Savage Divinity

It appears there is a flaw in my grand scheme, one I have yet to uncover.

Floating in my Natal Lake all by my lonesome, I watch the wispy white clouds drift overhead as the waves lap away my frustration and self-loathing. Where the fuck did my plans go wrong? I thought I accounted for everything. Find Kukku. Nap with Kukku. Play with Kukku. Convince Kukku to help me communicate with a monk, whether it be Happy, the Abbot, or really anyone who is available, if only to let them know I’m capable of communicating so long as it takes place in my Natal Palace. Or theirs, possibly, though I’m not entirely sure about that, or how I’d explain the modern pier and skyscraper sat smack dab in the middle of the village, with an added lake I put in because I wanted one. Or my different appearance, which I can’t really see, because any mirrors I create only reflect what I think I look like, and that’s the same image I see in real mirrors most of the time. It’s a matter of perception, and when the world around you is based on said perception, it’s difficult to identify my own blind spots, because if I could see them, then they wouldn’t really be blind spots, now would they?

...So where in the fuck do my brilliant plan go wrong? I fell asleep cuddling the rooster and holding the Abbot’s hand, so why are neither of them here?

With journal.txt already opened and read, I have no idea what to try next, so here I am relaxing in the lake. I expected at least one visitor to come a knocking and had all my explanations (and excuses) locked and loaded, but so far, it’s been nothing. I don’t know how long it’s been and I’m exhausted beyond all belief, but I don’t know if I’ll get another chance at this, since those monks outside didn’t seem all too pleased to see us. Who knows if they’ll let me stay for more than a single night, and more importantly, I don’t want to leave Guard Leader and Lin-Lin waiting in the wings. My sweet wifey is many things, but patient is not one of them, and I’d really rather they didn’t travel back to the monastery alone. Not just because I’m afraid to make the trip back without company either; Guard Leader almost slipped up by bringing us into that den of worm-things, which means she is not, in fact, infallible or all powerful.

All this adds up to a very limited time frame to work in, so I gotta move fast, except I don’t know what to do next. What haven’t I tried? Sending doesn’t work and comes out as garbled as my regular speech, and communication through Aura is difficult when the only emotion I feel is disgruntled impatience. I’m done with being messed up and ready to get better already, but as per usual, I have no idea what to do, so here I am relying on my Natal Lake to ease my troubles away.

...

I may have just discovered a flaw. Why do I only feel disgruntled impatience? Probably because my Natal Lake is washing all the other emotions away. There’s nothing wrong with the process itself, as sometimes, I need to shed that excess emotional baggage, but Balance is not the exclusion of negative emotions, but rather reaching an equilibrium between positive and negative. Neutrally emotive, which is not the same as no emotion, but rather being happy or sad, relaxed or frustrated, calm or angry, whenever the occasion calls for it. Too much is as bad as not enough, if not worse, probably. Think about how Mahakala and the Abbot behaved, as well as the other monks of the Brotherhood. They’re mostly calm and relaxed, but when need arises, they are unrepentant in their displays of anger, grief, joy, or any other emotion that suits the situation. Mahakala was quick to anger when things didn’t go his way, but also quick to forgive, and the Abbot openly wept when I told him about how his Senior Brother died. Monk Happy is happy most of the time, except when shit goes down and then he’s downright terrifying. Meanwhile, I’m over here misunderstanding the whole concept and getting rid of all the bad vibes while clinging onto everything that’s good and wholesome, which is no sort of Balance at all. I realized this, but then I did almost nothing to change it, because...

Well, because why Balance? What is so important about it? Why can’t I just be happy all the time?

...Because that would be creepy and weird. Question asked and answered. I can see it now: me, smiling without a care in the world while reading the casualty report for our latest battle, or paying no mind to an injured floof and trying to cuddle them regardless of their injury. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows, because nobody hits as hard as life does. But like a great man once said, it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. That’s my problem. I’m afraid to move forward. I’m scared to take the next step, because I don’t know what comes next. That’s the excuse I always fall back on, one I’ve used since I first opened my eyes and found myself being auctioned away as a slave. When I don’t know what to do, I either charge in without thinking, or I do nothing and things get worse.

