Savage Divinity

Why am I here?

A question that has plagued me since I first opened my amber eyes and took in this strange and unfamiliar world, but right now, I am asking in a more direct sense, as in why am I here in the monastery, staring at the bare walls of my borrowed room instead of back in the Citadel where I belong. Well, I’m here for answers, of which I’ve received precious few. Not because the Brotherhood lacks answers, but because I am unable to ask my questions, questions which remained locked behind my inability to speak whole sentences. Things would be so much easier if I took a trip into someone’s Natal Palace, but I have no idea how to actually do that. Every single time I’ve tried, it’s ended in complete failure, and those few successes I have under my belt were all the result of chance and happenstance. I didn’t mean to slip into Dagen’s Natal Palace, much less Bei’s or Yo Ling’s, I just touched them and poof, I was there. I did intend to slip into Mahakala’s Natal Palace, but I have no idea how I managed it. I just touched him and poof, I was there, without any real transition in between. It was the same with everyone else, though the circumstances differed slightly, with Dagen being under the influence of a Demonic dream attack, while with Bei and Yo Ling, I was dying from a shower of Demonic Ichor and being choked out respectively.

Now that I think about it, with Dagen and Mahakala, an argument could be made to say that their respective Natal Palaces were under assault, which was why I was able to make my way inside. As for Bei, she’d turned Demon and was holding open house in her Natal Soul, while Yo Ling was taking audience with all those Spectres. All of them pretty much had their doors wide open, so I suppose that explains why I could just saunter right in, and also why I could never get into anyone else’s Natal Palace, because they weren’t accepting visitors. In fact, that’s probably how I got into Ping Ping’s Natal Palace too, because she loves having all her friends over for a visit, though I’m not sure if her Natal Palace is still intact after her ascension to Divinity. As for Pong Pong, he is the sole flaw in my theory, as I’m not entirely sure if the suspicious turtle would’ve just... let me in that first time I visited. In fact, I wasn’t even trying to visit his Natal Palace that first time. I was trying to get into mine, and somehow, I slipped into his instead. No idea how that worked out, but I think I’m onto something.

Much like Spectres need to be invited in for tea, I need to be invited in before I can visit someone’s Natal Palace, but the question is, how do I get one of the monks to invite me in or accept an invitation from me?

Prompted by an unvoiced thought, I turn around to find Mama Bun hopping a circuit around the edge of my bed much to Guai Guai’s grumpy chagrin, while Ping Ping pivots about to watch the show. Sitting atop her head, Pong Pong ignores their antics and watches me in quiet concern, radiating no Aura yet somehow embodying his emotions nonetheless. Noticing my attention, Mama Bun does one last hop and wiggles her entire body in mid-air before planting her feet after the landing. Staring at me with expectant eyes, she silently asks if it’s time to play, even though it’s night time and she should be getting ready to sleep. Then again, she did spend all day napping, so I suppose she isn’t all that tired, though I have no idea why she’s messed up her sleep schedule these past few weeks. Turning abruptly, Mama Bun hops over Guai Guai and slams her front paws on my pillow before facing me again, telling me to hurry up and lie down for some strange reason. I’ve gotten a lot better at reading animal body language, or at least the body language of these specific animals, but they still don’t make all that much sense. I thought Mama Bun wanted to play, so why is she telling me to sleep?

Whatever. Animals be animals. You know what? I might as well sleep on all this. Song is concerned about the Western Wall and Shuai Jiao seizing power, but honestly, what does she expect me to do about it? In fact, so long as the Marshals and other Colonel Generals are okay with taking orders, I’m sure Shuai Jiao will do a far better job than I ever could, especially if Luo-Luo didn’t care enough to contest the decision. The man is a decorated Colonel General with more years of experience than I have years alive, and that’s probably counting my first life too. Everything I know and hear about him tells me Shuai Jiao is a humble and honourable man who serves his country with distinction, so if he thinks the Defiled raids are of no consequence, then who am I to argue otherwise? I’m sure he won’t leave the Districts out to dry and will see to it that the citizens living there are moved somewhere safe, but while it stings to see all my hard work undone, a blow to my pride is a small price to pay to keep people alive.

