Savage Divinity

The breeze tickles my chin and the unexpected chill sends a jolt through my mind, as waking from a deep sleep in which I had a long, pleasant dream.

Only now that I’m awake, I realize the dream was not a dream, but rather the waking world through which I drifted about, neither wholly asleep nor entirely conscious for the last several hours. Blinking to clear my head and make sense of the situation, I sift through my recent memories only to come away with vague notions of what I’ve been up to and a growing sense of unease over my current situation. The last thing I remember consciously doing was cuddling Aurie and Mama Bun in the courtyard with Yan snuggled up beside me while we all waited for breakfast. Judging by the sunlight shining down from high above, it’s close to noon and I have no idea how I got to Taduk’s garden.

Or why I’m lying on my stomach with my face in the dirt while staring at a tiny ringed fence made of crude bamboo slats surrounding a hole in the dirt.

No wait. I think I’m lying on a blanket. Hemp, not cotton or silk. Honestly, hemp as a cloth is sorely underrated. Sure, cotton is softer and silk is buttery smooth, but sometimes, you want a nice, dense fabric to block harsh winds or even out the rocky ground, and for that, hemp is obviously the superior choice. It’s not the most comfortable fabric around, but those seem to be the only three choices in these parts, as linen isn’t really a thing. I should figure out how to make that. I bet it’d be lucrative, because everyone likes to have options when it comes to clothes, even people who don’t really care too much about fashion.

I’ll get on that as soon as I’m better, but right now, I have more pressing matters to attend to, like where did my bunny cheek warmer hop off to? I was perfectly comfortable with Banjo snoozing on top of my back and I think Aurie sitting on the back of my legs, but now that Ginger and Pepper have hopped away, I have no bunnies to bury my face into, and that makes me sad. Raising my head elicits a plaintive grunt from Banjo, unhappy that his pleasant nap has been disturbed, but I didn’t think before moving and now I can’t take it back. Sorry baby bear. I’ll stop moving, so you go back to nap now.

Gurgling in contentment as he settles back down to sleep, Banjo is lightly snoring in no time at all, though I still suffer for my lack of face floof. Luckily, my sweet wifey is nearby and notices the issue, appearing in my field of view with her bright, beatific smile, a sharp contrast to the dark glower etched into Blackjack’s tiny hare features poking out from between her hare ears. “Hiya hubby,” she says, though not in so many words, somehow communicating her customary greeting without Sending or vocalizing it. It’s just in the way her eyes widen ever so slightly as she tilts her head to one side, something I’ve seen her do a thousand times before when greeting me in the past, but I never really consciously noted the connection until now.

As if able to read my thoughts, she plants Blackjack in front of my face and gently urges the little hare to snuggle up against me, which he does as I plant a kiss on his furry little head. Even though he looks perpetually grumpy, underneath that surly expression and aloof temperament is a darling sweetheart who just loves to be loved. Resting his chin against my cheek, he thumps his feet as my fingers find his favourite scratching spots, and for a few precious moments, all is right in the world for this man and his beloved hare.

Having had his fill of scritches, Blackjack hops away before turning back to check if I’m coming along, an invitation to play which I happily accept. Remembering my promise to Banjo, I gently slip out from under his sleeping head using some form of Concealment, leaving his slumber undisturbed as I crawl after Blackjack on my hands and knees. Ecstatic to play with me again after so long, the sweet hare runs and hops about in pure, uninhibited glee, an emotion I’ve only sensed in animals and children. We haven’t even played yet and Blackjack is over the moon, which makes me feel guilty for not playing with him more. Sensing my inner turmoil and not knowing the cause, the little darling pauses mid hop and rushes back over to lightly headbutt my chin, a show of affection he learned from the bunnies which is just too adorable to resist. Before I know it, I’ve launched Blackjack high into the air, and reality rears its ugly head as prickly awareness pierces through the haze of blissful distraction and I gaze in horror of what I’ve just done.

Thankfully, Blackjack is built for high altitudes and spreads his paws out in all directions, slowing his fall enough so that he’s not hurt when I catch him after a long fall. Squirming in my hands, he excitedly paws at my hands and asks me to do it again, but my heart can’t take it because I’m still horrified by my actions. What would’ve happened if I didn’t catch him? Or if there’d been an eagle flying overhead that snatched him out of the sky? What if he panicked and I caught him badly, breaking his tiny little bones in the process? That wasn’t even remotely safe, but I acted without thinking, and now I’m stuck imagining all the worst case scenarios that could’ve happened.