Why am I here? I’m looking for answers regarding my Path, but what did I do when it became clear I wouldn’t get any answers until I could better communicate my questions? Did I try and figure out a solution on my own? No. I sat around and hoped the issue would resolve itself, or some monk of the Brotherhood would come up with a working solution. That’s why Song had to kick my ass into gear and remind me that there’s a war being fought out there, and while I’m not sure what I could do as Legate to improve the situation, doing anything would be an improvement over what I’m doing now. Napping all day and playing with floofs is my ideal life, but alas, trials and tribulations loom over on the horizon, and there is nowhere I can run to escape them.

So. Problem: I cannot communicate my questions. How to get around this? By meeting someone as a Soul, which is what I was trying to do here, except it didn’t work. Neither the Abbot nor Kukku came to visit, which means I need to go visit them. Though I don’t understand the mechanics behind it, I believe this means I need to step out into the Void in order to access someone else’s Natal Palace, or at least step out of mine and into an adjacent one, either Kukku’s or the Abbot’s. We’re all in physical contact right now, so it should be simple enough to just pop on over while avoiding all the hungry, lingering Spectres just waiting outside my doorstep. I mean, it’s definitely possible, else Ping Ping, Pong Pong, and Mama Bun wouldn’t be able to visit me every night, considering those Spectres have been there every time I stepped outside.

...

Hang on.

Those things out there are most definitely Spectres, so why am I afraid of them again? They’re not Anathema, and clearly unable to breach my defences like what happened to Mahakala, so why can’t I just Devour them and step outside afterwards? It wouldn’t have worked when my Core was shattered, but now I’m whole again and wholly capable of hoovering up all the big bad ghosties waiting on my doorstep. Usually, this is where I stall and argue against myself, but now that I’ve remembered Spectres are nothing to be afraid of, I’m unable to keep myself from testing the waters, so to speak. Opening my Natal Palace up to the Void, I envision a patch of darkness expanding across the sky and keep it reasonably small in case things should go wrong, but nothing happens. Drawing closer for a better look, I spot the slavering, phantasmal Spectres champing at the proverbial bit outside my door, hungry predators all eager for a meal, but none of them care to charge in. Emboldened by their lack of response, I rise up out of the lake and soar up for a closer look, opting to go with ‘mundane’ flight instead of teleporting over because actual movement gives me the maximum amount of time to react if things should go wrong. Uncharacteristic as this somewhat bold, yet quasi-informed decision might seem, I have the added benefit of Insight guiding my actions here in my Natal Palace, and right now, I know the Spectres are afraid to come in.

They call me the Devourer, know that only death awaits them within, but they do not fear me. No, they hunger for the chance to consume me, to take what is mine and make it their own, so that they might one day become whole again.

Upon further inspection, I realize the Spectres are divided into two camps, a disciplined group of guards holding back the untamed masses behind them who yearn to push in. Well, not holding back physically, but the... feralSpectres refuse to cross the guardian Spectres, though there is no real discernible difference between the two groups aside from their behaviour. Itinerant souls, Mahakala called them, and while I suspect he might have been referring more specifically to Anathema, I now understand why he labelled them so. Spectres are born from emotion, a process I intuitively co-opted to sever all my emotions through Natal Souls. Even though I call them by a different name, there is no real difference between Spectres and my Natal Souls once they are released into the world. Emotions bound in slivers of soul, that’s how I severed all those Natal Souls, and that’s how Jorani, Awdar, and so many others create Spectres to begin with, Spectres that crave to become whole once more. I touched upon the truth of the matter at one point in time, in how there were no ‘good’ Spectres because sentient life prefers to hold onto the good memories and let go of the bad, unless of course you happen to be a weird idiot named Falling Rain.

So when I devour Spectres, I am absorbing souls, and somehow making them a part of my own. Ha. Your soul is mine.

