Solitary Toss of Tenderness

You are always coming late

“Baihan, long time no see.”

Jiang Wang’s words were so calm that Xu Baihan had a moment of illusion, as if they were merely sisters reuniting after years of separation, rather than former lovers entangled in life and death for more than a decade, intertwined with love and hate.

Xu Baihan raised her eyes and stared at Jiang Wang intently, trying to discern her emotions from her expression, but all she saw was Jiang Wang’s eyes, as tranquil as an ancient pool without ripples, obscure and inscrutable, revealing no trace of emotional fluctuations.

Xu Baihan opened her mouth, feeling as if her heart was being crushed by a thousand-pound boulder, making it difficult for her to breathe. She knew that there were countless words and explanations she wanted to express in her heart, but in the face of Jiang Wang’s calm and indifferent gaze, all those words seemed to get stuck in her throat, unable to make any sound.

However, Jiang Wang appeared completely unperturbed, seemingly understanding something, and there seemed to be a hint of mocking in her expression that Xu Baihan couldn’t quite grasp. She remained silent, patiently waiting for Xu Baihan to speak again.

Xu Baihan tightened her grip on Jiang Wang’s hand, drawing strength to speak up. Finally, she found her voice and said, “Yun Bo, I’m sorry…”

As soon as the words left her mouth, she saw Jiang Wang suddenly break into a faint smile, parting her tightly pressed lips. The smile held a mixture of understanding, loneliness, and clear sarcasm.

In that moment, Jiang Wang laughed at herself, and she felt an inexplicable glimmer of anticipation. She couldn’t help but want to laugh bitterly or cry out loud in her heart. It seemed that the wound that had never fully healed but was repeatedly torn open in her heart was now gushing blood, causing both unbearable pain and a strange sense of relief. Her eyes almost welled up with tears, and she struggled to suppress the surging emotions.

Over the years, what she had sought was never Xu Baihan’s apology. But Xu Baihan could only offer her this one phrase, “Yun Bo, I’m sorry.” Whether it was many years ago or today, she could never give Jiang Wang what she truly wanted. She should have known that, shouldn’t she?

Jiang Wang slightly turned her body, gently pulling her hand free from Xu Baihan’s grasp, and calmly replied, “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

In an instant, Xu Baihan sensed the sudden resistance emanating from Jiang Wang. In a moment of panic, she reached out and tightly held Jiang Wang’s hand again, desperately and incoherently explaining, “Yun Bo, I’m sorry. Back then, I didn’t really want to abandon you. I just couldn’t stand by and watch you die. Yun Bo, at that time, I thought I would immediately come and be with you. I wouldn’t let you be all alone. We would die together, I really, really…” However, before she could say the last words, “I love you, more than I could have imagined,” she saw a flash of mockery in Jiang Wang’s eyes. This caused her throat to choke, and she lost her voice. Under Jiang Wang’s naked mockery, even a hint of disdain, she couldn’t continue speaking…

Yes, to die together, to be as resolute and unwavering as they once said. But now, wasn’t she still here, right in front of her? Hadn’t she survived for more than ten years, forsaking her? Regardless of her motives or reasons, the undeniable truth laid bare before Yun Bo was that Xu Baihan had indeed survived after her life and death struggle. And now, she dared to stand here and shamelessly seek forgiveness, defending herself… Wasn’t that the greatest irony?

Xu Baihan suddenly lost all strength to support herself, burying her head low, releasing the tight grip on Yun Bo’s hands, and covering her face. Tears flowed silently and vigorously through her fingers, sprinkling the ground with her heartache…

She didn’t blame Yun Bo for looking down on her, she didn’t blame her…

In an instant, even she couldn’t help but scorn herself, thinking, “Xu Baihan, you really speak more beautifully than you sing…”

However, Jiang Wang, after seeing Xu Baihan sink into silence and despair, spoke calmly, “It’s okay, I’ve forgotten, so you should forget too.” She turned her head to glance at the sunset that was already half hidden outside the window, faintly smiling in her heart. Look, whether it’s good or bad, another day is coming to an end. Everything has become like this, so what else can be done? Let it be.

She checked her watch and asked softly, “I’m about to finish work, do you want to leave together?”