Crawling into bed with a yawn, I settle in as Ping Ping, Guai-Guai, and Mama Bun find the most comfortable spots to rest, while Pong Pong slips into Mama Bun’s embrace. Pulling the rough, scratchy blanket up to my chin, I rub my cheeks against soft bunny fur, scratchy red panda whiskers, and smooth turtle skin with a sigh as we all sink into the soothing darkness of the Void, where peaceful happy dreams await us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s clearly something wrong with my soul, which is why I forget everything that takes place in my Natal Palace every night, but I’m beginning to think there’s something wrong with my brain as well, something not even Panacea can fix. I am an idiot, one beyond all redemption, because somehow, despite all the seemingly obvious clues laid out before me, I still have yet to even suspect something is amiss with what happens when I sleep. I don’t understand it, even Song and Lin-Lin have noticed, because they stopped letting me monopolize all the floofs every night. I guess because I’m happier now than I was when I first returned to consciousness, so they no longer see a need to give up on their floofy cuddles, but somehow my conscious self didn’t even notice the change.

Gotta say, I kinda miss curling up with so many bun-buns at once, but Lin-Lin seems intent on making up for lost time through sheer quantity of floofs. A woman after my own heart, and I love her too much to fight her for floofs, so the way forward is clear: I need more floofs.

Not really, but what’s with my attitude out there? Song straight up told me the Western Wall has come under attack, and my response was to sleep on it? I mean, I guess I wasn’t wrong when I figured Shuai Jiao would have things under control, but dammit... I spent so much coin building districts and training militias, an investment which is now completely wasted. Let’s not forget the costs of getting all the civilians to safety, because without military support, the districts don’t stand a chance against even a small Defiled raiding party. Why didn’t my idea work? Eight to ten Aura-Capable officers commanding a hundred soldiers and two to three thousand militia should’ve been able to hold out against hundreds of Defiled raiders. I ran the numbers with Luo-Luo and had Jian Xianhe double check them, so there should be more than enough soldiers around to fulfill those requirements with plenty left to man the Western Wall. What’s more, the intermediary barracks/training stations should’ve been operational by now, meaning there would be soldiers nearby to reinforce the Districts anyways, so what went wrong?

This is my wounded pride speaking now, and while conscious me had it right in thinking it was a small price to pay, I would still rather not have to pay it unless absolutely necessary. My plans should have worked, so unless Song left something out, then something is amiss in the outer provinces. Could Shuai Jiao be a hidden proponent of big military, one who has no desire to see the common people seize power from the nobility? No, it’d make more sense if he wanted to spare them from the bloodshed that lies ahead. Once the common people realize they have fangs, they will be eager to use them against those who wronged them, and while my crossbows are a great equalizer, they alone are not enough to overturn the Empire. While I don’t have a specific date as to when someone first tried attaching a bow to a stock, crossbows have been around for a long time, and I’m sure other people have tried this before. Didn’t Song once mention a Grand Marshal trying to assassinate the Emperor with one? I can’t remember.

Regardless, the true key to revolution is literacy, because only then will the common people have a voice. Personal journals, newspaper articles, literary observations, or even everyday record keeping, literacy will open up a treasure trove of information for the common people to wield against their oppressors. Not only that, but literacy is the first step on the path of education, and an educated populace is a more valuable populace, because they can contribute in more ways than mere muscle. There will always be a need for miners, coolies, sailors, construction workers, and other types of manual labour, but literate commoners could also become clerks, bankers, quartermasters, doctors, and more. With literacy, this also opens up paths to more skilled workers down the line, as one can learn a trade from a book and personal experimentation as opposed to relying solely on apprenticeships, which is most effective if you find yourself a skilled tradesmen who is also a good teacher, but how often do you find those?

Bah. Why am I getting so heated about this? I keep dreaming about saving the world and making it a better place, but chances are, I will live and die without having changed a thing. That’s just life, trials and tribulations without end, and while my best chance to enact change was as Legate of the Outer Provinces, I’m not in any condition to take command. Unless I’m ready to bite the bullet and let Panacea fix my Core as a subpar solution, I should stop bitching about things I can’t affect and focus on my recovery. Honestly, I don’t really know why I’m so averse to letting the Heavens or whatever fix all my woes, aside from the fact that I know it will be an inferior solution and that I can do better.

