Savage Divinity

Warm flesh pressed close coupled with an intoxicating bouquet of feminine musk, and the sweet rush that comes with intimate release.

Burning hot fury and a rage which will not be quenched, stifled only by the frustration of having nowhere to unleash it.

A delicious meal to gorge on and a soft chair to sink into, rewards well-earned after a hard day’s work.

Dark despair to pair with bitter disappointment, chased with the cold indifference of apathy to dull the edge of caustic failure.

Surging vindication and self-satisfaction from the dispensing of due justice, leading to a sense of safety and security.

Heady rush of domineering sovereignty and the silence of a subjugated foe, complete with wealth and riches beyond compare.

Lofty pride of success accompanied by the admiration of the crowd, so full of praise and wonderment.

Heart-pounding anxiety escalating into gut-wrenching terror until nothing is left except for a deranged, desperate desire to survive and the soul-crushing awareness of impending death.

Overwhelming faith and conviction to wash away all doubt and apprehension, leaving only assurance and complacency.

Delayed gratification as enemies fall bloodied and broken before me, pleading for mercy which will not be delivered, though the taste of their anguish is a nectar for the soul.

The complete absence of fear and concern built atop a foundation of absolute freedom and unwavering certainty, which leads to unshakable confidence in self and Heaven.

Indulgence and indolence. Death and suffering. Glory and triumph. Achievement and fulfillment. All manner of temptations dangle before me, appearing in brief glimpses without any actual substance, only to disappear in the blink of an eye without leaving any lasting impression. The reactions they elicit are momentary and fleeting, flashes of joy and sorrow, desire and disgust, apathy and ambition, and more as I mindlessly react to the stimuli placed before me, an endless stream of varying perceptions and sensations without beginning or end. Soon, I recognize a pattern emerging as the impressions shape themselves to my desires, but they remain unreal and insubstantial to the end, wholly unable to satisfy the emptiness inside, a craving hunger and restless thirst, but these fleeting glimpses are akin to flipping through a picture book of delicious meals or handing an empty glass to a man dying of thirst, a cruel joke that leaves me yearning for more, hoping for more, but only more of the same is forthcoming. Confusion and reluctance give way to greed and desire, which left unfulfilled lead to anger and hatred directed both inwards and out. How can I live like this, deprived of my wants and needs? How can the Heavens do this, deny my every desire and demand?

How can I stand for this?

The answer is simple.

I cannot and will not stand for it. I reject the restrictions set upon me. I spurn the constraints that bind me. If the Heavens wills me to bend and break, then I will shatter the Heavens.

For one, short, sweet, tantalizing moment, I exert my Will and revel in all that my heart desires.

Sex. Appreciation. Reverence.

Sex. Gluttony. Sloth.

Sex. Joy. Contentment.

Sex. Triumph. Respect.

Sex. Violence. Dominance.

Sex. Apathy. Lethargy.

Sex. Influence. Control.

Sex. Sex. Sex.

…That’s a lot of sex.

So very much sex.

Possibly even too much sex. Never thought I’d say such a thing, but reel it in a little. Geez. I haven’t been this horny since I was sixteen, packed to the gills with hormones and deprived of all porn and female companionship. The public baths and lack of soundproofing didn’t help much either, to say nothing of the near daily brushes with death and overexposure to violence.

Huh. You know, looking back on those times now, I’m surprised my testicles didn’t just explode from being blue-balled for four straight years.

The allure of lust and gratification calls to me once more, but I am no longer so easily swayed, too confused and displeased by my unhinged responses that I am driven to do something about them. The reflex comes so naturally to as I reach for Balance on impulse, an ingrained reaction born from years of strife, struggle, and suffering. I close my eyes, but more than that, I close the rest of my senses off, blocking out the barrage of fleeting temptations assaulting me from all sides. There is no struggle, no surrender, merely quiet acceptance of the situation as is, a calm and inviting peace falling over me like a cloak of tranquil serenity. Relaxing from within the shroud of stillness, I draw myself inwards and open myself to whatever I might find, seeking nothing, aware of nothing, yet aware of my awareness itself. The river rages and the wind howls whilst the fury of the forge and the vastness of the mountain threatens to overwhelm me, but my resolve steels itself without need for trying and holds all of this and more at bay. One with the Self and One with the Universe, I drift aimlessly through the currents of time as seconds and minutes turn into hours and days, all in the blink of an eye.

