Solitary Toss of Tenderness

I’m afraid you don’t love me as much as I imagine

As the New Year approached, Lu Zizheng finished work and took a bath before lying in bed to call her mother, preparing to discuss the preparations for the Lunar New Year.

After a moment of contemplation, Mama Lu informed her, “Zizheng, this year I want to go back to Juzhou for the New Year.”

Lu Zizheng was slightly taken aback, clearly surprised. Since her mother came to Linzhou and bought a house here, she hadn’t taken her back to celebrate the New Year with her.

Her mother’s voice sounded a bit sad as she said, “It’s been so many years since I spent the New Year with your father…”

Lu Zizheng knew her mother missed her father. She felt guilty because her mother had to leave Juzhou and come here to take care of her. Now, her mother wanted to go back, and she had no reason to stop her. Without any hesitation, she agreed, “Then let’s go back to Juzhou. I’ll book the tickets tomorrow. I have to work until the 27th, so I’ll book them for the morning of the 28th. Mom, should I wait for you to go together, or should you go back first?”

Mama Lu replied, “Let’s go together.”

On the 27th, after finishing work, Lu Zizheng went home and packed her luggage to her mother’s house. She had prepared the luggage the previous night.

After dinner, she stood alone on the balcony, gazing at the distant lights of countless households, and suddenly felt a hint of loneliness. She and her mother had bought a house in this city and settled down, but in the end, it still wasn’t her mother’s true home. No matter how many painful memories Juzhou had given them, she had to admit that it still held her mother’s deepest concerns and anchored her mother’s deepest roots because her beloved father, whom her mother cherished the most, was there. The true home of the heart lies in one’s hometown. Regardless of how far she had traveled, her mother’s roots always resided with her father. And herself, was she destined to wander and be a rootless person?

That night, Lu Zizheng had trouble sleeping again. As she had to wake up early the next day to catch a train, without much hesitation, she took two sleeping pills from the drawer and swallowed them, then drifted off into a deep sleep.

She felt herself half-asleep and saw the sky gradually brightening. Early in the morning, Jiang Huaixi appeared by her bedside, pulling her blanket and tickling her armpits to wake her up quickly.

She asked Jiang Huaixi, “Why are you up so early? Are we running late for the train? Is the high-speed train about to depart?”

However, Jiang Huaixi pulled her out of bed and pushed her into the bathroom, laughing. “You’re still not fully awake,” she said. She squeezed toothpaste onto a toothbrush and handed it to Lu Zizheng. Then she filled Lu Zizheng’s tooth cup with water and gave it to her, saying, “Didn’t we agree on this yesterday? Don’t play innocent now.”

Lu Zizheng, still in a daze, felt that waking up and seeing Jiang Huaixi right away was such a wonderful feeling, as if it were a dream. Suddenly, a realization hit her, and she became somewhat aware that she was probably dreaming.

Mechanically, she finished brushing her teeth while lost in thought, then turned her head to look at Jiang Huaixi. Jiang Huaixi had just finished brushing her teeth as well, spitting out the last bit of foam from her mouth. She rinsed her mouth and her lips were rosy and shiny. Seeing Lu Zizheng looking at her, she raised an eyebrow in confusion and pouted, looking exceptionally cute.

Lu Zizheng felt her heart melting. Since it was a dream, why not do whatever she wanted without any worries? She put down the tooth cup, unable to suppress her inner desire, reached out, and embraced Jiang Huaixi. In the bewildered expression of Jiang Huaixi, she pressed her lips against hers, leaving a passionate kiss.

After a slight surprise, Jiang Huaixi did not resist. She wrapped one arm around Lu Zizheng’s waist and gently stroked her earlobe with the other hand, responding tenderly and delicately.

As the kiss ended, Lu Zizheng blushed and gazed at Jiang Huaixi, whose face had a rosy tint and was slightly out of breath, not wanting to move even the slightest bit. Jiang Huaixi curved her lips slightly, looked at her, and lightly pressed a finger against her own lips before murmuring, “It seems I didn’t treat Zizheng well enough last night…”

Lu Zizheng saw Jiang Huaixi’s alluring and captivating appearance for the first time, causing her face to turn red, unable to meet her gaze. She then heard Jiang Huaixi chuckle softly and pull her hand, walking away, teasingly saying, “Weren’t you quite imposing just now? Turns out you dare to do but not admit it…”

Lu Zizheng turned her face to look at Jiang Huaixi, and her eyebrows and eyes curved in a smile. If she could have such dreams every night, she would be willing to live in a dream forever.

