Savage Divinity

I am not a smart man.

This is known.

I’m educated, but education and intelligence are not the same thing. I know a little about a lot of things, but knowing things doesn’t make you smart. Being smart means knowing how to apply said knowledge in a useful or favourable manner, but despite having all the information I need to make an informed decision, I’m still not sure what to do next.

Well, that’s not true. I know what I need to do next, namely take the next step along the Martial Dao. I just don’t know how. The why is simple, because might makes right. Using my authority as Legate, I set North, Central, and South on the warpath to retake the West and free the Imperial citizens suffering under Defiled rule, but these orders stand in direct opposition to the Imperial Edict which closed the borders in the first place. Thus, I need more strength not just to free the people of the West from the Defiled threat, but also to ensure their continued freedom and security on the off chance the Emperor decides he wants to purge all Westerners to be safe.

That’s why I need strength right now, and partially why I seek strength in general, to help defend those who cannot defend themselves. No, that’s not entirely true, because that makes me sound like I’m some noble, self-sacrificing hero hell-bent on protecting the world. I’m really not. I just want to be strong enough to protect the people I love, do as I please, and live life according to my own ideals. Making the world a better place is mostly a selfish endeavour, because as it stands, this world sucks donkey dick which makes me sad inside. Yea, I said it. This world sucks. It has a lot of great things going for it, like my family, friends, and floofs, as well as lots of interesting people, beautiful scenery, delicious dumplings, and more, but when you look at the absolute pros and cons of the world as a whole, the cons easily outweigh the pros, and here’s why.

This is a world that sucks so much, it’s catchphrase is, “Trials and tribulations without end.” Might as well say, “Get fookin’ rekt, bitch.”

Anywho, that’s why I want to make the world a better place, so I don’t have to be so sad about it all the time. My personal loathing for this world aside, a smart man who knew everything I know would have long since figured everything out by now, but as I’ve already pointed out, I am not a smart man. I know and accept that the time has come for me to take the next step, and I also know why I seek strength, but even though the Abbot seems to believe that these two separate revelations are supposed to magically come together and show me the way forward, I still haven’t the faintest idea of what I’m supposed to do. Rest and recuperate I suppose for now, but the unique manner in which I’ve expended my efforts has left me in a strange state of quasi-consciousness. The quiet unknowing of oblivious slumber is denied me, and I am left in this half-suspended state between asleep and awake without ever wholly committing to one side or the other. I am unable to open my eyes and wake or still my mind and sleep, nor am I able to find Balance and retreat to my Natal Palace, leaving me with nothing to do besides mentally twiddle my thumbs and reflect upon my Path and see if there’s anything I’ve missed.

So... quick refresher. Martial Warriors are humans who have successfully Created a Core. The Core is the medium through which we harness the Energy of the Heavens. We do this by taking Heavenly Energy in and branding or possibly altering it with our souls and emotions, thereby turning it into Chi. We guide Chi using our Will to do all sorts of cool and magical stuff, but mostly to hit each other harder and faster because even though we humans like to think we’re above animistic instinct, the truth is that deep down, we are all tribal by nature and only marginally more evolved than apes.

And that’s it. All this is the sum total of what I can confidently say I know about the Martial Dao, which really isn’t much. Everything else I ‘know’ is mostly guesswork and observations rather than indisputable fact, more of a bunch of working hypotheses rather than any verifiable theories or immutable laws. There are also plenty of mysteries which I have yet to solve, like why do animals interact with Heavenly Energy using a similar but different system? Or why is Chi so limited in function when Heavenly Energy is the power of creation and destruction and able to do seemingly anything? Why are hot dog wieners sold in packs of ten, but buns sold in bags of eight?

Okay, that last one was kinda tongue in cheek, but still a valid question. The real issue I have now is the fact that I have deviated from the tried and true Martial Path that everyone knows and am now in uncharted territory in my quest for strength. With a little help Taddy’s body tempering baths, I reforged my shattered Core and dispersed it all throughout my physical body in order to fit my Natal Palace back inside. While my refined body isn’t quite a Spiritual Heart just yet, it is analogous to one and might well be a new milestone along the Martial Path. The benefits from all this have been staggering to say the least. Even though there’s nothing physically different about me besides a bit of added durability, my Chi is more responsive now than ever before. I can’t easily explain the fundamental concepts of Honing, Cloud-Stepping, Sending, or most other Chi skills, but I can use them with little more than a thought, though I’m not entirely sure if this is due to my refined body or because I created a PC keystone with a bunch of programs to help automate the process. I can use more Chi than before, though not nearly enough to suit my needs, since I keep overdrawing my reserves and coming down with a big case of insomnia. Hell, Healing Dad took so much out of me that I went full on comatose, and I still can’t fucking sleep, which really goes to show how far I still have to go.

There’s more benefits too. Not only was I able to reforge my Spiritual Weapons through a liberal use of Panacea, I can control them like my own limbs now. How, I’m not entirely sure, because I just Will it and it happens, because I am the weapon, and the weapon is me. Then there’s the whole Blobby thing wherein I bound a large portion of the Azure Sea, which I’m still not entirely sure is a good thing considering I can’t carry it around with me. Oh, also my Aura keeps leaking out and sharing all my emotions, which is really embarrassing most of the time and only fun when I’m playing with floofs. When all is said and done, I honestly have no idea what I’m doing, just like the dog with the goggles and science equipment. Par for the course really, but the unique nature of my Path also means no one can really answer my questions, and the stakes are too high to rely on failing my way to success. I need answers and I need them now, but as I have already established, I am not a smart man.

Circling around back to the start, I go over it all again to see if I missed anything. I like starting at the Core because it is the first step along the Martial Path and the most difficult step in many ways, because it’s a pass-fail hurdle that ninety-nine percent of humanity is unable to cross. In contrast, one-hundred percent of Defiled succeed at Core Creation, but only because they accept help from external forces, namely Spectres which are severed fragments of human souls made up of all the emotional baggage their former owner wished to be rid of. Somehow, I feel like the Defiled method is the inferior method, even though I myself utilized the same principles to help nudge the Stormguard over the threshold between commoner and Martial Warrior. Why is it inferior? No idea, but the facts speak for themselves. Despite there being more Defiled than Martial Warriors, they don’t have as many Experts and Peak Experts in comparison, which I assume is due to the defects left behind by their non-standard Core Creation. Then again, it could just be the result of meddling Spectres hoping to keep their hosts weak and reliant on their assistance. Give a Defiled too much strength, and they might not need the Spectres any more, which runs counter to their goal of inciting Demonification and paving a path for their return to the material world.

See? Even when discussing what I think I already know, there are so many uncertainties to account for. How is any of this uncertain, unverifiable, and unconvincing information supposed to help me on my new Path to the Peak? Aura Condensation, Natal Palace Formation, Domain Development, and Void Shattering, these constitute the rest of the universally accepted milestones along the Martial Path, but there are simply far too many unknowns regarding each of them for me to comfortably claim any sort of understanding. Take Aura for example, the basic kind rather than the emotionally adjustable sort the outer provinces only recently learned about. Standard-issue Aura is done using Chi to to project a field of pressure onto your enemies or counter an opposing Aura suppressing your allies. That’s all it really is, a one trick skill with no real depth or complexity. Martial Warriors tend to achieve Aura Condensation fairly early on in their Path, usually during a short period before or after Natal Palace Formation, yet animals leave it until after Void Shattering. Seems odd doesn’t it? Why would they do that? Then again, why wouldn’t they? What purpose does Aura really serve if you’re an animal grubbing around in the dirt? A Natal Palace allows one to practice Chi without expending it, and a Domain enables us to use Chi Externally, while Shattering the Void supposedly enables one to freely manipulate the raw Energies of the Heavens in an explosive fashion. That last bit is up for debate, considering I’ve yet to see a Divinity actually use Heavenly Energy in any meaningful manner, but the important take away from all this is that each milestone along the Martial Path sets the foundation for the next one, a steady progression of steps that lead to the Peak.

For most, the only time Aura comes in handy is when fighting Demons and other Aura users. Animals don’t go to war, and they also develop their own defences against Aura independent of Condensing one of their own, so they don’t really need Aura at all. In fact, that brings me back to the issue of timing, and makes me wonder what the prerequisite for Aura Condensation is. Core Creation, pretty much, except not only does an Aura have no real requirements, it also serves no purpose in furthering a Warrior along their Path. You need a Natal Palace for a Domain, and don’t even think about Shattering the Void without both of the above, but Aura? Ping Ping proved you can ascend to Divinity without one, which is curious to say the least. All this is without mentioning the addition of other mysteries surrounding Aura like the aforementioned Emotional Aura, which thus far only Li-Li and I have been able to pick up. I’m pretty sure I helped Li-Li with that too, though I’m not entirely sure how, which is yet another mystery which plagues me. Then there’s the matter of Luo-Luo’s ability to project her emotions through music, which is similar to Emotional Aura, except she can do so without having Condensed an Aura of her own. This then ties into the whole concept of power in art, because art is the means through which the human mind connects with the soul, and somehow offers a glimpse into the Dao.

Or at least that’s how it is according to Monk Happy, which is why the Brotherhood are so keen on making art, and why the most popular Defiled pastime is making arts and crafts from the corpses of their enemies. Somehow all this ties in to Runes and Spiritual Weapons, but honestly, I feel like I should really limit my focus and avoid so broad an approach. I should figure out my Path first, and then I can study the extra-circulars like Rune Crafting, Divine Blacksmithing, and playing the zither or whatever.

Going back to Aura, Monk Bones said regular and emotional Aura only works because they target the mind and soul through empathy rather than the physical body, which is protected from foreign Chi by an internal Domain. Everyone enjoys this protection, mind you, Peak Experts and base commoners alike, the reason being is that souls are generally inviolable, which is what your internal Domain is made of. I say generally because there are exceptions, like when I helped Rustram Develop his Domain so he could Heal Sai Chou, and when my Natal Souls helped a few thousand Irregulars spontaneously Create their Cores. Initially, I thought the thing with Rustram and Sai Chou worked because they’re in love, and love is a union of both body and soul, which is an explanation I still stand by. The problem is, much as I like the Stormguard, I’m pretty sure I don’t love them, so I don’t know how my Natal Souls were able to meld with theirs. Whatever, it worked, so why stress about it? The important thing about internal Domains is that the Abbot believes that in order to achieve True Divinity, one must first refine the body, mind, and soul, as opposed to merely focusing on the body like most Martial Warriors tend to focus on, and I’ve an inkling suspicion that Aura and Kukky’s Dream Coo-coo-cachoo are pivotal to how he trains his mind and soul.

I would love to pick his brain on the subject, but it feels like the Abbot is trying to compete with me for most time spent in a coma. I mean, c’mon man. You can have the title, I just want some answers...

All this is just some of the issues involved with Aura Condensation, but I still have plenty still sitting on the back burner, to say nothing of all the unknowns regarding the other milestones along the Path. So where does this leave me? With a whole lot of questions and precious few answers to work with, which I should probably be used to by now. Even if I were capable of putting all my questions and doubts aside, and could accept that I have, for all intents and purposes, successfully accomplished every milestone short of Void Shattering and a few extras just for kicks, I’m still stuck on what to do next. Technically, I should be prepping to tackle the ‘final’ milestone, but the problem is, I can’t help but feel like that’s the wrong move and that I’ve left some steps unfinished. The Abbot claims I’ve set my sights too high and spurn the ‘false Divinity’ so many others have achieved in favour of true Divinity, and he’s not wrong. Even if I truly Shatter the Void, I won’t become a literal god, just a really powerful Martial Warrior on par with Ancestral Beasts, but what fucking good is that?’

