She's No Beauty Queen

Focusing on her goals was the only thing Angelina could do. It was what kept her going.

She was going to win Miss Americana. She was going become a neurologist. She would step away from the limelight and finally be able to make real friends and have the sort of life that she wanted.

Her relationship with Eddie wasn't real anyway. As long as she fulfilled her end of the bargain by giving birth to this child and helping him raise it at least partially she was allowed to do whatever she wanted.

He took such good care of her for two reasons as far as she could tell. The first being that he desperately wanted this child to be born because he didn't have any family and that couldn't happen if she wasn't doing well. The second was that he felt guilty toward her for what happened.

The manager may have initiated this but he had still been unwittingly involved. He did whatever he could to provide for her but the budding friendship they had before this all happened was completely gone.

Whatever. She didn't care. She was used to not having real relationships with anybody. He wanted something out of her the way everyone else did. She didn't need his companionship.

Their relationship (if you could even call it that) continued on that way until Aria was born. When the midwife cleaned her up and placed her in Angelina's arms she felt the first positive emotion she had since before the incident.

Love. She loved this baby that she hadn't even wanted in the beginning. It didn't change how terrified she was of not managing to be a better mother than her own had been but she made a vow in that moment to never force her expectations onto her daughter. Ever.

The midwife took a picture of Angelina cradling Aria and kissing her forehead and asked if Eddie wanted to get in the picture with a smile. He shook his head. "No. This is Angel's moment. I can get one with the baby later."

Which was exactly what he did. He spent a lot of time holding Aria when he wasn't at work but he was sure to give Angelina space as she recovered from giving birth.

Part of her appreciated that but it reinforced the idea that Eddie didn't care about her as anything more than his only child's mother. She had been an incubator for him. Nothing more. Having that confirmed closed her heart off to him even further.

As soon as Angelina was well enough to move around again easily she had to get back into shape. She needed her pre-baby body back if she was going to compete in Miss Monterey in a few months.

Eddie hired a nanny for Aria to take care of her while both of them were working. She managed to succeed in winning the title of Miss Monterey and had to make plenty of public appearances within the city while preparing for the Miss Monterey County competition.

She didn't get to spend much time with her daughter but when she did she spent a lot of time singing to her or playing her various musical instruments. Aria seemed to really like that.

Angelina read a lot of parenting books while she was laid up in bed all those months, determined to be better than her mother had been. But she still felt woefully inadequate because of how much time she was missing in her baby's life.

The nanny had to send her a video of the first time she rolled over. And the first time she crawled. Even Eddie was there for her first word, which was 'dada' instead of 'mama.' He had seemed pretty happy about that.

He was a good dad. He doted on Aria and was with her every minute he wasn't working. Unlike Angelina.

He was rather affectionate with her too. He never showed any affection to the mother of his child. She knew he didn't actually like her but it still hurt to see him bestowing love on the baby and seeing her only as an obligation since she was stuck with him.

She had to marry him per their contract so she would never know what it was like to be loved herself. She didn't want to do anything Aria would be ashamed of by finding another lover on the outside.

Besides, who would want her for who she was rather than Angelina Dawson the pageant queen? No one ever had so she had no reason to believe anyone ever would.

At least Aria loved her. She was always very happy to see her when she came home. That helped fill the void in her heart a little.

Angelina missed her baby desperately when she was on the road. Having Eddie help her do FaceTime when she was alone in her hotel room barely helped.

She shouldn't be talking to her child over a screen. She should be at home with her. But being at home hurt because she knew her family wasn't a real one. That was part of what kept her going during those long trips away from home.

She didn't love Eddie, she really didn't, but she hated that things were so awkward between them. If they were going to be stuck together for the rest of their lives for their daughter's sake shouldn't they at least try to make things work more than simply on the surface?

Angelina was only twenty; did she really have to spend the rest of her life trapped in a contract relationship without ever knowing anything different? And what about when Aria was old enough to realize her parents not sharing a room was weird?

She didn't want to bring these questions up with Eddie because she already knew he didn't like her. His behavior over the past few years had made that glaringly apparent.

It was better to force herself to awkwardly float along in a state of survival than to rock the boat. She had seen what happened when someone went overboard physically. She had experienced what it felt like to drown emotionally when she tried to kill herself too. She didn't ever want to feel that kind of despair again.

Things weren't great now but they could be a lot worse if she set herself up for disappointment. Besides, she was so busy right now that it didn't even matter how things were at home.

She would only get busier if she won the Miss Americana pageant. Miss California had to travel all over the state but Miss Americana had to travel all over the country during her year as the queen. The current titleholder was the one to crown the winner the following year.