Savage Divinity

“Mama Bun, Mama Bun, Oh Mama Mama Mama. Mama Bun! Ba boom boom boom boom...”

With the wind in her hair and her pipa in hand, Tali played a silly little tune while riding to the bamboo grove. Though there was still a ways yet to go, her cheeks were already hurting from smiling so much, because for the first time in forever, the whole family was getting together for a group outing. They weren’t going anywhere new or exciting, just to silly mister Taduk’s garden and maybe their manor in the district, but it was still better than meeting everyone in the Citadel, where the streets were loud, cluttered, and stinky. Granpa and Rainy had to live there because of work, and Tali loved them both to bits, but she was happy when Mama and Papa announced they were moving out to the countryside, even before there was a district to visit. Things were just so much better away from all the crowds, and while the flat, boring plains were no match for the majestic sights and calming sounds of their mountain village, anything was better than living under constant guard back at the stuffy Citadel.

Chittering as she ran across the open fields, Paku most certainly agreed. Following hot on the heels of Mama and Suret, sweet Paku was having the time of her life as she huffed and puffed to keep up with her dam’s speedy pace. This was how Tali knew Mama had something on her mind, else she would have slowed down so the younger quins could keep up and so she could sing along with Tali’s playing. Something had happened with the family, which was why Mama was in such a big rush, but this was all the more reason for Tali to sing and play louder though, to help keep Mama’s spirits high. Aside from Tate’s naughty antics, Rainy was the only person who could get Mama so anxious and flustered, which meant whatever the problem was, Tali’s trouble prone uncle was sure to be at the centre of it.

She wasn’t worried though, because even though no one said anything, she could already tell it was good news, and not bad. Though Mama was in a rush to get to the bamboo grove, it wasn’t because they were running late, but because Rainy and everyone else had left the Citadel early. If there really was an emergency, Granpa and Granma wouldn’t have brought Rainy out to visit mister Taduk, mister Taduk would’ve gone to visit them instead, and Mama would be bringing them to the Citadel rather than the bamboo grove. Too bad Tate didn’t believe her and was scowling up a storm, his pinched and broody scowl almost an identical match to Surra’s. At least his quin had an excuse for his foul mood, seeing how his poor shoulder was still sore and chafed from a twisted harness the last time they rode, but Tate was just fretting for no reason.

There was no talking to him though, not when he’d already made up his mind, so Tali kept playing and singing while ignoring his pointed glares and directed scowls. He didn’t like her singing and said she was bad at it, and truth be told, Tali knew he was right, but that didn’t matter. She wasn’t good at singing now, which wasn’t the same as saying she would be bad at singing forever, but she would never get better and sound as good as Luo-Luo if she didn’t practice. Even though he was in another coma again, Rainy was living proof that hard work paid off, because no one worked harder than he did, and now, he was even higher ranked than Granpa and Great-Granma.

Falling Rain, Legate of the Outer Provinces, that’s what everyone called him, but when the other kids asked what Rainy was really like, Tali often had to lie, but only because no one ever believed her when she told the truth. Everyone saw him as this big, brave hero and warrior, a brilliant leader who would lead the Empire to victory against the Defiled, but the Rainy Tali knew was a crybaby, a big scaredy cat who worried about everything and anything. He hated fighting, hunting, training, and doing chores, and he loved complaining about them all the time, even though Mama and Granma never forced him to do his chores like they did with Tali and Tate. To hear Rainy say it, he would sit around all day playing with his pets and never leave home if given the choice, but even if that was what he really wanted to do, he was always working hard to help everyone else. That’s just the sort of person Rainy was, which made him even more of a hero in Tali’s eyes. It was easy to be brave when you were confident like Mama, or fierce like Granma, or scary like Granpa could sometimes be, but for a scaredy cat like Rainy, even basic courage didn’t come easily to him, so he had to work twice as hard as everyone else to find it.