As the whimsical thought flits through my mind, I try to rein it in and stop what comes next, but it’s already too late. Invited by my subconscious, the Spectres floating out in the Void surge into my Core, the guardians fighting against the current while the feral masses stampede in with what can only be described as an eager wail, and the latter far outnumber the former. A wave of Spectres spill into my Natal Palace and bee-line directly towards my penthouse condo, a sight that fills me with dread and terror. The world shifts and I am back in my computer chair, watching everything taking place within my Natal Palace on a series of live feeds across my twelve monitors, with more screens springing into existence whenever a new pressing matter appears. Oddly calm despite my surging panic, I double click an icon I never really looked at before, a green shield with a silver outline and a white check-mark in the middle.

Antivirus. Nice.

My Natal Palace rumbles and shakes, but I am unperturbed, for I realize I have just activated the defences I didn’t even know I had in place, or rather didn’t realize served such a purpose. Rising out of my Natal Lake, the waterpark takes on new purpose as its multitude of water-jets and cannons unleash hell upon the invading Spectres. Those struck are washed away by the Cleansing properties of my Natal Lake, but even this is not enough to stymie the tide. Overhead, the wispy white clouds thicken and darken before bursting open in rainfall, soaking the Spectres who have thus far managed to avoid the projectiles, their presence eroding away before sheets of rain hammer down from above, but still the Spectres press on, leaving me unable to distinguish if their final screeches herald victory or defeat. Even with the deluge of water assailing them from all sides, the Spectres make their way to my condo windows in the blink of an eye, throwing themselves at the floor-to-ceiling glass and shaking the building around me, but the seemingly fragile material holds firm beneath their weighty assault.

All the while, in the back of my head, I feel their anger, hatred, jealousy, and more all pooling at the bottom of my Natal Lake, gathering in the darkness to be expelled into the Void, but nowhere near quickly enough to matter. Like I said, too much is just as bad as not enough, and I am soon approaching my limits of negativity. The skies darken and windows crack, not because the Spectres themselves are breaking through my defences, but because their emotions are affecting my mindset and I cannot remember why I don’t want to go along with their whims.

Power and knowledge. This is what their whispers promise me, all the power and knowledge I need to defeat my enemies. The Brotherhood has failed me, but the Spectres hold the collective wisdom of every soul they’ve spliced off of. I mean, I know from first-hand experience that the soul is capable of holding and processing a vast amount of knowledge, and now I suspect it is not emotion which Heaven Energy responds to, but rather Heavenly Energy is made of the same stuff souls are, only sans emotion. Who says a soul is finite? I just assumed it was, but there is no limit to emotion, so why should there be a limit to the soul?

What is a soul? A vessel in which we carry all our emotions and experiences. Our memories might change and disappear, but I am living proof that I am still more or less the same person I was in my past life. Not because of my memories, which are fractured at best, but because my very nature has remained the same. I am a socially awkward idiot who loves making dumb jokes, cuddling with floofs, and second guessing his own decisions. This last part is why I am so afraid of the unknown and hate trying new things, because the tried and true approach is so much easier to follow. Let others test the waters while I take the safe approach, a mindset that worked fine in my previous life, but does much to hold me back here in this one.

No, that’s not right. We all must forge our own paths, a constant that holds true in this life and my last. I just never realized it until now, or rather, I never cared to see the truth sitting before my eyes. There’s playing it safe, and then there’s never taking a single risk ever, which is where I sat on the scale of risk-aversion. I still hate taking risks, which is why I’m so adamantly hands off in all my endeavours, because then I can’t be blamed if things fail horrifically. I’m just the idea man, right? Not my fault if my ideas fall through, since you were the one who took it and ran.

But with the collective wisdom of all these Spectres, I will possess the combined experiences of countless humans who came before me, albeit in fractured form of course. I could use this to my advantage, but not if I Cleanse all the Spectres away, because then, they’ll lose what makes them Spectres, the driving emotion behind their existence, and fade away into...

Pure Heavenly Energy, which is what I get after Cleansing Spectres.

Holy. Shit. When we seek Balance, the Energy of the Heavens is drawn to the excess emotion, which I already knew, but what if we’ve been doing it wrong all along? We create a Core to store Heavenly Energy, but what if we’re supposed to just keep feeding the Heavenly Energy directly to our Soul? It explains why Pong Pong and Zhen Shi’s Souls are so frigging massive, and why mine is huge now too, but I dunno. It sort of makes sense, except not entirely, but mostly because I don’t know enough about souls or Heavenly Energy to argue for or against my random brain fart theory.

