Solitary Toss of Tenderness

I can’t afford to lose to you

Lian Xuan leaned against Lu Zizheng’s shoulder, her voice soft and slow, ethereal and distant. She murmured, “Once upon a time, there was a little girl. Her parents were married at a young age due to an arranged marriage between her grandfather and her grandfather’s brother. The girl’s mother loved her father deeply, but when the girl was eleven years old, her father brought home another woman and a nine-year-old boy. Her mother passed away two years later, consumed by grief. In that same year, the girl was sent by her father to study in England, almost like an exile. Three years later, the girl fell seriously ill in England, almost on the verge of death. Under pressure from her grandfather, the girl’s father, burdened by guilt towards his former brother, made a heart-wrenching decision. He relinquished control of the company and summoned back the girl, declaring her as the sole heir. In order to gain her grandfather’s support and affection, the girl has walked on thin ice for years, fearing any missteps.”

Noticing that Lu Zizheng remained silent, she gently rubbed her soft hair against the nape of her neck and whispered, “Zizheng, guess who the girl in the story is?”

Lu Zizheng heard Lian Xuan sharing her personal story for the first time. Though she spoke in a light and understated manner, she could sense the hardships and bitterness she had endured. Abandoned at a young age and forced to wander in a foreign land, the difficulties faced by a thirteen-year-old child were evident. If it were the same night from years ago, she would have embraced Lian Xuan with heartfelt compassion, wishing to compensate for all the injustices brought upon her by her father. However, now, she sighed and felt an overwhelming sense of melancholy.

Lian Xuan knew that Lu Zizheng must understand what she was saying, even though she didn’t respond. She continued, “When my mother passed away, she left a will stating that if my father remarried, all her assets would be donated to charitable organizations, thereby threatening him and preventing him from acting recklessly. Before she died, filled with hatred, she told that woman that she would never step foot into the Lian family’s mansion in her lifetime. She wanted her son to forever bear the label of a bastard child. After my grandfather took me back, he forbade my father from bringing them back to the Lian family estate. However, today, with my grandfather being ill and seeking treatment in Anzhou, my father openly brought that woman and her son to my birthday banquet, putting on a facade of a doting father and a loving couple.”

She paused for a moment, her voice carrying a tinge of sorrow. “At that moment, I suddenly felt the irony. Why celebrate so grandly? Amidst the bustling festivities around me, I couldn’t find the meaning of my own existence. Who, then, would feel grateful for my existence?”

Lu Zizheng felt Lian Xuan’s sweater damp, and her own heart felt a bit moist as well. Finally, she couldn’t resist the tenderness in her heart and called out the words she had refrained from saying since their reunion. “Lian Xuan…”

Her voice was soft. “Lian Xuan, happy birthday.”

Lu Zizheng saw Lian Xuan slightly lift her face from her shoulder, tears glistening in her eyes, but a sweet smile gracing her cheeks. “Zizheng, since our reunion, I have been waiting, waiting for you to call me like this, just like this.”

Lian Xuan said, “Throughout her life, my mother never understood how to fight for her own love. She only knew that she couldn’t let go of what should have been hers—the husband, the status, the assets left behind. So, she only taught me how to hold onto what should have been mine. She never told me if I should let go if holding on makes me unhappy. If I don’t get what I truly desire, should I give it up? Zizheng, teach me.”

Lu Zizheng looked deeply into Lian Xuan’s eyes but avoided the question. She turned her head and comforted her in a gentle tone, “You will find happiness.” Lian Xuan herself didn’t even know what she truly wanted, so how could Lu Zizheng teach her? Lu Zizheng didn’t know what kind of answer Lian Xuan expected from her, or perhaps, Lian Xuan didn’t really expect an answer from her.

Lian Xuan let out a long sigh, filled with nostalgia. “Zizheng, since my mother’s passing, the only period of true happiness I had was that short year we spent together. Since then, it has been hard to come by.”

Lu Zizheng saw the bittersweet expression that now covered the once enchanting and lovely face of Lian Xuan, and her heart couldn’t help but sink. Then, she saw Lian Xuan lift her head from her shoulder, surveying their surroundings, and she pointed into the distance, recounting their memories. “I remember there was a fishing platform over there. You were so clumsy back then, couldn’t catch a single fish. Next to it was a water park, and you were timid, afraid to cross the chain bridge alone. A bit further away was our dormitory where we rested. The curfew was strict at night, and the dorm supervisor was fierce. But you found the courage to bring me here, defying the rules. When the dorm supervisor discovered us, we ran and laughed all the way…”

“We ran and laughed…” The final “laugh” word drowned in Lian Xuan’s bitter smile.

Lu Zizheng remembered all the past moments she spoke of vividly. Many years ago, when she had feelings for Lian Xuan, the memories felt as sweet as honey, but after Lian Xuan left, recalling those memories was as painful as pouring salt on a wound.