Tali still remembered a time when Rainy would lock himself in his room for days and refuse to come out, or she would find him fast asleep in the quin pen because he had a nightmare and didn’t want to sleep alone. Mama and Papa said it was because Rainy went through a really bad tribulation before finding his way back to their family, but Tali only recently learned the details after Rainy told the entire Empire he’d once been a slave. A terrible thing, slavery, one which wasn’t allowed back in the village, and she couldn’t understand why the Emperor allowed such horrible practices, but Mama said ‘such is life’. Still, despite everything he’d been though, Rainy never gave up, and instead threw himself into his training. Tali once overheard Mama say Rainy worked hard to become a Warrior of note because he didn’t really trust anyone else to keep him safe, but Tali knew better. He wasn’t afraid for himself, not really. He just didn’t want anyone else he loved to go through what he did, so he faced his fears and worked hard to become strong enough to protect everyone else. That was Tali’s kind, hardworking, cowardly uncle Rainy, and it made her sad how no one ever believed her when she told the truth about how amazing he really was.

Of course, she still thought he was silly to work so hard at something he obviously hated, especially when he was so talented in so many other areas. Rainy didn’t know how to play any instruments, but he was always humming one pleasant tune or another that no one had ever heard, and he told the most imaginative stories about people in strange lands with unbelievable customs. He was also an amazing cook, brilliant physician, successful merchant, shrewd inventor, and all-round gifted individual, but he just had to pursue the Martial Path. Everyone supported Rainy with all their heart, but Tali thought Rainy would’ve been better off if they’d all come together and told him that he would be better off doing anything besides pursue the Martial Path.

Well, maybe not painting or calligraphy. Rainy had terrible brushwork, but then again, if he really worked hard at it, Tali was sure he would become one of the best painters or calligraphers ever. Knowing this, even though it was embarrassing to see Tate wince every time she started singing, she was determined to be more like Rainy and practice until she became better. Strumming away at her pipa, she sang and listened for the strange warbling that cropped up when she tried to match her voice with her instrument, but she couldn’t quite get it right all the time. Dissonance, Luo-Luo called it, a mismatch in harmonies, so Tali focused really hard on the notes and worked to improve just a little with each passing day. Even though she wasn’t good at it, she loved singing, dancing, and playing the pipa, so she would work hard to become the best singer, dancer, and musician she could be. If Rainy could work hard and become the Number One Talent in the Empire, then Tali could at least become a passable singer, ya?

Singing wasn’t all she worked hard at though, and this trip wasn’t just for fun, because she had a super special secret ready for Rainy. All too soon, their little race came to an end as they arrived at Mister Taduk’s garden all together. Granpa and Granma were waiting outside to greet them with big, bright smiles, smiles which had been all too rare these past few weeks. Unable to resist, Tali urged Paku into one final burst of speed before stopping short to launch herself off the quin’s back and into Granpa’s waiting arms. Bursting with laughter as he twirled her about, Tali buried her head in his chest and pretended not to hear Mama’s ‘tch’, having been warned too too many times about how dangerous that could be. That was silly too, because Granpa was one of the strongest Warriors in all the Empire, and he would always catch her and keep her safe.

Dizzy from all the spinning about, Tali giggled and gasped until she caught her breath and found her feet again, only to find herself wrapped in Granma’s warm embrace while Granpa stalked over to wrestle with Tate. No one ever believed Tali when she told them about her fun-loving grandparents either, which was a shame because they were the best, just like the rest of her family. “Tate, sweetling,” Granma called after Granpa and him had their fun. “Be a dear and help your sister bring everything inside please. There’s something we need to discuss with your parents.”

Probably the reason why they came to the grove so early instead of waiting until lunchtime like planned. With Tate’s help, Tali grabbed the saddlebags off of the quins back and set them loose to frolic before heading into the bamboo grove. Huffing from carrying too much, Tate stopped to listen to Luo-Luo’s music, though Tali was certain he was more interested in making moon eyes at her instead. Not that she could blame him really, because Luo-Luo was so beautiful even Tali sometimes found herself staring. Mi-Mi, Yan-Yan, Li-Li, and Lin-Lin were all pretty too, but they were like a beautiful, natural landscape, while Luo-Luo was an impossibly perfect painting of the same. Both were nice to look at, but there were plenty of landscapes out there, but only a few paintings more beautiful than the real thing.