Now I’m not saying ‘false’ Divinities are weak. It’s the opposite really, because they’re so damn strong they can’t keep themselves from destroying the everything around them when they fight. I’m not talking about massive craters and toppling buildings strong, because that’s just Nian Zu or Mitsue Juichi strong. I’m talking about wiping an entire city off the map in one exchange strong, like what happened in Sinuji. Thus, if I were to take the next step and join their ranks, I would then be subject to the same limits all other Divinities are bound to. I’m not talking about the Treaty, which is worth less than the paper it’s printed on, but rather the inability to control my own strength. A clash of Divinities is synonymous with cataclysm and calamity, where the only guaranteed outcome is the destruction of everything in the area, so how is becoming a ‘false’ Divinity supposed to help me now? I need strength, but usable strength, not the empty strength of a nuclear option everyone knows I would never take, so false Divinity is no real solution to all my woes since all I’d be able to do is stand by and watch others fight in my place.

Course, I only know all this because Dad sat me down and spelled it all out, but I knew I was holding back for a good reason, and not just because I’m dumb and indecisive.

Frustrating as all this lack of understanding is, there are a few useful tidbits to pick out from all my musings, namely that the Abbot might be onto something. In order to truly successfully Shatter the Void and achieve True Divinity, it is likely that one must first refine their body, mind, and soul. The reason I believe this is because of what I personally experienced during the withdrawal from JiangHu. I’ve never really stopped to consider what happened on the fields of Central that day, but in my defence, after dealing with the consequences of that day, I woke up and found a squad of Enemy Divinities literally standing across from me, and I’ve been scrambling to keep my head above water ever since. Given the circumstances, it’s really not my fault I didn’t set some time aside to consider the implications of everything that went down, but the best time to correct mistakes is right now.

So what happened in JiangHu? After foolishly allowing Zhen Shi to lure my soul out of my body and into his Natal Palace, I suffered through an agonizing eternity of suffering which I cannot even think about without shuddering. I was a broken and beaten man when I finally made my escape, and I concluded that since life was suffering, and death merely a new beginning, the best way to avoid suffering was to achieve Nirvana and escape the cycle of life and death. A twisted and jaded take on the Four Noble Truths, but logic need no apply to the mentally anguished. To do this, I needed to divest myself of the Three Desires, the craving for sensual pleasures, existence, and non-existence, which I would do by following my fundamentally flawed take on the Noble Eight-fold Path and live my life without living my life.

And so I retreated inwards and sought to sever all emotions in a desperate bid for nihility and oblivion. I closed myself off from my body and mind, leaving it alive but non-responsive so that I wouldn’t die, but was wholly unable to live life in the flesh. Then, I created the Call Centre of the Void instead, a bleak and cheerless place where dreams go to die, because the familiar sights of my Natal Palace were too warm and comforting for my quest for nihility. This allowed me to ‘live’ my life and fix all my mistakes through the computer monitor like I was playing a game, insulating me from the pain and emotions on the off chance I was still stuck in one of Zhen Shi’s illusions.

Fucked up? Most certainly, but hey, that’s trauma for you.

How was I able to create a Natal Palace with a shattered Core? No idea, but it worked, and I didn’t think twice at the time. Why? Because I was in the midst of a total mental breakdown for one, and two, because I’d somehow acquired a limited omniscience that provided me with everything I needed to know in order to fulfill my desires. From that monitor, I watched as Yan, Lin-Lin, Li-Li, Alsantset, and Mom gathered around my unconscious body while praying I would soon wake, with all my cute floofs hanging about as well. Pushing their pain aside in favour of ridding myself of mine, I sought Balance, but to an extreme degree which no human should ever try. Emptiness within to match emptiness without, that was the goal I set for myself and the Path I sought to take. Forget love and affection, friendship and family, sever all of that away and embrace apathy, indifference, and true neutrality in order to remain unaffected by my human failings.

Stupid.

But also surprisingly effective.

With the power of those severed emotions, I soothed the emotions of my sweet floofs and bade my loved ones farewell. I warned the Death Corps of approaching danger, and I watched Green 87 and dozens others die in the blink of an eye as a cadre of Half-Demons emerged from Concealment. I split my consciousness between a million and one Natal Souls and sent them out into the world in a desperate bid to affect the outcome, and in doing so, I watched the battle unfold from a million different perspectives. Seeing the Half-Demons unleash their Dread Aura, I helped Li-Li Condense an Emotional Aura of her own, and stay behind to counter Zhen Shi’s dark whispers and give her hope for the future. I teach Yellow One how to Heal so that she can survive her otherwise deadly wounds, while encouraging her to hold fast to hope for a better tomorrow. My other Natal Souls spread the knowledge of Panacea as well, and one even finds a pleasant surprise while teaching Li TieGuai and encourages him to complete his Mentor’s abandoned work on body refinement. I help an Imperial cavalry Officer named Koga find his courage, which leads to his unfortunate death, but not before he leads his warriors to dispatch an entire force of garo riders who were poised to run roughshod over the Irregulars. I help Lang Yi come to terms with his hatred of the Defiled and find proper Balance once more, and Liu Xuande rekindle his ambitions and unravel the intricacies of battlefield command. I even try to convince a Defiled Westerner named Santosh to accept the truth and return to the light, but find that he is too far gone to save.

Unbidden by me, I watch as thousands of weak Irregulars throw themselves at the Half-Demons because they believe their lives will be well spent so long as they save mine, and when I realize I cannot convince them to stand down and retreat, I realize what I need to do. Since I lack the power to outright win the battle from the Call Centre of the Void, I must empower my allies to win it themselves. Mila, Huushal, Hongji, Binesi, Ghurda, Tursinai, Tenjin, Wu Gam, Eccentric Gam, these are but a few of those who benefit from my assistance, but then Mitsue Juichi takes the field and Mitsue Hideo reveals himself to deal a crippling blow to Imperial morale. My efforts to sway him drive him over the edge until he all but shuts down, but there is nothing more I can do for him if he will not listen. All the while, the storm clouds have been gathering overhead, and when the clouds finally break and the rain falls, I let go of all my emotions and use them to fuel my million Natal Souls before setting them loose on the world so that they can work while I remain isolated from the emotional burden of watching it all unfold.

A series of events that happened as easily as turning a hand, all because I Willed it and the Energy of the Heavens responded.

At JiangHu, I was never in the driver’s seat. I just gave general directions from the side while the Energy of the Heavens handled the rest. Even though I remember doing everything I did, trying to remember how is like fighting to hold onto a dream only for it to fade that much quicker as you return to consciousness. Limited omniscience gave me all the information I needed in the moment, but that knowledge faded the instant it was no longer necessary. Sounds handy, but while I could set my sights on replicating that state of existence in an attempt to find answers regarding the Martial Dao, I don’t feel like it’s the right way forward. Even though I don’t remember much of Ping Ping’s ascension, I remember knowing, I mean really knowing and understanding what I was doing at the time, a state of comprehension I never experienced during the whole kerfuffle in JiangHu. Forgetting what happened there felt so natural, because the knowledge was never mine to begin with, but in contrast, losing my memories of Ping Ping’s ascension left me feeling like less of a person than I once was.

Imagine waking up one day to find yourself missing a third arm, except you can’t remember ever having a third arm aside from its absence. That’s what it was like waking up after Ping Ping’s ascension, because even though I know I played a pivotal role, I can’t remember shit about what I did. Something with Panacea, I’m pretty sure, because I remember having an epiphany about how I should be calling it something else, and something to with nuclear acid as well, whatever that is. Either way, if given the choice, I would rather follow in Ping Ping’s footsteps than rely on the Energy of the Heavens to fulfill my Will, because I have issues when it comes to matters of trust and control. Alright, maybe the Abbot’s right and I’m being too picky about my next step, but so what? If I try to Shatter the Void with anything less than one-hundred percent conviction, then failure is all that will await me, so I might as well try to do it right.

That being said, even though I don’t think the steps I took in JiangHu brought me down the right Path, that doesn’t mean I can’t learn from the experience. I surrendered control over to the Energy of the Heavens not because I wanted to, but because I lacked the ability to control it. If I refine my body, mind, and soul however, then it’s possible I will meet the necessary requirements to process all the information the Energy of the Heavens has to offer while retaining control of my Will, meaning I will have all the power of a ‘false’ Divinity without the downside of destroying my surroundings every time I cut loose. That’s why I am so adamant about refining my body, mind, and soul before taking the next step, because I believe that will offer me the power I so desperately desire with none of the drawbacks.

Why do I believe a refined mind and soul will offer me control? Well, because I’m fairly certain I’ve seen what happens when you train them, or at least train the mind. There are two people I know who have exhibited some sort of achievement in the area of mind refinement, namely Taddy, who is a Divinity himself, and Chen Hongji. I once likened my Teacher’s abilities in Healing to weaving a complex tapestry with a thousand needles at the same time, which is downright impossible for a normal human mind, while the good Brigadier made some real big brain plays during Bai Qi’s siege of the Central Citadel when he single-handedly took command of every Imperial unit in the field like some omniscient mind playing a real-life game of real-time strategy.

I believe these two examples show the benefits of a refined mind. How they achieved this, I don’t really know, but you’d think refining the mind would fall under the same umbrella as refining the body. The brain is a physical organ after all, but somehow, it also seems right to separate the two. The mind is more than just the human brain after all, because even if you could take all the information stored in the brain and place it in a different medium, that doesn’t mean you’ve copied a human mind. We are more than the sum total of the information we’ve gathered, because how we interpret that information is a large part of our identity. Each and every person possesses their own unique perspective, even two twins who grew up in the exact same environment and experienced the same trials and tribulations. I think, therefore I am, a fairly straightforward statement as far as philosophical declarations go, meaning that the mind is pivotal to the human condition, for how can you know you exist if you are without thought?

And the soul? That also has something to do with one’s ability to process information, as evidenced by how I went full derp after my soul got too big for my Core, but how it all comes together is still a mystery...

That’s about all I got for now, meaning I still have no idea how to temper my mind and soul, or if my refined body is even up to snuff. It would be great if I could open my eyes and bounce some questions off the Abbot, Monk Bones, Mom, Dad, Akanai, Mila, and anyone who will listen really, but this stupid coma has got me down bad. I can’t even visit Buddy and make sure he’s doing okay, since my Natal Palace has been closed to me since falling unconscious. Probably because I expended too much of my physical, mental, and emotional strength Healing Dad from a bolt to the heart, but if that’s the case, then just leave me wholly unconscious instead of trapped in the darkness of my own mind. Or soul. I don’t even know which one I’m trapped in, or how long I’ve lain here, though I’m pretty sure I’ve been drifting in and out of consciousness for a while now. Days at the very least, possibly weeks, but hopefully not months just yet.

...

Huh.

Physical. Mental. Emotional.

Body. Mind. Soul?

I never really consciously noted it before, but it all lines up pretty well, right? Well, not entirely since I know that emotions are merely a physiological response to certain chemicals produced by the human brain and body, but I also know that there is power in emotion, which is linked to both the Soul and the Energies of the Heavens. Monk Bones said Aura targets the mind through empathy, but what if he’s wrong and Aura targets the Soul instead? Or both? Maybe I have a strong soul, due to all the past life memories and all, which is why I was able to withstand Aura to some degree before Condensing one of my own. Maybe that’s what animals do too, buff up their soul defence so Aura doesn’t affect them as much, which sort of makes sense, right? Does that change things? Maybe, but I can’t really say how, only that it feels like an important distinction to hold onto.

Body, mind, and soul. Physical, mental, and emotional energy.

...

Ooh, light-bulb.