I need to teach Blackjack how to keep himself safe. That’s the only way to protect him. I know you wanted to play little buddy, but it’s time for a crash course in aerial acrobatics so you can live up to your potential as a cloud chaser hare.

The world shifts to darkness then everything fades back into perception, and the first thing I notice is a hand running through my hair. Resting on top of Banjo who is resting on top of me, Lin-Lin peers down from over the snoring bear’s shoulder, telling me I am safe and loved through her actions and emotions. The fading rays of the setting sun cast her in their sublime glow, interlaced with the shadows cast by the bamboo grove, but the familiar scene leaves me wondering if I’d dreamed the whole thing with Blackjack. Sometimes, seconds feel like hours and other times hours feel like seconds, resulting in jarring jumps or abrupt stops that throw me for a loop when I least expect it.

The tiniest of snores draws my eyes down to the sleeping hare, his arms and legs splayed out in sheer exhaustion after an exciting afternoon spent racing through the treetops to harass Sarankho and the laughing birds, a memory which pops into my mind as if placed there by someone else, but I know it was real. It was neither dream or illusion, but undeniable reality, and my tenuous grip on the latter is the only reason for my doubts. While he has yet to wholly understand how to Cloud-Step, Blackjack learned his limits are much higher than he initially believed, able to climb faster and jump farther than ever before now that he’s learned to properly fall. Between his puffy, chubby cheeks and adorable aerial antics, Blackjack seems more squirrel than hare, but is far more in touch with his true self, a lesson he should’ve learned from his parents and siblings, but had to figure out all on his own instead.

I merely gave him a nudge in the right direction and shared how it felt to Cloud-Step while repeatedly launching him into the air. No words were used, only emotions and experiences, and this sparked a primal instinct inside his furry little head. It won’t be long until he figures out the rest, but whatever I did took a lot out of me, because I blanked out the next few hours and just went through the motions, the same way I drifted through the morning after...

Oh god. After teaching Tate, Tali, Luo-Luo, Yan, and Alsantset.

What the hell was I thinking? Nothing bad happened, but before my impromptu lessons, I was busy agonizing over how I’m a danger to society and more importantly, a danger to my loved ones. I just drifted through most of the day beholden only to my whimsical fancies, and while I’m fairly certain no one was hurt by my actions, I can’t say it will always be the same. While I’m not sure where on the scale of power I sit, I am, without a doubt, a formidable Martial Warrior again, only I’m not in control of my actions. What would’ve happened to Tate if I forgot we were just sparring? Or if I got distracted and forgot to stop before hitting Tali? Things could have gone horribly wrong and there’s nothing I could’ve done to prevent it, because I didn’t even realize what I was doing until right this very moment. I just watched it all play out like a dream, and like any dream, it could have easily turned into a nightmare without warning.

I might as well be a child with the worst case of ADHD ever seen and a loaded gun with no safety, a combination no one should rest easy around.

I didn’t even consider this angle until early this morning, when I woke up to find my Grand-Mentor, Grandmother, and Mother-in-Law Akanai struggling with the decision of what to do with me. Though she didn’t say as much, I could tell she knew exactly what she needed to do, but couldn’t bring herself to do it. I knew it the same way I knew Lin-Lin was saying hello, by reading Akanai’s general range of emotions which were pouring off her despite what some might call an unreadable expression.

Body language tells a lot more than most people realize. Sitting there with her weapon in hand while watching over my sleep, Akanai was of one mind, yet conflicted with regards on how to proceed. Protect her family, that was her driving impetus, and it has been for most of her life, because the People are her family, and she will do anything to keep them safe. The problem is, now there is a threat that stems from within her family, and she does not know what to do. I know this because she kept cycling between love, fear, guilt, and sorrow, all of which radiated off of her in powerful waves that Pong Pong and I can somehow sense. Ping Ping gets it too, which is how she knows who to trust and who to avoid, but I don’t think she can pick emotions up as well as I can. She didn’t even wake up when I slipped out to kill Wraiths, though I overheard someone mention how calm and relaxed she seemed, even after waking to find me missing. No idea why, but I lack the energy to care right now, because I am not entirely sure if Akanai made the right decision.

She chose to protect her family, as she always does, but in doing so, she opted to protect the very person who threatened their safety. Me.