Or maybe it’s because I don’t trust the Heavens not to screw me over and saddle me with some massive drawback. “Oh hey, we fixed everything that was wrong with you, but it’s a brand new Core so you gotta start from the beginning again. Tee hee.” Sounds exactly like what the Heavens would do, which is why I rejected all their bullshit in the first place and set out to make my own Path. Technically, all Martial Warriors forge their own paths, but perspective matters. I mean to do things my way, and even if I fail, then better to fail pursuing my own goals rather than find success solely through Insight without comprehension. That’s not personal preference either, that’s Insight giving me the facts straight, that most Martial Warriors fail to progress due to lacking comprehension.

The way I see it, it’s like getting a new computer. I could take the easy way and buy a prebuilt computer, but I always liked to build my own, because then I knew everything I put in was suited to my needs. My computers weren’t necessarily better or even cheaper than prebuilts, but they were uniquely mine and that meant something.

You know, now that I think about it, I’m probably not too far off the mark with my fears regarding the easy solution either. Not with my personification of the Heavens or the Mother Above, but with my reluctance to accept the default fix. If the Natal Palace sits within the Core, and I crafted my Natal Palace while my Core was shattered, then my massive Natal Palace might well be the reason for the disconnect between my mind, body, and soul. Previously, I always felt my limits approaching whenever my Natal Palace grew too... not large, not dense, but too... ponderous for my Core, and then I could build no more, but since I built this Natal Palace separate from my Core, I never learned what those limits were. In short, it’s like I’m trying to squeeze my body into a tux fitted for a leaner, shorter, version of myself and complaining about a lack of circulation. My soul is just not the right match for my Core, and the easy solution would be to lose weight, meaning shave my soul down until it fits.

On the other hand, I suppose if I wait long enough, my Core will eventually grow large enough to fit this Natal Palace inside, which might well be an acceptable solution if I wasn’t so pressed for time. I could always tear my current Natal Palace down as a test to see if my theory is right, but I feel like that would be a path of no return. Out here, I have easy access to Insight which is why I’m able to come up with answers out of nowhere, but once my soul and Natal Palace are all tucked back inside my Core, I’ll lose that connection to Insight and might not be able to separate from my Core again, and given how Shen ZhenWu said I seemed ‘diminished’ after my first Natal Palace remodelling effort, I get the feeling that a smaller Natal Palace is bad for Martial Strength.

That’s plenty of food for thought, but first... it’s playtime with Mama Bun, Ping Ping, and Pong Pong. Balance is important, and I’ve made them wait long enough. A shame Guai Guai can’t join us yet, but he is technically still a baby, so I guess his soul isn’t up to the task yet. Maybe. I dunno.

The three sweet animals make their delight known as they appear within my Natal Palace, and we spend hours playing in the water park I had built for this very purpose. We have the Launcher, which lobs the rider and a globe of water from one end of the lake to the other. Then there’s the Riptide Causeway, where you lean back and let the currents take you for a thrilling ride, the Tsunami Surge, which creates giant tidal waves to ride around, and the Jet-Set Stream, which is like one of those display fountains that shoots up streams of water in aesthetic patterns, only cranked up to eleven and powerful enough to carry us high up into the air.

Yes, I understand having all these attractions and more makes it more difficult for my Natal Palace to reintegrate with my Core, but playtime is vital to my recovery. After years of stress and hard work, I am finally remembering how to relax again, and playing with Ping Ping, Pong Pong, and Mama Bun is a big part of it. Balance in all things, right? Song and Happy are worried that I’m too focused on the good vibes and forgetting the bad, but what they don’t know is I Devoured a whole bunch of bad juju back in the Citadel, in the form of my Negative Nancy Natal Souls which I unleashed upon the world once I ran out of good vibes to sever. Granted, I have no idea how to even know when I’ve Balanced out all the good and bad, because it’s not like I have an internal counter measuring the two. It’s more of a feeling I’m looking for, one I may or may not have experienced before, but until I find it, I won’t know how I’m supposed to feel, which means I need to keep looking until I find it.

Or you know... find someone to guide me in the right direction, which is really why I’m here in the first place.

My conscious mind was on the right track, but too fixated on inviting the monks in. Can’t I just go find a monk and ask for an invitation from them?