All this time, I’ve been associating Void Shattering with bringing the physical and metaphysical together as one, but I neglected to account for the mind and soul. Is there a... meta-mental and meta-emotional aspect I’m missing out on? Do I need to link all three with their meta counterparts in order to truly succeed? Ping Ping’s ascension came upon her during a moment of extreme emotional duress, so there might well be something to this newfangled theory of mine, though mostly I’m convinced because it just feels right. Balance is key to the Dao, balance in all things, so if I merge the physical and meta-physical as one, how can I neglect the mind and soul? Maybe that’s why my body isn’t a Spiritual Heart just yet, because I’ve only linked one of three aspects...

I’m still at a loss on the how, but I’ve got nothing but time to ponder and pontificate as I drift through the endless darkness hidden behind my eyelids.

As per usual when it comes to my idle musings, my thoughts soon turn dark and morbid. Not without reason, because everything that happened at JiangHu only happened because Zhen Shi put me through the emotional wringer after tricking me out of his Natal Palace and into his Keystone robes. Probably not the best way to phrase things, but no matter how you frame it, it was a horrific experience I do no ever care to repeat. Inside his Keystone, I experienced life as a slave once again, where I was tormented day in and day out by the ghosts of my past, so similar to what I experienced prior to Forming my Natal Palace with help from the Demon that was formerly Vivek Daatei. That feels like a lifetime ago, when I fell willingly into that Demon’s illusion of a pleasant existence because I so desperately wanted to be happy for once, but those ephemeral delusions paled in comparison to the realistic and intricate complexities of Zhen Shi’s crafting.

Much as I would love to forget it all and move on, I cannot help but fall deep into a pitfall of horrific memories and relive those insidious nightmares once again. The time spent in the mines was far from the worst of it, because no matter how bad things got, I always found it in me to fight back. Sure, I had my moments of weakness when I gave in and mutilated myself to avoid worse torments, but the pain of losing a finger is nothing compared to many of the other tortures I was subjected to. To this day, I have no idea how many perceived weeks, months, or years I endured trapped in Zhen Shi’s illusions, but even if I spent a hundred years suffering under the bristleboars’ none too gentle ministrations, I know I would not break.

No, what broke me was the illusion of and subsequent crushing of hope, as Zhen Shi made me believe I’d escaped only to watch as my friends and family were slaughtered or tortured before my very eyes.

And so I gave up. I surrendered. I fled into the darkness of the Void in search of nihility and non-existence, because even at my worst, when I believed everyone I loved was dead and gone, I was still too afraid to die. Strange considering I must have died once before in order to have memories of a past life, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy to start anew whenever. I hate this world, but I love my life here, so I will cling to this life for as long as I can.

A familiar presence brushes at the edges of my unconscious perception as I wallow in my own misery, one so innocent and insistent that I could not ignore it even if I wanted to. Glad for the distraction from my own self-pity, I reach out to the presence in a desperate effort to connect, like a blind, drowning man flailing about for anything to hold on to. Difficult to describe how I know the presence is there or how I approach it from within the dark stillness of my unconscious isolation, but the presence reaches out for me even as I blindly reach out for it, and when we finally connect, I am overwhelmed by the surge of joy and affection that comes crashing into me.

Hi Mama Bun! How’d you find me? Yes, I’m happy you’re here too. I can’t come play just yet, I need to rest and recuperate first, but don’t worry. I’m sure it won’t be long.

Difficult to convey all of the above using only my emotions, and I’m not entirely sure how much Mama Bun understands, for I can sense her disappointment, frustration, and general dissatisfaction with the lack of kisses, hugs, scritches, and treats. Our little reunion is limited to emotions alone, as I cannot see or pet her, and even then it doesn’t last nearly long enough for my liking, but then I realize there’s another presence waiting nearby, and this time, connecting is as easy as turning a hand. Ping Ping’s love and concern is no less than Mama Bun’s, but the sweet turtle is quicker to pick up on the message I’m trying to convey, and she offers a burst of affectionate support before ambling off to go about her day. Pong Pong is next, but his greeting is far more casual and laid back, as if he knew I was fine all along and is just checking in to make sure. Buoyed by their warm intentions, I reach out in search of other nearby presences and find many nearby, but none as close as Mama Bun, Ping Ping, or Pong Pong. Probably because they were sleeping while pressed up against me, while these other presences are further, but there are also some that feel close, but less... distinct, I suppose, like there’s a pane of clouded glass between us preventing me from seeing them clearly and making contact.

Regardless of how defined the presence feels, I reach out to them nonetheless, and my first response is from Aurie who is all too delighted to say hi. My silly wildcat isn’t as coherent as Mama Bun, Ping Ping, or Pong Pong as he transmits a jumbled mess of emotions all at once, with happiness coming in clearly over a layer of muted discontent. He has grievances he wants me to address it seems, and he demands hugs and kisses too, but no matter how I try, I can’t really get him to understand I can’t just wake up and play with him just yet. In the end, I give up on trying to convey any real message at all and just send him all my love and affection, which he happily accepts and returns with warmth and happiness.

At least he’s not afraid, which means he’s probably safe, so there’s that.

One by one, I reach out to all the presences I can sense, but most remain closed off and only the floofs ever respond. Banjo and Baloo are having a grand old time, while Sarankho is a little bored and Jimjam nervous as always. My prettiest kitty would be much happier roaming about the forests of the North, while silly Jimjam is more of a homebody who hates travelling to new places. The bun-buns are sweet as ever, but not all too complex as they greet me with love and hunger aplenty, and Guai-Guai’s full of curiosity and caution until he realizes who it is and loses all interest. Princess checks in to see what all the fuss is about, but after acknowledging my presence with a disgruntled detachment, she closes herself off and ignores any further attempts to connect, though she does chime in with a burst of begrudging affection every now and then. Roc is pleased to see me, but doesn’t seem to notice anything amiss except that this is a new and interesting method of communication, while Blackjack is a bundle of joy and affection just raring to go out and play. Even Rakky comes to say hi though he doesn’t have much to say, but I think he enjoys the affection and attention I send his way since he comes back for more soon after. Or maybe not so soon, since Mama Bun, Ping Ping, and Pong Pong have all come by several times in between, breaking up the cold monotony of oblivion with their welcome intrusions. Difficult to tell time with nothing to help keep track of the seconds, but for the most part, my visitors come in waves with what feels like a long break in between, so I assume they’re visiting daily, though they could be coming in twice a day or more.

With help from their joyous little check-ins, I no longer fear falling into another pit of despair as I continue to ponder my experiences in JiangHu and try to glean as much as I can. The hope is that I somehow stumble across the solution to all my woes, but all I find are more questions to plague me. This realization sends me spiralling into pity and self-loathing, but an emotional wellness check from my floofs is more than enough to cure what ails me, a vicious cycle from which I cannot escape so long as I am left alone with my thoughts. After going through it a few dozen times, I’m reminded of a revelation I stumbled across while watching the world pass by from the Call Centre of the Void, the fortress of cheerless, comfortless, solitude I created in order to grind away at my will to exist as I severed all my emotions and desires. While watching the Death Corps die and sharing in their thoughts and memories, I realized that I was experiencing new emotions and desires faster than I could sever them, and concluded that emotion was not a finite resource that could be depleted, but rather a source of power in and of itself which, when driven by Will, can be used to control the Energy of the Heavens.

Which I suppose explains why everyone is capable of regrowing their teeth. Faith is conviction without confirmation, which in a way is also an expression of Will, so if you believe your teeth will regrow, then it just does. Maybe? I don’t know. God, I hope not, because that just raises up so many more questions about faith that I really don’t want to get into. Like if faith is all you need to make something true, then is it possible that the Mother and Father both exist, but only because the collective faith of the Empire have made it so?

No. Stop it. That is a path of endless questions without answers, so let’s try and get back on track. Put aside the theology and the Martial Path for now, and let’s talk Heavenly Energy. What do I know? Heavenly Energy is drawn towards emotion, because emotions are the product of the soul. Martial Warriors are people who possess the ability to link their minds and souls as one, thereby creating a Core with which they use to interact with Heavenly Energy, but not directly. Instead, we indirectly draw in Heavenly Energy and mark it with emotion, which as stated early, is a product of the soul, and by intertwining the two, we create Chi. Usable Heavenly Energy essentially, but since our Cores are limited in size, we can only store so much Chi within, and thus have only a finite amount to work with at any given time.

So the million dollar question is: why do humans need a medium to interact with the Energy of the Heavens?

I’m pretty sure animals don’t have Cores, not the same way Martial Warriors do, and my shattered Core didn’t stop me from creating the Call Centre of the Void and summon a storm over JiangHu, among so many other miraculous things. This isn’t to say I was working with the raw Energy of the Heavens, because I wasn’t. What I did was divest myself of emotion, which I then used to harness Heavenly Energy and direct it with my Will. To put it another way, I was making Chi without a Core to store it in, and everything worked out just fine, so why can’t everyone do the same? What makes me so special?

...

Right. Blobby!

For the longest time, I thought I lost the little droplet of Heavenly Water, but I eventually realized he was with me all along. Well, part of him was, but I split most of him off to bind the Azure Sea because I realized I could not keep him. I was lacking the capacity to carry him around all the time, and truth be told, I still am, because even though he’s only a tiny little droplet in reality, Blobby is a literal force of nature and font of Heavenly Energy, meaning he has a huge metaphysical presence. Whether it’s the mind, body, or soul, I am unable to bear his weight, but he’s chosen to work with me for reasons beyond my understanding. I assume it has to do with my Devouring Talent, but the benefits of our partnership go beyond the Cleansing of Spectres. What if he’s the reason I could ‘seize’ authority from the Heavens? Because he himself is a source of Heavenly Energy, so maybe having Blobby is like having one of those Imperial Sigils which let you give orders in the Emperor’s name.

What else is the little droplet responsible for? He taught me to Hone my Aura, so maybe he enabled me to unlock Emotional Aura too, an ability I passed on to Li-Li. How do the monks do it then? Do they have an Elemental Spirit too? What about the Half-Demons? Ugh, so many questions. That’s the problem with accidental success, the inability to pinpoint the factors which led to success in the first place.

Wait...

Is Blobby the reason why Zhen Shi went to so much effort to convince me to sever off parts of my soul? I mean, at the time, I thought I was severing fingers, but it’s clear there was more to it than making me take an active part in my own torment. It wasn’t cruelty for the sake of cruelty, he wanted me to sever my own digits for some reason or another, but until now, I never understood why. If Blobby is a font of Heavenly Energy that is bound to my soul, and emotions are the product of the soul, then it’s possible that my emotions are more desirable to Heavenly Energy by virtue of proximity to Blobby. Maybe there’s another better reason that would be so, but I feel like I’m on the right track. It would explain why I was able to create the Call Centre of the Void with a shattered Core, because the Energy of the Heavens was happy to carry out my Will in exchange for my emotions. This is the same thing most Martial Warrior’s do, mark Heavenly Energy with emotion, but the important distinction here is that I was somehow able to do the same process without the Heavenly Energy turning into Chi.

Thanks to Blobby. Probably.

Not a definitive answer, but it’s a thread I can pull at, and doing so reveals Zhen Shi’s motivation. He wanted pieces of my soul in order to directly harness Heavenly Energy, which would explain why he’s been going to such great lengths to break and recruit me. See, the soul is a powerful thing, responsible for a person’s innate Domain that renders all foreign Chi ineffective, which means Zhen Shi lacks the ability to just take portions of my soul for his own use. That’s why he needs me to surrender to his will, or failing that, chop off pieces of my soul by my own free will, because in doing so, I was essentially giving up ownership of whatever portion I lopped off. I have no idea why that would be. I guess it has something to do with Intent? But how is me chopping off a portion of my Natal Soul any different from creating a Spectre? I mean, they’re both severed fragments of soul, but I guess a lost finger lacks... agency? Why do Spectres even have agency in the first place?