After sensing Akanai’s inner turmoil, I took a good, long look at my thoughts and motivations, only to come away shocked and appalled. Late last night or early this morning, I sensed danger approaching in the form of strangers with ill-intent. Rather than alerting someone to this possible threat, I set out to meet it head-on, because I was delighted at the chance to stretch my legs and blow off some steam. A cute euphemism for hunt and kill, because that is exactly what I set out to do, even hiding from my wives and protectors because I didn’t want them interrupting my fun. When did I start viewing combat as fun? A long time ago, if I’m being honest, because I never feel more alive than when I’m in the midst of battle. I’m terrified of battle, and even more terrified by how much I crave it, because when I set out in the early hours of the morning to confront those intruders, I set out with the darkest of intents.

That’s how I operate now, on intent and little else. I wanted to fight and kill, so I did, and this realization terrifies me most of all.

I wasn’t nervous about heading into battle or worried for the safety of my loved ones, nor did I care who these strangers were or what their goal was. All of that was just an afterthought; I just wanted to fight for the sake of fighting, to the point where I was planning to ambush and kill them before even identifying who they were or why they were here. Granted, I got distracted at the sight of their dark, poisoned blades and they initiated hostilities by stabbing me in the gut, but what if they hadn’t? What if they were just sneaky gits moving through the darkness, with no identifying marks to speak of? Would I have stopped to question their purpose? I doubt it, because I didn’t care who they were, only that I had someone to kill, which is just wrong and horrifying. I sensed ill-intent, but if they weren’t Wraiths, they could’ve been... I dunno, spies or something. Or friendly anti-assassins, in a ‘fight fire with fire’ sort of way.

Were my actions wrong? Maybe, maybe not, but I know for a fact my intentions were, and intent matters. What if I’d misread the situation and acted before thinking things through? Plenty of people harbour thoughts of ill-intent directed towards me, but that doesn’t mean they’re all deserving of death. As I am now though, I am beholden to my whims, and last night, I was overcome with an urge to fight and kill. Again, the whole event felt like I wasn’t living my life, but watching it play out like a movie and only registering what happened after the fact. I didn’t build up the Mountain Collapsing Stomp and anticipate its use, no, I just used it without conscious thought. I harboured violent intent and unleashed significant devastation, all without it even actively considering my actions, so who’s to say I won’t do it again? What if next time, there are no convenient Wraiths converging around me? Not a scenario I’d ever care to imagine, but now I must, because it is an all-too-real possibility. How many times have I randomly wished harm on someone, without any intent whatsoever to act on it? Countless times, that’s how many, but as I am now, I’m not sure if I can differentiate between idle thought and meaningful desire.

I am a danger to the people I love, and not just because I’m afraid I might hurt them directly, but also because my actions might put them in more danger. What would have happened if I wasn’t strong enough to fight off those Wraiths? I would’ve needed help, help from my family and guards, who’d be caught off guard if I showed up out of the blue with a horde of killers hot on my heels. I could’ve warned people of the incoming danger and we could’ve taken steps to prepare, but I channelled my inner Leeroy Jenkins instead and just barely avoided a total party wipe by the skin of my teeth.

It sounds a lot less threatening when said using gaming lingo, but the reality of the situation is this: my actions put myself and my loved ones in danger, and we all could have died for it. That’s the cold hard truth, one I failed to recognize until I woke up and found Akanai wondering if she should kill me before it’s too late. I tried to tell her she should, that I would rather die than put my loved ones in danger, that she was the only one strong enough to do what needed to be done, but it didn’t work. Like the bard said, love makes fools of us all, and Akanai loves me too much to kill me, even if it might cost her everyone she loves and everything she’d ever worked for.

Then again, the bard also said, “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged cupid painted blind.” Perhaps they see something I cannot and are right to cling fast to hope, but I fear for the worst and worry they have done nothing to prepare. At a bare minimum, I should be locked away and kept under strict guard until I can control myself again, because so long as I am bound to my whims and beholden to instinct, I am a threat to everyone around me.

And so we’ve come full circle, back to where I began, worrying that I was gonna somehow fuck everything up and get someone killed or worse.

“What’s the matter?”