Once Mama Bun is all played out, I gather her up in my arms and call Ping Ping and Pong Pong over to me. Though the turtles are not quite ready to call it quits, they understand that Mama Bun can’t stay for as long as they can, because her soul is simply not as strong. Maybe strong is the wrong word, but it’s the best I’ve got, since I don’t really understand much about how things work, I only know how it is. So annoying, all this Insight business, but it’s all I have to work with and it’s better than nothing. Working on Insight alone, I bring the animals out of my Natal Palace and back to their respective bodies, though I suppose it’s more like I stopped holding onto them and let the currents bring them back to where they belong. Once my guests are all safe, sound, and sleeping, I step out into the Void on a whim to see where it leads me and hopefully find a friendly monk to talk to.

Only to encounter a barricade of Spectres waiting outside my door.

The grotesque apparitions slaver and snap as I come into view, and one inhuman brute launches itself at me, so full of hatred and hunger it shocks me to my core. Moving without thinking, I retreat back to my Natal Palace and slam the gates shut behind me, before descending to the safe waters of my Natal Lake. The gentle waves lap away my fear and anxiety and drag it down in the dark, fathomless depths to be discarded out in the void. Why were there so many Spectres just waiting outside? Is it because of my Natal... Fissure (I refuse to keep calling it an Anus), dropping all those good and bad vibes out into the Void where it is immediately gobbled up by those lurking scavengers? Or were they waiting there for me, in hopes of feasting on my unsuspecting soul? A combination of both perhaps, or maybe there are other reasons I’ve overlooked, but regardless of the real answer, it’s clear I can’t go gallivanting about as a soul.

Which leaves me only one option really, something I probably should’ve tried first.

Once the waters have washed away the worst of my woes, I head up the skyscraper and back to my fortress of solitude where I allow myself a moment to take in the sights. The water park sinks down into the lake, as I designed it to, because while it’s all fun and games when Mama Bun and the turtles come to visit, the slides, waterfalls, roller-coasters, and bumper boats really ruin the ambience of my Natal Palace. I’m not gonna lie, it probably cost me something to even make the water park, and I might’ve been better served putting that time and effort towards other pursuits, but I don’t feel all too bad about my decision. The water park serves no purpose besides fun, not like the lake itself, my old keystones, or even the skyscraper surrounded by the People’s half-completed village, with mountains and forests off in the distance, but it does represent a part of who I have become, a floof loving maniac with more power than sense. The Natal Palace is a milestone along the Martial Path, but somehow, I don’t think it’s true purpose is a setting to train with Chi skills as so many others have claimed, or as a means to memorize swathes of information with minimal effort. Those are just incidental benefits that come along with it, but I am still unsure what the Natal Palace’s true purpose really is, or why I have this constant urge to occupy my throne at all times to hold it against would-be intruders.

Throne seems a grand word for my office chair, the one I sit in while using my computer, but Lin-Lin used it to describe Pong-Pong’s coral bed and the term stuck with me. Also, Yo Ling had an actual throne, which seems a bit too on the nose, but that’s neither here nor there. Taking my seat without pomp or pageantry, I boot up the PC and open journal.txt to peruse, the routine so engraved into my soul I’m not even surprised by it anymore. There’s no need to actually read the document, as it is merely a spiritual representation of my misplaced musings, and simply opening the document is enough to ‘remember’ everything I’d placed inside, but I still sit and stare at the screen while I process my memories and try not to wither away with the shame of my own stupidity.

This is not the first time I’ve ventured out into the void, and my previous encounters went much less smoothly. Those Spectres have been there for as long as I can remember, though why, I cannot say. What I do know is that every now and then, I get the urge to step outside before checking journal.txt, because I’m dumb and do things on a whim when I would be better served by thinking things through. I obsessively plan in my downtime because I know I’m not great at thinking in the heat of the moment. I need to have my decisions prepared in advance, because if left to my own devices, I will walk headlong into every trap in front of me because I get fixated on the end goal and forget to watch my feet. Somehow, I feel like this is how I’ve been all my life, both this one and the last, a bookish introvert who likes to turn off his brain because sometimes things get too complicated. Am I smart? Debatable. I learn things quickly, but I made terrible decisions, so I’m not sure which side of the line I’d come down on.

