SAYE

“Cheng-ge, I miss you so much. Right here, right now.”
Author: Wu Zhe, Translated by Ami <3

     The admission letter listed the registration date as the 9th. Gu Fei suggested that they should arrive a couple days early to get familiar with the surroundings, but Jiang Cheng neither agreed nor disagreed. Since Jiang Cheng said that he would buy the tickets, Gu Fei did not continue to bring it up.

     Jiang Cheng procrastinated until the moment when if he didn’t buy the tickets right then, he’d probably not be able to get any. Under the threat of that deadline, he finally bought the tickets for the 8th.

     Looking at the reservation information sent to his phone, Jiang Cheng felt a little dispirited. At that moment, the misery of his looming departure was so overwhelming that it completely and utterly vanquished any joy of finally getting to go to his preferred school.

     “Cheng-ge,” Gu Fei was standing in front of the closet as he took out Jiang Cheng’s clothes one by one, “you really don’t want to pack your own clothes? What if I packed something you don’t like…”

     “I don’t care.” Jiang Cheng was sitting cross-legged on the bed, playing the idiotic Aixiaochu on Gu Fei’s phone. He hadn’t really helped Gu Fei play this game for a long time, and Li Yan had surpassed him by more than a few levels. The game had even updated three more levels already.

     “Then don’t yell at me later when you don’t like the clothes you took,” Gu Fei said.

     “Mhm.” Jiang Cheng glanced at him. “Why don’t you pack me that t-shirt of yours, the dumb one that says ‘F U C K’ on it.”

     “That dumbass shirt is really old though,” Gu Fei said.

     “I’m gonna wear it to sleep.” Jiang Cheng put his head down and went back to the game.

     “Alright then. I’ll go home later to get it.” Gu Fei gave a little smile.

     “And those track pants of yours with the stripes down the sides, and the black hoodie,” Jiang Cheng said. “Oh yeah, and the grey jacket… Oh and uh, why don’t you grab a few pairs of your… underwear, for me to take with.”

     “How about this,” Gu Fei looked at him with one hand on the closet door, “we stop packing here, and mister can come get it straight from my house?”

     “That’s all.” Jiang Cheng thought about it and also laughed. “Leave me alone, it’s not like you’re going to miss a few pieces of clothing.”

     “The ones that mister ordered are all ones I wear on the daily,” Gu Fei said.

     “Oho,” Jiang Cheng gave him a sideways look, “nevermind then. If I took them I guess you’ll just have to run around naked, huh?”

     “Geez.” Gu Fei cracked up laughing. “Anything else you want? I’ll grab it all in one go when I go home later.”

     “Gu Fei,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “Hm?” Gu Fei looked at him.

     “Gu Fei,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “Huh?” Gu Fei answered again.

     “Gu. Fei.” Jiang Cheng said. “What, have you suddenly gone dumb?”

     “… Oh,” Gu Fei started laughing, “got it.”

     He walked to the bedside and planted a kiss on Jiang Cheng’s forehead. “You don’t need to take Gu Fei with you. Gu Fei is already yours—can’t be lost—he’s yours no matter what.”

     Jiang Cheng swiftly reached up and bit Gu Fei on the chin.

     “Fuck.” Gu Fei flicked Jiang Cheng’s head. “You better fix this problem of yours. I’m probably the only one who can…”

     “What, who else?” Jiang Cheng tutted. “Should I bite Pan Zhi? Or Li Yan, or Wang Xu?”

     Gu Fei laughed the whole way back to the closet and continued packing Jiang Cheng’s clothes. When he got to the underwear, he picked one up and asked, “How come this one has a hole? Did you blow a hole in it with your farts?”

     “I hung it on the hook the other day when I was showering, and it caught on something and ripped a hole when I pulled it off,” Jiang Cheng said. “You could’ve asked if you were the one who poked a hole in it.”

     “I’m not that powerful,” Gu Fei laughed as he said. “Or maybe we can try it tonight.”

     “Oh yeah,” Jiang Cheng looked at him and smacked his hand on the mattress, “I just remembered something extremely important.”

     “What?” Gu Fei asked.

     “Since we don’t have any plans for the next few days, let’s hurry and use our remaining time to roll around.” Jiang Cheng’s brows were furrowed. “Otherwise when I go away to school, we’d have to wait until October 1st before we have time again.”

     “… Ah, that truly is a very serious and very important matter.” Gu Fei nodded.

     An activity like rolling around, once started, would have no end. They would sleep when tired, and keep going once they woke up. Young people were filled with the fire of life—if ever they felt emptied out, all they needed was a night’s sleep before feeling pumped full of energy again.