The world is dark as I stand alone in my room, held in place by some restrictive force. Not really, actually, I’m pretty sure I could pull myself free, but then I might wake Mila and Yan, who are both asleep in my bed. Correction: were asleep, but now they’re both awake, probably because they’re attached to the other end of my restraints, silk cloths tied loosely around my wrists and daisy chained to similar cloths tied around Mila and Yan’s wrists. While Mila grumbles and glares lovingly from her pillow, so ravishing in her tired vulnerability, Yan climbs out of bed and makes her way to my side, dazzling me with how beautiful she is, illuminated by the moonlight streaming in from the window. Sensing my adoration, there is no suspicion in her gaze, only love and concern. “Do you need to use the bathroom?”

I only register her words after the fact, at which time I find myself already seated on the toilet. One of my silken chains remains bound to my left wrist, with Yan attached to the other end as she stands just outside the door, accompanied by Mama Bun and Ping Ping in her arms while Pong Pong hides in Mama Bun’s embrace. I had them all with me when she caught me trying to sneak out, which is exactly what I was trying to do. Leave without anyone noticing, escape to somewhere I could be alone and isolated so everyone else could be safe. A lie I told myself, as if my absence would ensure safety for all, but as stupid as it sounds, I panicked and wasn’t in my right mind, not after pondering the matter for so long.

Yan and Mila bound themselves to me, just to be sure I wouldn’t slip away. They weren’t trying to restrain me, nor did they expect me to run. They just wanted to know if I left, and I think Yan still suspects I meant to flee, though I don’t think she knows why. That being said, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I tried nothingness and it didn’t work, so now I’m all out of ideas. How can they trust me so much when even I can’t control what I’ll do next? I could move to swat a fly and accidentally shatter someone’s spine, that’s how strong I am now, but neither of them seem concerned in the slightest. Come to think of it, I would expect as much from my wives, and Lin-Lin is the same, but why didn’t Alsantset freak out when I set out to teach Tate and Tali? Looking back on everything that happened, she didn’t even blink when I moved from her side, and she even signalled Naaran to stand down. She knew I wouldn’t hurt Tate, and sent Tali for another lesson, but how could she know?

A shame only Naaran has the determination to act, but lacks the authority to do so. The poor man is haunted by the echoes of past grief, so intimate and familiar with his pain it was akin to an old friend, and this morning, he saw history gearing up to repeat itself all over again. I don’t know what happened, but he lost several friends and loved ones to this pain, and is now resigned to possibly losing more. We all have our trials and tribulations, but I suppose I’m the only one who incessantly mopes and whines about it. The more I learn about the struggles of the people around me and how well they deal with it, the more I am convinced that I was never meant for this world, but I’m here now and I’ve come to love it, so I’ve no choice left but to adapt. The alternative is to fail and die, which wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but I’d really rather not. I want more time with my loved ones, more snuggles with my floofs, more floofs to love, and just... more.

“Rain?” Reaching out to take my hand, Mila watches me with hopeful eyes, hope that slowly fades away as I fail to respond. A new day has dawned, though seeing how Mila is up, it’s probably closer to noon. Maybe even later, considering she doesn’t look like she just woke up, all bright eyed and alert as she radiates strength and beauty. Her love and concern are so overwhelming, it takes long seconds for me to snap out of my thoughts and register what she’s saying, but by then, she’s already done speaking and has moved on to other things, though the pain of being ignored will stay with her for some time. She knows I don’t mean to do it, but it hurts her all the same, a message which comes in loud and clear even as I struggle to parse through her words.

“Seems I caught you at a bad time, beloved,” she whispers, clutching my hand oh so tight and rejoicing when I unconsciously squeeze back. Though she failed to catch my full attention, she knows I love her dearly and can see it pouring out of my eyes as I lose myself in her gaze, so she forgives me for my transgression before continuing with what she came here to say. “I don’t know what’s going through your mind to make you feel so worried and hopeless, but know that I am here for you. We’re all here for you, every last one of us, so don’t be your usual idiotic self and try to get through this all alone. We’re your family and your people, because we are the People, and we look out for our own.” Smiling as she touches my hand to her cheek, she sighs and shakes her head. “Then again, I don’t think you ever approved of that sort of divide, differentiating between the People and the rest of the Empire. So many of us thought you were distant and aloof, myself included, thought that your time apart from us kept you from seeing yourself as one of the People. I even resented you for it a little, because why would you go so far for commoners who weren’t your own and refuse to treat your own People better?”