If a smart person makes stupid decisions, are they still smart? What about a stupid person who follows good advice? Are they still stupid? I wanna say no in both cases, but I suppose it depends on your definition of smart.

Regardless of my own lacking intelligence, the journal doc tells me that there is nothing I can do to fight the Spectres, not out in the Void. Why this might be, I don’t know, only that I have no power over anything out there and they hunger for my Spiritual flesh. Otherwise, the doc is filled mostly with my own thoughts and theories, but without someone to bounce them off of, they’re mostly just musings that trail off into nowhere. I can speculate all I want, but without more information than I already have, all I can come up with are best guesses and conjectures. Since strolling out into the Void as a soul is out of the question, I need to question a monk in person, but when I regain consciousness, I won’t remember coming up with the bright idea to do this. Thus, I am stuck in an impasse, wherein I know what I need to do, but lack the ability to follow through. I need to get my physical self to meet up with a monk, preferably the Abbot because I trust him the most, and somehow finagle my way into their Natal Palace.

Ew. No. Find a way to solicit an invitation into their Natal Palace. Yes, that sounds much better than finagle.

For all intents and purposes, I might as well have split myself in two again, an inner Rain and outer Rain who can only communicate in one direction. I, inner Rain, know everything outer Rain does and thinks, but he doesn’t even know I exist. In fact, outer Rain doesn’t even know about his Natal Palace, because the dumb shit hasn’t even thought to try meditating while he’s awake. There’s simply never been any need to meditate, because if he needs Chi, he just Devours it when necessary, though thus far, he’s been smart enough to do it slowly over time rather than fill his Core all at once. The last time we did that, we scared off all the Spectres and even alerted the nearby Divinities, so it would be best if we stayed off everyone’s radar until we are no longer beholden to our whims.

...My whims. Mine. Not ours. There is no we, only me. I hate multiple personalities man, because the next thing I know, I’ll be sporting a moustache and goatee while plotting the downfall of my counterpart.

Wait. Why am I the evil one in my imagined scenario? Probably because I still think of myself as an intruder, while outer me is all sugar and sweetness with his love of floofs. Some things just never change man. This is why I can’t use Natal Souls anymore, because they can’t be trusted. The last thing I need is to have another me running the show, one who might well be tainted with all my gloom and doom and not enough happiness and good cheer. I’m super worried about the damage my severed Natal Souls might cause, but other than the ones present inside the Northern Citadel all those days ago, I’ve no way to really track down and Devour the rest. Not that I would if I could, because there are some still out there doing good, like the ones attached to the Defiled outside, which means all those errant Natal Souls are not a complete disaster waiting to explode in my face.

Just mostly, probably.

Okay. Planning time. I need to get out there and find a monk who will invite me into his Natal Palace. Or really, anyone who is willing to invite me in. A shame Lin-Lin doesn’t have a Natal Palace, because she is as sweet and trusting as Ping Ping and would probably unconsciously invite me in without prompting, assuming we fell asleep next to each other. That’ll never happen though, because Guard Leader would never let us behave so indecently, though somehow, Lin-Lin sitting in my lap while we’re both awake is perfectly fine. I’m not complaining or anything, I just think it’s a weird line to draw in the sand, but whatever.

So who else can I go to and nap beside? And how do I make sure my conscious self tries?

Song is out. She barely trusts me as it is, though things have gotten much better in recent months. That being said, my subconscious stares still make her flinch in fear as she has a whole lot of justified baggage regarding men, so I doubt she’ll accept me into her personal mental space, much less allow me to fall asleep against her regardless of the reason.

Monk Happy maybe? But how do I convince my conscious self that it’s a good idea to fall asleep in the chonky monk’s embrace? I’m sure he’d allow it if I tried, but honestly, even if it was a guaranteed solution, I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea myself. I mean, it’s just two bros spooning to sleep, no homo, but it’s still really friggin’ weird.

God, if only one of my floofs could speak or communicate in some way...

Hang on...

None of my floofs can do it, but Kukku can. The Spiritual Rooster can send people into a dream state and trap them inside their minds. While he doesn’t craft the illusions that hold them there and leaves that work to his victim’s subconscious, maybe he can... I dunno, project my soul into someone elses’. Or project a message in the same way. Okay, it’s bare bones and a long shot, but it’s the best I’ve got, because as we’ve already established, I am not a smart man.