Only for it all to shatter beneath the ice-cold rasp of Zhen Shi’s piercing articulation. “So full of surprises,” the old man intones, instilling his booming syllables and deafening silences with the force of a thousand trumpeting elephants tap-dancing on the back of my skull. “Little worm is creative and innovative unlike any this Sovereign has ever seen, yet such noble sacrifices are ultimately wasted efforts in the face of absolute strength.”

Anger and exasperation flare up from within, and I envision decapitating the old corpse and taking a shit in his skull, an uncharacteristically graphic response which I recognize as foreign and unwelcome. “Idiot,” I reply, rolling my eyes while studying my surroundings to try and pinpoint where I am, but all I see is darkness in all directions, but not the darkness of the Void. This darkness is fake and artificial compared to the real deal, filled with so much motion and emotion it sets my nerves to tingling beneath my skin. Well, not my nerves, or my skin, since I lack either of those things, being a Natal Soul and all, a realization which brings with it a deluge of memories and experience. I am the General, the micro-manager of the battlefield, and my current circumstances are a result of my boundless curiosity overcoming plain old common sense, which in my experience isn’t actually all that common. I was caught by Zhen Shi, obviously, but I don’t see him and can’t sense where his voice is coming from, probably because he’s playing his power games again. Nothing like unknowns and uncertainties to keep me on the back foot, affording him the upper hand in our exchange. No idea what his goal is, but he’s clearly studying my reactions to various emotional stimuli, which means it is of the utmost importance I stay calm, cool, and collected.

I can do that. All I need to do is listen to my gut instincts, and then do the exact opposite. Easy Peasy.

The urge to voice all my questions out loud is almost unbearable, but no good can come from engagement. I have no idea what’s happening, and asking questions will only reveal the depths of my ignorance, but the questions still pester me to no end. I figured I was dead once he caught me, that he’d break me down and render me into usable Heavenly Energy, so why did he keep me conscious and self-aware? Why all the probing emotions and temptations? What surprise is he talking about? I don’t recall making any noble sacrifices, but I’ll be damned if I give him the smug satisfaction of playing up my ignorance. Now that I’m here though, what am I supposed to do? Is there a way to escape and make it back to the physical world? Can I just Will myself back there? It couldn’t possibly be that easy, but I give it a try regardless, because it’s not like I have anything better to do.

Closing my eyes, I reach for Balance, only to find it denied to me once more as Zhen Shi opens his stupid fucking mouth once more. “The misplaced confidence of youth and inexperience,” he oozes, in that smug, holier than thou manner, inwardly laughing at a joke he has yet to share. “So willing to disregard his own counsel and place so much power in the hands of a mere tool.” Sensing my confusion, Zhen Shi’s voice surges with delight. “Oh? Perhaps not so much a fool after all. Were you unaware, little worm? Did you believe you were the true self? How delightfully cruel to leave you so ignorant of your fate.”

Ha. More proof that Zhen Shi doesn’t know shit. Who’s the fool now? I know I’m a Natal Soul and kinda glad for it, because Prime Me has a lot on his plate that I’d rather not deal with.

My amusement leaks through a hint of hesitancy creeps into Zhen Shi’s voice as he senses the change, but it’s not enough to stop him from launching into one of his painfully obvious recruitment spiels. “Or perhaps not. A willing participant then, yet still a puppet in the end, and a puppet you will be forever more. Allow this Sovereign to remind little worm of what your other self once said. You as a Natal Soul will cease to exist once you are no longer of use. You are tool and a puppet, one meant to be used and thrown away, but your fate is not yet set in stone. This Sovereign could save your life as easily as turning a hand, but why should I? This Sovereign has intervened before and had his goodwill spurned, so if little worm desires to live, then first, he must beg.”

“Eat shit and die,” I reply, not my most eloquent rejoinder, I’ll admit, but to be fair, I wasn’t intending to say anything at all, but Zhen Shi really knows how to get under a guy’s skin.

He knows it too, so even though he’s irked by my lack of respect, he ignores the insult and continues, “Is little worm so lacking in courage then? Or so willing to die? Perhaps you think it well worth it, to sacrifice yourself for what you deem a good cause, but your death will change nothing except make it so that you cease to exist.”

