, Lin grumbles, “What a mean old rat, hunting poor Pong Pong for weeks without rest so he can steal the Heavenly Water. I’m glad Daddy ruined their stupid boat, now those stupid Ascendants can’t hide their presence and harass the sweet little turtle without repercussions. If they try it again, Pong Pong will smash the silly rat to pieces, won’t you?”

Heart leaping in my chest, I gently admonish my sweet wifey, even though it breaks my heart to do so. “You should never talk about it, even in private. We’re safe now with your guard sitting beside us, but in different circumstances, a slip of the tongue could land us all in hot water.” Especially me.

Gnawing on my shoulder with an adorable growl, Lin crinkles her nose and pouts. “Meanie Rainy. Don’t look down on Lin-Lin, I know how to keep secrets, ya?”

Yea right. Mischievous as she is, my sweet wifey is an innocent and naive soul, ignorant to the harsh realities of the world, but it’s a part of her charm. “I know and I don’t mean to nag, but better safe than sorry. We can’t let anyone find out who or what Pong Pong really is, because doing so would invite disaster.” Honestly, I’m not sure why Taduk told Lin in the first place, we would’ve been better off letting her think he was just a normal turtle, but it’s too late now. Leaning back to give her a peck on the cheek, I add, “Your guard’s not wrong either, Pong Pong is ridiculously strong. You should see his Natal Palace, it’s enormous.”

Elbowing me sharply, Guard Leader asks, “You saw the creature’s Natal Palace? How?”

Dammit. And here i was just warning Lin about slips of the tongue. “Er... well... it’s a long story.”

Unsure how much Guard Leader or Lin knows, I explain the most obscure and confusing of my abilities. Lin nods along like she already knows, but Guard Leader recoils away once she learns the gist. “You are never to use this ability on myself,” she warns, her voice leaving no doubt what would happen if I did.

“Wouldn’t even if I could. It’s suicidal, I’m at the mercy of whoever owns the Natal Palace and easily destroyed with an errant thought. I don’t exactly understand the mechanics, but I’m in no rush to find out what happens if my Spiritual Body dies.” Gesturing at the gorging turtle, I add, “I’m not even sure why it happened. I’ve tried going into other people’s Natal Palaces before, but I’ve never done it on purpose, and it’s only happened a handful of times.” Dagen, Bei, then Yo Ling, and now Pong Pong, I’m not seeing a pattern. The first three were tied together by being Demon-adjacent, but now, with Pong Pong in the mix, this is no longer true. “Ah, no, stop!”

Startled by my yell, Pong Pong narrows his eyes in suspicion as he floats next to his food, his meal not even half-finished but already making his pooping face. Steeling my nerves, I gently pluck him out of the food box and place him in a nearby pan, already filled with water for just this purpose. “You’re a Divine Beast, don’t shit where you eat.”

Ignoring Lin-Lin’s giggles, I gently coax the turtle to relax with a terrible, made up pooping song and eventually he does his thing. Once finished, I lavish him with praise and offer a reward of dried fruit which he greedily devours with a smile. After making sure I have no more sweets, he scurries back to the food box and leaps in with a squeak of delight, paddling around the clean water as he devours yet another shrimp.

“He’s so fast and agile, hubby!”

“Strong too.” Strangely proud of his accomplishments, I brag, “Like I was saying, Pong Pong’s Natal Palace is so immense, I was like a grain of sand inside it, so tiny and insignificant I couldn’t even comprehend its grandeur until he shared it with me. It’s so beautiful and pristine, a perfect little underwater world full of vibrant colours and stunning constructs.”

“It’s his own little domain, ya?”

Ignoring Guard Leader’s huff, I twist around and pull Lin into my lap, though still remember to keep myself between her and Pong Pong. Guard Leader’s not the only one worried about Pong Pong’s temper, the little guy can be mean when he wants to. “Yes it was, and there he sat at the centre of it all, napping atop his very own coral throne. I should craft myself a Natal Throne too, assuming I figure out how to make things stick around.”

Her delight fading, Lin crooks her head in concern. “You’re having troubles with your Natal Palace? Isn’t that bad?”

Wow, twice in a row now. I blame exhaustion. “It’s no big deal,” I lie, smiling at Mama Bun’s sleeping face. “I err... I wanted to remodel my Natal Palace, but ran into a few minor snags after demolishing most of it. Live and learn, I suppose.”

“You demolished your Natal Palace?” Once again interrupting my alone time with Lin, Guard Leader’s tone is one of disbelief. “Why would you do something so foolish??”