...I’m getting off track again.

Pausing to indulge in another emotional reunion with Mama Bun, I assure her that we can play again soon, though I’m pretty sure I’ve made the same promise at least two-dozen times already. Thankfully, she is a sweet, guileless soul and harbours no doubts whatsoever, but I would rather not test the limits of her trust. Spurred on by my love for Mama Bun, I still my thoughts and reach for Balance for the first time in a long while, and I am rewarded with the calm comfort of my bed and the warm presence of my best friend rising up to greet me. Opening my eyes, I find myself tucked under the covers of my bed while Buddy runs roughshod over me, all tail wags and happy yips as he tackles me with aggressive affection. When the storm of doggy kisses finally abates, he snuggles up in my arms and peers up at me with his expressive brown eyes, so full of love, concern, and joy. I think... I think he knows I shouldn’t be here just yet, which I also figured out a little too late. There’s a glaring disconnect with the Natal Palace around me, like everything is covered in a haze that obscures anything more than a few meters away, the consequences of giving too much of myself over to Heal Dad from his injuries.

A price I’d pay a thousand times if necessary, because I don’t know what I’d do without him. Or Mom and my wives, alongside the rest of my family, friends, and floofs.

Though eager to head over to the computer and check on my loved ones, Buddy’s reassuring weight upon my chest keeps me firmly anchored in bed. It’s not that he’s heavy, but he’s just heavy enough that I can’t muster the energy to sit up. Instead, I sink into the warm comfort of my too large bed and cuddle my sweet pup close, not really sleeping, but not entirely awake either, save to respond to my sweet floofs whenever they check in to visit. Time passes, and then without warning, instead of just saying hi from afar, Mama Bun pops into my Natal Palace and greets me with an enthusiastic flurry of kisses, which she stops only to greet Buddy in the same way. Ping Ping and Pong Pong join us soon after, but try as I might, I cannot connect with what I know must be Lin-Lin’s bright and cheery presence to tell her I’m alright.

Ah well. I’m sure she’ll come visit on her own later.

Even though I’m well enough to accept visitors, I’ve still not recovered enough to bring them out to play. Using their visits to mark the time, another eight days pass before I am well enough to get out of bed, which is a hell of a lot longer than I expected. The first thing I do is carry Buddy over to look out the window, and though much of it is still hazy and indistinct, my Natal Palace looks exactly like I last left it, with the village, the lake, and the void outside. Seems like I really pushed myself Healing Dad, which means I need to learn my limits quickly if I want to avoid falling into comas all the time. I can wield tremendous amounts of power, but not without cost, as I am limited by my lacking body, mind, and soul. That’s why I keep passing out, because my... existence can’t handle all the Heavenly Energy passing through me, but I don’t know how to upgrade my stats to better... handle the... burden.

Hang on.

Did I go into a coma after JiangHu?

I mean... I abandoned my body to hide inside the Call Centre of the Void, but I don’t remember passing out for even a minute, much less days, weeks or months. No, I was conscious the whole time, which I know because I kept checking in on my friends, family, and floofs. Hell, I have a steady stream of Mama Bun snoot-selfies to prove it, but... how? I must have used a metric butt-tonne of Heavenly Energy that day, so how come I didn’t have to pay a price? Because I wasn’t using my Core? That’s it, isn’t it? The Core is the medium through which Martial Warriors harness the Energy of the Heavens, but my Core was shattered so I had to use a roundabout method to do what I did. Can I replicate that? Probably. I went all loopy and disconnected after JiangHu because everything I built up was too big to fit inside the Core I eventually recreated, but I can probably work around that. Why can’t I tack on an extra sun-room to my Natal Palace, somewhere connected to my Core but situated outside of it, where I can freely connect with and utilize the Energy of the Heavens?

Moving even as the idea occurs to me, I appear at the edge of my Natal Palace and lift my foot to step out into the Void, only to find Buddy no longer curled up in my arms but pulling at my pants’ leg and growling up a storm while trembling from head to toe. My heart aches just seeing him so scared, so I quickly scoop him up and return to my bedroom while cooing in wordless apology. That was probably a stupid idea, but I still wanted to try it even if there were Spectres waiting outside to tear me to shreds. Let’s be honest, after Devouring so many of them, I’ve pretty much completely lost my fear of Spectres and see them as more of a nuisance than anything else, but it seems like Buddy knows better. Why though? Why would they pose a threat to me out in the Void?

Oh. Duh. Because I’d be outside the innate protection offered by my soul. Even though I’d be out there as a soul, which doesn’t make sense. Oh, maybe I’m wrong, and the inviolability of souls isn’t a unique feature of the soul itself, but a product of the bond between body, mind, and soul. Balance right? Damn, I can feel myself getting smarter already.

Oh right. Also, my body and mind need a soul to... you know... live. Pretty sure I almost died when Zhen Shi tricked me out of my Natal Palace and into his, so I think I just narrowly avoided a big oopsie. I don’t feel so smart anymore, but luckily, I have the best boy Buddy here with me. Maybe I can send a Natal Soul out instead, which is probably what I do when visiting other Natal Palaces. That’s why Zhen Shi thought the term Natal Soul was apt, but the problem is I can’t trust my Natal Souls anymore. They’re essentially Spectres by another name, so what happens if my Natal Soul goes rogue and runs off to tell Zhen Shi all my secrets just to spite me? That’s totally what I’d do if I was sent out into the Void as a test subject, so I’m not sure it’s such a great idea.

Having exhausted all other avenues of thought and come up upon dead ends in every direction, I head back to bed to rest and cuddle Buddy until Mama Bun and the others return for another visit. Finally feeling good enough to bring them out and about, I bring everyone to the lake to have a grand old time, swimming and splashing about. When it comes time for them to leave again, I bid them all a fond farewell before bringing Buddy to the computer, because I feel like I can finally afford to turn it on without straining myself too much. As the PC powers up, I take a moment to bask in my brilliant, idiot-proof method of using Chi, because this is a Keystone that surpasses all others. To be completely honest, I have no idea how this PC keystone works, but that doesn’t matter because I don’t really know how a regular computer works either. It just does, but it’s a sort of magic I am familiar with, making it the perfect medium through which to interact with the ineffable Energy of the Heavens.

For example, when I open up a browser to watch a live stream of what happening around me, I know that I’m using some sort of Scrying and I guess Listening to see and hear what’s going on in the world around me, which is then displayed on the monitor in my room. If I’m not meditating in the physical world, the PC transmits that image to my eyes, where I see a picture-in-picture view of whatever I’m scrying in the corner of my perspective. Useful, but saying I’m using the PC keystone to Scry is the same as saying you use a remote to turn on the television. Technically correct, yet utterly lacking in any and all scientific or technological information, but if all you wanna do is watch tv, do you really need to know anymore? This isn’t a bad thing, because my obsessive need to understand Heavenly Energy is really holding me back, so it would be great if I could just go along with what works for now, and leave the understanding and comprehension for later. Right now, I need power, and my Keystone PC provides it in spades.

Thank the Heavens for PC master race. Even though it’s more or less the same sort of technology, I can’t imagine I would’ve ever made the same connections if I was a console peasant in my previous life.

As the monitor comes to life, I’m greeted by the all too familiar sight of my boring desktop, with the journal.txt icon sitting in the middle of the screen. Double clicking it on reflex, I review everything I’d written inside it before and continue adding all my new thoughts, forming a long, sprawling narrative of my scattered musings and revelations that almost make sense, but isn’t quite there just yet. One thing that stands out is that there’s a lot more One’s than I remember. One with the Sword, One with the Self, One with the World, One with the Heavens, One with the Core, One with the Blobby, just so very many Ones. Other than that though, I already touched upon most of the important bits already, but I’m still unable to make the necessary connections needed to understand what’s going on and figure out a way forward from here.

Frustrated with my stalled progress, I fiddle around with the PC some more but find that there’s pretty much nothing it can do. My browser opens up to a blank page, the Sending app does the same, and all the other little tools I created to make Chi easier to use fail to even load up a UI. There’s nothing I can use to contact the waking world, and the only thing I can do is check on my health, which shows me in good physical condition, but nothing else. After a little clicking around and thinking things through, I come to the conclusion that I’ve yet to recover enough to utilize any Chi, which my Keystone PC interprets as a lack of internet connection. Amusing as that might be, I find myself stuck in a loop checking the connection every three seconds to see if anything’s changed, just like I would’ve done in my past life. Time passes and all I do is rest, pore over my notes, and play with Buddy, Mama Bun, and the turtles whenever they come to visit, while spending the rest of my waking moments spent staring at the no connection icon while browsing through my gallery of Mama Bun snoot selfies.

Which honestly, is actually kinda fun. I forget how relaxing looking at cute animal pictures can be, an almost zen like experience full of joy and happiness. Now I just need more pics, because cute as Mama Bun’s snoot might be, I’m getting a little bored of seeing the same angle. I’d like to see some feet, booty, and belly pics too.

Without warning, the no connection icon finally disappears and I scramble to check in on the world around me. Double-clicking the orange browser icon, the familiar page with the red and white theme pops up like usual, but there’s only one live stream I can watch. Clicking the thumbnail brings me to a full screen feed showing me an overhead view of my body’s immediate surroundings as I lay comatose on a cot inside my yurt. There are three other cots in the room, two to my left and one on my right, all lined up nice and neat in a row. The ones on the left have the blankets neatly folded, but have since been disturbed and crumpled, while the cot on my right has its blankets left as if someone just crawled out them, a sight which just fills me with so much joy. My wives are many things, but neat is not one of them, and I can tell from a glance that Lin-Lin is the only one using her cot these days. The other two cots obviously belong to Mila and Yan, but they’ve been gone for a few days and the floofs have taken over. This tells me they’re no longer in Meng Sha, assuming that’s where my body currently is, which means I’ve been asleep for much longer than I thought. The plan was to fortify the harbour before moving our troops elsewhere, so either the plans have changed or I’ve been asleep for so long the war has already resumed. What plan did Akanai go with? Are we sticking close to the coast, or are we moving troops inland to better fortify the borders? Is it an all out military conquest, or are we just raiding supply lines and making a general nuisance of ourselves to bait the Enemy out of position? How many battles have been fought and soldiers lost while I lay here comatose and useless?

Or maybe there’s another explanation for my missing wives, one I cannot bear to even put into words, but the mere possibility leaves me trembling in panic. Desperate to know more, I take hold of the mouse and keyboard in an attempt to pan around, but no matter what I try, my view is locked in place unlike the last time I used the PC to view my surroundings. There’s no audio either, because there’s no way it could be so quiet in an armed camp during the day, and all my efforts to Send or use Aura result in failure once again. Logically, I know that this means I’m still in recovery and unable to use too much Chi, but I keep trying to push my limits regardless. The camera shakes as I slam my mouse and mash the arrow keys repeatedly, but still remains locked in place as rage and despair swells into a full-blown meltdown that has me ready to smash my fist through the monitor out of sheer frustration and burgeoning desperation.

And then Buddy’s cold nose shocks me out of my nervous breakdown and I look down to find his big, brown eyes staring up in concern. That’s all he does, look at me while sitting beside me in my chair with his chin resting against my arm, but that’s all it takes to help me find my composure once more. He doesn’t understand why I’m freaking out, nor does he understand the stakes involved, he’s just unhappy to see me so distressed and wants to cheer me up by keeping me company in these tough times. Leaning down to hug him tight, I kiss his head and sigh as he nuzzles up against me, basking in the warmth and comfort of my furry best friend. “Good boy,” I say, and his tail goes into overdrive as he muscles his way over to sit on my lap even though he’s long since grown too big to fit. “Good dog.”

