Starting a Night Shift Part-time Job at a Convenience Store.

After that―

From then on―

The summer that had merely begun, the last summer of my high school baseball game, ended in a flash, with no time for tears to be shed.

The preliminary round of the national tournament. The result: eliminated in the first round. We were outplayed by a huge margin and literally crushed. Even looking back at past records, a performance like this was unprecedented. The match was that horrendous.

The coach, the manager, the guys on the bench, the teammates… even the spectators, everyone was fixated on the scoreboard as if they were viewing a hopeless spectacle.

It was over… in an all too terribly short duration…

The summer that had finally begun, the last summer, in just one, single match―

I clenched my fists until they bled as I watched. From the bench, far away from the pitcher mound, where the rain hammered down and my teammates shouted and wiped away tears… I never expected to finish the match in this place. It wasn’t supposed to end.

It wasn’t like I underestimated the other school. I knew it was either victory or defeat.

Even so, I had confidence that it would not be over. A strong feeling was present in me that it would not end. And yet… On the scoreboard, drenched in rain, our team’s complete defeat was inscribed. It served as a reminder that we had lost.

We had lost. Right, we had lost. Without giving it my all… I didn’t want to lose, I had to win, before I could even struggle for that―

The reason why the team lost was self-evident to everyone.

The team was not in sync with each other. Or that we were swallowed up by the momentum of our opponents. The cause of the loss was nothing like that.

Rather, the root of our downfall was none other than me.

Because it was me―Translator: MadHatter

I, the pitcher who held the opposing team in check, sustained a dislocated right shoulder when I was hit by a ball hit back by the opposing team in the middle of the game.

Unable to evade the ball, which flew at a terrific speed, I tumbled flamboyantly as it was. The match was suspended at once. Carried to the bench by my friends, who had turned pale, I was treated by the first-aid team, and icing was applied. I did not return to the pitcher mound again after that.

Enduring a dull ache that made me break out in perspiration, I pleaded time and time again to be allowed to pitch again, only to have the manager and the first-aid crew shake their heads.

I was told in brutal words that I could no longer pitch in this match with that shoulder. And so I was replaced by a junior who was one year younger than me.

For the junior who had become so stiff under the responsibility of the unexpected situation to stand in the spot that I had virtually dominated, it was inconceivable that he would be able to exert himself to his utmost proficiency. Tension and anxiety made my teammates sluggish, and mistakes that would have been unthinkable under normal circumstances began to plague one after another, leading the team as a whole to fall apart in the blink of an eye.

Even after the spectators departed in the midst of the match, even after they gave out a sigh of resignation, the junior player who substituted me and my teammates continued to struggle until the very end. Before it was over, some of them were running with tears in their eyes.

Even the manager and the substitute player brought their voices to the ground to the end of the game, crying.

Unity, I didn’t want to use that word to encapsulate it nicely but everyone was striving to achieve their ultimate goal.

Only I, nevertheless, could not raise my voice or utter a word until the very end, and while everyone else was shedding tears, I was the only one who was downcast and gnashing my teeth.

While some of them cared for me and argued that it was not my fault, others were so irate that they insisted it was. Regardless of what was said, this was a fact that could not be altered.

Because of me, and me alone, the summer of this entire team drew to a close.

By the time I came to my senses, I was here again. I was gripping the railing on the roof of the rusty old school building, leaning forward and gazing down. Nothing was going through my head; it was pure white, or perhaps it was pitch black.

I thought to myself, I must have looked the most awful I had ever gotten in my life at that moment.

Several weeks have passed since the disappointing and crushing defeat… Since then, various things had arisen and I was utterly devastated.

In the end, I didn’t attend the third year retirement party, nor did I participate in the remaining summer practices, and mostly neglected the e-mails sent by my teammates and Kinoshita and company. My days were spent in lethargy.

My shoulder fracture wasn’t all that severe. The other day, despite the coach’s encouraging me to continue playing in college, I declined the idea.