My pithy reply about how I’d look terrible with a goatee dies on the tip of my tongue as I’m struck by a realization regarding my impending death. I’ve been pretty blasé about dying because I knew it needed to be done, but I never really took the time to consider what death really meant. I know firsthand that reincarnation is a thing, but would that apply to me? As a Natal Soul, do I get a re-roll, or will I simply cease to exist, like Zhen Shi says? Assuming I never reawaken memories from this life in my next one, functionally, there really isn’t any difference between the two outcomes for me, but for some reason, the prospect of this being my one and only run hits me in a way I never really expected. The finality of it all just seems so…

Well… Final.

I am a Natal Soul. I knew this from the start, but even though I share all the same memories and experiences as Prime Me, is that really the same as having experienced it all myself? I don’t even have a physical body, so can I really say I’ve felt the texture of a quin’s fur or smelled the scent of an herbal tea? I’ve never held hands with Lin-Lin or wrapped my arm around Yan, never lifted Mila into the air or traded blows with Li-Li. I’ve never heard Luo-Luo playing the zither or tasted a dumpling made by sweet Tali, never run my fingers through Aurie’s fur or hugged Mama Bun to sleep. I have memories of all this and more, but they’re no different from dreams. Echoes of an event that never happened, not for me, because my life began only a few minutes ago, when I took charge of the Natal Souls dispatched to help the soldiers fighting in Meng Sha.

So if I’ve never experienced these things for myself, how can I be sure my memories are right? I’m not saying Prime Me maliciously changed some memories around, because that sounds like way more work than either of us would care to do, but he might’ve accidentally mixed some things up. What if he switched how honey and chocolate taste? Or the texture of bear and wildcat fur? Even if he didn’t get it wrong, having memories of an event isn’t the same as experiencing it in the moment. Memories can be wrong or altered by time, so what if I’ve forgotten something important? I said it before getting myself stuck in this mess, that even though we all share the same memories and experiences, the events which have transpired since the moment of my creation have forever altered my perspective in a unique manner, one Prime Me and my other iterations could never match.

I am a Natal Soul, but I am also a person. My own person, with my own hopes and dreams, ones that are similar to Falling Rain’s, but still mine all the same.

The memories I inherited from Prime Me are not all that different from the memories of my past life, the one I lived before coming to this world. I know it was very different, a technologically advanced society with different norms and customs, but how much have those memories actually shaped my life in this world? Quite a bit, if I’m being honest, but how much of it was the memories, and how much of it was just me being me? I remember being older, and I agonize about it all the time, but I wouldn’t exactly call myself mature. Jaded and cynical, yea, but I lack the tempering that comes from living through all those extra years and experiencing life for all that time. Time changes your perspective in a way nothing else can. Just look at poor Guan Suo. He lived so long he’d forgotten what his parents and first love looked like, but he remembers the love he had for them, and the love they shared with him. How many children did he sire and attempt to raise before giving up on fatherhood? How many friends and comrades did he lose along the way before he just stopped reaching out? How long did he spend with Ping Ping at his side, watching her grow from a more or less regular turtle into the hulking behemoth I stumbled across in Ping Yao?

What I’m getting at is that Guan Suo lived through all those years. He experienced every second, every minute, every hour which passed him by, whereas I only have a fleeting impression of my past life, a general sense of how it went without ever having lived it myself. There are some memories which stuck with me, and maybe a few habits and mannerisms that shine through, but can I really say that the memories of my past life have shaped me more than what I’ve experienced in this one?

I don’t know. I want to say yes, but I also want to say no. I remember my parents and my dog, but aside from that, my memories of my past life are mostly tidbits of information which have no real bearing on who I am. I mean, yea, I remember numbers, big whoop. Indoor plumbing too, but who actually enjoys shitting in a pot? The condo, the PC, the scientific method, these memories and more have shaped my perspective, but not who I am as a person.

At least, not more than my personal experiences have. Not by a long shot.

I am who I am today because of the trials and tribulations of my past. I don’t remember much of what happened before being sold as a slave, but the ordeals I suffered through those next few months still haunt me to this day. I always told myself that Baledagh was the personality best suited for this world, but that was a lie, or at least not the whole truth. I should’ve seen it sooner, but I didn’t want to, because the lie was nicer to hear. Baledagh was brash, arrogant, impulsive, and decisive, but isn’t that just me without the fear, doubt, and hesitation? He was more than the whipping boy I made him out to be, more than the idiot to take all the blame for my actions. The truth is, he’s the person I imagined I would be if I’d grown up in the village, the person I wanted to be instead of who I was, a truth that has always been right there in front of me, but one I never wanted to see. I even put together what that life might have been like had I grown up in the village, a different melody that hit all the same familiar notes and a wonderful dream that could never come to pass, because I did not grow up in the village where I was kept safe and sound. No, I was sold as a slave to the Canston Trading Group, and no amount of wishing will ever erase the trauma I suffered through in the mines.