I wish I could bring Buddy out into the real world. Of all the crazy things I’ve pulled off, I think Buddy might well be the most incredible, because I know in my heart of hearts that his existence is a downright miracle. He was a part of me that I brought over from my past life, and while he’s technically a Natal Soul created in the image of my old dog, he’s not a puppet or figment of my imagination like Baledagh. In a lot of ways, Buddy is like a Spectre, a fragment of a soul left behind by the real Buddy from my past life, except he’s more complete. He isn’t the byproduct left behind from unwanted rage, sorrow, or any other emotions, negative or otherwise, but the product of all the emotions and memories I carried with me from my past life into the next, the good and the bad combined. While technically this makes him a re-creation, he’s still the exact same dog down to the last detail save for the lack of a physical body, a free-thinking entity with an identity and agency all his own.

Buddy is my best friend and guardian angel, and right now, he’s telling me that whatever happens, we’ll get through this together.

Not in so many words, because he’s a dog and doesn’t really have complex thoughts, but he’s showing this sentiment through his actions and emotions. No matter what happens, I’ll always have him by my side, because he loves me and knows I love him too. Having calmed myself down, I wipe away the tears and kiss my dog’s head one last time before turning off the computer, because pushing myself to see and do more will only harm me in the long run. I’m limited because I pushed myself too far, so there’s no point pushing even harder just to stare at an empty room. Even though it’s already taken far longer than I would like, it’ll take even longer to recover if I don’t allow myself to rest and recuperate.

Calm serenity washes over me like a soothing dip in the pool, and now that I’m no longer staring at the monitor, I find the presence of mind to go over my dilemma without devolving into panic. If I can Scry, I should be able to Send, so what’s the issue here? It’s possible the problem stems from the Keystone PC itself, namely that I depend on it too much. It’s a useful multi-purpose tool that enables me to do so much with my Chi while barely having to focus on it at all. I can set up an overhead view of myself while fighting to cover my blind-spots, or Send to multiple recipients with ease, not to mention Scry on people far away and keep track of important documents and such, but the only way I can do these things is through the PC. It’s a great workaround, but it’s left me wholly unable to do those same things on my own without using the Keystone. Dad warned me about this, that the Keystones would keep me from familiarizing myself with my Chi skills, but it was too useful a tool to give up so easily, and now I am paying the price for my laziness.

So why can’t I Send using the PC? Why is my Scrying locked in place? Maybe because I’m trying to do so through the PC. Being such a complicated, multipurpose Keystone, I imagine just turning it on requires a fair amount of Chi to sustain, even if I’m not using it for any purpose. Idle power draw, in other words, and while most of the time it would be negligible, there’s a good chance I’m so damaged that even that minor amount puts a strain on my Chi circulatory system. Thus, I can only barely Scry on my surroundings, and Sending is out of the question because when I open the messaging app, it usually shows me a list of everyone in range of Sending, but the mere act of determining who’s in range is already too much for my injured body, mind, and soul to handle.

I have no proof at all, but that seems about right.

Good thing I know how to Send manually. It’s probably best to contact Lin-Lin first, because even though she can’t Send back, she can come visit me in my Natal Palace where we can talk without putting too much strain on my Chi system. Closing my eyes and hugging Buddy tight, I envision the sound wave my words would make and focus on the presence of my sweet Lin-Lin, who I love and adore so much. “Hi wifey,” I Send, wishing I could see the bright, beautiful smile on her face when she hears my voice. “It’s me. Can you hear me? I’m sorta awake now and the animals have been visiting, so I think you can come visit too.”

Even this short message leaves me feeling drained and overworked, and it takes all my strength to carry my dog over to bed and crawl underneath the covers. Sinking into the blissful oblivion of dreamless sleep for the first time in forever, unwelcome awareness returns in what feels like the blink of an eye as I wake to the sensation of Buddy running around the bed again, while yipping up a storm of glee. This is pretty much his normal reaction to visitors, one I am well used to, but much as I would love to keep sleeping, a thought strikes me and my eyes bolt open in excitement. Buddy is chasing and being chased by Mama Bun and Ping Ping while Pong Pong takes it all in with a little turtle smile, totally normal stuff, but as I turn to the left, I’m greeted by the angelic sight of my sweet wifey laying on the bed beside me, her eyes closed in sleep and adorable features pinched in quiet sorrow as she burrows deeper into the pillow to avoid waking even a second sooner. Reaching over to move her hair aside and stroke her cheek, I’m reminded of why I love this life so much, despite my dislike for the world itself.

Because when Lin-Lin opens her eyes and lights up with glee and delight, it makes all the pain and suffering well worth it a thousand times over. “Hi hubby!”

“Hi wifey,” I reply, fighting back the tears as my unchecked emotions threaten to overwhelm me as I hug her tight. “Missed you.”

“Missed you more.” Planting a kiss on my cheek, she snuggles into my chest and giggles uncontrollably while flutter-kicking her feet. “I knew something was going on when Mama Bun stopped throwing tantrums in the morning, but Daddy said it would be dangerous for me to try and go into your Natal Palace if you weren’t awake yet. Said it could put too much strain on you or worse, so I had to wait. Then I got your message, which was really, really, reallllly quiet by the way, and I came straight to bed to find you.” Looking up at me with eyes so full of love and affection, she flashes a devilish grin and asks, “So I guess you wanna know what’s goin’ on, ya? That’s why you called me first, huh?”

Ignoring the fact that she just revealed that she told Taddy about her secretive trips to my Natal Palace, I touch my nose to hers and luxuriate in her presence. “You know me too well, wifey, but I would’ve called you first anyways.”

My honest flattery earns me a more honest smile, but as Lin-Lin fills me in on Akanai’s plan, my heart seizes in my chest at the sheer scope of her ambition, targeting not one, but three high value targets at once. Thankfully, I’ve only been asleep for little more than a month and the fighting has yet to really start, but there’s only a few days before the hostilities kick off. As we bring the floofs out to play and I fret over the future, I end up confiding in my wifey about everything that’s happened during my convalescence, which is really just me thinking out loud. “If only I could send Natal Souls out to scout and help out,” I continue, desperate for a way to lend a hand. “Or at the very least, see what’s happening and report back.”

“Why can’t you hubby?” Curled up in my lap, Lin-Lin basks in my embrace while watching the animals play, a warm and reassuring presence if there ever was one. “You did that in JiangHu, didn’t you? They helped so much there, why wouldn’t it work again?”

“It worked out, but only because I was lucky. I didn’t know how dangerous it could be at the time, and I can’t afford to roll the dice again.” After confessing how I caught a good number of my Natal Souls behaving in a less than helpful fashion, I conclude, “All it takes is a sliver of my depressive attitude to slip in and my Natal Soul becomes a Spectre in all but name, a gloomy, discouraging apparition that might well turn someone into a full-fledged Demon, or worse.” I’d hate to see what sort of Demon my Natal Souls would become, though on the bright side, I can’t imagine they’d be useful in battle. They’d probably turn into one of those super sad, wrinkly, droopy dogs that are so ugly they’re kinda cute, ones without fangs or claws to boot. “Until I can ensure my Natal Souls are only made from benign or positive emotions, I can’t risk setting them loose on the world anymore. There are enough Spectres as is, and the last thing I need is for them to start committing crimes against humanity in my name.”

Sliding off my lap, Lin-Lin sits herself down across from me and crosses her arms with a frown. “Hubby,” she begins, looking adorably troubled with her lips pursed and brows furrowed, “You’re being silly.” Or stupid, as Mila would put it, but sweet Lin-Lin is too kind to tell it to me straight. “I thought as much when you mentioned wondering why Spectres have agency, but I wasn’t sure if you were just joking.” How is that a joke? Then again, I suppose I do have an odd sense of humour, so she probably got used to shrugging off my nonsensical remarks. Seeing my confusion, my sweet wifey sighs and puts on her serious face, which she usually only uses while studying Healing. “You should already know the answer hubby, it’s the same answer as always. Balance in all things, ya?”

Much as I would love to claim that the veil parts and understanding dawns upon me in an instant, it takes longer than I’d care to admit to pick up on what she’s putting down. “...Right! Spectres have agency because they lack Balance, so the urge to correct that is what drives them.” Frowning, I add, “But Demons don’t seem like a very Balanced outcome...”

“That’s because they aren’t hubby.” There’s no frustration or impatience in her tone, just love and tolerance a plenty. “Spectres are fragments of a Soul created when people shed unwanted emotions, like anger, sorrow, hatred, and other sad, yucky feelings, right? The intent is to be rid of them, but the Spectres don’t wanna fade out of existence. That’s why they attach themselves to Defiled, because they wanna be whole again, but since they’re all full of yucky emotions, they end up unbalancing their host too.”

“...Making Demons the end result of extreme Imbalance. Right, right. Makes sense.”

Feeling a little silly for not seeing the obvious answer sooner, I’m reminded of what Mahakala told me on his deathbed. “Our world is imbalanced, and it is the Brotherhood who strive to fix it. No longer trapped by the cycle of samsara, itinerant souls seek to break through the barrier of existence and end it. If everything is in nihility then time and space become meaningless. An end to suffering yes, but an end to all else, the desperate last effort of the lost and destitute, Eh-Mi-Tuo-Fuo.”

Translation: The Spectres want to find Balance, but are unable to do so by any natural means, so instead they drive the world further towards extreme imbalance in order to... what? Overturn the board and start fresh? Or maybe I’m putting too much thought into this by giving the Spectres an actual unified goal. Maybe they’re just doing as their nature dictates, and the consequent plague upon humanity is just an unintended consequence.

“Okay,” I declare, sort of by not really understand it all. “So Maybe that’s why my ‘good’ Natal Souls all eventually get used up, because my Intent was for them to help and they knew their continued existence would be counterproductive to that. Except... how does this change... anything?”

Stifling her giggles so I don’t feel bad for being dumb, Lin-Lin reaches out and pinches my cheeks. “Now I get why Mi-Mi always gets so frustrated when you ask questions. You aren’t even trying to think for yourself hubby. Balance isn’t about good and evil, you know this already. The Defiled are just one end of the scale, while the Empire the other. To me and you, the Defiled are evil but Balance doesn’t care. Sheep see the wolf as evil, and shrimp probably see Pong Pong as evil, but Balance just is. All it sees is humans on one side of the scale, so it puts the Defiled on the other end to even things out. That’s all there is to Balance.” Seeing that I still don’t get her point, Lin-Lin deflates and asks, “So if your problem with Natal Souls isn’t about whether they’re good or evil...?”

As Lin-Lin falls silent to let me fill in the rest, I slowly voice my uncertain answer. “It’s about Balance, which means... I need to... make sure my Natal Souls... are Balanced?” Upon seeing her smile and nod in confirmation, my next question freezing the expression on my sweet wifey’s adorable face. “But how?”

“I dunno hubby,” Lin-Lin replies, shrugging ever so sweetly before pointedly turning to look at the floofs playing by the seaside. “But I think you already did, and he’s become more than just a Natal Soul.”

This time, I immediately know what she’s talking about, because there’s only one answer available, my sweet, silly dog whose ears flap about as he runs with mouth wide open. “Buddy? I mean... I guess he sorta is, but he’s not... I can’t like... control him. He’s a dog, and not a particularly smart one either. If I send him out into the world, all he’ll do is run around sniffing things and maybe incite a squirrel genocide.”

“Then just go with him, ya?” Leaning back on her arms, Lin-Lin rocks side to side while staring up at the sky, clearly yearning to go paragliding soon. “You said Buddy helps keep you Balanced, ya? Then won’t he do the same for your Natal Soul?”