     “Cheng-ge,” Gu Fei was lying on the bed holding his phone, going through the ticket information from the other day, “since we’re leaving for the train station tomorrow morning, in order to get up on time, should we hit pause on the great and important work of rolling around? It’s just that we’re also running out of lube and condoms and stuff…”
     “Why are you so shameless.” Jiang Cheng turned to him. “Do you not feel at all embarrassed when you say things like this?”

     “… You’ve done it like a hundred and eight thousand times already and you wanna tell me you’re embarrassed?” Gu Fei laughed out loud. “As if your voice wasn’…”

     “You bastard!” Jiang Cheng lunged over and covered Gu Fei’s mouth. “Even if I’ve done it two hundred and sixteen thousand times I’m still not as thick-skinned as you, running your mouth like this!”

     Gu Fei continued to cackle beneath Jiang Cheng’s palm—his eyes turned into curvy slits.

     “Tell me! Were you wrong!” Jiang Cheng glared viciously at Gu Fei.

     Gu Fei mumbled something incoherently.

     “Talk properly!” Jiang Cheng continued glaring at him.

     Gu Fei didn’t make a sound this time. He stuck his tongue out and licked the center of Jiang Cheng’s palm.

     “Shit.” Jiang Cheng immediately felt like his heart had been filled with a hundred bunny plushies—it was full with soft fluffy tenderness. He removed his hand and also licked Gu Fei on the lips. “Right this second, I already miss you so much that it’s killing me.”

     “I’ll go visit you when I have time.” Gu Fei held him. “No need to wait until October.”

     “Yeah.” Jiang Cheng sprawled himself on top of Gu Fei and buried his face in Gu Fei’s neck.

     They didn’t go out for dinner that day. After bringing Gu Miao to the store, they cooked something to eat together.

     Gu Miao didn’t know that Jiang Cheng would be going away to school. Gu Fei thought that it was best that she didn’t know. She could go a long stretch of time without seeing Jiang Cheng, but if they told her that Jiang Cheng was leaving, and that she wouldn’t be able to see him for a long time, she would find it unacceptable and throw a fit.

     “Would be great,” Jiang Cheng sighed gently, “if this was also her attitude toward you.”

     “I’m her big brother after all.” Gu Fei smiled.

     Jiang Cheng didn’t say anything.

     Gu Miao also has a mom, but you’ll never see her throw a fit just because she doesn’t see her mom.

     He knew though, that these words were futile.

     Gu Fei was definitely a unique kind of presence to Gu Miao. There were likely only two kinds of people in Gu Miao’s world: her brother, and everyone else.

     This place where she’d lived since she was born, and the only support she had all this time—these were things that must not change, and must not be lost.

     Gu Miao took Jiang Cheng’s hand and drew a green bunny on the back of it. Then she coloured it in.

     “That looks great,” Jiang Cheng said.

     This praise put Gu Miao in a pretty good mood, so she drew another one exactly like it on his hand, and coloured it in just like the last one.

     Just as she was about to draw a third, Gu Fei intervened from the side and said, “Hey, that’s an oil based marker. How’s your Cheng-ge supposed to go out tomorrow like this.”

     “It’s pretty cool.” Jiang Cheng looked at the back of his hand.

     Gu Fei had to take Gu Miao home in the evening, so Jiang Cheng returned to his apartment first.

     He wasn’t planning to terminate the lease here, since he still had to come back during the summer. Besides, this way Gu Fei would have a place to come to if he wanted to be by himself.

     Jiang Cheng pulled open a drawer, took out an envelope and counted the money inside, then repacked the bills into a lucky envelope.

     He had told Gu Fei previously to not rush about giving him the modelling money, and Gu Fei had been keeping it safe for him. A few days ago, Gu Fei had withdrawn all of it and given it to him.

     Jiang Cheng took 8000 yuan out of that to leave for Gu Fei.

     It wasn’t a lot of money, and there was no way Gu Fei would accept more. Though he wasn’t sure either why he wanted to leave money for Gu Fei.

     Maybe it was because he was reluctant to leave Gu Fei, or maybe he only wanted to do something for his boyfriend—to share a little of the burden.

     He opened the closet and put the lucky envelope in the pocket of one of Gu Fei’s jackets.

     Jiang Cheng stood there and giggled into the closet for a long time as he imagined Gu Fei’s face when he would put on this jacket one day and find the red envelope inside.

     Gu Fei’s worry that they might oversleep and miss the train the next day was proven by reality to be a rather unnecessary one.

     They would definitely not miss the train, because neither of them slept very much the entire night.