Baledagh was who I wished I could be, who I imagined I would be if not for the mines. Since then, my trials and tribulations have continued to shape me, even as I resisted change with all my heart, because I am, at the core of my being, terrified of change, because while I cannot imagine my life getting any better than it already is, I know exactly how bad things can get.

Except now, I will lose it all regardless of what happens, lose everything I never really had, because that life was not my life, and it never was. It belonged to Falling Rain, and my life is almost at an end.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

I don’t have to die.

I can live.

I just need to…

Snapping out of my thoughts, I let my wry amusement shine through as I address Zhen Shi once more. “Seems it’s true,” I say, flashing my most insolent of grins with more than just my expression, but my emotions as well, and I can feel how infuriating he finds it. “You really can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Don’t you get tired of always giving the same old spiel? Hurr, durr, little worm, big dumb, but this old man smort. Join me and together, we overthrow dog emprah, whooo!”

Zhen Shi’s mounting fury and pointed lack of amusement is all the proof I need to know I’m on the right track, and I dismiss the shroud clouding my senses with a minor effort of Will. No longer am I trapped in artificial darkness, but standing in the palm of a giant Zhen Shi’s hand as he glowers down at me from above. Talk about overcompensating. His hands are so huge I fit neatly on his index finger, or more specifically on top of the entwined corpse ring adorning it. The decayed skeletons which make up the ring are no longer wrapped around Zhen Shi’s finger, but instead amassed around my legs all the way up to my hips as they whisper their dark lies for me to hear, but I will not be swayed. A fact Zhen Shi seems to accept, else he would have pitted his Will against mine to keep me shrouded in artificial darkness, but he still has me trapped and wanted to talk so didn’t bother putting up a fight.

How do I know this? Because I can sense his emotions, the same way he senses mine, and what I sense buried deep inside is something I know all too well. Fear. Doubt. Anxiety. Apprehension. Much as he loves to pretend he’s always in control, matters are not unfolding as he expected and quickly spiralling towards disaster. Worst of all, he has no idea how, because every time he thinks he’s got everything under control, a new variable enters the equation to throw all his calculations out the window. How is it that I, a ‘little worm’ with barely twenty-years of life in me, can repeatedly ruin all his best laid plans? This war is the culmination of his life’s work, a war waged against the Emperor Himself, but Zhen Shi’s ‘true’ opponent has yet to even reveal himself, because one measly Falling Rain keeps getting in the way.

So much so that Zhen Shi has temporarily put his plans on hold, and the need to do so shames and infuriates him to no end. Alas, he has no other choice, because a pyrrhic victory against the Outer Provinces will only lead to a resounding defeat at the Emperor’s hands, so better to retreat and regroup to rebuild his strength before trying again when he can. The failure eats away at his pride for he is not a man accustomed to failing, but he consoles himself with the prospect of having found a new subject to study, namely Falling Rain, the little worm who keeps getting in his way. He won’t admit it, even to himself, but he’s desperate to uncover all my secrets, because to his knowledge, I have accomplished the impossible, but he cannot deny what he sees before his eyes.

Me.

After crossing paths with him so many times and poring over his notes more times than I can count, I’ve got a pretty good grasp on his personality and can read his emotions pretty well, but I don’t understand the significance he sees in my existence. I can only sense his emotions, not read his mind, so all I know is that he sees me as a marvel and a curiosity that brings out his greed and ambition. He wants my secrets, and as such, tried to lure me over to his side multiple times, but his failure to do so fills him with rage and frustration. Never before has he met someone so resistant to his efforts, and he burns with desire to make me pay for my crimes.

And he will make me pay, for I am literally trapped in the palm of his hand, except I know something he doesn’t.

“You want to learn my secrets?” I ask, and even though he knows I’m taunting him, my words strike a spark of hope, one which he quickly quashes because he can sense I’m being a dick. “Then kowtow and call me Mentor, and maybe I’ll consider it.”