It turned out that what Jiang Huaixi had mentioned was their agreement to climb the mountain together. Lu Zizheng stood at the foot of the mountain, gazing at the towering peaks that seemed to reach the clouds, feeling a bit hesitant. It was as if Jiang Huaixi could sense her thoughts as she touched her face and kissed her forehead, comforting her in a gentle voice, “Don’t be afraid, I’ll be with you.”

She held Lu Zizheng’s hand tightly, interlocking their fingers. Lu Zizheng gripped Jiang Huaixi’s soft hand with force, feeling as if the whole world was in her grasp, and she had no fear of anything. Following Jiang Huaixi’s steps, they climbed to the mountaintop, talking and laughing along the way, filled with enthusiasm.

However, when they finally reached the highest point and admired the beautiful scenery side by side, Lu Zizheng turned her head and unexpectedly saw Zhou Fangfan and Lin Wei.

They stood not far away, looking at her and Jiang Huaixi, and in a disdainful tone, Zhou Fangfan said, “Hey, Zizheng, so many years have passed, and you’re still a freak. You’ve come to cause trouble for others again. Why didn’t your mother send you to a mental hospital back then?” After speaking, they spat in the direction of Lu Zizheng and Jiang Huaixi, then arrogantly walked away.

She tightly held Jiang Huaixi’s hand, shielding her in front, not allowing Jiang Huaixi to see the terrible faces they made.

But just as Zhou Fangfan and Lin Wei left, Ji Yao and Lian Xuan appeared out of nowhere. Ji Yao shook her head in regret and said to her, “I told you back then that Lian Xuan was only curious about you for a moment, found it amusing. She knows all about your past. I told you not to get too deeply involved, but you didn’t listen. Look, now you’re suffering, aren’t you? If you’re smart, you’ll stay away from Lian Xuan in the future, don’t keep entangling yourself with her.”

Lu Zizheng defended herself loudly, saying, “I didn’t entangle with Lian Xuan…”

But Lian Xuan merely glanced at her with the same disdainful look as before, then disappeared together with Ji Yao.

She felt wronged and sought comfort, but she felt as if the presence in her hand had disappeared. She turned her head and realized that Jiang Huaixi was nowhere to be seen. When she looked back, she saw Jiang Huaixi already on the opposite side, far away from her. There was a row of people blocking her path—Grandmother Jiang, Father Jiang, and Mother Jiang. Mother Jiang said, “Zizheng, don’t come looking for Huaixi anymore. How could Huaixi, just like you, be a freak? Leave her alone.”

She cried and rushed toward Mother Jiang, trying to break through the barriers of the Jiang family and reach Jiang Huaixi. But no matter what she did, she couldn’t break through. She could only cry and beg Mother Jiang to fulfill her and Jiang Huaixi’s relationship. She said, “Auntie, I truly love Huaixi. I will love her more than anyone else.”

However, Mother Jiang said, “If you truly love her, let her go. Let her have a normal life under the sun. Don’t let her face continuous humiliation even when climbing a mountain. Is subjecting Huaixi to this kind of life truly an expression of your love for her?”

She couldn’t come up with any rebuttal and could only gaze at Jiang Huaixi with tearful eyes, filled with hope and seeking assistance.

However, Jiang Huaixi stood behind Father Jiang and Grandmother Jiang and quietly said, “I’m sorry,” before walking away with Mother Jiang.

She stood alone at the mountaintop, feeling desperate. Her legs trembled, her heart raced rapidly, pounding in her chest. She could hardly maintain her balance, and there was nothing to hold onto or lean against. A fierce, chilling mountain wind blew, causing her to lose her footing and fall into the abyss…

Lu Zizheng was awakened by pain. Before opening her eyes, she regained consciousness and heard her mother softly calling her, “Zizheng, don’t be afraid, Mom is here…”

She opened her eyes and saw her mother kneeling beside her, embracing her. She herself was lying on the cold ground. Her mother said she heard a loud noise from the next room and rushed in to find her lying on the ground, crying.

She propped herself up with one hand, sat up, rubbed the back of her head, wiped away her tears, and comforted her mother, saying, “Mom, I’m fine. You should go back to your room. It’s chilly at night.”

Mama Lu, still worried, asked, “Did you fall? Was it a nightmare?”

Seeing that her mother didn’t seem inclined to leave, Lu Zizheng pulled her mother and nestled together under the covers, replying, “I didn’t fall, it was just a nightmare.”