Through tear-filled eyes, Xu Baihan looked at Jiang Wang’s calm and unruffled expression. She felt her heart turning into ashes, overwhelmed with deep sorrow, yet in the end, it could only manifest as bitter tears rolling down the corners of her eyes…

How could she tell her that she really, truly loved her? She had engraved her into her heart, integrated her into her life. How could she expect her to forget? She tried to speak again, attempting to tell her, “Yun Bo, these years I haven’t had a single moment without thinking…” The word “you” was trembling on her lips, but Jiang Wang interrupted her calmly, her voice chillingly composed, “Baihan, today might not be the best time for catching up. Let’s go downstairs first.”

In an instant, Xu Baihan felt defeated. In her desolate hopelessness, she failed to detect the faint trembling in Jiang Wang’s composed tone. Only Jiang Wang herself knew that she was close to fleeing in panic. Xu Baihan’s sudden appearance was unexpected, catching her off guard. She wasn’t prepared to remain emotionally detached no matter what Xu Baihan said or did, not prepared to remain steadfast in her response. That’s why she didn’t want to listen, she dared not listen. She was afraid that every word, every phrase uttered in Xu Baihan’s tearful tone, would inadvertently tear apart all her composed masks, shatter all her rational expectations.

Many years later, today, Jiang Wang finally confronted herself with honesty. Indeed, she still loved her, just like many years ago, deeply and truly loved her. However, in the anticipation of disappointment time and time again, that love had accumulated into an ache.

“I still love you,” entangled with indescribable and unclear resentment. But then, what did it matter?

To know that heartache was inevitable, so why bother caring about those fleeting moments of tenderness.

In Jiang Wang’s calm and indifferent demeanor, Xu Baihan finally felt powerless to explain any further. She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Both of them gazed at each other in silence, leaving the place without a word. Jiang Wang pushed Xu Baihan’s wheelchair slowly, and they walked silently. Xu Baihan sat in the wheelchair, deep in thought.

As they approached the hospital’s entrance, Jiang Wang finally heard Xu Baihan’s hopeful plea, tinged with a sense of desperation, “Yun Bo, I love you. Can we start over, please?”

In that moment, Jiang Wang’s hand trembled slightly, and her steps faltered for a moment. She seemed to be swaying in the misty surroundings.

Xu Baihan turned her body slightly, looking at Jiang Wang with hope-filled eyes in the midst of the glistening mist, waiting for her response. If all words were feeble and inadequate, then she was willing to prove everything through actions.

But throughout it all, Jiang Wang remained silent, continuing to push her forward step by step.

As they were about to reach Xu Baihan’s waiting car, she finally heard Jiang Wang’s soft laughter. She tilted her head slightly and saw Jiang Wang’s faint smile drawing closer.

Jiang Wang bent down, leaning close to her ear, and softly whispered with a sigh, “Baihan, you always come late like this…”

In the next moment, the world spun around, and Xu Baihan could only watch helplessly as Jiang Wang decisively and indifferently turned and walked away, step by step, disappearing from her sight, from her world. Tears blurred her vision.

Echoing in her ears incessantly was Jiang Wang’s cold and slightly mocking remark, “I’m sorry, I don’t need it anymore…”

In that moment, her heart shattered like snow under a thousand arrows…

At night, Jiang Huaixi made up her mind to change Lu Zizheng’s usual unhealthy sleep habits. It was only ten o’clock, but she turned off the lights and urged Lu Zizheng to go to bed.

Lu Zizheng, determined by her decision during the day, was no longer as reserved as the previous night. Without much hesitation, she climbed onto the bed, slipped under the covers, and willingly nestled next to Jiang Huaixi. Just like the previous night, she extended her arm and wrapped it around Jiang Huaixi’s slender waist. Then, she felt a subtle shiver in Jiang Huaixi’s body.

Under the faint moonlight, Lu Zizheng noticed a slight trace of shyness on Jiang Huaixi’s face, which made her unable to suppress a gentle smile and a sense of relief.

Jiang Huaixi slightly furrowed her brows, discreetly cleared her throat, and naturally turned her body to remove Lu Zizheng’s hand resting on her waist. She casually remarked, “When it gets hotter in a while, we’ll probably need to change the quilt.”

Lu Zizheng gazed at Jiang Huaixi’s beautiful figure as she turned away, her eyes softening, and softly replied, “Okay.” She kept her eyes on Jiang Huaixi without a hint of drowsiness.