To put it flatly, it didn’t matter to me anymore. It wasn’t all that simple for me to declare, “Okay, let’s make a change and work hard at university,” given how things had ended out. I couldn’t easily get into the mindset like that.

It wasn’t that I hated baseball. The only issue was that I had caved in to despair.

Not for anyone, not under anyone’s compulsion, but what I had done for myself… the only thing I could be confident in, the only thing I liked and loved to do.

It was my last chance, therefore I was going to give it everything I had so that I wouldn’t have any regrets. But then, the way it ended in such a cruel way…

Forgiving myself was out of the question.

Of course I felt terrible for my friends, juniors, and those who supported me.

But over and above that, I couldn’t forgive myself for finishing in such a position. No matter what I said, it would sound like I was being defensive, so I couldn’t text back or let anyone catch me in tears.

Though I wasn’t overconfident, I was proud of myself that pitching was the greatest thing I could do. Being unable to even pitch, I was the one who dragged the team to defeat… I had indeed fallen into a helpless state, I thought.

No encouragement or consolation could reach me at this stage.

Whatever I did, the muddy feeling that was brewing in my heart couldn’t be swept away. Not wanting to be bothered by anyone, I spent the remainder of the summer break hanging over the railing of the old school building’s open roof, idling until I was released of my emotions.

I was told things like, “It’s a common occurrence to lose because of injuries,” or “It wasn’t your fault, it was a lack of effort on everyone’s part, so cheer up.” Many conventional words were offered to me but not a single one of them struck a chord with me. They may have been thoughtful but I didn’t possess the willpower to rise immediately.

Without a thought of what my next step would be or how I would recover, all I wished was to be buried in the muck of my own heart, alone and without anybody to care about or relate to me.

“You are here again, senior.”

“Hyuga…”NotSharedOnAggregatorSite

I hadn’t met her properly since the school festival.

“…What are you doing here?”

“From the music room, I can see the roof of the old school building. You’re always here these days, aren’t you? Everyone was afraid that you were being haunted because you just stood there and did nothing.”

“Hah… Is that so?”

If they mistook me for a specter, I couldn’t really complain since I was so lethargic over everything right now. With my back against the railing, I turned to face Hyuga. She looked at me with the same expression as usual, neither worried nor distressed. When I didn’t make any comment, she extended her hand toward me and remarked, “Let’s go, senior. Why don’t we go downstairs and have something cold to drink since it’s so hot here?”

Perhaps she was trying not to touch on the subject but I was not pleased with her concern. I declined her invitation bluntly.

“If you want to go, do it alone… leave me alone.”

“Huh, senior, you’re a jerk, let’s go, you’ll get sunstroke if you stay here.”

“I said no… let me be alone.”

If this were the usual… Hyuga would be, I see! I understand! She would have said something like that and walked away.

On this particular day, though, she stayed right where she was and persistently bothered me.

“Hey, senior.”

“Shut up, I told you that I want to be left alone.”

Even though I tried to dismiss her in a roundabout way, she would not leave, and I grew increasingly exasperated. Even so, Hyuga was not daunted.

“You’re not acting like your usual self.”

The words she spat out made me glare at her.

“What the hell…”

“Are you planning on doing that forever?”

Hyuga approached me with a faint smile plastered on her face.

“Even if you stay there, nothing will change. I know what I say may be futile right now, but… please look forward, not backward.”

“…What are you talking about?”

“That’s more like you. Looking backward is not like you at all… I can’t bear to look at you like that.”

“What do you mean by ‘like me’? What do you even understand?”

Needless to say, I didn’t think it would be good to wallow in regrets over the past indefinitely.

Hyuga’s words were not erroneous. For the past few weeks, I have been in this state, refusing to accept anyone’s words, dwelling on those moments that I could never return to no matter how much I regretted them, and getting furious with myself for not having been able to accomplish anything.

The cycle repeated itself. Thinking back on the fact that nothing has changed, I fell into despair, and this might not be any different from a child whining.