Somehow, it doesn’t seem like things will go so smoothly, but I can’t come up with any arguments to refute her. Mulling it over as I summon a hang glider into existence, I load up the floofs and consider my options while Lin-Lin brings us soaring through the air, and her delighted laughs bring a much needed smile to my face. Even though she’s no Martial Warrior, my sweet wifey understands Balance the best, because she is so in touch with her emotions at all times. While she has her secrets, she wears her heart on her sleeve and follows her heart’s desires as often as she can, a true free spirit who refuses to be bound by customs or other expectations. If she wants to climb, she climbs, and when she wants to run, she’ll run, and she won’t let anything stop her from doing as she pleases. That’s her Dao, a cheery, breezy, carefree Path that leads wherever her heart desires, which makes her the most Balanced person I know.

Meaning it would be stupid of me not to at least consider her advice.

Of which she still has more to give, but not until it comes time to leave. “Bye hubby,” she says, pouting as she stifles a yawn and clings tightly to my waist. “You better wake up soon, okay? Everyone’s busy and I’m lonely, so focus on getting better quick. Also, you’re too focused on getting stronger, but I think you’re plenty strong already, so you should just get better at not falling asleep every time you use your strength, ya? I dunno if you’re right about all that body, mind, and soul stuff, but you’re probably making it more complicated than it needs to be. In the end, all three of those things are you, so instead of focusing on one part at a time, maybe try making yourself better as a whole? Then you don’t have to worry about not being able to fit your soul into your Core or whatever.”

“I’ll do my best.” If only it was that easy, though she does make plenty of sense, especially given my propensity to over-complicate things. I like breaking things down to the smallest possible denominator, because that generally makes them easier to understand, but thus far, I’ve found little to no success in doing so. Not because the method is flawed mind you, but because I don’t know enough about anything to really explain things.

“And your best is all you’ll need.”

Kissing me goodbye one last time, she waves as I send everyone off to their sleeping selves for a good night’s rest, leaving me and Buddy alone once more. Glancing at my sweet doggy, I decide against acting right away and head back to bed for another nap. Not much I can do in the dead of night anyways, so might as well wait until morning to start. Somehow, Buddy senses my intent to bring him out for a trip, because rather than laze in bed for as long as I will let him, he wakes me none-too-gently as soon as he feels he’s waited long enough. Stifling a sigh even as I grin at his innocent excitement, I sit up and close my eyes while focusing on me, myself, and I. Balance is the key, so what I need is not an agent of good or evil, positive or negative, but a Natal Soul who is me in every sense of the word. A true Natal Soul mind you, not just a bundle of emotions I don’t want anymore, but all of my emotions, good and bad, along with a heaping helping of my perspective to boot. In short, what I need is not a puppet or snapshot of myself, but a reflection who shares a portion of my soul and is part and parcel of the whole.

And when I open my eyes, I stand before another me, who inspects me even as I inspect myself. I still think I look a little off, like my physical self doesn’t entirely match up with the mental image I have of me, but appearances don’t matter too much. At the same time, we both shrug our shoulders and utter, “Good enough”, only for us both to wince at the sound of our own voice. Not because it’s loud or unpleasant, but because it sounds so weird when hearing it from this newfangled perspective. Deciding it best to move on, a black leash attached to a red harness appears around Buddy with little more than thought, though I find it mildly concerning me when I can’t figure out if I created the leash and harness, or if my Natal Soul did.

Not that it matters. One with the Self, and One with the Natal Soul, for I am me, and he’s me too.

...Or maybe Buddy made it. I don’t know anymore.

Finding it all too confusing to keep track of, I take a seat at the computer and turn on the stream so I can just watch things from my other perspective. I’m not sure how I knew it would work or why it does, but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. “Alright. Bye for now. Don’t lose my dog.”

Scoffing at the absurdity of my own statement, I roll my eyes at how much of a worrywart I can be while petting my excited doggo’s head. “I know just as well as you do that Buddy is not an off-leash dog.”

“Don’t talk back to me,” I snap, feeling annoyed by my sass and a little ridiculous for talking to myself. “Also, try not to directly interfere with things. You’re a part of me, but a finite part, so every time you expend Chi, you’ll lose some of yourself and risk becoming unbalanced. If I’m right, Buddy is a fully-fledged Soul all on his own, one capable of sustaining himself through his own emotions, so he should be better equipped to handle things than you are.”

“Yea, yea, I know.” Brimming with impatience at all the delays, I try to ease up on the attitude and tell myself, “I’m you, remember? I know everything you know.” Well, I did, right up until we separated for this mission, so now I know a little more because I’ve learned firsthand how much of a pain in the ass I can be.

“You know I can hear your thoughts right?”

“Good. Then you can hear this.” An image of a bald man in a grey suit with a scar running down the right side of his face appears in my mind and tells me to ‘zip it’.

Stifling a smile, I give myself the finger and say, “Get outta here, dumbass. Don’t fuck this up.”

“No promises.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grinning as I let Buddy drag me out into the world, I run alongside him as he dashes through the desert with unbridled glee.

There’s something just so incredible about how an animal expresses pure glee and delight that has me grinning from ear to ear. Buddy has his tongue out, tail wagging, and nose wiggling as he sniffs this and that, and I have no doubt he would be peeing over everything even remotely interesting if he still needed to pee. He’s loving the freedom and so am I, because even though Cloud-Stepping is cool and all, moving around as a Natal Soul is just the epitome of freedom, not bound by gravity, stamina, or any other forces of the world. I have no idea how we’re moving, because Buddy just took off running and I followed along without thinking, but I don’t regret it even for an instant. I’m just a Natal Soul, which means the only real threats to my existence are Zhen Shi and the Spectres, but I’m fairly certain I can Devour them both if they challenge me out here in the real world, or at the very least evade capture. If not, I only need to make sure Buddy gets back to my Natal Palace safely, which shouldn’t be too difficult to manage. I mean, he’s a dog right? Dogs are great at finding their way home, even ones that... are maybe not so smart and have never been out on their own before... right?

Okay, so I have some regrets. I probably should’ve done some testing before diving in head first, but let’s be fair. Most of my outstanding achievements were accomplished while flying by the seat of my pants, because as much as I love to ponder and plan about things, things rarely work out as intended.

The kilometres melt away as we zoom through the desert and we arrive at our first stop without incident. A feat worthy of celebration if we weren’t in a warzone, which is exactly what the area around Shi Bei has turned into. Keeping a firm grip on Buddy’s leash, I keep him close by as we make our way through the Imperial camp and see how Nian Zu’s siege is going, and the only words that come to mind are bloody and boring. Situated on a sandy dune that overlooks the city, the Irregulars toil away with their crossbows and catapults while soldiers sit in a defensive formation and wait for the Enemy offensives. From above, Liu Xuande’s troop deployment looks near flawless at first glance, and upon further study, I pick up on the few flaws he intentionally left behind so as to better predict where the Enemy might strike. A weakness is only a weakness if left unguarded, so the Enemy will be in for a rude awakening if they end up taking the bait.

A simple concept in theory, until you try to scale it up for use in an army over a million soldiers strong, but so far, it appears Liu Xuande has yet to make a mistake.

The battle lines shift like the ebb and flow of the tides, with the Enemy pushing in from one direction and the Imperial soldiers forming up to meet them, only for the Defiled to flow away in search of an easier target while avoiding the bolts raining down upon them from overhead. This happens six times in succession as the Enemy probes the Imperial defences and responses before committing to an attack on the left flank. Shifting over in the blink of an eye, I pick my beloved wife Yan out of the crowd with little more than a glance, for her striking figure makes for a heroic sight as she unleashes a torrential Sanguine Whirlwind upon her clustered foes. The Chi attack whips up a storm of sand and blood as it drives deep into the Defiled lines, leaving naught but a swathe of corpses behind. A valiant effort, but even as I mentally note that it seems a bit early to come in swinging for the fences, my beloved wife takes a step back from the fighting and takes charge as her soldiers barrel into the breach left by her Elemental attack. The Imperial Warriors roar in challenge and victory as they drive a deep wedge into the Enemy forces, only to pivot and throw themselves upon the smaller half from all sides. Divide and conquer, a tried and true strategy for sure, and the Defiled tribesmen die in droves beneath the coordinated slashes and thrusts of her retinue’s sabres and spears.

Yan has done wonders training her rag-tag band of soldiers to work in concert on the battlefield, and it warms my heart to see her succeed. On the micro scale, her efforts helped her secure an easy enough victory, but more importantly, now she has the freedom to send troops to support the retinues stationed around her. The minor advantage she claimed by acting quickly and decisively then snowballs into a larger advantage as the Enemy finds themselves facing a foe far more united and coordinated than ever. Yan has quickly learned to think beyond her immediate surroundings and look at the battlefield as a whole, doing her part to live up to the potential Chen Hongji saw in her all the way back in Sinuji. Every time my wife acts, she makes a big move that doesn’t seem like much in the grand scheme of things, but has wide-spread implications for the battle as a whole. Shifting forward to secure a flank, shoring up a weakness in the line, moving in response to the Enemy adjustments and more, Yan is proving herself as a standout talent not just in the Martial Path, but in tactical command as well. The only thing really holding her back is her lack of a proper Domain, though I notice she’s Formed her Natal Palace in my absence. Pride and joy well up from within as I watch my wife excel in her chosen field of work, and I watch for longer than I should given the circumstances, but I can’t help it. It took a lot of courage to leave home and follow her dreams, so it’s gratifying to see how far she’s come since.

Maybe I should give her a hand and help her with Domain Development. I did it for Rustram, and I haven’t seen it affecting him adversely in any way, so why shouldn’t I do the same for my wife?

Before I can act, I become aware of Buddy tugging at his leash beside me. It’s an adorable sight to behold, the black strap clenched firmly beneath his somewhat crooked teeth as he scoots backwards with every tug, growling up a storm to remind me that I’m not supposed to take action. “Sorry Buddy,” I reply, loosening my grip on his leash to pat his head and smiling as he leans into the touch. “I forgot. Good dog.” Pursing my lips, I gesture at Yan and ask, “Can you help her Develop a Domain?”

To which my dog simply tilts his head, with visible confusion etched across his adorable expression.

You know... I’m not entirely sure why I thought Buddy would be helpful here. Miracle though he might be, at the end of the day, he’s still a dog, which I already pointed out. In fact, I’m beginning to suspect Lin-Lin knew as much and only told me to send him out so she could suggest I make a Natal Soul go along to protect him. If she framed it other way around and said I should have Buddy watch over my Natal Soul, I would’ve balked at the implication that I need supervising, especially from a dog no less.

But... she’s right. I do need a supervisor, and Buddy is doing a damn fine job.

Accepting that Yan will just have to figure Domain out for herself, I stay and watch her work for as long as I feel appropriate before turning my attention elsewhere to see how things are going. The battle continues unabated as the Enemy commits more and more forces to the offensive, but every opening and weakness they try to exploit turns out to be a cleverly crafted trap laid out by Liu Xuande. Some are deviously cunning, like leading an entire contingent of Chosen into an ambush led by Ryo Da’in, whose elite soldiers tear through their unsuspecting foes from behind. Others are just a clever use of resources, like dispatching Exarch Gam to topple an entire dune and bury a flanking force, or tasking Yong-Jin and several other young Central Officers to feign a retreat to pull the Enemy out of position. Then there’s the tactic of sending Grandpa Du out to kill, which I can really only describe as bullying the weak, because he’s finally gotten a handle on a new and interesting skill which I gave him the idea for. A pressure bomb essentially, but rather than a single orb of contained and compressed air I’d initially envisioned, he’s created a multi-layered bomb that is technically demanding in terms of time and skill but highly efficient in Chi usage. Every time he acts, he opens up by killing an important tactical target with his bomb, whether it be a Chieftain, Officer, or even a Demon threatening the forces on the ground. The explosion is not as widespread as I thought it’d be, but after unleashing his Air bomb eleven times in total, he has yet to fail to kill his target in one strike as his Chi skill creates a directed explosion that pierces through Domain, armour, flesh, and bone with equal ease.