     Jiang Cheng kept a pretty good tally on the number of times Gu Fei tossed and turned. Gu Fei even turned to him several times in the middle of the night to gently stroke his cheek. When that happened, Jiang Cheng would try his hardest to clench his teeth and hold still—he didn’t want Gu Fei to find out that he couldn’t sleep, and worry. Just like how his heart ached for Gu Fei, knowing that he didn’t sleep the whole night.
     When the sun was almost up, Jiang Cheng finally could not bear it anymore. He rolled over and pulled Gu Fei into his arms.

     “You’re awake?” Gu Fei asked him quietly.

     “Mhm,” Jiang Cheng hummed.

     “You should sleep for a little longer. It’s not time yet.” Gu Fei patted his back. “I’ll wake you when it’s time to get up.”

     “Mhm.” Jiang Cheng closed his eyes.

     He finally fell asleep at sunrise.

     Though the feeling was more akin to closing his eyes, just to have Gu Fei shake him awake immediately after. “Cheng-ge, get up and come eat breakfast.”

     Get up. Get dressed. Wash up. Eat breakfast. Check luggage. Leave.

     They were silent throughout this whole process. Even knowing that Gu Fei would get on and off the train with him, would travel to the school with him, still Jiang Cheng felt extremely down.

     Gu Fei could only stay with him for two days. Registration was tomorrow, and the day after that, Gu Fei would have to come back first thing in the morning.

     And take the train back by himself.

     Just thinking about it was unbearable—to leave as two, and return as one. He didn’t dare to imagine how Gu Fei must feel.

     There were lots of people at the station. The station that was old, forever run-down and dirty with hints of desolation, that seemed like it would never change, was looking lively due to the start of the school year. In and out of the station were throngs of students with suitcases.

     Anticipation was written all over their faces. At this point, regardless of whether they had done well on the exams, and whether they were going to their preferred schools, all of that took a backseat. Most of their hearts were already filled with the excitement of the new and unknown life ahead of them. 

     It wasn’t too long of a train journey to the school, so Jiang Cheng had purchased seater tickets. Frankly, even if it was a longer trip, he still would’ve wanted to buy seaters. This way, the two of them could sit side by side, arm pressed against arm, and leg against leg. They could lean against the other’s shoulder with just a tilt of the head. If they had sleepers, these actions wouldn’t be as natural.

     If two boys with their own bunks insisted on squeezing together on a single one, it would no doubt look suspicious.

     They found their seats in the noisy car, put their luggages away, and sat down, before breathing sighs of relief.

     It was only then that Jiang Cheng felt a little regret for buying the tickets so late. If he had gotten them sooner they might’ve been able to choose a two-seater row. Now, they were sitting in a three-seater row, and neither of them were next to the window.

     “This isn’t bad at all.” Gu Fei leaned close and pressed his arm against Jiang Cheng’s. “It’s already fortunate that we’re not separated by the aisle. Look at those two in front of us.”

     Jiang Cheng glanced ahead—there was a young couple in front of them. It was clear that they were just like themselves. The boy was taking the girl to school.

     They sat one each on either side of the aisle, and held hands across the walkway. If someone was passing by, they would let go, and rejoin their hands after the person passed, repeating the actions ad infinitum.

     “If we had to sit like that, would we hold hands?” Jiang Cheng asked.

     “It’s a little cheesy,” Gu Fei said. “We can intertwine and linger with our eyes.”

     Jiang Cheng laughed as he looked at Gu Fei.

     “Am I wrong?” Gu Fei looked into his eyes and giggled as he said. “Just like this, two pairs of eyes meeting across space and time. I see your longing, and you hear me say: I’ll be by your side… Thank you for listening to the Gu Feifei Love Poetry Mini Broadcast.”

     “Fuck off,” Jiang Cheng was shaking with laughter. “Don’t copy me.”

     “That is wrong of you, Contestant Jiang Cheng. You shouldn’t corner the market,” Gu Fei said seriously.

     They continued joking around until the auntie in the window seat arrived, and finally stopped.

     Jiang Cheng pulled out his phone and took a photo of the platform to share to his WeChat Moments.

     Very quickly, there were a bunch of replies under it, wishing him well and saying goodbye.

     Wang Xu left the first comment: Come back for October 1st, we’ll eat pie.

     Jiang Cheng chuckled for a while at that before putting his phone away. Then he leaned back in the seat and closed his eyes.

     Not long after that, the announcement notified them that the train would be departing soon.

     Jiang Cheng opened his eyes. In the instant when the train first stirred, his heart stopped for a brief moment.