Because depression, okay? Ignoring Guard Leader’s incredulity, I hug Lin close and watch Pong Pong eat. Sensing my need for comfort, Lin snuggles into the crook of my shoulder and waits, neither pestering me with questions or pressing me for answers. Minutes pass in easy silence and soon Pong Pong finishes his meal with gusto. After shooting me a glance, he makes his way over to the pan without prompting and does his business a second time, and is once again rewarded with a piece of fruit. Thank god he learns fast, because his metabolism works at light speed and I can’t be busying myself cleaning turtle poop receptacles all day.

Nice and dry after a brief tussle with his handkerchief, Pong Pong studies Lin for a full minute before dismissing her as a threat. From a standing position, he leaps off the table and lands neatly atop Mama Bun, a feat I find more impressive than defeating five peak Experts and sinking a Runic Barge. I mean, the little guy is like eight centimetres from tip to tail, so a thirty centimetre jump is pretty damn daunting, but he made it look easy. Crawling under Mama Bun’s paws, the tiny turtle lets loose with a massive yawn before retreating into the safety of his shell for yet another nap, thoroughly satisfied with the accommodations.

I should have business cards made: Falling Rain, professional pet pamperer extraordinaire.

Slipping out of my embrace, Lin pouts while handing Mama Bun and Pong Pong over, likely at Guard Leader’s silent prompting. Pinching my cheeks, Lin looks into my eyes with a mournful expression, a sight which breaks my heart in two. “Hubby, I don’t know what’s wrong and I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m here if you ever do, ya? Not just me either, Mi-Mi too, and Daddy, and... and everyone. You don’t have to face this alone.”

“I know,” I lie, taking her hand and kissing her fingers. “And thank you. It’s not a big deal, I’m just a worrier, is all. I can’t help it, but I’ll be fine, don’t you worry.”

Huh... That last part didn’t feel like a lie. I might have meant it. I will be fine. Not right this moment, and definitely not tomorrow, but eventually, in time, I will be okay. Someday.

Flashing her beautiful, toothy smile, Lin pinches my cheeks a little harder. “Good. You lay down for a nap now, you look exhausted.” Jumping to her feet before I can quietly ask her to join me, Lin skips away and calls over her shoulder, “We’ve been invited to a party tonight in honour of Yan-Yan’s grandpapa, so you gotta look your best, ya? Remember, only five, so no more okay?”

But... Lin, Mila, Luo-Luo, and Yan only makes four...

Finishing her tea while my wifey makes her escape, Guard Leader slowly stands up to leave, but her gaze lingers on my conflicted expression. After a long silence, she clears her throat and says, “I have little advice regarding your difficulties with your Natal Palace, for forming mine came as easily as breathing. I recall you were the same, so your understanding is similarly limited. Just remember what the girl said.”

Aww, that’s sweet, she’s trying to offer help. “Thank you,” I reply with a smile, presenting her a seated bow to show my sincerity. “I understand, my loved ones are here to help and will seek their advice as soon as possible. I’m working on a theory of my own, but -”

“No, not that.” So exasperated I can almost hear her rolling her eyes behind her veil, Guard Leader clarifies, “About the turtle being master of his own domain. His Natal Palace is an aquatic paradise, yes? He controls everything within it and could craft anything he so chooses, so why stick with what’s familiar? Think on it boy, and think on all the other Natal Palace’s you’ve seen. What commonalities do they share?”

Thinking back on the experiences, something clicks in the back of my mind and it all makes sense. Opening my mouth to thank her again, the words freeze in my throat as I realize she’s already left and closed the door behind her. Too excited to rest, I wrap Mama Bun and Pong Pong in a blanket and place them off to the side to avoid a second trip into someone else’s Natal Palace before settling down to meditate. Pushing aside all doubts and uncertainties, I reach for Balance and step into the void, confident I’ve puzzled most of it out. As expected, Qing Qing’s hut is nowhere to be found, though Baledagh’s room is still there, floating in the emptiness of the void.

As much as I miss her and cherish our time together, Qing-Qing’s hut could never be a part of my Natal Palace. It’s not about strong emotional ties, but about emotional security, and I never felt safe in Qing-Qing’s home, because I was weak and vulnerable while stranded in the middle of nowhere. It’s all in the name: a Natal Palace, and a palace is nothing more than a fancy house. Dagen modelled his Natal Palace after the house he shared with his first family, while Bei’s was crafted in the image of her village home, and I picked the village in the mountains, all places where we felt safe and secure. That’s why I was so disillusioned by my Natal Palace, why I could never feel comfortable and at peace in there no matter how I tried, and stuck to training outside in the void. No matter how much I wish it were otherwise, the village isn’t home anymore, not after Sanshu and my near exile. Although I didn’t know it at the time, tearing it down was the right thing to do.

Story of my life, accidentally failing upwards.