Silly Mister Taduk gave Tali a goofy little smile when she called out hello, digging in the dirt alongside so many bun-buns, while Great-Granma and Great-Granpa called her over to pinch her cheeks and slip her sweets, like she was still a six-year-old who needed to be charmed. Not that she minded, since she loved sweets, but what she loved more was how big her family had gotten in recent years. Great-Granma and Great-Granpa were both a little scary at first, especially Great-Granpa with his frightening scars, but Tali had long since gotten past that and knew they were both sweet and caring as could be. Besides, it was funny to watch Granpa and Granma act like kids around them, always on their best behaviour just like Yan-Yan and Mi-Mi were around them. Great-Granpa was really funny too, and he eyed Tali’s boxes with a greedy smile. “Oh?” he rumbled, his nose twitching with exaggerated sniffs. “I smell something... delicious. Come lass, show yer Great-Granpa what ye got squirrelled away in there. A man’s liable to starve after comin’ all this way, where there ain’t nothing but rabbit food to fill his belly.”

“Ah! This isn’t for you!” Hugging her box close as she moved to shield Granma, Tali puffed her cheeks and said, “Papa has food for you, Great-Granpa, so be patient. This is for Rainy.”

“Ah, so that’s how it is then?”

Seeing Great-Granpa’s fake, sad expression, Tali sighed and said, “It’s just ingredients. There’s nothing cooked in here, ya?”

“Oh? So yer sayin’ it’s not all fer the lad, and that when it’s all done cookin’, yer great-grandda here can have some too? That’s a good lass, proper filial you are. What is it? Dumplings, smells like. Pork and scallions, I bet, the lad’s favourite. Mine too, in case ye didn’t know, so I can’t hardly wait.”

Rolling her eyes, Tali pursed her lips and huffed, just like Mama would. “Fine, but only one okay? The rest are Rainy’s.” It wouldn’t just be one, because Great-Granpa was a glutton who would steal food off Rainy’s plate if no one watched him, but he mostly did it to pester Mi-Mi and Mama. Luckily, Tali had expected as much and brought more pork and dough than necessary, but there was still one last ingredient which she just had to save just for Rainy. This she got from Lin-Lin, who had to pick her way through a crowd of begging bunnies all clamouring for a treat, but Tali steeled her heart and ignored their hopeful stares, patting paws, and thumping tantrums because Rainy needed it more. Inside the linen pouch was the last of Mister Taduk’s Spiritual Coriander, which Tali was going to use to make something healthy and delicious for Rainy. Papa, Mama, and Granma had all given up on feeding him Spiritual Plants, but the bunnies wanted them so badly and Mama Bun thought it’d be good for Rainy, so there had to be something there.

“Hiya Rainy,” she said, greeting him with as much enthusiasm as she could muster. Usually, he was all smiles whenever she saw him, but today he was still as empty and unresponsive as ever, sitting in the grass and staring at nothing at all. Tali hated seeing him like this, so wooden and distant, because it just made her miss him all the more. Poor Aurie was pressed up against him, cuddling close in hopes of a hug or a kiss, two things Tali provided for the wildcat in Rainy’s stead. “Don’t be sad, Aurie,” she whispered, rubbing the big, silly kitty’s cheeks just like Rainy would. “He’s just sleeping, ya? He hasn’t left, he’s just resting, you’ll see.”

“You haven’t heard have you?” Beaming impishly as she hugged Rainy tight, Lin-Lin nuzzled his cheek and said, “Hubby almost woke up earlier, when we were strolling through the market.”

“Really?”

“Ya! He unleashed his Domain and it was like ‘Wah!’, and then he started channelling all this Chi which made my skin all tingly and prickly. He also looked a little scared, but no one else saw it, so I think he’s just gathering his courage to come back.” Gazing at him with admiring eyes, Lin-Lin gave Rainy another squeeze and whispered, “It’s okay. Nothing to be scared of hubby. We’re all here, waiting for you, so you don’t need to worry about a thing, okay?”

Lin-Lin understood Rainy best, even better than Tali. Gladdened by the news, Tali gave Rainy a small hug and made sure her things were secure from thieving bunnies, curious kitties, and hungry bears before heading off to say hi to all the animals. She paid extra attention to the birds, especially the fledglings because they were cute, curious, and refused to be ignored. A shame Rainy wasn’t awake, because he would love to hug and scritch these roly-poly birdies who were so trusting and loving they’d snuggle up in your lap, but since he was still in a coma, then Tali would just have to spoil the birdies in his place. The bunnies too, but they were only swarming her because of the pack of Spiritual Plants tucked into her sleeves, and she refused to share any since she knew Mister Taduk gave them more than enough to munch on. He was a lot like Granma in this one regard, where he spoke ill of the bunnies but actually loved them to bits.