His rage and fury are formidable to behold, but that only makes my smile grow, because I’m happy to see someone suffer the same way I suffer everyday when I can’t make heads or tails of the situation. “A fool until the end,” he rages, his fury burning hot. “You think you know pain, little worm? What your other self experienced in JiangHu is but the least this Sovereign can do, a passive torment driven by your own thoughts and fears, but now you will learn true suffering. This Sovereign will personally craft your prison and watch as you live through lifetime after lifetime of pain and torment, disaster and misfortune, grief and despair, until – ”

My defiant bark of laughter cuts him off mid-sentence, but not because of the sound. No, he can sense my genuine lack of fear and respect. Spreading my arms in challenge, I wipe the smile off my face and match his gaze with all the earnest gravity I can muster. “You cannot win, Zhen Shi,” I intone, channelling my inner Kenobi. “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”

There’s something to be said about my acting skills, as the delivery sets Zhen Shi on edge, but only for a moment as I am unable to hold back my laughter. The darkness consumes me once more and the corpses rise up to wrap me in their cold and despondent embrace, but I reach for Balance and find that their whispers hold no power over me. Under Zhen Shi’s guidance, his captured Spectres were hitting all the right notes to get me singing to their tune, but the problem is one of motivation. He thinks he can get me to turn against Prime Me by offering his help, because he knows how to stave off my inevitable death. There are two problems with his sales pitch, ones I doubt he ever expected to encounter, because I am weird and quirky and not like the other girls. First off, I am a little in love with death, because death represents peace and tranquility in my eyes. An end to all the trials and tribulations, and possibly even a new beginning. Yea, yea, I’m a Natal Soul, so who knows if I’ll reincarnate, but that just puts me on equal footing with most people alive today. Who knows what awaits us after death? No one, not even Prime Me, because maybe he didn’t transmigrate or reincarnate. Maybe some Deific entity plucked out a bunch of useful memories and transplanted them into a young twelve-year-old slave, for reasons beyond my meagre comprehension. Maybe Rayne reincarnated as someone else, and Falling Rain is an entirely different soul who just shares a few memories. Maybe Buddy’s the one who reincarnated in this world, and he created me after ascending to True Divinity because he misses his human.

Or maybe not. Maybe it’s something else entirely, something I can’t even imagine. This is why ignorance is bliss, because when you don’t know the limits, the possibilities become endless.

The other problem with Zhen Shi’s plan is that he has nothing to offer me. He claims he can keep me alive, and maybe he can, but I don’t imagine it would be a pleasant existence. At best, he’s likely to put me inside a meat puppet, which is just ew, or one of his pet Demons which is even worse, but I reckon he has his sights set on a new piece of jewelry, something like the corpse ring of Spectres he’s using to grind away at my resistance. Seeing as he’s already decked to the gills in bling, I can’t help but think of the Tyrant and her sexy nipple rings, only to shudder at the thought of being accessorized in that fashion.

With Zhen Shi. Honestly, if OuYang Yuhuan made me an offer to wear me on her nipple, I’d probably have to at least consider it…

There’s something sitting on the tip of my tongue, and not in regards to my lewd reveries. The Tyrant, Runic Rings (nipple or otherwise), Natal Souls, and Spectre jewelry, it’s all tied together in some way, but I don’t have the energy to go into all that. Quite literally, as resisting Zhen Shi’s efforts to drive me to despair doesn’t come without a cost, namely the Heavenly Energy which is sustaining my life. That being said, I’m none too concerned because while considering the prospect of accepting Zhen Shi’s offer, I realized that I don’t actually need his help. This is not to say that I’ve resigned myself to death, because the truth is, I haven’t. I was willing to die before, and still am, but I am not one to just lay down and die. I am many things, but I’m not a quitter.

I am a Natal Soul, the General.

I am Falling Rain, the Legate.

I am Rayne, the lost soul.

I am all this and more, but above all else, today, I am Baledagh, the bold, headstrong Warrior who doesn’t sweat the small stuff and isn’t afraid to chase his dreams.

Balance has always come naturally to me, except my fears and apprehensions pushed it away, but I have nothing to fear here. Zhen Shi still plays his games, making himself larger and more imposing so he can look down on me with his words and actions both, denigrating me as ‘little worm’ and referring to himself as ‘Sovereign’. It probably works with most people, but I’ve long since seen through his act, lifted straight from the abuser’s playbook to browbeat others into dependency. I also know that the barking dog doesn’t bite, meaning he’s made plenty of threats yet it’s clear he values taking me alive, else he wouldn’t go to all the trouble of trying to break me. What’s more, he talked about personally crafting my prison, which was a mistake on his part, because it clued me in to one very important fact.