Mila falls silent as she waits for a response that will not come, for I had yet to tear myself away from her beautiful eyes and the wealth of emotions portrayed within. Kissing my fingers, she gently places my hand back down atop Banjo’s head before picking something up from beside her. “I was wrong. You don’t limit your kindness to the People, but instead want to help those less fortunate than us, which is admirable in its own right. We would be wrong to try and limit your love to just the tribe you were born to, but I also know you will never mistreat us, because you have so much love to share.” Holding something up in the palms of her hands, she continues, “Just remember what I said though. I am here for you. We all are. You might be capable of wonderful miracles, but no man is a pillar unto himself. If the burden of shouldering the Heavens grows too wearisome, just know you have people you can rely on to help share the load.”

In her hands, she holds my sword, complete with a new sheath, hilt, and pommel, and it feels so different from before. Despite using this weapon for so long, I never properly appreciated the craftsmanship behind it, not until I had to reforge it on my own. The naked blade itself is not perfectly balanced, because it was crafted with the added weight of the hilt and pommel in mind. Mila has chosen her materials perfectly down to the last milligram, and the sword feels alive in the palm of my hand. That’s because the tang of the blade sits flush with the edge of the hilt, enabling me to have skin to metal contact with the blade, a point further emphasized by how the hilt’s decorative wrapping runs through the cold metallic tang by way of slits left in the metal for this very reason. The end result is metals, wood, and ribbon all woven together in absolute harmony, and while there’s no arguing that the metallic blade and tang constitutes the majority of Peace, the Spiritual Weapon was incomplete without the practical sheathe, wooden hilt, weighted pommel, and decorative ribbon laced around the hilt, all of which Mila has now provided.

My beloved wife has already left by the time I process this all, and I look up to find the courtyard awash in the orange-red rays of the setting sun. I have a faint recollection of resting in Mila’s arms on our way back from the bamboo grove, and a general sense of worry and unease, but I cannot for the life of me pin down any specifics. Did we take the carriage or did I ride on Zabu? Was I holding Mama Bun and Pong Pong, or were my hands empty save for Peace? Someone rode on my head, I think, probably Roc or one of the fledglings, but I can’t remember any of them ever doing that before. Glancing down at Peace in my hands, I am sure of one thing though, that I have yet to draw the blade because I’m still worried I’ll hurt someone I love with it.

A finger to the cheek brings me out of my thoughts, and I see Lin-Lin’s puffed up pout as she glowers down at me from above, peering over Banjo’s shoulder once more. No wait, that’s Baloo’s shoulder, and the day is bright and sunny again, which means I just skipped through an entire night. At least, I hope it’s only been a single night, which gives me something else to fret about, whether my mind will drift off for days or weeks at a time. Good god, this is utterly exhausting, or at least it is once I remember what’s happening.

Pressing both her palms against my cheeks, Lin-Lin squeezes hard and glares in mock anger, jolting me out of my depressive thoughts once more. “Don’t be silly hubby,” she’s saying, again not with her words but with her actions and emotions. “Stop thinking so much and just be happy, ya?”

If only it were so easy. I don’t know how she does it, because while my sweet wifey is as sharp as a tack, she’s also the happiest and most carefree person I know. That’s what drew me to her in the first place, her ability to just let sleeping dogs lie and not sweat the small stuff. I don’t know how she does it, stay so cheery all the time, even when she’s angry or scared, and I wish I could be more like her. Just seeing her angelic expression is enough to set my mind at ease, because her presence reminds me that all is not wrong with the world, and I bask in the relief while I still can.

Oh right. I should thank Mila. She’s nearby, to my right playing with Princess and Guai-Guai. Baloo isn’t sleeping, he’s just cuddling, so he’ll understand if I get up. Someone else is sitting on my legs, Aurie I thought, but it isn’t, because Li-Li is brushing him across from us. It doesn’t matter, whoever it is won’t mind too much, though I sense a bit of unhappiness at the disturbance. Pausing to headbutt Jimjam on my way over to Mila, I wrap my arms around her and share my love with her, and though she radiates love back at me, I also sense an underlying sadness and misery permeate through her as she leans into my embrace.

There is pain in her eyes as she gazes into mine, and her words fail to register until I tear myself away. “Oh beloved,” she said, so full of tender love and affection. “Is this truly how you truly feel? That you don’t deserve me, or anyone who loves you? You idiot.”