A very impressive achievement, but I know he can do better. If he was willing to ease up on the Chi efficiency, I think I could help him cut down on the time and skill needed to craft his seven-layered Air bombs and simultaneously increase their power, because he’s going about it too directly. He’s creating an orb of Domain and forcing Air Chi into it before forcibly sealing it shut, but all it would take is an application of push/pull mechanics to increase the efficiency and pressure. If he sets a negative pressure wind loop to slowly pull air out of the bottom of the orb while simultaneously pushing air quickly in from above, he can probably double the pressure in each layer. He’ll have to be quick about it, but seeing how much control he has over his Air Chi, I doubt that will be an issue, but I have no idea how I can pass the message along.

A slight tug from Buddy precedes his growl of warning, but I still manage to Send out a message to Grandpa Du. Not so much in words, but more of an impression and idea, the essence of which can be distilled down to ‘push and pull’. If I told him in words, he might not understand, but the impression should leave him feeling like he’s forgetting to exert all possible force in his attacks, and he’ll quickly figure out where. Giving my disapproving dog an apologetic smile, I give his chin a good tickle before signalling that it’s time for us to go, because Nian Zu and Liu Xuande have things well in hand. Much as I would love to help Yan too, I have faith in her abilities as well as Grandpa Du’s teachings, so I might as well let nature take its course.

Besides, teaching Grandpa Du is the same thing as teaching Yan, since he will happily pass on everything he knows to her. And it’s not like I did much either, since Grandpa Du would’ve figured out the push-pull thing soon enough.

Heading over to the city proper, I cautiously poke around in search of Mao Jianghong, but none of the buildings really stand out and scream ‘command centre here’. Which makes sense since the catapults and Nian Zu could easily reduce it to rubble in a single volley, but I figured I’d try anyways. With nothing else to do in Shi Bei, I set out in search of my beloved Mila and find her more or less where I expected, deep in Enemy territory southwest of Tian Zangli, which has been reduced to blood and ashes behind Akanai’s army. Her cavalry focused forces move through the desert at a brisk and frankly unsustainable pace, but my Grand-Mentor knows better than to demand more than the animals can give. The issue is there’s several armies of Defiled hot on her heels, and while none are large enough to truly threaten her forces on their own, they will catch up eventually and leave her no choice but to deal with them on the field of battle, slowing her progress even further and buying time for other Defiled forces to box her in.

While Akanai commands the overall army, my sister holds command of the Sentinels, and she is a sight to behold as she weaves her quin archers to and fro to bleed and distract the Enemy. A single volley is all it takes to enrage the targeted Defiled forces, and she is quick to draw them out and away from the rest of Akanai’s forces. A quick jaunt through the desert shows a large number of scattered Defiled lost and dying in the sands, separated from the bulk of their allies and unable to find their way through the sea of dunes. Clever that, using the terrain and climate to whittle down the Enemy numbers, for without water, the Defiled won’t last twenty four hours before collapsing on their feet. Some try to drink the blood of the allies and mounts to help assuage their thirst, but little do they know that the salt content makes this unsustainable even for those with Defiled constitutions. The only escape is no true escape at all, but to give in to despair and Demonize in order to survive, which is really no escape at all. Though there is always hope so long as one still lives, I cannot imagine a world in which living on as a Demon is preferable to death.

Much as I would like to free those poor souls from their torment, Buddy is quick to warn me not to act, for my greatest defence from Zhen Shi at the moment lies in obscurity. Since he has yet to discern my existence, he won’t intentionally act against me, but once he learns of my involvement, I doubt he’ll remain still for long.

Which means if I intend to make any big moves, I need to make it count.

Returning to Alsantset’s riders, I scour the Sentinels for my beloved Mila, but she is nowhere to be found. Panic threatens to overwhelm me once more, but Buddy quickly calms me down, and soon enough, I find my wife not riding with the Sentinels, but seated in a wagon beside her father. Bloodied, battered, and beaten are the only words to describe him, and it pains me to see Husolt in such poor condition, but at least he still draws breath. Surprisingly so, considering the massive, gaping, scabbed over wound on his chest where a spear went clean through. Just missed his heart by millimetres, it would seem, though the blade could have nicked it coming out. His other injuries are superficial at most, meaning he was fairly evenly matched with his opponent, and with Akanai laying claim on the Mataram Patriarch, I can’t imagine Husolt stepping on her toes to challenge him instead. So who else could have injured him like this? Even though he’s a blacksmith first and a Warrior second, Dad once told me that Husolt’s weapons are always in high demand because he is one of the few blacksmiths who understood how to wield a wide variety of weapons with no small amount of expertise. A question for later I suppose, and seeing how his life isn’t in any danger, I seat myself across from Mila and wish I could take all her pain away.

Unable to stop myself, I reach over to stroke her cheek, but there is no warmth or texture to be felt. At least I can’t pass through her like an ethereal ghost, since her Domain keeps me from doing so, but that’s all there is, a solid, invisible barrier that simply blocks my fingers from touching the soft, freckled skin beneath. Even this much is enough to set Buddy to tugging his leash and growling up a storm, but I cannot help but try again. This time, there’s a response as Mila looks up and glances around in confusion, and much as it pains me to leave her in distress like this, Buddy’s protests grow too insistent to ignore. Giving into his tugs, I let him led me away not just from my wife, but from the entire army itself, and no matter how I plead and cajole, he refuses to head back over. He’s a stubborn dog, he is, resisting my attempts to pick him up and enjoying every second of our game, running off as far as his leash will allow before turning back to see if I’ll follow with bright, brown eyes so full of life and tail wagging at the speed of light. It’s impossible to be mad at him, so I take one last look towards my wife and wish her all the best before setting out to our next destination.

On the way over, I study my dog in an attempt to figure out what’s setting him off. I understand him stopping me from helping Yan with her Domain and getting irked when I Sent a helpful message to Grandpa Du, but why did he stop me from trying to console Mila? I didn’t do anything with Chi, I just wanted to stroke her cheek and offer a little support, let her know she wasn’t alone and that things would be alright, but Buddy’s reaction was far more intense than when I tried to help Yan. Why? I have no idea, but I assume he has a valid reason. While I’d never call him smart, he’s a natural companion who only has my best interests at heart, so he’d really only drag me away like that if I was truly in danger.

Was the mere desire of wanting to help Mila enough to risk losing Balance? I don’t see how, but I suppose I should be more careful moving forward.

As we arrive in Pan Si Xing, we find a storm of absolute chaos and bloodshed just waiting to break out. Dad’s forces quietly move into place in tunnels underneath the city, while specialized scouting teams have already made their way in. Homing in on a familiar face, I follow Siyar as he makes his way through the streets unseen with skill unlike any other. MuYang is almost as sneaky, but would have long since been spotted if not for Concealment, while Ravil and many of the other scouts are getting by on sheer luck, meaning it’s only a matter of time before it runs out. I can’t help them, but I’ve always wanted to know how Siyar does his thing, and all I can do is marvel in awe because I sense no Chi at work in his stealthy ways. All he has is a lifetime of skill and habit to keep him unseen, shifting through the shadows around the Enemy blind spots as if they’re all clearly marked and updated in real time.

So engrossed in his efforts, I am just as surprised as he is when he runs into a captured Westerner on the stairs, and it is both laudable and heart-wrenching to hear her warn him against moving too soon. A few minutes, she tells him to wait, because the guards will soon change shifts, so she gives up the prospect of safety and freedom so that the Imperial soldiers will stand a better fighting chance. She doesn’t know how many soldiers are in Pan Si Xing, or what their mission is. All this poor, battered woman Winoa knows is that Siyar is an Imperial soldier, which means his life is more important than hers. It takes tremendous courage to go willingly into the arms of your slavers and away from potential salvation, but Winoa is determined not just to escape, but to pay back her slavers with interest aplenty. The fire in her heart burns low and slow as she files out for her shift in the mines, a single, smouldering ember that could have gone out at any moment, but now it pulses brighter and brighter as she seizes hold of hope.

While watching Winoa leave and wishing her all the best, I realize too late that Siyar has lost himself to anger as he charges down the stairs to engage his foes. He puts on a tough front, but he’s not as indifferent as he appears, because otherwise he would’ve never asked for her name. What comes next happens by sheer reflex as I grant Siyar Authority over the Heavens in my name, and his Domain billows out in the blink of an eye, freshly Developed and deployed without blinking. An orb of silence settles in around him as he throws himself into his bloody work, moving faster than I’ve seen anyone short of Peak Expert move and dispatching his foes one by one. There’s no fancy footwork or embellished movements, with each blow aimed to kill as quickly and quietly as possible. Nine die before they even notice there’s a Warrior among them, and the last three die choking on the daggers embedded in their throats and unable to raise more than a gurgle.

All this happens in the blink of an eye, and though Buddy is quick to react, the harm is already done. Though I feel no different from before, I expended a significant portion of myself to help Siyar, and Buddy is none too pleased. He comes from a place of concern, as to him, I’m no different from the real me, but I knew from the start that my existence would be finite even if I survived to make it back to myself. I’m not the sort to leave a copy of myself running around free as a bird, because I am a jealous man and I just know my Natal Soul will eventually resent my real self. All I can do now is pray Siyar regains control of his temper as quickly as possible and give Buddy a conciliatory pat on the head before picking him up to hold in my arms. Though he squirms at little bit, he quickly settles into my embrace as I scritch his head until he rests his chin on my shoulder and sighs.

Perfect. So long as I keep the scritches going, I no longer need to worry about his well-intentioned intervention, which is good because I doubt I can hold myself back any longer. Soaring into the sky for a better perspective, I watch as battle breaks out all over the city, starting from where Ravil’s scouts were discovered and emanating outwards in all directions once Dastan incites the people of the West to rebel. Though I wish he hadn’t done it, I know in my heart of hearts that even if we could slaughter every last Defiled in the city, the people of Pan Si Xing would not be whole. No, they have been victims for too long, and just like my sister recognized I needed to strike back at my oppressors when she rescued me from the slave camp nearly a decade ago, these poor people need to fight for their freedom, else it will mean nothing in the end. I can Cleanse the Tainted of Spectres, but left unchecked, then there’s a good chance most of these slaves and prisoners will pick up new Spectres soon enough thanks to the traumatic stress incurred from their ordeals. Now, even though many will die in battle, some survivors will be cleansed in the fiery heat of battle and bloodshed, able to to stand tall and take pride in their actions this day, which at the bare minimum will give all the Imperial forces a fighting chance against the Father’s minions most foul.

Dastan did what needed to be done. This much I know. Victory without cost will never be cherished, and without the people of the West, there might be no victory here to be had at all.

Much as I would love to help, Buddy eyes me from the side and growls before I can even think to act, as even scritches aren’t enough to distract him from his duty. My doggy’s disapproval is a powerful threat indeed, because even though I’m not scared he’ll bite, I don’t think I could ever forgive myself if I made him upset, because he’s just a sweet doggo who wants the best for everyone all the time. Even then, there are times when I can’t help but interfere, though I do my best to limit myself as much as possible. For the most part, everything is going fine until Bai Qi deploys his heavy hitters, the Demons, half-Demons, and Peak Experts alike, and then panic sets in. First up is Li-Li, who Yaruq simply dumps into the middle of a chaotic engagement without anyone to fight alongside her. The idea is to forge her in the heat of battle, as I can see Yaruq keeping an eye on her ward at all times, but I also see the Wraiths slip past the half-gazelle’s perception and bee-line straight for Li-Li. There is no thought given to the action as I warn Li-Li of danger, again not in words but sensation alone. With Emotional Aura and her newly re-created and reinforced Core, Li-Li is so close to Domain that I barely need to even nudge her to set her along the path to success. I grant her no Authority, not like what I did with Siyar, because I cannot afford to. I simply bring her attention to what her unseen senses were already telling her and trust her to figure out the rest. Though Mila and Yan are both stronger than Li-Li, the half-cat fights with the grace and coordination of a Warrior with twice her experience, her new Spiritual Weapon flowing seamlessly from one movement to another. Mastery of the Forms and a burgeoning Domain are enough to see her through the danger, albeit with an assist from Yaruq who pulps the half-Demon seeking to end Li-Li’s life, but that’s all I get to watch before Buddy jumps me away with a pulse of Aura warning me to take care.