Almost an hour later, Tali was finally ready to get started on lunch, though she needed everyone else to help keep the animals away. Even Rainy lent a hand here, though not on purpose as Mama Bun had fallen asleep in his lap, clutching Pong Pong no less. He was the prettiest turtle Tali had ever seen, even prettier than the cute and adorable Ping Ping, and though this was a rare chance to pet the mysterious turtle, Tali would not let herself get distracted from helping Rainy. He was almost awake, but still scared, so she would cook him a delicious, Spiritual Meal just like the Imperial tofu pudding he kept going on about.

If the Imperial Clan could cook Spiritual Plants, then there was no reason Tali couldn’t do it too, so after washing her hands, she settled down to work and did everything exactly as Rainy taught her. These days, all of her cooking lessons were taught by Papa, but Rainy was the one who introduced her to it, all those years ago back in the village. She still remembered the first time they cooked together, when he showed her how to crease the folds on the dumplings to make them look pretty. “Wanna know the secret to making delicious dumplings?” he’d asked, smiling one of his rare, real smiles, not the fake smile he usually put on so no one would worry.

“Ya,” Tali had said, and Tate had chimed in as well, so happy to be helping even if he didn’t like cooking. “Tell us, tell us!”

Gathering them both up in his thin, but strong arms, Rainy had hugged them tight and whispered, “Love. Gotta put lots of love into the dumplings, else they’re just steamed meat and dough. That’s why you guys were such a big help, because I love you both so very, very much.”

Glancing at Rainy’s blank expression, Tali held fast to the memory as she set to work, laying everything out just the way Rainy used to. That’s why she chose to make dumplings, instead of something easier for him to eat like soup or congee, because they were something they shared, a special memory between them, and she wanted him to remember this and come back. The dough was already prepared and the meat ground, spiced, and tenderized, so Tali chopped up the scallions, diced the Spiritual Coriander, and mixed it all thoroughly with her bare hands. Rainy’s method of gauging the perfect amount of filling was to take a big handful and squeeze his fist until a glob oozed out from between his thumb and index finger, giggling all the while. There were cleaner and better ways to measure the filling, like by using a proper sized spoon, but Rainy preferred using his hands because, “It’s more fun this way”. A perfectly Rainy way to do things, not the best way, but his way, so Tali meant to honour that and follow through.

Besides, he was right. It was more fun this way.

Rainy was never someone who cared too much about appearances, but Tali believed food tasted better when it looked nice, so instead of doing the basic, three fold wraps like Rainy taught her, she decided to wrap the dumplings as prettily as possible. The first batch she wrapped as a three-pointed stars, and the second in what Papa called a ‘round basket’ style, with a doughy bowl on top where people could drizzle soy sauce, vinegar, or hot sauce into. She also wrapped some with an open top for Rainy to eat first, and others like a folded pouch, because she knew Mama liked to bite through the dumpling skins to let all the steam and heat out first before eating them in one gulp. Lastly, following a bout of inspiration, she wrapped a dozen dumplings using three wrappers each and equal amounts of meat to make a bouquet of rose-shaped dumpling that were sure to have Rainy praise her.

While she worked, Tate got the cooking fire started and heated the water to a boil, so once Tali was finished wrapping, all she had to do was put the bamboo steamers into the pot and tend to the fire to make sure it didn’t get too hot or too cold. It was a delicate thing, as differently wrapped dumplings needed different amounts of time in the steamer, and she didn’t have a pocket-watch like Rainy. All she could do was watch the fire and use her best judgment, so she settled in and waited. When the dumplings were about three-quarters of the way done, she removed the three-pointed star and pouch dumplings from the pot before frying them in a pan of pork fat. She’d used the same filling for all the dumplings, so this would add some much-needed variety to keep things exciting. By the time everything was all ready and she’d taken the steamers out of the pot, Great-Granpa and Tate were all but drooling as they sat by the fireside, while a pool of spit had already formed underneath Banjo and Baloo’s chins.