Closing my eyes, I reflect on Kukku’s soft, poofy feathers and how nice it would be to cuddle him while I sleep, fixating on this singular thought so it becomes ingrained into my subconscious. Normally, I would also drift off into sleep so that I get some rest before I wake, but I want outer me to be tired come morning so I get to napping post haste. Time passes and I grow bored, tired, and impatient, but I cling to this singular thought like a drowning man holding onto a piece of floating driftwood and hold fast to my goal, hoping against all hopes to get through my own thick skull. Nap with the rooster. Look into his cute eyes ringed with natural black eyeliner, which stand out against his pristine, white feathers, and fall asleep beside adorable Kukku. This is what you want. This is all you want. Do it.

You know you want to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Errrk-uh-erk-eh-errrrrrrrr!”

Bolting upright to a chorus of animal groans, I soothe Mama Bun, Guai Guai, and even sweet Ping Ping as I slip out of bed, so tired it feels as if I didn’t get a single wink of shut eye. It’s just one of those days, when you sleep all night and still wake up tired, a bad start by any measure. Pong Pong wouldn’t understand, as he’s an early riser by nature, likely off in the closest body of water having himself a solitary splash. The little guy is a steadfast friend and loves his new family, but it’s hard to shake habits formed over countless centuries of solitude so quickly.

As for me, I would like nothing more than to lay back down in bed and snuggle with my floofs, but I am struck by a sudden urge to nap with Kukku too. I bet the big cutie is soft and sweet, though I shudder to think how loud his morning calls will be if lying right next to him. Then again, I suppose that makes this the perfect opportunity since he only screeches once every morning, so I set out with purpose to find him.

Naaran stops me at the door with a tired, disapproving frown and points back inside the room, directing my attention to the clothes I left behind. Somehow, I feel like this isn’t the first time I’ve tried to march out in my night-clothes, and I doubt it’ll be the last, yet my cheeks still warm with embarrassment as I head back inside to change.

Dressed up and ready for my nap, I head out into the courtyard and stop in place, because my belly rumbles and I smell dumplings. Delicious vegetarian dumplings filled with radish, tofu, garlic, peanuts, scallions, shallots, chives, celery, and so much more. They’re a veritable cornucopia of greens that make for an explosion of flavour, and I don’t know how I ever lived without them. Even the dumpling wrappers are different, not just plain wheat dough, but a stickier, chewier, almost transparent wrapper that is just heavenly to bite into, and the chili sauce is just the perfect mixture of sweet, savoury, and spicy, hot enough to sting but not overpower the dumpling’s explosion of flavours.

And that’s just one dish the chefs will be serving. Honestly, vegetarian life ain’t as bad as I thought.

Yea... my nap can wait until after breakfast.

With my belly full and appetite gorged, I step out into the courtyard again and feel sleepiness coming on. Though I could just head back to my room, or even find some shade in the courtyard, I fixate on the idea of napping with Kukku, only it occurs to me that I don’t know where the big rooster sleeps. Not in the monastery, that’s for sure, because he’s never here in the morning or evenings, only early afternoon. From what Jorani told me, the rooster lives in a cave nearby, the same cave Gang Shu and the others were hidden away in back when they first tried to contact the Abbot. What direction the cave is in, he never said, nor did I ever think to ask, but I suppose I could try and ask him now.

The man in question is taking a seat in the courtyard, stretching as he settles down into a cross-legged posture, but before I reach his side, Monk Happy starts up a rhythm on his fish drum and the monks all get to chanting. Jorani too, and I feel like it would be rude to interrupt, so I make my way to Song’s side and greet the floofs instead. At her inquisitive stare, I realize I’ve been chanting along, but I have no idea why. It just feels right to drone along, though I can’t hit those lows like the monks can, and I can only say that the chant is soothing and refreshing, even though I have no idea what any of it means. I believe it’s an affirmation of all their beliefs, but spoken in a language only the Brotherhood knows, and I can only guess this much because the meaning has been ingrained into every syllable and inflection of the chant, so much so that I can almost understand it as well as Emotional Aura. Yet another secret the Brotherhood refuses to share, as I suspect the chants have something to do with their remarkable strength, but then again, I suspect everything they do has ties to that. It’s not entirely fair, as they do not pursue strength, and it is merely a byproduct of their Path, one made all the more difficult by their vows and beliefs.