     He swiftly directed his gaze out the window. There was no one left on the platform. The scenery started to shift backwards.

     The train really was departing.

     The window was like a screen, displaying the changing view like slides in a Magic Lantern. The train station quickly disappeared from sight, and the view was replaced by stretches of worn-down shacks and taller buildings in the distance.
     These houses gradually grew sparser, then eventually also disappeared. The view now showed swathes of farm fields.

     Jiang Cheng’s heart also felt a little hollowed out.

     What he felt back then, as he came here all by himself, dragging his suitcase behind him, was completely different from how he felt right now. At the time, he had hardly taken more than a couple of glances out the window.

     It was a tiny city that he was once reluctant to spend another day in—a place that he only wanted to escape from. But now that it faded out of sight behind him, he was actually starting to miss it.

     He was still adamant on leaving this place—there was no way he could stay—but also true was that it contained precious memories that he would never in a million years forget, as well as a person he would never in a million years let go of.

     Jiang Cheng finally drew back his gaze when his phone rang. It was a call from Pan Zhi.

     The guy really put his words before the exams to action. Even though he didn’t exactly do well, he still convinced his parents to throw in the money that would get him into a university in the same city as Jiang Cheng.

     “Is that Pan Zhi?” Gu Fei asked.

     “Yeah,” Jiang Cheng picked up the phone, “he insisted on picking me up…”

     “If I really don’t go to pick you up, wouldn’t you be very disappointed?” Pan Zhi heard Jiang Cheng’s voice from the other end and voiced his displeasure. “Cheng-er, don’t get me wrong, but the way you’re treating me right now is just like a scummy playboy.”

     “As an actual authentic playboy,” Jiang Cheng said. “You dare to be so thick-skinned as to accuse your gramps of being scummy?”

     “Can’t I? Can you find fault in my single-minded devotion to you?” Pan Zhi said. “You two don’t arrive until the afternoon, and I’m already walking around your campus.”

     “Hold on,” Jiang Cheng said. “When you said you were picking me up, did you mean at the train station or at the school gates?”

     “The train station of course! How do you not know me at all, are we even bros anymore?” Pan Zhi tutted a couple of times. “I’m just here for an early tour, there’s lots of pretty girls at your school… Oh yeah, did you tell Gu Fei that I’m picking you up?”

     “I mentioned it,” Jiang Cheng said. “Why?”

     “Nothing, I just wanted him to know that he has no choice but to tolerate this third wheel. Since you pretty much ignored this third wheel for the entire summer, as if you’ve never known me,” Pan Zhi said. “Though I am still fairly considerate. I won’t watch if you two want to hold hands or make out or something…”

     Jiang Cheng pressed the phone to Gu Fei’s ear so he could listen in. Gu Fei cracked up, “We’ll have to present you with the Best Giant Wheel Award then.”

     They didn’t talk much for the rest of the way, choosing instead to lean against each other with their eyes closed.

     Jiang Cheng was certain that he and Gu Fei both fell asleep, and very sloppily too. More than a few times their heads would knock into one another, and they would open their eyes, exchange a look, and go back to sleep.

     The train was very punctual. About 20 minutes before its scheduled arrival, many people were already waiting at the door with their luggages.

     “Cheng-ge,” Gu Fei yawned and rotated his shoulder, “did you not sleep well last night?”

     “Nah. I slept pretty well.” Jiang Cheng rubbed his face.

     “You were snoring just now,” Gu Fei said.

     “Bull—” Jiang Cheng started but broke off halfway to turn and glare at Gu Fei. “Really?”

     “No,” Gu Fei said.

     “Shit.” Jiang Cheng breathed a sigh of relief. Wherever he was, it was always important to maintain his image. A handsome guy snoring with his mouth open on the train would definitely be a tragic phenomenon that could not be redeemed even by his good looks.

     The auntie at the window seat was also about to squeeze past them to the door with her luggage. Jiang Cheng stood up with one leg curled on the seat and looked up and down the train car.

     Gu Fei reached his hand discreetly into Jiang Cheng’s shirt and caressed his belly.

     Just as he was about to take his hand out, Jiang Cheng leaned forward against the back of the seat and trapped his hand there.

     “Bold, aren’t we?” Gu Fei looked at him.

     “This is the time to give oneself over to passion.” Jiang Cheng smiled at him. “It’s not like anyone knows me here.”

     Gu Fei didn’t say anything. His fingers curled and scratched Jiang Cheng’s belly.

     It wasn’t until everyone else left the car that they finally got off the train with their luggage, walking toward the exit gate where Pan Zhi was waiting for them.