Suddenly feeling drained from all her efforts, Tali wiped her brow and plonked down in the dirt, only for Lin-Lin to come over with a handkerchief in hand. “Wah, you worked so hard,” she said, wiping away Tali’s sweat before planting a kiss on her forehead. “It smells so yummy, and looks pretty too. You’re such a great cook Tali.”

Everyone else chimed in with similar sentiments, and it was only now that Tali realized they’d all been watching her work. Papa was even plating things out for her with a big smile on his face, and Tali’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “Did I take too long?” she asked, wondering why everyone was staring. “Sorry.”

“You didn’t take too long at all,” Papa said, and over by Rainy’s side, Mama reaffirmed this with a nod as she smiled ever so brightly. “We’re all just watching because you did such an amazing job, sweetling. How do you feel?”

“Tired,” Tali replied, nuzzling against Lin-Lin’s shoulder as she realized just how exhausted she really was. “Really sleepy ya?” Rubbing her eyes with a yawn, she added, “And my head hurts a little.”

“Have some tea,” Lin-Lin said, helping Tali over to sit next to Rainy, who still had Mama Bun and Pong Pong asleep in his lap and Aurie pressed against his back. “Daddy brewed it special for you, so drink slowly and finish the whole thing.”

Giving the herbal tea a careful sniff to check if it was medicine, Tali was surprised by how fragrant and pleasant the tea smelled. A careful taste test confirmed that the drink was laced with honey, but not to hide any bitter taste or strange surprises, so she gulped it down greedily with a smile. “Thank you mister Taduk,” she said, feeling better already as Lin-Lin refilled the cup. “The tea is delicious.”

“You’re welcome, dear girl,” he replied, patting her head with a warm smile. “And I’m sure your dumplings will be even more delicious.”

While everyone else settled in to eat, Tate shuffled over to sit beside her and whispered, “Are you okay? You were really weird back there.”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t remember?” For a second, Tali thought Tate might be trying to trick her, but he was genuinely confused. “You got really still for a few minutes and didn’t answer when I asked you if something was wrong. I was gonna shake you, but then Great-Granma stopped me and said we should leave you alone.” Pursing his lips in thought, Tate leaned in and said, “I think you were channelling. Did you have an Insight maybe?”

“I don’t think so.” Tilting her head to think, she asked, “Sorry for ignoring you. I was just making dumplings and thinking about Rainy.”

“Ah.” Though he didn’t have much else to add, Tali could see Tate was worried Rainy would never come back. They were so similar in the worst possible ways, because even though Tate knew Rainy just as well as Tali, he idolized Rainy and wanted to be just like him, without learning anything from his mistakes. Tate didn’t love fighting either, he just wanted to be strong like the rest of the family, but that wasn’t a good reason to become a Martial Warrior. You didn’t have to be a dedicated Warrior to be strong; Papa, Granma, and Great-Grandpa were all living proof. Sure, Rainy was great at everything and was now a hero and Legate, but Tali knew he would much rather be unknown and carefree again, rather than struggle every day to cope with all the fame, stress, and danger.

A shame Tate didn’t understand that, but hopefully, he would come to his senses soon enough...

Pulling her brother in for a hug, she clutched tight until he stopped squirming to get away. Ignoring his forced scowl, she grinned and whispered, “Don’t worry, silly. Rainy will be just fine. You’ll see.”

“You don’t know that.”

Even he didn’t believe Rainy wouldn’t be okay, but Tate just had to agonize over something. That’s how Rainy was after all, and Tate had picked up that bad habit. “I know,” Tali declared, releasing her brother from her grip, and somehow, she really did. “I just do.”

Then it came time to eat, with everyone praising Tali’s dumplings, while she felt bad for Papa who worked so hard on everything else. “The noodles look really yummy,” she said, which earned her a soft smile from Papa as he added an extra piece of mutton to her bowl. “And is that stir-fried shrimp? We haven’t had that in forever.”

“Because a certain greedy little beast kept eating it all,” Papa replied, his eyes settling on the sleeping Mama Bun in Rainy’s lap. “Even the portions set aside for other people.”

“Lucky!” Reminded of Pong Pong’s presence, Tali took a moment to gaze at the pretty turtle and resisted the urge to stroke his sleepy head. This was the first time he’d trusted them all enough to fall asleep in their presence, and she didn’t want to do anything to break that trust, so she left him and the snoring Mama Bun alone. Instead, she pet Ping Ping who was resting her head in between Tali and Rainy, and the sweet Guardian Turtle squeaked happily in response before going back to staring at Rainy’s blank expression.