I do know one thing. I need to think before I act, which means it’s time to take a step back.

Opening my eyes which I don’t remember closing, I gaze upon the monitors arranged before me, only now understanding where I went wrong. Initially, I came up with the idea of using a computer and cell phone to help distance myself from reality. So long as things were happening behind a screen, then I could console myself with believing that it wasn’t real, which gave me enough leeway to process everything without being overwhelmed by emotion. The computer and cellphone allowed me to interact with the world without being a part of it, but here in my Natal Palace, that is all but impossible. This place exists within my soul, and thus is affected by all my innermost desires and subject to my whimsical nature, so it’s time I took a good look at myself.

Turning about in my office chair, I take in my surroundings and calmly analyze what is happening. The cracks in the glass are not there because of the weight of Spectres pressed against them, but because I am tempted to let them in. What can they do to me, the Devourer, the Predator, the Chosen Son of Heaven? More whispered lies they tell me in order to sway my decision, but despite knowing they do not have my best interests in mind and the power their Cleansed remnants represent, the Spectres themselves represent the tempting prospect of knowledge, something I desperately need and am hard pressed to turn down because of my fear of the unknown and innate hubris. The Spectres drive the Defiled mad, but I have thus far remained untouched and unaffected, or at least not so affected as to lose myself to their murderous desires.

So what’s the harm in exploring all of my options? Heavenly Energy is great and all, but I have no idea how to use it. It’s not like the Spectres are going anywhere, which means I can always Cleanse them away later, so why can’t I experiment a little and see what knowledge they have to offer?

The Spectres outside my windows are no longer feral and unhinged, but forlorn and desperate to escape their inevitable annihilation. “Let us in,” they wail, tens of thousands of voices speaking as one, not in words but in emotions that are so coherent my mind automatically translates the message. “We will serve you, empower you, raise you to the heights you so desperately yearn for, give you the strength you need to never be afraid again.”

A lie, but their statements are not entirely false, because I know they hold vast amounts of knowledge and experiences that could help me along my Path. The glass fractures and splinters beneath the weight of my wavering indecision, and I turn my mind to wondering what the possible fallout might be. What happens when I accept the Spectres as my own, rather than Cleanse them away with the waters of my Natal Lake? Well, considering I’ve already invited them in for tea, I suppose the next logical step would be turning full-blown Defiled. What does that entail though? What is it that makes Defiled different from the Tainted, those who’ve merely attracted the Spectres’ attentions but have yet to succumb to their whispers and accept them?

Well, I don’t know the entire answer yet, but I do know this: I can cleanse the Tainted no matter how many Spectres they’ve attracted, but once you go full-Defiled, I can’t just Devour and Cleanse the bad away. That always struck me as strange, my inability to Cleanse the Defiled, but as I sit here and ponder the mysteries laid out before me, I’m able to finally piece together a few clues that I’ve uncovered along the way. I always thought it strange that there was a hard line in the sand, one that differentiated Tainted and Defiled. Some tainted harbour more Spectres than most Defiled, who don’t hold onto their Spectres so much as house them, yet I was unable to Cleanse the Defiled no matter what I tried. Ambient Spectres were easily Devoured, but any Spectres hiding within the Defiled were completely off limits, which I assumed was due to the innate Domain all living creatures possess that hinders the effect Chi has on their physical bodies.

Because Chi is just Heavenly Energy wrapped in Soul, and souls are inviolable. They don’t mix, not like that at least.

The problem with Spectres though is they’re slivers of other souls, and somehow, Defilement allows them to affix themselves to their host’s soul. That’s why I can Cleanse tea-drinking Spectres who are just visiting someone’s Natal Palace, but can’t touch Spectres that have been invited in. It’s all a matter of perspective, only the perspective in question is not mine, but rather the host in question. The Tainted are still wrestling with the Spectres and their whispers, while the Defiled have wholly accepted them, therefore making the Spectres part and parcel of their very identity. In short, I cannot Devour Spectres accepted by the Defiled because those particular Spectres have grafted themselves to their host’s soul, and in doing so, have become ‘whole’ once again.