After a moment of silence, Jiang Huaixi turned back and lay down, glancing at Lu Zizheng. Seeing Lu Zizheng looking at her with affection, her heart skipped a beat, and a faint smile appeared on her lips. Trying to act nonchalant, she teased, “I know I’m pretty, but you can’t stare at me with such a wolf-like gaze; it’ll scare me and keep me awake.”

Lu Zizheng couldn’t help but arch her eyebrows and chuckled, saying, “Do you know what exaggeration means?”

Jiang Huaixi raised her lips in a smug smile, raising an eyebrow calmly, “Well, definitely not someone like me.”

She gazed at Lu Zizheng’s lively and delicate, enchanting and gentle face, and her heart couldn’t help but soften and melt, feeling a sense of moistness within. The first sight upon waking up, the last sight before falling asleep, she could see this face that haunted her dreams, and it was indeed the beautiful dream she had longed for and dared not pursue all these years. Countless times, she wanted to reach out and embrace that soft and delicate body, countless times, she wanted to nod in response to those sparkling hopeful eyes, countless times, she had to restrain herself…

But, Zizheng, if today our dream becomes a reality, and one day, when you wake up, you find that I am no longer by your side and will never come back, will you blame me for today’s indulgent infatuation?

A gentle breeze blew in from outside the window, refreshing her heart. Jiang Huaixi slightly narrowed her eyes, glancing sideways at the large French window, gazing into the vast night sky. A faint, almost imperceptible smile appeared on her lips.

She reached out from under the covers, gently pointing with her slender finger, indicating a row of seven stars arranged like spoons in the distant night sky, and softly asked, “Zizheng, do you see those seven stars in the shape of spoons? That’s the Ursa Major constellation…”

Lu Zizheng followed her finger’s direction but could only see a dark expanse in the night sky, with only a few ordinary stars visible. So she hesitated and responded, “Um, I don’t think I see it…”

Jiang Huaixi simply smiled lightly, pointing a bit further down, and continued, “Look, a little below it, toward the south, there’s one that shines like a backward question mark; that’s the Leo constellation… Can you see it?”

Lu Zizheng couldn’t help but lean closer to Jiang Huaixi, resting her chin on Jiang Huaixi’s shoulder as they both gazed at the night sky. She couldn’t resist whispering in her ear, puzzled, “Where is it? Why can’t I see anything?”

Jiang Huaixi turned her head, a playful smile curving her lips, and she teased, “Maybe it’s because you’re not very clever?”

Not pleased with the comment, Lu Zizheng playfully nudged Jiang Huaixi’s slender shoulder with the tip of her chin as a form of playful reprimand.

In Jiang Huaixi’s eyes, there was an unmistakable fondness and tenderness that she couldn’t hide. She watched Lu Zizheng’s childish actions, and in a soft and sincere voice, she said, “When I was young, I loved being with Huaichuan and Dad, as they taught us about the stars. Ursa Major, Leo, and the North Star—they have always been in my heart. So, I can see them; I can see them always by my side, accompanied by Dad’s gentle whispers.”

Lu Zizheng was slightly taken aback and gazed quietly at Jiang Huaixi. She saw the sparkle in Jiang Huaixi’s eyes, a tender smile on her lips, and she gently placed her hand over her heart, saying, “Zizheng, Auntie is right here. Can you see her?”

Lu Zizheng just continued to look at her intently.

Jiang Huaixi raised her other hand and covered Lu Zizheng’s eyes, softly coaxing, “Use your heart to see. Can you see it now? In your heart, there’s a little house where Auntie lives, safe and sound, gently watching over you, accompanying you, always, always…”

Lu Zizheng’s eyes gently flickered as her long eyelashes fluttered, brushing against Jiang Huaixi’s palm, causing a tingling sensation that made Jiang Huaixi’s heart tremble along with it.

After a long silence, a gentle smile finally appeared on Lu Zizheng’s lips. She gently lowered Jiang Huaixi’s hand that covered her eyes and looked at her with eyes even warmer than the night. Under Jiang Huaixi’s bewildered gaze, Lu Zizheng took Jiang Huaixi’s hand and brought it to her lips, lightly placing a kiss on her palm.

She said, “Huaixi, I saw Mom. And I also saw, Huaixi, that house in your heart still has you living in it. Besides Mom, it’s filled, filled with only you…”