Savage Divinity

Red One wasn’t kidding when he said the Death Corps were well-versed in attending to my needs. In the time it takes to mop a few puddles of filmy poop water, gather my soiled bed sheets, and bring the mats out to dry, my Death Corps honour guards have finished setting up the most lavish and extravagant impromptu bath I have ever seen. Instead of the strung up blankets I was expecting, I find several beautiful wooden folding screens cordoning off a small area in front of my yurt, their polished surfaces elaborately carved and lacquered with depictions of beautifully life-like birds amidst blooming floral scenery. Heart gripped by fear and apprehension, I hop over only to be greeted by an even more costly sight, a carved stone bathtub complete with integrated side-table for food and drink and a built in wood-stove to heat the water. Overcome with regret for not being more thorough, I swallow hard and ask two questions I’m not sure I want the answer to. “Where did you get all of this and how much did it cost?”

So focused on stoking the fire, Red One only now notices my presence, dropping everything as he turns to kneel and salute. “Responding to Imperial Consort, these items were gifted during his wedding banquet with Imperial Servant Luo.”

Oh thank the Heavens... I forgot about all my fancy gifts. I don’t remember seeing any of this stuff, but I suppose it’s because it was probably delivered after the fact. Having resolved my minor anxiety attack, I take the time to appreciate the lovely artwork and remind myself to thank whoever gifted it. This is way nicer than the dividers and bathtub I used after the wedding banquet, though considering the copious amounts of blood I left behind, I can forgive Nan Ping’s Magistrate for not lending the best he had to offer. That said, I should take inventory of all my stuff. Lovely as all of this is, it’s not exactly practical to bring into a war zone, but for now, there’s nothing wrong with indulging while I still can.

After declining Red One’s offer to stay and help and similar offers from his fetching female comrades, Orange One and Yellow One, I disrobe and sit on the stone stool to lather up and rinse off. Doing my best not to look too closely at the run-off for the sake of my sanity, I scrub my skin and hair clean with soap and rag in the cold morning air, wondering if there will ever come a time when I can enjoy bunny kisses ever again. Probably not, which is a shame. Sweet as they are, quins don’t like to kiss since they clean themselves with water and vigorous rubbing, and I taught my wildcats not to lick people on account of their skin-scraping, flesh-rending barbed tongues. I suppose I’ll have to settle for bear kisses for now, but Banjo and Baloo prefer showing their affection in different ways, like hugs, nuzzles, and motor-boat grunts.

I don’t think I can live like this, which means there’s only one solution: I must find more floofs. Adorable, affectionate, non-poop eating floofs, preferably something which subsists on fruits and vegetables so I don’t break the bank feeding them.

Imagining myself snuggling with an army of red pandas, I lower my squeaky clean self into the steaming hot water with a satisfied sigh, feeling the knots unwind and unfurl as tension melts from my muscles. Overhead, the perverted Ping-Ping peeks over the dividers with obvious interest while Blackjack enjoys the sun from atop her head. Truth be told, I kinda forgot about Blackjack last night and left the tiny hare outside with Ping Ping, which is good because it means Blackjack did not partake in the poop-water buffet, so I can still enjoy little hare kisses for now.

Determined to enjoy my downtime, I ignore Ping Ping’s urgent squeaks and settle in for a long, relaxing bath. I already thought ahead and left the water untouched by soap, so she can wait an hour or two until I’m done. Okay, not two hours, because I’d clearly be putting off dealing with my problems, but I deserve at least 30 minutes of me time. This is nice, sitting beneath the open skies in my fancy heated tub, while Ping Ping watches over me and Yipi and the other Laughing Birds fly overhead. Kingfisher, that’s what Mahakala called them, so I suppose I should start using their proper name, even through they’re hardly regal and I’ve never seen them fish.

...

Poor Mahakala. He seemed so resigned to death at the end there, regarding his entire life as failure. I can’t blame him for not clinging to life, Heaven knows how many times I’ve thought about a ‘fresh start’. I hope he survived the mindless Spectres and he’s out there somewhere, waiting to be born again. Perhaps he’s even already back in the world as a newborn and ready to give life another try. I wonder if there’s any way to track him down or something, though it’d be awkward if he’s reborn as a little girl, or worse, not even human.