During that year, the class organized a spring outing. Lu Zizheng usually didn’t participate in such group activities because every time it came to choosing roommates freely, she would find herself in an awkward situation where no one wanted her. However, there was an exception this time because of Lian Xuan.

Lian Xuan invited her to share a dormitory, and due to Lian Xuan’s special status as part of the Lian family business, they could apply for a room for the two of them. Lu Zizheng readily accepted her invitation without hesitation and was filled with great anticipation.

Throughout the spring outing, Lian Xuan stayed by her side. After visiting several exhibition halls with the group, Lian Xuan requested permission from the accompanying teacher for them to have some free time. Thus, what was supposed to be a collective spring outing became a private trip for the two of them.

It was the perfect season with lush greenery and singing birds. The spring weather was beautiful, and Lian Xuan became interested in doing some sketches. They found a nice spot where Lu Zizheng could peacefully fish, while Lian Xuan could indulge in her artwork, without disturbing each other.

But just as Lu Zizheng rented a fishing rod and cast her bait, fully focused on catching fish, Lian Xuan stared at her for a while and teased, “The scenery here may be beautiful, but it’s not even one-thousandth as captivating as you, Zizheng.”

Lu Zizheng’s face instantly turned crimson.

Lian Xuan, feeling even more pleased with herself, suddenly had an idea and said, “Zizheng, you’re as picturesque as can be. How could I miss this opportunity? Let me capture you on canvas, freezing this moment of beauty.”

Lu Zizheng blushed and refused, not wanting to comply. She set aside the fishing rod and attempted to snatch Lian Xuan’s sketchpad, but Lian Xuan furrowed her brows and earnestly admonished her, “Zizheng, don’t move.”

Lu Zizheng, seeing Lian Xuan’s serious expression, although still bashful, felt a sense of joy. Yielding to Lian Xuan, she picked up the fishing rod once again and became a dedicated model for her.

Later on, Lian Xuan would always mock her for being clumsy, spending half the day fishing without even catching a single fish. Little did she know that Lu Zizheng had indeed felt the fish biting the hook, but she was worried about disturbing Lian Xuan’s painting, so she dared not make any sudden movements, allowing the fish to nibble on the bait and leisurely swim away.

In the end, Lu Zizheng didn’t succeed in obtaining that painting. Lian Xuan insisted on taking it home and framing it in her bedroom. That way, the first thing she would see upon waking up and the last thing before closing her eyes would be Lu Zizheng.

During that time, when Lian Xuan spoke with such gentle sincerity, Lu Zizheng nearly fell into one of life’s three great illusions: thinking that Lian Xuan also had feelings for her.

Later, they went together to the water park beside the fishing platform. The suspension bridge there was thrilling and exciting, filled with screams of joy and laughter. Lian Xuan wasn’t interested in it, but Lu Zizheng was eager to give it a try. Encouraging her, Lian Xuan urged her to go ahead. However, while she had the intention, she lacked the courage. After taking only a few steps onto the bridge, she felt it shaking violently as her classmates walked ahead with heavy footsteps. The wooden planks beneath her feet began to sink, wetting her shoes. Lu Zizheng tightly gripped the handrail and dared not take another step.

Unbeknownst to her, Lian Xuan had also made her way onto the bridge. She gently took Lu Zizheng’s hand, smiling reassuringly and soothing her, “Zizheng, don’t be afraid. I’m holding your hand. Even if we fall into the water, I’ll be there with you.”

She tightly held Lian Xuan’s hands, as if holding the whole world, feeling an infinite courage welling up in her heart. With Lian Xuan by her side, she was fearless, not just on this small suspension bridge but even in the face of perilous mountains, raging fires, or the depths of the underworld. So, they calmly crossed that small lake and walked hand in hand across the swaying rope bridge.

Back in the dormitory after watching the evening party, when curfew time arrived, Lu Zizheng sat on the windowsill, counting the stars and gazing at the distant grassy slope. Suddenly, a boundless sense of romance emerged within her, and she couldn’t resist persuading Lian Xuan to join her.

“The stars twinkle in the sky, a cool breeze blows on the slope, fireflies flicker and dart right before our eyes. Don’t you want to experience it?” Lu Zizheng’s enticing words stirred Lian Xuan’s heart as well.

Thus, the two of them turned off the lights and cautiously made their way down. Little did they know, they were spotted by the distant dormitory supervisor just as they were about to leave the dormitory area. The supervisor shouted loudly, “Go back!”

However, Lu Zizheng grabbed Lian Xuan’s hand and they started running, the louder the supervisor’s shouts grew, the faster they ran. They ran panting for a long, long distance, and when Lian Xuan gasped for breath, she reminded Lu Zizheng, “I think… I think they didn’t follow us. We can stop now.”

Lu Zizheng slowly came to a stop and turned around. As expected, the empty road stretched before them, with no one else in sight but the two of them.