It’s true though. I don’t deserve any of them, but much like Peace, I am incomplete on my own. My family completes me, which is why I’m still here even though I am terrified I might accidentally hurt them. I’ve already seen what happens when I try to run away; I spiral into depression and apathy. If I am to have any chance of making it through these coming trials and tribulations, I need my family beside me.

As if seeing my worst fears confirmed, I find myself standing in the courtyard while Mila and Yan say their goodbyes. They’re leaving to meet up with their respective retinues and ride out to war, because the Wraith attack on me was only the beginning. The Defiled are out in full force again, marching on the Citadels and pressing the attack on multiple fronts. The mountain passes through Shen Jin are teeming with Defiled and Wraiths, desperately searching for an unguarded path into the North, while the outskirts of the Arid Wastes are much the same. The Western Wall has also come under attack at multiple points, and my wives have been called upon to defend the Empire once more. I should be there fighting by their sides, but I can’t go out there like this. I was lucky and sensed the attack coming, but who knows if it’ll play out the same way the second, third, or fourth time around. Rustram is also here to pay his respects to his Mentor, and Mom is brimming with pride for her one and only Disciple. As well she should, because after I helped him cheat his way to a Domain, Rustram remembered that feeling and found success on his own, allowing him to stand alongside the likes of Han BoShui, Lu Jia Zian, Tam Taewoong, and Ryo Geom-Chi on his own merits.

Sai Chou is here as well, making herself unobtrusive as she leans against a pillar in the corner, but I can sense Yan’s enmity from a mile away. Why doesn’t she like Rustram’s lady love? Sai Chou shares her fondness for short hair, tight clothes, and foul language, so similar in many ways except for two obvious...

Oh. I figured out why Yan doesn’t like Sai Chou. Because she thinks Sai Chou is her with bigger boobs. As if I would ever leave Yan for someone else, much less try to steal someone from a brother like Rustram, but jealousy is hardly rational.

My arms close around Yan’s waist and I hug her from behind, interrupting her farewell with Grandpa Du. I love everything about Yan, and I need her to know it, and though I don’t have the time to parse through what she’s saying, I feel like she understands the message well enough judging by her embarrassed laugh and loving embrace. Not wanting to take too much time away from Grandpa Du’s farewell, even though I know he’s going to follow Yan in secret to protect her and Kyung, I head over to share the same message with Mila, who I assume calls me an idiot before stealing a kiss when she thinks no one else is looking. Even with one eye, nothing escapes Husolt’s notice, and though he’s happy his daughter has found love, it’s a bittersweet experience for a father who loves his daughter so, knowing he’s been replaced as the most important man in his daughter’s life.

My condolences are tinged with smug satisfaction, which earns me a rough knuckling to the scalp, but Husolt means well and I love him too much to hold it against him.

Plus, I kinda deserve it.

I should help him fix his eye.

Something calls to me from outside the manor, outside the District even, a signal so loud it drowns out everything else. There is no malice or deception to the call, only hope and adoration, so I cannot help but head over to investigate. A single step brings me out of the manor and beyond the District walls, where I find an army camped on the plains and waiting for their commanders to come pick them up. The soldiers bustle about in readiness to move, brimming with frenetic energy and burning anticipation even though it might be days or weeks before they fight. For a short while, I stand unnoticed in the crowd, but soon someone recognizes me and word spreads quickly as I find myself standing before a crowd of adoring stares.

Though their hushed whispers are beyond my comprehension, I can feel admiration, devotion, and even reverence pouring off of them in waves, battering me from all sides as I stand lost in thought and confusion. Why are they so happy to see me? I’m terrible with names, but I’m pretty good at remembering faces, and I don’t recognize any of the Warriors here before me. I’ve never seen or spoken to any of them, not one on one at least, so why are they acting like I am their personal hero and saviour?

The answer soon reveals itself as my eyes adjust themselves to see beyond what lies before me, thousands of my severed Natal Souls whispering into the ears of the Warriors on these plains. These are the Irregulars who I helped become Martial Warriors, and they believe... no, they know I had some part in it, because they hear my voice whispering in their ears to reveal the secrets of the Heavens above. I did not think things through and figured they’d chalk it all up to Insight, but I forgot I am about as subtle as a brick hidden in a sock. My Natal Soul’s probably introduced themselves as ‘Definitely not Falling Rain’, complete with fake glasses, nose, and moustache.