Hmm... If I’m reborn as anything other than human, I hope it’s something adorable and furry. Not that I aspire to being a furry, but I’d be super depressed if I woke up in a new body covered in feathers or scales. Then again, it might be nice to fly or have armour-like skin, but honestly, if my mind were in an animal’s body, I doubt I’d last long. The lack of opposable thumbs is so limiting and eating raw meat is just icky. On the plus side, if I’m cute and fluffy, maybe I could find a beautiful lady to love and pamper me, one who’ll share her bed and hold me close against her bosom...

Yan doesn’t have much in the way of boobs, but they’re still nice. She’s also got killer hips and legs for days, a gorgeous, sensuous woman through and through. This is all without mentioning her captivating demeanour, starting out strong as a bold and dominant lover before turning shy and girlish the second she experiences something new. She’s so incredible, I love how she runs her hands over my muscles, how she presses her lips against mine, how her eyes drink in the sight of my body... Yan makes me feel wanted, needed even, and it’s not something I knew I even wanted until last night.

How long should I wait before going to see her again? Is lunch too soon? How does one propose around here? Do I keep to Bekhai tradition or should I go with Central norms? What if ‘Grandpa’ Du says no? What if he’s already got a partner in mind for Yan? Do I challenge whoever it is to a duel to the death? Maybe I should ask Taduk to Heal my hand and foot instead of regenerating it myself. It’s faster if he does it, but puts more stress on my body since it depletes all my fat reserves in one go, and if those aren’t enough, which they probably aren’t, I’ll lose muscle mass too. Considering how much Yan appreciated said muscles, I’d rather not lose them for now, so I suppose slow and steady it is. Besides, if Grandpa Du tries to marry Yan to that loser Jin Tok, I could totally kill him with only one hand and one foot, assuming Yan doesn’t kill the snivelling bastard first.

Submerging my head underwater to quench my rage, I come back up for air wondering how people can lie around and do nothing. I’ve been idle for five minutes and I’m already driving myself crazy with outlandish hypotheticals. Sadly, as much as I’d like to relax and enjoy the little things in life, dormancy and inaction are not for me. Maybe I could take up a hobby, like woodworking or stone carving. Ooh, or sewing.

Sitting up in the tub, I dry my upper body and close my eyes, channelling Chi into the bathwater as I slip into my Natal Palace. From the comfort of my (not real) bed, I gaze deep into the darkness of the void and am relieved to find myself alone and untouched by either variety of Spectre. I already checked on the way home last night, but one can never be too sure, especially since this new brand of aggressive, flesh-devouring Spectres makes the old ones look like HIV to their full-blown AIDS. How did Mahakala put it? Itinerant souls seeking to end existence, weaponized into a physical substance which is Anathema to life itself.

Yea, that's a nope from me. Do not want.

I guess the Spectres weren’t lying when they called themselves my Ancestors, because in a way, that’s exactly what they are. They’re life after death, or viewed from another perspective, the precursor to life, souls which have broken free of the cycle of reincarnation. How, I have no idea, but a better question is why? Why are they so filled with hatred and vehemence? Why do they drive men and women to commit atrocious acts of violence and cannibalism? Why take over their hosts and become full blown Demons? For another chance at life without losing their memories? That implies they’re still fully functioning remnants of human consciousness, but from what I’ve seen, they’re not exactly operating at full mental capacity, unable to deal with my brand of dry, sardonic humour or unintelligible quips. Its more like they’re programmed to mimic the worst part of the human psyche rather than complete, sentient beings.

...Except for that one time in Sanshu, after I fell into the lake but before Qing-Qing found me. I distinctly remember the voices urging me to surrender. ‘Return to my side’, the voices said. ‘Receive my gift’ and ‘Accept my guidance’. Was that the Spectres speaking, or could it have been the Father himself?

...Do the Father and Mother truly exist? Was I solicited by a literal God, one who I then rejected by telling Him to, and I quote, ‘shut the fuck up’? If so, then I guess it makes sense why my life is so difficult. I’m on an Evil God’s shitlist. Great. Why is it always the Evil God who works round the clock to give their side the advantage, while the Good God is always passive and hands off? Because ‘Freedom’ I guess, but even then, it seems grossly unfair. Dear Mother in Heaven, could you please get off your Divine Ass and do something about the Father poking around in my business?