Stifling a small sigh, Tali clung fast to hope and put Rainy’s bowl and chopsticks in his hands. Usually, he would take them and start shovelling air into his mouth, but today, he almost dropped them both. Tali had to close his fingers around the bowl and give it a little squeeze before she could let go, and even then, Rainy only held it loosely. The same went for his chopsticks, which weren’t being held in his hand so much as balanced in his palm, which was odd since he usually ate without help. Tired and light-headed as she was, Tali was determined to get Rainy to eat her dumplings, so she shifted her seat into a kneeling position and took his bowl and chopsticks from him. Leaning forward to grab one of the open-topped dumplings, she gingerly placed it into the bowl and blew on it to cool. Then she added a single drop of soy sauce and big drizzle of chili oil, just the way he liked it, and on a whim, offered him the bowl again. “Here you go Rainy,” she said. “See? I made yummy dumplings for you to eat, so you’ll be strong and healthy again. Pork and scallions, your favourite.”

Even though she didn’t expect a response, she still tried to talk to him as often as possible. When Granma was in her coma, she heard Granpa talking to her, so there was no reason to think Rainy couldn’t hear them now. To her surprise, he even responded this time, raising his arms to take the bowl and chopsticks from her hands. Her breath caught in her chest until she remembered that this was normal, that he always ate his food on his own and this was no different, or at least that’s what she told herself until she raised her head and saw him looking back at her.

His expression was still blank, but his eyes, those told Tali everything, so full of warmth and love as he raised the bowl to his lips and ate the dumpling within. Chewing slowly to savour the taste, his gaze shifted to Tate and then around the grove to take in the rest of the family. With each passing moment, his face filled with life, the colour coming back to his cheeks as he returned to the waking world unnoticed by anyone except Tali. Her smile threatened to split apart her cheeks as she watched it all happen, and by the time his eyes landed back on her, she knew Rainy was back for good.

Because only Rainy could look so tired, worried, and happy all at the same time.

“You’re back!” Throwing herself into his chest, Tali cried tears of joy as he hugged her back and stroked her hair. “Rainy’s back!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coming out of my self-imposed coma is... disorienting, to say the least. A deluge of questions hits me like a tidal wave as everyone rushes over to check my health, and were it not for their care and discipline, I might well have been crushed underfoot. Their voices register in my ears and the words feel recognizable, right up until I try to discern their meanings which is when things get jumbled and confusing. I can make out individual words and even some phrases, but I cannot for the life of me parse together their entire sentences, though I can tell my confusion worries them. Understanding eludes me and my mind feels muddled and unresponsive, but there is no such barrier for emotion, both mine and everyone else’s. The flood of ineffable sensations is vast and intimidating, compelling and anxiety inducing, paralyzing and awe-inspiring all at the same time, an experience unlike anything I’ve ever felt before as I re-experience the full gamut of emotions for the first time in an eternity. All too quickly, I find myself overwhelmed by the love and concern radiating around me, invisible to the eye yet all too clearly there, emanating not just from these beloved people standing over me, but also the furry and feathery creatures pressed up against me.

Family. Animals. Wives. Parents. Pets. The words come belatedly, like lagging voice messages arriving seconds too late and playing at one tenth of the speed, making for familiar sounds that take considerable effort to parse through and frustrating me to no end. You’d think it was nothing big, this minor delay and jumbled speech, but it’s so noticeable I almost can’t stand it. It’s like I just went from playing a local game with no delay to an online one with over 300 ping and different controls for everything, not exactly unbearable, but far from pleasant. A voice sounds, and I raise my head as directed, my body responding before my mind pieces together the message. “Raise your head,” Taduk said, and now I’m looking him in the eyes. Puzzled as I am by my automatic reaction, I’m soon captivated by Taduk’s gaze. He has such soft, kind eyes, my Teacher and surrogate father, so filled with hope and concern, while smelling like herbs and cinnamon, a pleasant and unique combination I’ve never smelt anywhere else. While I stare into his eyes, he says something else, a command from the tone, and this time, it takes a short eternity for me to understand his intent. “Squeeze my hand.”