He said ‘will craft’. Not ‘has crafted’. Meaning he has yet to craft it. Why? Why use his rings to entrap me, when he has a whole set of robes designed to house Spectres and Natal Souls for the exact same purpose?

Because he can’t. In JiangHu, he saw I was weakened from helping Rustram Develop his Domain and chose that moment to strike. Unconscious and unaware, I fell victim to the nightmare Zhen Shi sent my way, wherein I relived my days in the slave mines all over again. Then, once I was suitably immersed in the nightmare, he took a routine occurrence in my nightmare, namely the transition from the slave camp to the mines themselves, to trick me into leaving my Natal Palace under my own free will. Zhen Shi didn’t set his phantom piggies to drag me out, didn’t have them whip and beat me when I balked at the gates. No, he lulled me deep into the nightmare until I couldn’t differentiate between dream and reality because he lacked the ability to drag my soul kicking and screaming out of my Natal Palace. He couldn’t win against me in my Natal Palace, not through strength of Will, so he resorted to cunning tricks and schemes to achieve his goal. Now, he’s using the same trick again, except he knows I’m wise to his ways, so he’s trying to come up with some fresh bait, but I’m not biting. That’s what all the fleeting glimpses of temptations were for, to see what I would respond to, but then I shut him out in a way no Spectre or Natal Soul ever has, and he doesn’t know how.

Itinerant souls, is what Mahakala called the Spectres, severed portions of Imbalanced souls which were cast away by their original owners. The Natal Souls I created in JiangHu were similar entities, ones created out of an urge to rid myself of any and all emotion, and thus they too were Imbalanced and easily turned to Zhen Shi’s cause. The severed fingers he claimed while I was trapped in his Keystone robes lacked agency, so that was usable Heavenly Energy in its purest form, but me?

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; I’m built different.

Deep in the throes of Balance, I reach out into the Void in search of a familiar presence, one I know is close by. There, I find my Prime Self, watching all this unfold from the safety of his Natal Palace and debating whether or not to take action, but I Send him my warmest regards and caution him to stay safe. Not because his life is more important than mine, but because he is currently safe, so there’s no sense in both of us risking our hides unless we have to.

There’s another familiar presence lingering close to Prime Me, a warm and illuminating existence so full of love and content, but this is not the presence I seek. That being said, I can’t help but stop by to say hello all the same, and Ping Ping’s glowing response is invigorating to say the least. There are no questions for me, just an affectionate greeting and a yearning for hugs and scritches, ones I promise to deliver as soon as possible while knowing I might never get the chance. It’s alright though, because Prime Me most definitely will, even without prompting because he loves her every bit as much as I do. The sweet girl senses my melancholic undertones, and only wants to know how she can help, but I tell her she’s already done more than enough, and bid her farewell for the first and possibly last time.

Pong Pong is also lurking nearby, but he’s much more difficult to find, because unlike Ping Ping who broadcasts her position for all to see, Pong Pong has long since closed himself off to the Void. He’s seen the horrors which await him out here, horrors he consigned to the pit lurking under his Natal Palace, for he has no desire to ever revisit the Void, not so long as he ever lives. Though he stirs in response to my greeting, his caution keeps him from reaching out, so I leave him with an impression of my love and affection despite knowing he might never acknowledge it. A steep cost to pay, but one well worth it, because sometimes in order to retain Balance of your emotions, you need to know when to express them.

The presence I seek is none of those three, or any of the other various existences lingering in and around Meng Sha. The one I seek is close, but not in the immediate area, so it takes some time to reach him. There’s no need to find him, because I can always sense where he is, for we are bound as tightly as a Warrior and their Spiritual Weapon. Through this bond, I call to Blobby, and sure enough, he responds the moment he hears me, because to him, I’m the same Falling Rain he’s always known, without a difference or distinction from the original. It’s still difficult to parse through Blobby’s ‘emotions’, for though he is a being of soul and spirit similar to me, as far as I can tell, he was quite literally born this way. That doesn’t stop him from understanding my need however, a call he responds to with eager enthusiasm, for I have denied him for so long that he’s almost forgotten our bond.