...Sorry Mother in Heaven, I meant no disrespect, but to be fair, if you exist, you made me this way so it’s not entirely my fault.

Looking back at this world’s creation story, Mahakala’s ramblings make a little more sense. Taduk told it to me so long ago, but I never gave it much thought until now. As the story goes, the Father was jealous of the Mother’s children so He created something to call his own, avatars of anger, hatred, destruction, and wrath which he unleashed upon the world to poison the hearts of beast and man alike. Demons came later, after He taught them to take physical form, and to balance it, the Mother taught her creations to wield the Energy of the Heavens. Now, Mahakala says the world is unbalanced once more and our world threatened with nonexistence, but what the fuck am I supposed to do about it? Go to church, say my prayers, and wait for divine intervention? I’d rather not. Putting aside how organized religion doesn’t exist here, if we go back to Taduk’s story, we’d know that the first time the two sides became unbalanced, humans and beasts died in the millions before the Mother stepped in. Call me crazy, but I’d prefer a more immediate and less costly solution.

Of course, this raises a whole new host of questions regarding my origins. Am I a transmigrated amnesiac or a native pleb who’s awakened to memories of my past life? If the former, then what happened to the original host and why did I fill my head with nonsense before coming here? If the latter, then why can’t I remember anything before the age of twelve and what does this make me? Am I a young man with an older, modern man’s perspective, or am I an older man trapped in a younger man’s body? Questions without answers, which beget only more questions.

Anyone who thinks meditation is relaxing lacks imagination.

Since there’s no definitive answer to be found, I figure there’s no sense agonizing over theological or philosophical, so I might as well move on to something more productive. After double and triple checking the chalice of Heavenly Energy, I step out into the void to test my theories.

When talking about Natal Palaces, bigger is better according to the Legate. Pong Pong and Mahakala’s massive Natal Palaces support this theory, but without my neuroses helping me sustain a second personality, the small bedroom is all I can sustain, and while I could create another ‘me’ to hold down the mental fort as it were, I’d rather avoid this unless absolutely necessary. Mental health is a delicate thing, who knows if I’ll even be aware of the next personality I create? It’s not out of the realm of possibility I lie down in bed as Falling Rain and stand up as Murder-Hobo Rain, with no shared memory between the two.

Besides, a mental doppelganger isn’t a magical Natal Palace growth cheat. Even when I was switching between Baledagh and Brother, I didn’t create the replica of the village overnight. It took months of effort to complete, and I think it’s because I was forging a mental connection between Baledagh and the replica village. I wanted to give ‘him’ a place of his own, somewhere ‘he’ felt safe and welcome, so every time I crafted a new section of the village, I forged a mental connection between the new area and Baledagh. Thus, by keeping ‘him’ in mind at all times, it allowed me to also hold onto the mental replica of the village, because it was ‘his’ home, a place where ‘he’ could feel safe. After I was almost exiled, this was no longer true for me and my Natal Palace became even more intricately tied with Baledagh, because if I were him, things would never have gotten so far.

Thus, without Baledagh, without delineation between ‘him’ and ‘me’, the connection was gone and my Natal Palace unsustainable. I destroyed it, but it might have faded in time even if I hadn’t, because I don’t feel like I belong in the village anymore.

Maybe? I dunno, brains are weird.

Regardless, the big takeaway is that if I want to keep my Natal Palace in existence, I must never lose focus. The room remains because it’s become my new safe space, the fortress of solitude I want to hide in whenever real life gets too complicated, which is all the time. That said, experience proves I don’t need to concentrate on the entirety of my Natal Palace to keep it in existence. The larger Natal Palace remained in place because I always had a small part of my mind focused on whichever personality was in there, where it be Brother or Baledagh. This was enough to keep the rest of the Natal Palace in existence through association, so why can’t I create an object whose sole purpose is to help sustain the Natal Palace? A keystone of sorts, a piece which represents a greater whole. While I’m at it, why not make the keystone serve an actual purpose? I used to walk around as Baledagh while Brother was busy Healing, so it stands to reason I can do it again, but I need to come up with the perfect object to represent both safety and Healing.

The first thing that comes to mind is Taduk, but I’d like to avoid creating anything human or animal. What else comes to mind when I think of Healing? Eating bread, drinking vials of red liquids, and oddly enough, smashing buttons labelled one through five. No, all those things are too active for my purposes. A better question is what comes to mind when I think of Passive Regeneration?