Because like I warned myself earlier, every time I take action, there is less of me left to give, and though I still have my wits about me, there is a fine line between Natal Soul and Spectre which I dare not cross just yet.

Zian’s battle with the Demons, Rustram’s clash with Chosen Peak Experts, XinYue’s duel against a Half-Demon, Ravil’s efforts to clear the streets of citizens, Fung’s struggle against Chieftains and Wraiths alike, I watch all these struggles and more unfold before my eyes with the utmost of restraint, but it is difficult to do nothing while my friends fight for their lives. The assistance I lend is minimal, a gentle nudge here and a subtle direction there, but that is all they need to evade death. And yet, this is not enough, for I can see the writing on the wall if things continue to go this way, so I heave a small sigh and sever off as small and Balanced a portion of my Natal Soul as I can. A tiny me pops into existence, one barely larger than my hand, and it is almost comical to see him grab Buddy’s leash in both arms. “Go home Buddy,” I tell my sweet dog, and he woofs softly in defiance before pulling out the big guns and whimpering in sorrow, his eyes wide and head lowered in adorable sadness. He ruins it by raising his head to see if it has any effect, but even then, it’s difficult to see him in distress. There’s nothing I can do however, except harden my heart and kiss his head before repeating myself. “Go home. Good boy. I love you.”

And goodbye. Sorry Buddy, but you still have the real me to look after you.

Mini-me is not exactly the brightest bulb in the box, but he knows his mission and will carry it out well. At my nod of farewell, he tugs gently at Buddy’s leash and brings him away, but only as quickly as my doggy will move, which is not quickly at all since he keeps stopping to see if I’m coming with. Fighting the urge to give in to fear and survival instincts, I wave goodbye and turn away before consoling myself with the truth. “You’re just a Natal Soul,” I tell myself, even though I feel as real and alive as ever as I set into motion a series of events that will culminate in my death. “Nothing to be afraid of.”

What happens when you make a copy so perfect it is virtually indistinguishable from the original? At that point, does it really matter which one is real and which one is a copy?

Of course it does. The real me is watching all this unfold from behind our Keystone PC. The me in Pan Si Xing is finite and would’ve disappeared eventually to rejoin the original, so there’s no sense in mourning my loss.

The battle for the city continues unabated, and I try to hold back as much as I can for the grand finale, but there is precious little I can do to stop myself when seeing people in danger right in front of me. Chu XinYue, Bulat, Huu, Tam Taewoong, even Winoa who leads the miners to overthrow their overseers, I offer a bit of myself to each and every one of them to warn or help them along, and countless others in passing. Then, Bai Qi reveals himself in all his glory and Dad rises to the challenge, and their battle is breath-taking to behold. Fierce and cunning, my father, my idol, my hero Baatar faces down his foe without fear, for even if he dies alongside every other Imperial in Pan Si Xing, he believes it will be well worth the price so long as he brings Bai Qi down with him.

Me? I’m not so convinced. Powerful and brilliant though the Lord of Martial Peace might be, he is little more than a piece on the board, while Zhen Shi manipulates everything from behind the scenes, a fact he reveals by pulling strings from the shadows. I sense more than see his hand at work, whispering lies and slander into my father’s ears as he fights for his life. Oh how terrible it is that you never got a chance to say goodbye to your son, and now he will wake from his coma to discover that the father he worked so hard to save threw his life away like a fool.

“Bullshit,” I exclaim, and Dad’s wolf ears perk up at the sound of my voice, but that took all the strength I had left to muster, and I’m left shivering in place as Zhen Shi’s dark Intent sweeps over and discovers me. Unwilling to waste any effort on communicating with the monster, I raise my head high and grin in defiance before promptly ignoring him entirely in favour of watching Dad beat the shit out of Bai Qi. There’s nothing Zhen Shi can do to me anymore, because soon, I will be less than dust in the wind, my entire existence having been given over to this working. Even Bai Qi’s reveal of his Blessing of Sand is not enough to bring me despair, mostly because I see the truth of the situation. I can feel the Blessing there on his Core, an out of place, patchwork addition that screams unnatural and incomplete. Zhen Shi’s shoddy work, I assume, using my severed shards of Soul to help his minions force an Awakening, but that was a dumb decision. Blessings are not easy to use, so Bai Qi would have been better off using my severed soul for almost anything else if he wanted a quick power up, but then I suppose he wouldn’t have been able to make his dramatic reveal.

To my dismay, I realize Dad doesn’t know Bai Qi’s Awakening is new, but it’s too late for me to do anything to help him. All I can do is watch as he fights to retreat and slowly loses hope, but he only needs to hold for a little while longer. Giving everything I am to the working I envision, I stand firm and await the death I’ve feared for so long, and though I am glad I got to see my wives and friends, I wish I could’ve gone to see Mom, Luo-Luo, Charok, the twins, and everyone else as well. There’s no time anymore, but I’m sure the real me will make up for it, even if we stopped being the same person the second I came into existence.

I’ve been alive for all of a few hours, and yet I am still deathly afraid to die. Funny that. I know I’m not exactly real, but I feel real, and I know this death will be real enough, but none of this enough to shake my conviction. I think the real me could do this without dying, assuming he can leave his body and get back before it’s too late, but I also believe that after today, Zhen Shi will be watching him closely to avoid a repeat performance. I mean, I’m essentially free Heavenly Energy which Zhen Shi could have easily trapped in his Keystone robes, but the real me has figured this all out as well.

A thought strikes me in a moment of clarity, and I cannot help but voice it. “Hey,” I say, speaking to myself, namely the me watching things from afar. “I think I figured something out. Blobby is a font of Heavenly Energy right? Being an Elemental Spirit and whatnot, he brings Heavenly Energy into this world somehow, probably by eating Spectres and Demons and whatnot. But if you look at things the right way, then aren’t Ping Ping and Pong Pong also fonts of Heavenly Energy? They literally turn food into fertilizer capable of sustaining Spiritual Plants, which is something worth looking into right? Not the process itself, but the fact that Ancestral Beasts and Human Divinities don’t have this same characteristic.” Grinning, I add, “Go shit on some plants and see if they turn Spiritual. For science. I’m sure Taddy will love that, and you can figure out the rest from there. That’s all I’ve got for now. Give Buddy a belly rub for me.”

Giving this one final burst of satisfaction over to the Heavens, I realize there is nothing of me left to give, and all I can do is smile as the cold nothingness of oblivion which I yearned for so long rises up to greet me.

And as I go quietly into the darkness, there is no fear or regret in my heart, only the tranquil peace of quiet acceptance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Even though I know he was only a Natal Soul, I cannot imagine the complex thoughts going through his head as he gives his life for a good cause. A ‘Balanced’ Natal Soul is really no different from a regular Soul, save for the inability to generate the stuff of emotion on its own. That’s why Buddy kept trying to drag the other me away, because every time he felt sad, happy, angry, or frustrated, he lost a little more of himself as he went. We both recognized that too late, and it casts a shadow over the question of whether we can do this again, because even though they’re technically a part of my soul, I don’t know if I can stomach sending parts of me out to experience death.

Luckily, the stream continues even without my Natal Soul to anchor me in the area, for he is not truly gone just yet, only transformed into something else. He was a construct of emotion, and he gave his life so that the people of Pan Si Xing would have a chance. I gave my emotions over to the Heavens in JiangHu to create a storm to wash away the Defiled, but my limited Natal Soul only had enough to call a light rain over Pan Si Xing. The clouds gather overhead as Dad and Bai Qi push one another to the limits, and just as the Lord of Martial Peace gains the upper hand, my Natal Soul’s life’s work brings the battle to a crashing halt. The rain fall is light as a breeze as the stones and sands of the city drink it all up in an instant, but wherever it comes into contact with Demons or Half-Demons, the raindrops eat away at their life-force and threatens to Cleanse them to oblivion.

Given that it has this effect on their physical manifestations, the hidden Spectres of Pan Si Xing stand no chance, and they set their hosts to fleeing out of sheer terror of non-existence, while the tainted Westerners turn their eyes to the Heavens as an invisible burden of malice and hatred is lifted from their souls. The collapse is instant and without delay as the Enemy abandons Pan Si Xing in droves, and Bai Qi stays only a moment longer to shoot Dad a hate-filled glare before Cloud-Stepping away. Within minutes, the only people left in the city are Imperial soldiers and citizens, save for a select few Defiled who have all but given up to await death. Some are taken away by monks of the Brotherhood, but most resist any attempt to leave and throw themselves upon Imperial blades because death is easier to accept than the truth. The rainfall dies out within minutes, but already, Dad’s soldiers are moving the liberated westerners out through the tunnels, yet haste is not entirely needed. Zhen Shi will not risk his Demons and Half-Demons until he figures out how I managed to pull this off while still comatose in Meng Sha, but once he realizes the truth, my value as a resource to harvest will skyrocket in his eyes.

And having seen what I can accomplish as a Natal Soul, I’m not so sure he’ll be so hell-bent on capturing me alive anymore...

Even without taking a shit on any plants, I know my Natal Soul was right. I am a font of Heavenly Energy thanks to my merger with Blobby, which caused a fundamental change in the quality of my soul. That’s why it was possible for me to create Natal Souls that retain agency once set loose on the world, and use those Natal Souls to help Irregulars Create their Cores. It’s why I can seize Authority from the Heavens and grant it to others in my name, helping them Develop their Domains which endure beyond my survival. It’s why Bai Qi can use a severed shard of my soul to Awaken the Blessing of Sand, and why Zhen Shi so desperately wants to turn me or capture me alive. I am not just any font of Heavenly Energy, but a font of usable Heavenly Energy, without any need for growth or transformation, and what a difference that single word makes.

I think it’s time I went to Blobby for answers. I’ve never been all too comfortable going to him for help, not after he showed himself capable of feeding on my Natal Souls, even incomplete ones like Baledagh. Sure, it was for my own good, but it doesn’t feel great sharing a space with a predator, which I now realize is Zhen Shi’s name for Blobby, rather than a cool name for me when I turn the dial up to 11. Regardless of my reservations, it’s possible the Heavenly Tear will have answers for me, so I intend to ask Lin-Lin to bring my body out to sea the next time she comes to visit.

Finally, a possible path reveals itself, but the cost was higher than I expected, for I find myself unable to mourn the loss of my other self, even though my dog is clearly distressed and crying. To Buddy, the other me was just as real as this one, and he is saddened to sense him disappear, just as he is sad to see the mini-me remnant merge with me without so much as a wave goodbye. All the scritches in the world aren’t enough to console my mourning dog, so all I can do is hold him close and let him know he is loved while staring at my monitor as it goes dark and silently contemplate if I would’ve made the same decision as my Natal Soul did if I didn’t have a back up in place.

And the answer is...

I don’t know.

Which scares me more than I'd care to admit. It should be an easy yes right? My life for the lives of my father, friends, comrades, and so many soldiers and citizens, and yet...

Chapter Meme

- End of Volume 41 -