She glanced at Lian Xuan and saw her flushed face, disheveled hair, and light panting, which made her look even more adorable. Lian Xuan complained, “It’s all because of you. You said we wouldn’t get caught, but you lied…”

Feeling embarrassed, Lu Zizheng playfully shook Lian Xuan’s hand and meekly admitted, “It’s me. It’s all my fault. If we were caught, I would take the blame. I’m the one who corrupted Lian Xuan. Lian Xuan is a good girl…”

Lian Xuan looked at her with a hint of mischief and burst into laughter. Seeing her laugh, Lu Zizheng couldn’t help but smile and let out a joyous sound. They held hands and started running again, laughing as they ran. Their laughter echoed along the quiet road, intertwining with the sound of their chaotic footsteps.

But, you know, time moves on, and why bring up the past again? Lian Xuan didn’t know that all those memories she gave her would only serve as a reminder that the human heart is the most unpredictable, and emotions are the most fickle thing in this world.

Lu Zizheng felt heartache and sorrow for the pain and grievances Lian Xuan had endured, but that couldn’t justify her malicious accusations and self-inflicted harm.

A gust of cold wind blew, and Lu Zizheng couldn’t help but shiver. Lian Xuan noticed and snapped out of her thoughts, apologizing, “I’m sorry for being impulsive tonight, recklessly taking the highway and bringing you here without considering the consequences. It’s too late now, and I’m sorry to inconvenience you to spend the night here with me. I’ll take you back in the morning when it’s bright.”

Lu Zizheng shook her head, indicating that it didn’t bother her.

Lian Xuan stood up, draped her coat over Lu Zizheng’s shoulders, and briskly walked ahead, leading the way.

Fortunately, they descended the slope, and not far away was a hotel. Lian Xuan presented her identification and requested a double room. Lu Zizheng quietly followed behind her, obediently accepting her arrangement.

The room had two beds placed side by side, resembling the layout of the dorm room where they once shared. The events of tonight were eerily similar to those from years ago, but ultimately they concluded in a different manner.

Back then, after returning from their playful stargazing on the grassy slope, it was even colder late at night. Lian Xuan, after finishing her evening routine, didn’t want to crawl into her own chilly bed. With a mischievous smile, she climbed onto Lu Zizheng’s bed and slipped under the covers, tightly embracing Lu Zizheng like a koala. She playfully said, “Zizheng, you’re so warm. Shouldn’t I bring you home and hide you there, so you can warm my bed every night?” She didn’t see the blush on Lu Zizheng’s ears and the shy smile hiding beneath the blanket. In that moment, Lu Zizheng hugged her back, silently responding countless times in her heart, “I’m willing.”

Now, after a brief time freshening up in the bathroom, they bid each other goodnight and climbed into their respective beds, turning off the lights.

The ticking of the watch echoed in the room, distinctly heard by Lu Zizheng. In this unfamiliar bed, she couldn’t fall asleep.

After a while, Lu Zizheng noticed that Lian Xuan was also unable to sleep because she heard Lian Xuan softly calling her name in the darkness, “Zizheng, are you asleep?”

Lu Zizheng kept her eyes closed, pretending to be asleep, without responding to her.

Then, she heard the sound of the bed sheets rustling and Lian Xuan’s light footsteps—she had gotten out of bed.

Lu Zizheng felt Lian Xuan standing beside her bed. As Lian Xuan’s breath drew closer, a pair of slightly cool hands gently caressed her slightly furrowed brow, slowly and softly, as if trying to smooth out and dissolve those tiny creases.

Finally, Lian Xuan’s breath was right next to her, and a warm kiss was planted on Lu Zizheng’s forehead.

In the silence, Lu Zizheng heard Lian Xuan whispering softly, “Zizheng, I’m so tired. I really wish I could hear you play Canon again…”

At that moment, Lu Zizheng said to Lian Xuan, “Canon represents the joy within sadness, the happiness within tranquility, the sunlight within darkness, and the hope within disappointment.”

Once upon a time, Lian Xuan held such a unique position in her life. However, she didn’t know when that irreplaceable position had already been taken over by Jiang Huaixi.

Feeling Lian Xuan’s warm breath beside her, Lu Zizheng’s heart felt icy cold. She couldn’t help but bitterly question herself in her mind: How can you expect eternity from someone else? How many times have you promised in your heart to love Lian Xuan for a lifetime, to protect her from worries and ensure her well-being? But now, Lian Xuan hasn’t changed, yet haven’t you changed too?

In this world, where can you find an unfading flower, an everlasting bond, an unchanging heart?

Huaixi, in the end, I dare not gamble again.

Simply because I can’t afford to lose to you.

Behind the forgotten photograph on the study desk, the period after “May we be blessed with longevity and share the beauty of the moonlight from afar” only drew half an arc. In the end, it remains incomplete, unable to form a complete circle…