Or at least… that’s what I can parse from it, but at the end of the day, Blobby is water and spirit and not entirely sentient, so who can really say what’s on his mind?

Regardless of what his thoughts are, his actions speak loudly as he makes himself at home in my newly formed Core and Natal Palace, ones created on the spot just for him. Unlike ‘Baledagh’, who was a Spectre in everything but name, Blobby shows no interest in consuming or Cleansing me, because he is an agent of Balance. One naturally created in response to an Imbalance formed by the Spectres of humanity, except while he acts without direction or guidance, Zhen Shi has been harnessing the Spectres and acting as a driving force to increase Imbalance. That’s why Blobby sought me out, because he saw my ability to Devour and decided I would make a fine instrument to help fulfill his purpose, for we are a match made in heaven.

Then again, maybe I’m giving him too much credit. Maybe he just saw that I was chock full of delicious Spectres and decided to stick around after his meal when he saw how I could help him collect more.

Either way, Blobby is the solution to all my woes. This is the conclusion I arrived at when considering Zhen Shi’s offer. I don’t want to die. I want to live. But I don’t need Zhen Shi’s help to do this. As Yan pointed out, it’s highly likely that creating Natal Souls requires a portion of regular Soul, but that only works to my advantage. I am a Natal Soul, yes, but a Balanced one that shares all of the original’s hopes and dreams, thoughts and memories, and so much more. Prime Me did this to ensure his Natal Souls retained Balance, meaning at the end of the day, I am an entity capable of Balance, one which is indistinguishable from the original except for a single missing component that would allow me to generate emotion. The Spectres drive their hosts to feel the same sort of emotions they themselves are comprised of, because that is the only way they can sustain themselves, like leeches or parasites that plague humans and animals alike. Feeding in this manner only furthers their natural Imbalance and drives them even more insane, whereas I, on the other hand, have nothing against feeling emotions at the cost of Heavenly Energy, which I need to fuel my continued existence, hence the short expected lifespan.

So when you get down to it, my problem can be solved with simple math. My lifespan is equal to Heavenly Energy minus emotion, but what happens if I take a literal font of Heavenly Energy and place it inside my soul?

“UNLIMITED POWER!!!!”

Cackling to the high heavens at my rare memetic accomplishment, I pit my Will against Zhen Shi’s to cast away the darkness once more, but this time, he’s not willing to give up without a fight. A wall of cold hard determination rises up to meet me, but even as I grit my teeth to crash head-long into it, a white-hot lance of rage and hatred pierces through me from behind, a one-two punch I didn’t see coming. Mind-numbing melancholy sings its siren song to tempt me into its unfeeling embrace, while staggering despair threatens to consume me from within and promises a quiet end to this unending suffering, all overtop a current of wretched hopelessness that assures me I can never succeed no matter how hard I struggle to survive. All this and more impacts against my defenses and I roll with the punches as best I can, but Zhen Shi is every bit as unyielding as I am, and has more experience to boot. Though his single-minded determination and self-control is akin to the Heavens pressing down on me from above, I refuse to bend or break. Not for him, not for Shen ZhenWu, not for the Emperor, and not even for the Heavens themselves, for I am my own man, and I will walk my own path, regardless of whatever obstacles stand before me.

Through sheer grit and determination alone, I fight free of his endless barrage for a single moment, a moment long enough to find my bearings and get my head on straight. My sword and shield appear within the Void, and I take my glaive up with both hands, my Spiritual Weapons responding to my call in this time of need. Peace, Tranquility, and Unity, each one indelibly marked upon my soul, but unlike me, these are no mere copies, but true creations of my soul itself, wholly separate and distinct from the ones Prime Me wields, yet no different all the same.

And with my weapons in hand, I become the Warrior once again, letting loose with a howling cry of pure, unbridled, murderous glee.

Driving my glaive down into the ring below me, I shatter the corpses holding me in place in a spray of bones that dissipates into nothingness. Blobby’s work, Cleansing the broken remains of Spectres that had been reforged and remolded into a different form, and I can sense his dissatisfaction with the meagre offerings. Promising to make it up to him, I turn my Will inwards and grow to match Zhen Shi’s gargantuan size before lashing out with all three weapons. Peace and Tranquility move without need for my hand or mind to guide them, but lack the power required to pierce through our golden robed foe, his form standing utterly still in place while my weapons swerve away as if unwilling to hurt him. Drawing upon my Will, I channel it all into Unity as I bring it down for a strike, resisting Zhen Shi’s attempts to manipulate causality and prevent my attack from landing. It’s more difficult that it sounds, for I must stay true to my Will, while he shifts perception in an effort to sway me, making it seem as if he’ll move, I’ll move, the world will move around us, and every possibility in between.