Which is what I would need to do in order to make use of these Spectres here.

Ew. No thanks. Hard pass. Even if I can make use of what they know, I already have enough voices in my head, thank you very much. I don’t need to add more crazy into the mix, not when my current crazy is already more than I can handle.

That being said, even though I’ve seemingly come to a decision, the cracks continue to spread across my giant windows, obscuring my view of outside. This means I am not yet wholly convinced, because a part of me still wants to make use of the Spectres, because as much as I love science and logic and loathe the unknown, I am also a degenerate gambler who loves betting on the long shot. Why wouldn’t I? It’s worked for me so far. I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for a million different unlikely scenarios coming out in my favour, so why shouldn’t I push my luck a little further? Just think of the payout. How many secrets can they reveal to me? How far along the Martial Path can they guide me? Power is power, regardless of how I obtain it, and so long as I don’t go full Demon and lose myself, then this could be the solution I so desperately need to my current situation.

This is why I cannot be trusted. I’m too erratic and impulsive when it comes to spur of the moment decisions, because otherwise, I end up overthinking things and doing nothing instead. It’s a terrible habit, but nothing I can fix now, because I need to make a decision before it is made for me. I want these Spectres Cleansed, but the temptation for easy answers is too strong for me to resist. I created Baledagh to foist all these bad decisions onto, have someone who could take all the blame yet also knew all my secrets and never judged me for keeping them. It’s strange, I always saw Baledagh as this body’s original personality, the soul most suited for this world and the person I desperately wished I could be, one unsullied by my confusing, nonsensical memories of my past life and knew how to do what was needed to be done in order to survive. I could talk to him without fear of revealing my true self, because he already knew it, even if he didn’t understand.

In the end, I was only fooling myself, but I can’t deny that Baledagh’s presence helped, even though it ended up harming me more in the end.

What I need is a system like Zhen Shi had, where he parked his Soul to occupy his Throne with a keystone to help contain and control the Spectres. I assume my Soul would have to always be present to keep stray Spectres from seizing control, which I think is how Demonization works, though I should note that I think everyone else parks their soul on their Thrones 24/7, because that’s usually where I’ve found them. The problem is, Zhen Shi’s Soul seemed distracted at times, so I’m guessing he had to focus on his Natal Palace to affect it. This means I would probably have to find Balance in order to do anything Soul related, which just seems like a huge hassle I could do without, especially considering I want to start farming Spectres. A Natal Soul would be much better suited for the job, as it would act as a buffer to Defilement and Demonization, as well as free up my real Soul for various other activities. So many activities and things I’d need a Soul to do, like...

I dunno. Stuff. Things. It just feels right, okay? Why can I never just trust my gut?

This brings us back to the Baledagh dilemma, as I cannot trust a Natal Soul anymore, because when we get right down to it, I can’t trust myself, which means I can’t trust another version of myself, no matter how many fail safes I put in place. Fruit of the poisoned tree, as it were, tainted by affiliation with me, which means if I do want to make use of the Spectres, then I need a better solution.

...What if I went in an entirely different direction? I need a Natal Soul that is loyal, protective, kinda stupid, and wholly devoted to my well being, one to occupy my Throne and keep me safe from Spectres’ lies.

And I think I have the perfect candidate for the job.

A head pokes out from underneath my arm as my best friend emerges on my chair behind me, his big, brown, soulful eyes brimming with love and excitement. Tears spill down my cheeks as I gaze upon his familiar face, drawn from memories of a life I’d long since forgotten, but still exist in my soul because he became a part of my very identity. This is the exception to the rule of inviolable souls, because they do mix when you love someone so much that they become a part of you. That’s how souls work, I know this the same way I know up from down and forward from back, a gut feeling that just feels right. The phrase ‘I am a part of all that I have met’ comes to mind, which to me says that I am nothing without the people I’ve met and experiences I’ve encountered, a blank slate upon which life paints itself upon, a life lived in the company of others.

And this guy, my best friend, left more of a mark on me than most, a mark that transcends time and space, because true love knows no bounds.

“Who’s a good boy?” I ask, touching my forehead to his and laughing as he slobbers all over my face. “You are! Yes you are.”