Mama Lu sighed and held Lu Zizheng gently, saying, “It’s okay, don’t be afraid. Mom is here with you.”

Lu Zizheng snuggled in her mother’s embrace and pleaded softly, “Mom, please stay with me, always and forever. Don’t leave me.”

Mama Lu gently patted her back and said, “Silly child, how can Mom always be with you? There will come a day when Mom grows old.”

Lu Zizheng closed her eyes and murmured softly, “Then on the day Mom leaves, I’ll accompany Mom. Wherever Mom goes, I’ll go.”

Mama Lu stopped patting her back and lightly tapped her head, as if reprimanding her. “What nonsense are you talking about?”

Lu Zizheng fell into silence, feeling downcast.

Mama Lu softly comforted her, “Don’t think such random thoughts. Go to sleep now…”

Later, Lu Zizheng fell asleep in her mother’s arms, still drowsy and half-asleep.

In the morning, after waking up, neither Lu Zizheng nor her mother mentioned the events of the previous night. They had breakfast together and then took a car to the train station to catch a train back to Juzhou.

Once on the train, Lu Zizheng sat by the window, resting her chin on her hand, silently gazing at the rapidly retreating scenery outside, lost in thought.

Throughout the journey, there were ups and downs, but also vibrant colors. As passengers on this train bound for a distant destination, how could they distinguish who was just a passing scenery and who was the long-awaited homecoming?

Suddenly, her phone rang in the silence, and on the screen flashed the name “Jiang Huaixi.” Lu Zizheng stared at it for a while before finally answering the call.

Jiang Huaixi’s voice remained cool and steady as usual. She said, “Have you finished buying the New Year goods for your family? I want to get some things for my family in the afternoon. If you’re available, would you like to come with me?”

Lu Zizheng knew that Jiang’s family had already prepared the New Year goods and didn’t need Jiang Huaixi to go out. Jiang Huaixi was simply considerate and worried that she might have difficulty buying things without a car. But as she watched the passing scenery outside the window, she felt a sense of frustration and said, “No need. My mom and I are already on our way back to Juzhou this year.”

Jiang Huaixi seemed surprised and asked her, “Why didn’t you mention it earlier?”

Lu Zizheng closed her eyes slightly and calmly asked in return, “Why should I tell you?”

There was a moment of silence from Jiang Huaixi’s end of the phone before she responded calmly, “Alright then, have a safe journey with Auntie. Goodbye.”

The phone emitted a busy tone, but Lu Zizheng held the phone and continued listening without hanging up.

Huaixi, I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry…

Mama Lu turned her head and asked, “Was it Huaixi calling? Did you have an argument?”

Exhausted, Lu Zizheng rested her head on her mother’s shoulder and whispered, “Mom, I feel like Huaixi and I have lost our way. We were always taking a stroll in a forest together, with no rush. But now, when I want to leave, I find that there’s only one exit ahead, and the sign says it’s highly risky. My heart is in chaos, and I don’t know whether I should try to bring Huaixi along on this risky adventure. But Huaixi remains calm and composed, making it difficult for me to understand her. I’m increasingly lost and confused.”

Mama Lu gently touched Lu Zizheng’s head and said, “Why don’t you ask her if she wants to take the risk with you?”

Lu Zizheng replied, “I’m afraid…” She was afraid that once she made a move, there would be no turning back.

Mama Lu encouraged her, “Zizheng, do you remember what Mom always told you when you were little? Don’t be afraid. No matter what you encounter, always remember to be brave.”

But Lu Zizheng simply murmured softly against her mother’s shoulder, “Mom, I feel so sad…”

She was so scared. If she didn’t reach out and hold onto Jiang Huaixi, she would eventually lose her. But she was even more afraid that if she did reach out and hold onto her, she would still ultimately face the result of losing her. What she feared the most was that she couldn’t hold onto her at all, that what’s done is done, and then they wouldn’t even be friends anymore.

I clearly know I shouldn’t and can’t do it, but I can’t help but want to ask for more. I clearly despise my own weakness and timidity, but I can’t help but indulge in irrationality and want to blame your indulgence and tolerance.

I’m afraid that you don’t love me as much as I imagine, that you’re not as steadfast. I’m afraid that you’ll leave halfway, leaving me alone behind. I’m afraid that one day, if you face criticism, you’ll start regretting and blaming me for leading you astray. But what I’m most afraid of is that you only see our relationship as good friends, not lovers…