There’s more to it than home. While I couldn’t see most of Yo Ling’s Natal Palace because of all the Spectres, I remember the ornate, golden throne he sat upon, so similar in function to Pong Pong’s coral bed. A central seat of power overlooking their domain, much like Baledagh’s room, my room, used to look out over the village, my home until it wasn’t home anymore.

Entering my seat of power, I see it exactly as I remember it, a simple, white room with windows on all sides and containing only a bed, a nightstand, an ornate ceiling, and its newest addition, a plain wooden goblet. Crawling into bed, I lay back and stare at the carved ceiling and all the depictions of heroics I once dreamed of, pretending they weren’t my dreams because they seemed too childish and silly to admit to. Not only that, but battle and bloodshed was so savage and barbaric, it offended my ‘modern’ sensibilities to derive joy from it, but this is who I am, whether I call myself Falling Rain or Baledagh. Hell, calling myself Baledagh would probably be closer to the truth, for it means warrior in the language of the Bekhai, and when you boil it down, that’s exactly what I am. Strip away all my titles and epithets and I’m left with Falling Rain, Warrior. That is who I am and the path I’ve chosen, and while it’s not who I’ve always been, and not exactly what I aspired to, it’s who I’ve become and it’s high time I accept it.

I am Falling Rain. I love peace, and I love fighting for peace. Contradictory? Maybe, but what can I say. I’m a complex guy.

Having rested long enough, I sit up and stride over to the window. The void stretches out in all directions, but it’s almost reassuring now. I see not empty nothingness, but limitless potential, a blank canvas or an empty page waiting to become what I will it, but I leave it untouched for now. There’s more to consider, for size is not everything. Pong Pong’s endless ocean and extensive coral mazes weren’t built merely for show, for they have a purpose. I believe the Natal Palace is also a defence against the Spectres, because I’ve seen it happen time and time again. Blobby built a wall of water to keep them out, and before that I locked them in a room to keep them from spreading, yet even then I almost succumbed to their false promises and whispered lies, because I wanted to.

It’s like the Monk said, the Defiled are not controlled by the Spectres, but rather allow the Spectres to control them. A distinction without a difference, or so I thought until now.

It explains how once I appeared and ruined the immersion, Dagen was wholly freed from Demon Vivek’s grasp, or why the Spectres tormented Bei even after she surrendered and tainted her memory of home, or how Yo Ling invited so many Spectres into his mind, tied his identity to the information they brought him, yet still kept hold of his sanity, tenuous though his grip may have been.

All of this was possible because each person is the master of their mind’s domain.

Even then, it’s not as simple as it sounds. The mind is a fickle thing, and what it wants and what is best for an individual are not always the same thing. Dagen wanted to see his wife and children again and spend the rest of his life with them, even if that life was a lie. After I pointed out the falsehoods, he still wanted to believe, because only by believing could he remain happy. With Bei, things were a little different. Even though she already surrendered and went full Demon, the Spectres continued tormenting her because she still could have cast them aside and retaken control. It wouldn’t have been easy, for it meant accepting responsibility for murdering and eating her father, but it was possible.

As for me? The Spectres offered not only strength without struggle, but they also promised me peace of mind. Never again would I need to question my decisions, because they would all be made for me. By surrendering my sense of self and ability to make decisions, I would be granted a twisted sense of freedom, and I was conflicted and desperate enough to almost accept it.

The Monk was right again. It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, which lures him to evil ways.

Seriously, if it wasn’t for the whole vegetarian thing, I might be tempted to join. Either way, it wouldn’t hurt to pay the mysterious Abbot a visit and have a nice, long talk.

Leaving the void as it stands, I settle onto the bed to replenish my Chi and take a nap. I should discuss my findings with Baatar and Akanai and see what they think, but knowing my Mentor and Grand Mentor, they’ll scoff and say I’m overthinking things. I probably am, but who knows. Maybe I’m onto something, so I might as well see where it goes. Better to try and fail than to never try at all. Besides, truth be told, despite all my recent revelations, I’m still the same person who almost succumbed to the Spectres and not entirely confident in my judgment. The only difference is, now I know my weakness and can take steps to correct it.

Will it make a difference?

I fucking hope so, else all this suffering would be for nothing.

As usual, supposed answers only lead to more questions, and I still haven’t figured out how to get Water Chi to do something useful, or tested my theory on why Ping Ping sticks around, or cured my dissociative identity disorder. Now I have an even more pressing decision to make: What am I supposed to say to Yan?

‘Hello, I missed you and still love you, so won’t you please be my fourth wifey?’

...

No, that’s a terrible idea. It’d never work, not in a million years.

Right?

Chapter Meme