     Halfway there, Jiang Cheng got a call from Pan Zhi.

     “Gramps! Be honest, are you two exacting vengeance on me! Everyone else from your train have all fucking gone! Are you two coming out or what!”

     “Almost there.” Jiang Cheng couldn’t help but laugh. “Who has the time to exact vengeance on you. I just didn’t want to rush out with the crowd, is all.”

     “Hurry up,” Pan Zhi said. “I’ve already booked you a hotel room. We can go eat after you set your stuff down. I got us a table too.”
     “A hotel room?” Jiang Cheng didn’t quite understand.

     “Were you two going to sleep under a bridge tonight? Or were you going to sleep in your dorm, and Gu Fei under a bridge?” Pan Zhi asked.

     “No, I mean, I can just do it myself,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “I’m begging you gramps, give me a chance to show my affection please. Gu Fei’s pretty much taken all my parts,” Pan Zhi said. “We second male leads—or whatever numbered male leads—have it hard, you know?”

     “I’ll give you extra scenes in a bit—we can have a proper hug,” Jiang Cheng said.

     “You should ask the male lead first if that’s allowed,” Pan Zhi said.

     Jiang Cheng didn’t think it had been that long since he’d last saw Pan Zhi, but coming out of the station and seeing Pan Zhi standing there with a new hairstyle and an outfit that positively screamed “playboy scum”, Jiang Cheng couldn’t help the sincere grin from surfacing on his face.

     “Grandpa!” Pan Zhi cried out in extreme enthusiasm.

     “Grandson!” Jiang Cheng shouted back.

     The passersby nearby all looked in their direction, bearing witness to this intergenerational reunion.

     Pan Zhi dashed over and gave Jiang Cheng a hug. “Fuck! I really have missed you.”

     Jiang Cheng laughed as he patted Pan Zhi on the back.

     Pan Zhi let go of him and turned to give Gu Fei a hug too. “Long time no see.”

     “You’ve gotten a whole eight degrees handsomer than the last time I saw you,” Gu Fei said.

     “Good eyes.” Pan Zhi gave him a thumbs up, then gestured. “Come on let’s go let’s go, we can get there directly by subway.”

     “Did you get here really early?” Gu Fei asked.

     “Well of course,” Pan Zhi said. “I’ve been repressing myself and spending time with my parents all summer—I had to escape as soon as I could. I’ve already been here for two weeks, just wandering around all day every day waiting for you two to arrive.”

     Pan Zhi was already very familiar with the various subway lines, and took them straight to the university. The room he booked was at a hotel next to the school.

     “You two go put your stuff away and get ready. We’ll meet in the lobby in half an hour,” Pan Zhi said. “Don’t be late—they’ll cancel our table reservation if we’re not there on time.”

     “Okay.” Jiang Cheng went into the room and closed the door. He sat on the edge of the bed, watching Gu Fei set the luggage down before going into the bathroom to make sure that there was hot water.

     The joy of seeing Pan Zhi again and the ease of chatting the whole way after so long, was slowly dissipating after he entered this room.

     And now, seeing Gu Fei walking back and forth around the room, the reluctance of parting that erupted in this single instant filled him up until he was ready to combust.

     One night today, and one day tomorrow.

     Then the day after that, Gu Fei would leave.

     Meanwhile, Jiang Cheng would be starting a new life here alone. A new environment, with new people. A new life, without Gu Fei by his side.

     For a very long period of time, he and Gu Fei would have to stay in contact through their ubiquitous yet not nearly adequate cell phones.

     Whenever he got an urge to hug Gu Fei, or kiss Gu Fei, he would only have a screen…

     As soon as thoughts like these began to rear their heads, it was impossible to push them back down.

     “Gu Fei,” he called out.

     “Hm?” Gu Fei answered from the bathroom, but didn’t come out.

     Jiang Cheng stood up and walked to the bathroom door. He saw Gu Fei standing there with his hands braced against the sink, staring at himself in the mirror.

     When he heard Jiang Cheng behind him, Gu Fei quickly turned on the tap and splashed some water on his face.

     “Gu Fei,” Jiang Cheng called out again. His heart had twisted itself into a giant knot.

     “Yeah.” Gu Fei turned and gave him a little smile.

     His eyes were a little red.

     “You were crying.” Jiang Cheng walked up to him. There was a tremor in his voice. He cupped Gu Fei’s face in his hands and gently wiped away the drops of water. “Were you crying?”

     “Yeah,” Gu Fei answered. He closed his eyes for a moment. “Cheng-ge, I miss you so much. Right this second.”