...

Sitting in front of a giant tree? Too obscure. Trolls blood? Too nonsensical. Druids? Too human. A white box with a red cross?

...Sure, why not? Now, all I need to do is associate the first-aid kit with whatever I construct in my Natal Palace, and I have the perfect place in mind. The image comes easily, as it’s a place I’ve spent plenty of time in, a tiny dirt and stone cottage ensconced in the mountainside. A quin stable sits beside the house proper and a bamboo fence encloses a small area around both, where a blossoming herbal garden sits in neat, orderly rows, so at odds with the wild, uncultivated ambience of everything else. Inside, it’s a cluttered mess with books everywhere and pages strewn about, some written by the inhabitant and others torn out in fit of pique because the author was misinformed or flat out wrong, destined to be burnt in the nearby fireplace. The round dining table tucked in the corner has three wooden chairs arranged around it, two worn and faded while the third is newer and more lustrous.

I never noticed before now, but Taduk bought the chair just for me. There are backless stools in the closet for when guests join him for meals, but in his eyes, I was never a guest, so I needed a chair, even if I only ate lunch with him most days. A small gesture and a minor inconvenience for him and Lin, but one which tells me they’ve always thought of me as family.

Cry later. Work now. Also, hug Taduk more. He’s awesome.

The rest of Taduk’s home comes easily, since his study, his bedroom, and Lin’s room are all that’s left. A quaint and humble affair compared to his manor in Shen Huo, but he loves it here and so do I. If I don’t feel welcome in the village anymore and I can’t have Taduk in my Natal Palace, then this is the next best thing. Close to the village, but outside it. Not one of the Bekhai, but standing with them.

It’s not ideal, but it’s the best I’ve got.

Now... where to put the first-aid kit? My first thought is to hide it in a secret room behind a breakable wall, but that seems silly and counter productive. This is passive healing, which means it needs to be visible, dominant even. Going with my subconscious, I envision the white box floating in mid-air, rotating horizontally while exuding a transparent, spherical domain of increased regeneration. At least, that’s what I feel it does, which is more important than its actual purpose, I’d hope.

Remember, this is all trial and error still, so it’s no big deal if this doesn’t work. No need to feel all depressed and gloomy, we can try again, and again, and again, as many times as it’s needed to get it right. Having prepared for the worst, I take one last look around the cottage before closing my eyes, concentrating on the rotating first-aid kit and the Passive Regeneration it provides. Don’t think about Healing or creating Panacea, focus only on the first-aid kit and what it does, emanate a natural, perpetual field which Heals you automatically so long as you have Chi. It’s just like going to visit Taduk for Healing, a process which requires no effort on your part whatsoever.

Willing myself awake, I open my eyes to see Ping Ping’s beak inches from the bathtub, her mouth open as she pants in eager anticipation. Giggling at her adorable antics, I get out as quickly as I can and fill a pan for Pong Pong, hoping to see if the tiny turtle would also like some Chi-Water and perhaps validate my hypotheses. There are so many of them now, I can barely keep track, but either way, Ping Ping deserves her treat. With my permission, the big girl dips her beak into the tub and slurps it all in one gulp, her eyes closed in sheer delight as she takes in the moment.

It’s still feels weird feeding a Divine Turtle with bath water, especially since I just used it to clean turtle poop out of my hair, but whatever floats her boat.

And now, for the moment of truth... Did it work?

Wrapped only in a towel and standing on one foot, I close my eyes and return to my Natal Palace. As usual, the little room is still there, unchanged with a bed, nightstand, and goblet of Heavenly Water within. More importantly, beside it sits Taduk’s cottage, exactly as I left it, still exuding the transparent field of Healing energy. Whispering a small prayer to the Mother to cover my bases, I look inwards and squeal in delight as I see my blood carrying Panacea to my severed hand and foot without any conscious effort on my part.

It worked. I can’t believe it worked. This is huge! I once called myself a support, but no longer. This has opened up a whole new world of possibilities. Right now, it’s just passive Healing, but throw in Passive Reinforcement, Passive Lightening, Passive Honing, Passive Guiding...

Fuck the Legate and his Imperial Secrets. I don’t need him, I’ve got buff bots now. Divinity, here I come!

Chapter Meme