Squeeze. To exert pressure.

My. A pronoun and possessive adjective, in this case, indicating something of Taduk’s.

Hand. The end part of a person’s arm beyond the wrist, including the palm, fingers, and thumb.

Exert pressure on Taduk’s hand.

Oh, okay. He wants me to squeeze his hand.

I squeeze. Or at least, I mean to, but after a while, Taduk speaks again. I parse through the message only to find he repeated himself, asking me to squeeze his hand and leaving me to wonder if I actually did. I thought I did. Or did I just think about doing it, and never do anything? If I squeeze twice, would that change anything? No, he’s just checking how responsive I am, which at the moment, is not very. Squeeze his hand. Ah, I see the problem. His hand is in front of me. I wasn’t already holding it. I have to take his hand first, then squeeze. Makes sense, makes sense. There you go. Lift your hand, take his, and then squeeze.

Pain and discomfort in Taduk’s expression. Why? Oh no, I squeezed too hard. Let go. Dude. Let. Go. Relax your fingers and let go. There we go. Now... now say something. “I squeezed.” Say something else, like you’re sorry. “You’re sorry.” No, I’m sorry. Say it. “Sorry.”

Taduk’s reply comes too quickly for me to catch, but he cups my cheeks and smiles, which is enough to tell me that all is forgiven. What’s going on? Why isn’t my brain working? No, it’s working perfectly fine, it’s just not... synced with the rest of me. Oddly enough, everything works fine when I’m not paying attention, because I only now just noticed Taduk kept asking me to do things, and I’ve been doing them all without thinking. Raise my right hand. Close one eye. Close the other. Wiggle my ears. Tell him what two plus two equals. Going over what I just did and understanding what happened takes even longer than it took to do it, and when I finally come out of contemplation, I find myself facing a worried Taduk while the rest of my loved ones watch on. Again, it takes a moment for me to understand what happened, and I realize that while I was trying to make sense of things, I was ignoring everyone and everything, which made them think I slipped into another semi-conscious coma.

“Sorry.” The apology come naturally, even if my tone and expression don’t follow suit. I got lost in contemplation, but I don’t know how to express it, and after long moments of thought, I realize everyone is telling me there’s no need to apologize. Course once I figure this out, it only makes me feel worse, especially since I can feel their palpable dread and tangible relief on this roller-coaster of misunderstandings and emotions.

What’s going on? Why can’t I function properly?

As Taduk eases off on the health checkup, Tali brings me back to finish lunch, allowing me to mentally step back and let my reflexes take over. For awhile, it almost feels like nothing has changed, that I’m back inside the void while my body runs on autopilot to eat and do other stuff, except this time, I am both in control and not in control of my actions. I don’t entirely understand it, but after thinking it through for... well, a long time, I believe that all my problems are due to how I severed the connection to my mind and body. It’s not that I can’t ‘reconnect’, because I’ve obviously already done it, but rather that because I spent so much time in the Void, I’ve forgotten how to actually pilot this meat suit.

Way to go. You forgot how to be human. Good job, idiot.

It’s not entirely a lost cause though. I can do stuff if I really, really, really focus on it and direct myself through every minuscule step along the way. Words are still a problem, because I’ve stopped thinking in words, or at least, I think I have. Not sure. It’s more like everything I think is more of a concept, one unique to my own understanding. I’m not thinking these thoughts like reading words off a page, just experiencing it all at once.

And even then, I can’t stop the monologing. Amazing.

I didn’t notice it while in the Void, but this was how I adapted. I wasn’t a corporeal being anymore, a person with bodily needs and sensations, but just a construct of thoughts and memories. Now that I think about it, if I cut myself off from my body and mind, how was I functioning at the time?

Oh.

A doi.

No body.

No mind.

Which only leaves one thing. I was subsisting in the Void as a Soul. Not a Natal Soul, but just... my soul. Weird.

Ha! Turns out, I am now living proof that you don’t need a brain to think.

Hmm. Humour. I can’t really say why, but I feel like that’s a good sign. Probably is, for some reason or another. Maybe because I’m remembering what it means to be a person? I dunno. I think there’s less brain lag now too, or maybe it never existed. As a soul, there were no neurons to fire off in order to think, which probably means I was ‘thinking’ at the literal speed of thought, which is why I lost track of time so easily. I’m just adjusting to life as a person again, with all those minor needs like breathing and blinking to keep track of. Though it feels like forever, I don’t think I’ve been back in my body for more than... I can’t really tell, but looking back on what’s happened, I’m currently eating my...