Mm. I don’t know how to feel about having so many devotees, but considering my Natal Souls aren’t dissuading them from worshipping me, I evidently enjoy the veneration on at least some level. I mean, who doesn’t want to be admired in some way? Plus, I have a hero complex in that I believe I am here in this world for a reason, that I am meant to do great things and change the world for the better. Only then will my suffering have meant anything, which is yet another reason why I failed in my pursuit of the Eight-Fold Path and Nirvana. Not only was my interpretation flawed, but I myself was not ready to proceed along it, because I had yet to forsake the three Desires, of which permanence, or fame, is one of them.

It occurs to me I could probably Devour all these Natal Souls and be better off for it, but then where would that leave these Martial Warriors? No, no man is an island, and I will need stalwart soldiers to fight alongside me, and these three-thousand and eighty three individuals will follow me into the Father’s Maw if I only ask it, because they fight for the same reasons I do. Though this is technically their first tour of duty as Martial Warriors, they are already heroes one and all, because they were willing to face the Enemy armed with only courage alone, which makes them some of the bravest people I know.

Cupping my fist, I offer them all a Martial salute and bow in thanks for their service, a gesture which they return in the same manner. Some will live and others will die, but every last one of them will give their all in this war against the Enemy, and I can only hope I am able to meet their lofty expectations. Turning to Naaran who followed me out, I nod in thanks and head back to the manor to finish saying my goodbyes.

The next few days are a blur as I grapple with the hole in my chest, one left by the absence of so many loved ones. Mila, Yan, Mom, Dad, Alsantset, Akanai, and more, they all marched off to war and left me behind. I miss them all dearly, but I can hardly follow after them as I am, so I should be happy I still have Lin-Lin and Li-Li here to keep me company, alongside Taduk, Charok, and the twins. Luo-Luo went back to the Citadel, unable to stay away for so long, adding more to a debt of gratitude I can hardly hope to repay. This aside, the absence of so many loved ones proves just how vital they are to me, because I need their help before I can recover.

Wait.

How do I know that? I mean, I understand the basic concept, that it’s all about Balance. I need my family’s love, care, and affection to Balance out all the negativity I puked up and swallowed back again. The thing is, how do I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this is true? I was never in doubt of this one singular fact, a truth I just knew and accepted because...

Because this knowledge did not come from me.

It came from the Heavens, in the form of Insight.

That’s not the only Insight I’ve had recently. How did I ‘fix’ my Core? How did I sense the Wraiths’ approaching? How did I slip out under the cloak of Concealment and Cloud-Step away? How did I unleash the Mountain Collapsing Stomp? How did I know those former Irregulars were out on the plains? Even my teaching moments were all initiated by moments of Insight, wherein I saw something I knew was wrong and knew exactly how to fix it, even if I didn’t really understand what was wrong in the first place.

Helpful as it might be, I don’t like Insight. It gives me answers, but doesn’t show me the work. It tells me the alphabet goes from A to Z, but doesn’t reveal all the letters in between, so how the hell am I supposed to use this information to learn how to read? That’s my gripe with Insight, and as wonderful and miraculous as it is, I would much prefer to have comprehension. Now that I think about it, I believe comprehension is absolutely vital if one wishes to follow the correct Path, even if I’m not sure what that Path might be, mostly because I lack comprehension. It’s a vicious cycle, one that has roots in my insatiable curiosity, but my experience with Ping Ping’s ascension seems to corroborate my conclusions. While I remember very little of what happened, I do remember Panacea was involved in some way, though I called it by another name. I also remember thinking Ping Ping’s Path wasn’t entirely correct either, that it was inherently flawed in some way, similar to the flaws in the Martial Path. This doesn’t mean the Eight-Fold Path is right either, nor do I know which Path is the right one, but I believe something is driving all living creatures towards the same ultimate goal, except we’re all doing it in less than ideal ways.

My current issues are troublesome, but I think I know how to fix it. I think I’ve known since I reforged Peace. The basic premise is simple enough really. Whatever the problem is, it stems from a disconnect between my body, mind, and soul. Somewhere along all the connections, something isn’t working right, but to fix it, all I have to do is what I did when fixing my reformed Core or calling down the storm over the Central plains. I just... did it. I wanted the Defiled gone and my Core fixed, but I didn’t sit down and plan out all the details, I just directed the Energy of the Heavens to work and it knew exactly what needed to be done.