What I was doing was nothing more than meaningless naivete. In the corner of my mind, I was aware of this, however, it was precisely because I had thrown everything away and worked so hard to attain what I wanted that I couldn’t be easily convinced, nor could I see things from a rational point of view…

That was me, that was all I had. That obstinacy wouldn’t let me mature.

“What the hell do you understand…! Someone like you… someone like you who doesn’t know anything! Don’t you dare laugh at me…!!”

I couldn’t swallow or even accept Hyuga’s words. I thought she had denied me everything I was now. The rage that had accumulated in me and had become uncontrollable exploded.

For the first time, I yelled at Hyuga.

Hyuga’s shoulders shook momentarily. Her exposed fear and shock toward me likely surfaced at that very moment. Even after realizing this, I still couldn’t contain my unleashed anger.

“Right… I withdrew from the match in the bottom of the third inning and was on the bench until the end of the game, making a big spectacle of myself, disappointing my teammates, and losing my confidence and everything, so now I’m just a laughing stock, right?”

Having lost control of myself, I released the black emotions that swirled in the back of my chest for a long time to the junior who stood there, petrified, a year younger than me.

“You’re condescending to me by talking to me like that huh. Or what? Are you trying to act like a good guy by pretending to cheer me up? Hey.”

I lifted up my mouth as if I was looking at a hypocrite. Never once have I cast such words at Hyuga. Not even once did I think of doing so. My words were relentless in succession while noticing that Hyuga’s eyes were turning darker and darker…

“I bet you’re really laughing your ass off inside, right? After all, I was the one who talked so highly of myself, lost just one match, and kept looking back on the past!!”

“Honor students, you know, are excellent because they can do so many things and are extremely popular. You’ve never suffered any hardships in your life, have you?”

That’s why you can say things like that. Because you have never really been through any suffering. You can easily tell someone who can’t look ahead to face the future.

“As if I can turn around… even if you have a lot of those things, that’s all I had!”

The emotions that were swelling up in me wouldn’t relent.

“Don’t you dare spout off light words while goofing off! Hearing you talk like that doesn’t make me happy!”

Even I felt as if I wasn’t myself. Even though this was evidently a one-sided outburst of anger, I couldn’t stop. Combined with the doubts I had been harboring about the reason why Hyuga was hanging around me, my outburst of emotions accelerated even further.

“What is it about you, anyway? You’ve been secretly playing around in the shadows with a few dull guys like me, haven’t you? You enjoy taking on and replacing various guys and making fun of them, don’t you?”

Stop it.

“Is it so amusing to spread lies like that and see how people react?”

What you said before, was that a lie too? Did you try to put me in a good mood with those lies?

She was so elusive that I couldn’t discern her surface or underneath. She might be playing me for a fool, and my true feelings, which I had never expressed, were transformed into ferocious words.

“From the first time I met you, you’ve always lied to me. I can’t read your true feelings at all, or perhaps you never had any true feelings at all… There was a time when I thought you might be a nice person, but after all, I can’t believe in you…”

Stop it…

“You never tell me the truth… you always dodge the subject, always joke around… how do I know which parts of you can be trusted?”

Stop… don’t say any further…

“That story the other day was another lie, wasn’t it?”

Hyuga, who had been standing still until then, looked up and, in a trembling voice, spoke for the first time there in denial.

“You’re wrong.”

“Then prove to me that specters really exist.”

“That’s…”

“You can’t, huh, because it’s a lie anyway.”

Don’t say it. Stop it…

“You’re no better than those people, you know. Talking about things that never happened, as if you’ve experienced them, and confusing those around you…”

“…Senior.”

“You’re a popular guy, of course people will believe you when you talk about it, even if it’s not true.”

“No, senior, listen to me…”

“Enough of your crap. I don’t want to hear any more of your lies.”

“Listen…”

“I said that’s enough―”

Her eyes widened and her mouth opened broader than ever before.

“Listen to me, senior―!!”

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