My dog responds with more kisses and uncontrollable tail wagging as he comes out from behind my back, where he used to always curl up for a nap even though he was almost too big to fit. I remember pushing through the pain of numbed legs just so I wouldn’t disturb his nap, and his warm, comforting presence pressed up against me every night as I slept. I don’t remember his name, but I could never forget his big, floppy ears or his beautiful brown eyes, and his adorable little underbite that sometimes catches the edge of his jowls and makes him look so fierce and silly. This dog was spoiled as could be, with all the toys and treats my meagre wallet could afford, and despite throwing money away on beds and cushions he’d never use, I could never bring myself to blame him.

Because he’s my dog, my best friend, and I love him so, to the point where he is still a part of who I am, even after transmigrating to another life.

...

Does this also mean I loved memes to the point where it became a part of who I am? Man, I must’ve been a real loser in my past life...

Despite all the joy and happiness that stems from reuniting with my dog, I realize this is not the soul of my dog here with me in my Natal Palace. No, this is the part of his soul that he left with me, just as we all leave our marks on the people in our lives. I used to hate the taste of fish, but then Charok took the time to make a dish I enjoyed, and now I love so many different seafood dishes, even though I used to hate all seafood. I thought flying kites was boring, but then I started taking Lin-Lin and the twins out to play, and seeing them happy was enough for me to love kites too. Alsantset taught me the Forms, while Dad and Akanai helped me master them, so even though I love being lazy and doing nothing, every time I Demonstrate the Forms, I remember all the effort they went to just to help me improve, and it fills me with warmth and satisfaction.

And this sweet, silly, affectionate dog? He was everything to me, in my past life. I loved him like other people love their own children, and I could never forget him, not if I lived through a million lifetimes. I have other pets now too, and I love them as well, but a lot of my dissatisfaction with my floofs stems from the fact that none of them could ever be as loyal as this dog here.

Which is why I can trust him to guard my Throne in my absence.

Sliding off of the chair, I kneel and turn around to face my dog, his happy yips and tippy taps just exuding joy and contentment. “Hey buddy,” I say, and his ears perk up like he understands my words, even though I know he’s only responding to the sound of my voice. “What do you think about those guys out there?” As I direct his attention towards the Spectres, the transformation is astonishing to behold, for my sweet, sleepy pupper curls his lips and growls at the invading Spectres. A single bark rings out and echoes throughout the Natal Palace, and the Spectres’ all cease to exist, mass Cleansed in an instant without the need for rain or water cannons. Knowing the risks they entailed, my dog wanted the Spectres gone, and it happened, Visualization and Intent made manifest in an instant. Along the way, he also repaired the windows and dispersed the storm clouds, but he left the water park in place, for reasons that soon become obvious.

Eyes wide and tail wagging, he looks up at me with expectant eyes. “Play?” he asks, not in so many words or emotions, but it is the same question he asks each and every day.

And only a monster would refuse such a good boy. “C’mon Buddy,” I say, straightening up and gesturing for him to follow as I settle on his new name. I don’t remember his old one, but it wouldn’t suit him regardless, because this isn’t my dog, merely a recreation of him using the imprint he left on my soul, the same way I now suspect that Guai Guai isn’t exactly Guan Suo reborn, but rather the living incarnation of the imprint he left on Ping Ping’s soul. Buddy is a fine name for my Natal Guardian though, and he’s the best of boys, one with good instincts who will always be loving and loyal to a fault, a sweet, obedient, playful companion here to guard me from all threats, even if those threats stem from myself.

So I lost out on Spectre knowledge and shortcuts. Not the worst thing in the world, especially if Buddy thinks they’re bad juju. Then again, he also thinks squirrels are the devil, so I’m not entirely sure if he made the right move, but regardless, I’m better off with my dog than without him. Grinning as I watch him sniff and explore our surroundings, I feel my worries melting away like frost beneath the morning sun. I haven’t solved my problems yet, and I still have yet to determine where I will proceed from here, but all that can wait until after I take my dog for a walk and show him our new home.

This is my new life, Buddy. You’re gonna love it here.

Chapter Meme