This proves that the concept behind panacea works on more than just the physical body, which means it can probably fix what’s wrong with me right now and make me functional again, but I haven’t done this yet because somehow, I know it would be wrong. Not morally wrong, or even factually wrong, because it would technically be a working solution, but still just... wrong. Even though Insight tells me this is possible, at the same time, it’s also warning me that Insight is not enough. I almost died to those Wraiths, and only defeated them because one, I reforged Peace, and two, they kept moving in stupidly obvious ways and acting all surprised when I cut them down. They were fast and strong, but they left a lot of openings that were fairly easy to catch, and I’m not entirely sure why. Either way, if they were Demons or even Defiled Champions, I don’t think I would’ve walked away with my life intact, and I’d be even weaker than I am now if I were to fix my Core using the Panacea method.

Don’t ask me how I know I’d be weaker. I just know it. As I am, I space out a lot, but I also have easier access to Insight, access I’m fairly certain I’d lose if I use Panacea to fix myself. Insight is not enough. Comprehension is necessary if I want to come out of this stronger than before I shattered my Core, meaning I need to know why I’m broken and how to fix myself if I want to progress further along my Path. This means I need answers, answers which will lead to more questions, but who can I turn to and ask?

...

Oh.

Right.

Reaching up to pat the beak resting on my head, I turn around to see Kukku nestled up against me. The silly rooster has been here all along, or at least as long as I can remember, but he wanted to play hide and seek and did a damn fine job of it. I think he showed up after the Wraith attack, because he was definitely there the morning after, sitting on my legs while I lay on the hemp mat, because now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure Aurie was out to market with Mila picking out the materials she needed to complete Peace. Mischief glints in Kukku’s eyes as he chortles at his great joke, finding much amusement from hiding in plain sight all this time, but if he’s here, then that means someone else is here to watch over him.

“Eh-Mi-Tuo-Fuo,” comes the standard greeting, the meaning clear as day despite my inability to parse through language. Praise to the Heavens, and all the mysteries within, an acknowledgement of the complexities of the Dao and the endless nuances they contain. How do I understand this? I’m not entirely sure, but my best guess is that the meaning behind the four-syllable greeting has been ingrained in Monk Happy’s voice and body, allowing me to understand without actually understanding. Standing there with his customary smile, he says nothing else as he understands why I called for him, because I am finally ready to leave with him and seek out the answers I so desire. That is the Brotherhood’s original purpose after all, a community of like-minded answer seekers who banded together to share their collective knowledge of the Dao. Now I seek to add my knowledge to theirs, and hopefully come away with a suitable answer.

Thinking to bid Lin-Lin farewell, I find her waiting by my side with a rucksack over her shoulder and Guard Leader standing by her side. Next to them is Li-Li sitting in a wagon with all my pets, while Charok holds Tali and Tate in his arms as they bid me a teary goodbye. No idea how they all knew I was going to leave before I did, but I assume it has something to do with my lack of subtlety, or maybe Monk Happy figured I’d arrive at this conclusion and prepared them all for the eventuality. I might’ve even been broadcasting my intent for all to hear, I’m not entirely sure how this works. Despite this, I still try to convince Lin-Lin to stay, as it’ll probably be dreadfully boring at the monastery with no fun to be had. In response to my unspoken plea, my wifey merely points at Li-Li, who I now realize cannot be separated from my side, which means if Li-Li can go with me, then so can Lin-Lin, or at least that’s how my wifey sees it.

It’s crazy how well we communicate without words, almost magical even, but it makes me love her all the more.

As Guard Leader readies to carry the wagon and Monk Happy plucks a reluctant Jorani out from the shadows, Lin-Lin leaps onto my back with a wild grin, emanating anticipation and excitement all the while. Not willing to disappoint, I look to Monk Happy and follow him off into the skies, delighting in Lin-Lin’s elated shrieks as we Cloud-Step out of the District and across the Central Plains.

I am not running away, not this time. Instead, I’m chasing after answers with some of my loved ones at my side, and will reunite with the rest once I am whole again. The Brotherhood may or may not have the answers I seek, but even if I must walk my own Path, I now realize the greatest lie the Father or Imperial Clan ever told.

We each forge our own Path, this much is true, but this doesn’t mean we need to go at it alone. A little love and support goes a long way, and I am more loved and supported than most. That is my true blessing, the blessing of loving family and caring friends to stand with me through this arduous lifetime of trials and tribulations.

And thank the Heavens for that.

Chapter Meme

Chapter Meme 2

- End of Volume 36 -