Second dumpling.

...

Really? That’s it? I could swear I’ve been sitting here for a while now...

Man... time is slow.

No, that’s not true. Time is constant, it’s just my perception of time is skewed. I’m used to doing everything at the speed of thought now, and I’ve forgotten how to keep track of all those cues I use to denote the passing of time. Like breathing, blinking, heartbeats, and all those other constant rhythms I used to subconsciously keep track of. What’s more, I keep fixating on my thoughts and nothing else, ignoring the waking world around me and causing it to feel like time just... skips. It’s as if I’m watching my life unfold in slow motion before my own eyes, with little to no agency to affect it, and every time I stop focusing on the here and now, time either slows or accelerates without rhyme of reason. This more than anything is causing a disconnect between me and reality, because it’s hard to feel grounded when everything keeps changing.

Lin-Lin’s sweet laugh draws me out of my thoughts, and it is the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard, one that fills me with love and longing for my sweet, delightful wifey. Meeting her eyes sends butterflies fluttering through my belly, and I follow her gaze down to my side, where Ping Ping is squeaking up a storm as I absently stroke her head. I didn’t make myself do that, it just happened, and the sweet girl is delighted by all the attention, and her skin feels so smooth and soft I can’t stop touching it. Perking up even more as she directs a burst of Loving Aura towards me, I belatedly realize this was in response to a directed Aura of my own. My emotions just slipped out without me noticing, which is something I’ll need to keep an eye on. In fact, right now, I’m still using my Aura to tell everyone I love them, yet somehow delivering a unique emotion to each and every person. The love I have for Lin-Lin is different from the love I have for Ping Ping, and the same can be said for any other two people here. Everyone else responds in kind, though aside from Song who is surprisingly receptive and responding with a loving Aura of her own, no one else is tapped into their Aura. I’m simply picking up on their emotions somehow, and it’s really, really great.

Especially Mama Bun. I mean, I pretty much knew it even before she visited my Natal Palace, but having proof that the sweet bunny actually loves me is just incredible. Plus her fur just feels so velvety soft against my cheek, I just want to hug and hold her all day...

Basking in the love and affection of my family, I do what I can to assure them of my good health and ease their troubled minds. I can’t explain it in words, but I know that my problems will fade with time. The sabbatical from my mind and body took a toll on me, and adjusting my Soul to fix my Core while separated probably didn’t do me any favours either, but things will mesh back together soon enough. It’s like... putting on a new pair of glasses. Things look weird for a little bit, but eventually, the body and mind will adapt.

Lunch goes by slowly and I savour every bite of the delicious meal, the highlight of which are Tali’s delicious, Spiritual Dumplings, a dish she somehow successfully created while Mom and Charok failed. Curious as to how she accomplished this, but I expected as much from my bright, talented, hardworking niece, and I suspect she’ll have an easier time figure this out than I will. Though Tali has no love for the Martial Path, the same cannot be said in reverse, as she is beloved by the Heavens and blessed with Talent whereas poor Tate only has hard work going in his favour. It’s alright though, I was the same way, so I’m sure Tate will succeed at whatever he puts his heart into. I’d be happier if he gave up his dream of a soldier’s life and pursued a safer job instead, but regardless of his choices, I will be there to support him every step of the way.

When the meal is finally over, I spend the afternoon drifting in and out of focus while lazing about with my loved ones and following all their instructions as best I can so that they can maybe figure out what’s wrong with me. I listen to Luo-Luo’s music and lean on Mila’s shoulder, bury my cheek in Aurie’s fur while Yan strokes my hair, hold Lin-Lin’s hand and smile while Mom fusses with my hair and clothes, and sit in the comforting shade of Dad’s back as he sits with Alsantset, Akanai, and Husolt so they can watch over me in silence. Throughout it all, Charok’s warm smile and Taduk’s big grin welcomes me back from my absence, and my beloved floofs demand all my love and attention to make up for lost time.

This is my family, and I was a fool to ever abandon them.

It’s good to be back.

Chapter Meme