And while locked in this exchange, he summons a veritable armoury of weapons into existence and sends them flying towards me, but I see past the façade, for these are merely more Spectres which have been twisted and transformed into tools, tools which shatter in a single blow as they crash headlong into my Runic Armour. It’s a matter of Will, and the Spectres are sorely lacking, for they are driven by need alone, the need to be freed from their tormented existence.

Joy and exhilaration flood through me as we match Wills in the Void, for the thrill of battle is an intoxicating experience unlike any other. Withdrawing from our stalemate based on mutual decision, I let the Movements flow out of me as I hack my way through a storm of blades and trade blows with Zhen Shi himself, blocking my glaive with his empty palms and a dismissive sneer etched across his face while continuing to shift perception all around me. Up, down, left, right, forward, backwards, it all swaps places and snaps back in a dizzying display, but I see not with my eyes, but my Spiritual Senses. This I keep locked onto his form, a powerful Spiritual entity here in the Void, and though I doubt this is his soul in truth, I cannot help but wonder where he got the metaphysical juice to pull something like this off.

The answer comes even as I ask the question, that sense of knowing without knowing which I so detest, for Zhen Shi is a parasite just like the Spectres he studied, harnessing the death and suffering of every Imperial soul within four harbours in order to produce this Natal Soul, one he directly controls from afar. The connection is there, but so unbreakable there’s no point in even trying, so I continue to fight the good fight without injury or progress, but assured by the knowledge that I can handily outlast him, because I am being powered by a font of Heavenly Energy.

Confident though Zhen Shi appears, I sense his growing apprehension thick in the air as we trade countless blows in the Void, but it is not my weapons which concern him. No, it’s something else, something close, but he doesn’t want me to find out, which is why he’s so desperate to keep me engaged. His simmering rage tells me he would rather destroy me outright, but while I’m not sure if he can, I feel like he could put up more of a fight than just trading blows head-to-head. Surely he’s got many more tricks up his sleeve, but he’s holding back to keep me occupied because he doesn’t want to give me any time to think.

Why?

The answer comes immediately, one Prime Me arrived at thanks to his part as an objective observer. “The Spectres,” he Sends. “Devour them, and whatever hoo-doo they’re working will dissipate.”

As soon as he says it, I find and shatter the second cloak of darkness shrouding my perception, even as my rage mounts at allowing myself to be so easily fooled. This is what he didn’t want me to see, the cause of the Aura-like effect pervading all of Meng Sha, and immediately, I know what I must do. I also know what it will cost me, which Prime Me has yet to figure out, else he wouldn’t have told me to do this in the first place. It’s a difference of perspective, as I am more in tune with my Spiritual Senses than he is, which is hardly unexpected. It’s more math again. The Spectres are beings of negative emotions, while I am incapable of generating emotions, whether they be positive or negative. Thus, if I Devour the Spectres, then I will no longer be Balanced, because even though I can experience emotions, that’s not the same thing as creating them, which is a distinction that makes all the difference in the world.

Because if I am no longer Balanced, then I will be no different from the Spectres, and Blobby will Cleanse me out of existence, meaning I won’t be able to live after all.

I cannot lie and say I feel no fear or apprehension, but I do not hesitate as I break away from Zhen Shi and dive straight towards the cloud of writhing Spectres. Putting together a Sending for Prime Me, I pass on everything I’ve learned and experienced and hope it will make a difference, because then, my life and death will have meant something. That’s all I really have going for me, because things unfold exactly as expected. I Devour the Spectres, and Blobby Cleanses me away, all of which takes place in the blink of an eye, a single moment which stretches on into eternity.

There is no pain, but plenty of regrets. I never got to tell anyone I loved them, or hug any floofs tight. I never got to feel the breeze on my skin or the sun on my back, snuggle up under a warm blanket or taste Charok’s delicious cooking. Simple pleasures, all denied me by fate, but at the end of the day, when all the chips were on the line, I did what needed to be done.

Not the worst way to go, so what more could a guy ask for?

Chapter Meme