Soul Between Lives

Once again, Alex felt the sensation of floating but this time it was different. He could tell he was moving fast as if hurtling through the air! He opened his eyes and saw the vast ground stretching out below him. His wings dipped in surprise and his heart skipped a beat before his muscle memory took over again to stabilize his flight.

[Do I not need to learn how to fly? That's convenient at least.] He looked left and right checking out his new wings and the pattern of his feathers. As he gazed out over the amazing scenery his thoughts returned to the old man and his current situation.

[Even if these bodies are preprogrammed to help me, I'll probably continue getting killed within the same day. This can't continue. When I die I will just show up in front of him again. Again and again. He seems to think I can help this. As if I have any control over where I go when I die. I need his help. Not just this reincarnation stuff. It's just not working and he seems clueless as to why.]

Alex glided on top of the warm air currents letting them take him to where they would. [I have to get him to stop and spend more time trying to figure this out but he seems intent on repeatedly sending me to my death over and over.]

Alex started flying over a large body of water with no sign of the other side in sight. [What can I do to force him to take me more seriously?]

The coast that he came from was getting further and further away. [If I'm going to die anyway... I don't even feel much fear at the thought of death now. Makes me feel silly remembering how I spent days pacing around the backyard fearing death as a little kid.] Alex smiles as he remembers the despair he felt when he first came to understand the concept of death. He was just six years old when he learned that death was the end of everything for him. That all he was would be no more. That he would never wake up from it and it scared him to his very core. He fell into a deeper despair than even the thought of failing Calculus while on student loans had given him in college.

This despair was almost too much for a kid that had barely learned how to tie his own shoelaces. He didn't confide in any adults. Didn't even go crying to his mommy. Didn't even think to come crying to her in fact. [If I had thought about my mother dying at that time, I probably would have... I don't know what I would have done. I think maybe such thoughts did cross my mind but I can't remember.]

To this day even after having been reincarnated so many times, Alex was still fearing for his mother's safety. [I wonder how she's doing. How did my death affect her? What about the rest of my family? Will I ever get to see them again?]

The sight of land was becoming a distant memory by now. [Maybe I can get the old man to send me back home. And not as some grubby earthworm or stupid poodle! A cat might be alright.]

A coherent plan was steadily forming in front of Alex. What could he do other than keep dying? The longer he waited or stayed alive, the longer it would take to get back home. [How much time has passed since I first died anyway? Does it still move the same when I'm living these different lives?]

Just then Alex realized he was completely lost with nothing but water below him and no sign of land in sight, hearing or smell. [If I knew more about the ocean and the directions of waves I could probably find my way back to solid ground. But, maybe I shouldn't bother waiting to start my plan and see what happens.]

Alex flew on trying to reconcile himself with the idea of dying once again and leaving this awesome body and incredible experience. [I don't know what will happen if I keep doing this. How many times can I die before its permanent? What if he decides to just end me for good even?] Alex began to have his doubts about even trying. There was no telling what the old man would do if he became truly angry and finally had enough.

[I wonder if he's watching me right now. Can he even read my thoughts? What kind of response will I get? Will he find a way to stop me? Can he stop me?] His thoughts felt like they were getting more profound by the second. At least it was getting harder to focus on what his objective was the more he thought about it all.

[What exactly is free will anyway? I don't seem to have lost anything other than dignity in all this. And my life...] He closed his eyes and just let the wind embrace him for a long time not letting any thoughts pass through his head as he did this.

[It feels just like sleeping in my old bed and slowly waking up completely relaxed. This really isn't so bad, being a bird. But... It's not enough for me. I can still remember everything from my past. If I was as stupid as that wild boar, maybe I could lose myself in this life. But is that really what I would want? I don't want to give up. I still have my d*mned dreams!]

Soaring a while longer ruminating on all that he would give up if he just let himself go. All that he would lose if he didn't fight to get his old life back, went through his mind. [Can I even get my old life back? Why couldn't I? He is God, isn't he?... Isn't he?] The more Alex thought about the old man, the less certain he was that the old man even was God. Even who the old man was to begin with.

[I wish I could tell my family that I'm still alive. Sorta alive...] Alex sighed at all that he wished he could do right now. It was all the stuff that he took for granted before his demise. Getting a better job. A better house. A better love life! Travel! [Ah, does all this count as traveling?] H*ll just a better life in general than what he was living. [Haha, maybe I could get a better life now but not in the form I'd wanted. Not as me again.]

As Alex continued to soar through the heavens a distant storm was gathering strength and threatening his journey as if to tell him that his time as this bird would soon be at an end whether he liked it or not.

[God! What should I do!?] Alex derided himself as he felt silly thinking about praying at this time and in this place with this form. He had never been a devout believer in religion. He always kept a respectful distance and learned about different beliefs from afar or gleaned what he could from books. Not that he ever read very far before stacking them up and forgetting about them. It was always uncomfortable to ask people about their religion and even more difficult to end the conversation in a positive way without making promises that he'd feel guilty about breaking soon after. If anything he was a spiritualist, whatever that meant. He never truly felt the need for religious guidance and even felt accepting such a thing was a repugnant compromise that made him feel worse rather than happy and secure. Like putting on heavy, bulky chains of cold iron. But here in his current situation, faced with such colossal unknowns and a less than certain future, he couldn't help but start to pray to someone.

[If that old man was reading my mind right now, I'd be pissed.] A mischievous grin came to his face if an eagle could grin. [Stupid old pervert man with dry skin and an ugly, fugly beard! You should cut and shave the d*mn thing because it makes you look stupid, old and senile. Also, If you "got some" more often I'd bet you wouldn't be so cranky! Stupid old fool! Smells like a half-eaten cabbage roll that was left out overnight that no one would want to look at and just throw away, old man!]

Alex could feel the courage spreading through him as he mentally abused the old man. Though a little trepidation still lingered at the thought of how angry the old man might be if he was reading Alex's mind at that moment.

[Wait, didn't he have to pull out a scroll when he first told me how I died? Doesn't this imply that he's not omniscient? It feels like there's something else I'm forgetting too. Something he said before hitting me with one of those orbs.] Alex wracked his brain trying to remember exactly what the old man had said in those fleeting encounters.

[Ah! That's right! He mentioned something about other gods before I became the noble's son. And how it was expensive to keep reincarnating me. Why would it cost anything if he was all powerful like God should be?] Alex was getting excited as he put the pieces together.

[Dang, I wish I had something to write on. This all feels very important.] Alex dipped his wings in frustration which broke his train of thought. [The storm is getting closer. Oh my god, that looks scary.] The storm had grown in power and was a dark wall of clouds all the way down to the surface of the water and higher than Alex could see even as he angled and flapped his wings to fly upwards for a while.

He didn't have much more time to think before the storm was upon him now. With his keen eyesight, Alex could see the wind pushing against the surface of the water far below making a giant wave all along the storm front. Even turning around and flying away from the storm wouldn't buy him much time as it was gaining on him at an incredible speed.

[That wind looks like it will break my wings once it hits me.] He began looking all around while trying to think of ideas on how to handle the current situation. All thoughts about his plan and ruminations were at the back of his mind by this time.

Finally, as the wind appeared to be closing in on him with less than a mile to go, Alex bid his bird life goodbye, closed his eyes and tucked his wings against his body and dove down letting gravity and his aerodynamic body take him to his fate.