Still though. It’d be nice if they were more forthcoming with their secrets. That’s why I’m here right? So they can help me get better, but Song told me that Monk Happy said no one in the Brotherhood knows how to help me, save for the Abbot who is currently indisposed. It’s a real shame, but I’m beginning to think this is a dead end, and I have no idea where to go next. Back to the Citadel maybe? But then I’ll be back where I started, and that’s no good.

A soft headbutt interrupts my thoughts and I am delighted to see Jimjam before me, his eyes wide and shoulders slouched as he shyly asks for a cuddle. The Arid Wastes is filled with all manner of big nasties, and I think he just scented one in the wind and is here looking for comfort. Whatever beastie it might’ve been, I’m unable to find it, but I am more than happy to accept a rare cuddle from Jimjam. Hugging the wildcat tight, I bury my face into his fur and stroke his neck and flanks, all while radiating an Aura of calm reassurance. “Don’t worry silly kitty,” I tell him in not so many words. “I’ll keep you safe, no matter what.”

The wildcat visibly relaxes in my arms, but he does not break off the embrace, but soon, I find myself drifting off to sleep despite having just woken up. No matter. Might as well take a short nap before my session with the monks, not that it’ll do any good. Maybe I should go back to the Citadel. Even if I can’t take command, I’m sure Luo-Luo could find some way to use me to boost morale or something, though I’ll have to try and rein myself in and keep from embarrassing myself or my office. Either way, it’s a decision best left for later, because despite knowing the monks admitted to being unable to help me, I feel like I still have some unfinished business here. Maybe it’s with the Defiled, who are building their new home with Jorani’s help, though I worry about him sometimes. The monks set someone to guard him, but who knows if they’ll save him in time, especially from their hulking, pregnant amazon of a Chieftain. Things almost boiled over yesterday, but luckily I got there in time to keep things from escalating too far, because even if Jorani had the Chieftain subdued, I’m not sure he could’ve handled the rest of the tribe.

Then again, most of the Defiled were feeling more amused than anything, or at least that’s the vibe I got. Leave it to Jorani to make friends with Defiled tribesmen; the man has courage and charisma in spades.

That’s probably why I want to stay, or maybe I’m hoping the Abbot makes a miraculous recovery. Then again, beholden to my whims as I am, there’s a good chance I don’t want to go back to the Citadel because I know heavy responsibilities await me, or maybe I just want to take a nap with Kukku. Who knows. Either way, I’m too tired to make up my mind right now, so I’m gonna cuddle Jimjam and take a nap.

This isn’t half bad, life as a Penitent Brother. I could get used to this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mother in Heaven, why am I such an idiot?

Settling into my bed with a sigh, I go back to whispering subconscious thoughts into my own head. It’s ironic, but it appears I have now become my own Spectre, guiding myself to do things I need to do, while my conscious self is beholden to his whims.

Hey... is it possible to... I dunno... possess myself, like Spectres possess a host, and tap into Heavenly Energy that way to reforge my body? I mean... I can’t say I’m not tempted to try, because I would really love me some transforming bear arms or maybe a few extra inches in various places, but somehow, I suspect it won’t turn out as expected. There’s no knowing if it’ll work without doing it live, so I suppose I should stick that idea in my back pocket and try the safe way first.

Find Kukku. Nap with Kukku. Hug that rooster and cuddle him like you mean it. Do it.

...This is my life now. What happened? I used to be Legate of the Outer Provinces, and now I’m trying to convince myself to sleep with a rooster, on the off-chance I can use said rooster to contact the Abbot. Such is life, trials and tribulations without end, though I suppose some trials are weirder than others. I’ll try this out for a few more days, and if it doesn’t work, then I suppose I should head back to the Citadel and see how things are there, then decide if I want to keep holding out for the right answers or cut my losses and try the quick fix. Either way, I need to concentrate now, because there’s a rooster out there, and I mean to cuddle him.

...It’s weird that my path to recovery requires I snuggle with a giant rooster, but if it works, it works. Praise to the Heavens, and all the mysteries within, or as Monk Happy would say, “Eh-Mi-Tuo-Fuo.”

Chapter Meme