SG! 33: MEMORIES

He looked ephemeral, so much so that it seemed dangerous to touch him.
His back was to me. But even then, it gave me the impression of a transparent fragility.

Do I — call out to him?

I swallowed hard.
It seemed to me like he was a house built on sand, that he would collapse with a single push.
In that atmosphere, my chest tightened painfully for reasons I didn’t understand. An indescribable oppression seized my heart.
Just how much of himself did he intend to show me?

When I thought of him, I could picture him with his usual gentle smile. That was how he was normally. On the other hand, I’d fallen into the delusion that this captured all that he was, to the point that I couldn’t imagine him any other way.

That was impossible.

Obviously. He was a living person, his own person.
The world wasn’t so kind that someone, whoever they were, wherever they stood, could smile all the time.
Sometimes, it was supposed to be cruel, sorrowful, painful.
Even though it would drive them to tears, or make them want to rant and rave.

But while all that was true —
Even so, that look didn’t suit him. Maybe that was arrogant of me. Maybe I wanted to think that way.
But to be honest, because he was Leon, I didn’t want him to bear feelings that would bring him to his knees like this.

By the time I noticed, I’d walked close enough to Leon that I could touch him if I reached out my hand.
‘I want to do something.’ That thought grew stronger inside me.
But I didn’t know what I should do.
I should call out to him. But at the same time, I didn’t think I should.
In that case, what could I do?
What could I do for him?

Nervously, I reached my hands out to his back. When they were about to make contact, I hesitated.
What am I trying to do here? Staring at my hands, I opened and closed them several times as my mind wandered aimlessly.

What was wrong with Leon that night?
What was wrong with this similarly unusual Leon?

When I remembered, I bit my lower lip, fighting something back. Then, I hugged Leon from behind.

–

–

” — !”

Leon’s surprised trembling was transmitted to me through my hands, my face pressed into his back, my body.
He really didn’t notice me? Dumbass. Inside, I deliberately insulted him.

“—-! Don’t — don’t move — !”

While I did my best not to think about anything, I squeezed my eyes shut. My voice was low and curt.
That alone was enough for Leon to realize it was me. I felt the tension draining from his body.
Then, his hands gently touched the ones I had around him.
Tormented by the sound of my heartbeat going wild, my breath caught at the sensation. Completely contrary to my wishes, I could feel the blood rushing to my face, heating it up.
Why, I don’t want to know.

If I do this, you’ll be happy, right?
If I do this, you’ll calm down, right?

Those were the only thoughts in my head as I tightened my hold a bit.

“…What — were you doing?”

Trying to stave off the hammering in my constricted chest and the flush on my face, I somehow strung together a coherent sentence before he could say anything.

“……Ah, well.”

“Don’t look this way, moron!”

When I sensed Leon turning his head after a pause, I flew into a panic. Immediately, mercilessly — I stopped him with words that left no room for argument.
For now, I didn’t want Leon to move. I didn’t want him to do anything. I was at my absolute limit.
Perhaps sensing that, Leon let out just a small sigh of amusement, and turning back to the tree again, he began to speak.

“I was remembering the old days.”

The tree he was looking up at was an an elm.
I knew what he meant. He was definitely remembering [me].

The present and the dream meshed together.
I’d suspected it for quite some time, but now I was sure of it.
That is, Big Brother, the boy that [I] liked so much — was Leon.

“There was this one elm tree that [Chris] was fond of. She often climbed up and made trouble for me. This isn’t the one from the past, but when I see a similar tree, it unconsciously comes back to me. ”

“…It wasn’t the tree that [Chris] liked. It was just the view from the top of it.”

” — !”

Leon’s words got me thinking.
He didn’t know. That was unexpected.
So, there were things even Leon didn’t know. I felt a bit pleased. With a slight desire for revenge, I started to tell him.

“No matter how many times [I] invited you, you wouldn’t come up. It’s kinda surprising, but are you bad with heights?”

I could tell that the hands resting on mine were slowly but steadily growing warmer. Pressed against his back, I had the feeling that I heard his heartbeat speeding up, just a little.

“Even though [I] wanted to see the view from the top of the tree with you.”

Unable to hold it in, I chuckled.
Alright, even I had to admit that for revenge, this was a bit mean. Still, I couldn’t help but enjoy seeing Leon in such obvious turmoil.

“…Is — Is that so?”

In the midst of his agitation, Leon finally managed to get a few words out. I could sense the small tremor in his hands. Just as I thought his state had changed a little, something slipped past his fingers and pattered onto my hands.

“Ah…”

Before I could figure out what it was, Leon gripped my hands tightly and continued.

“I have a question to ask you… Did you meet her?”

“Mm, you could say that. I saw her in my dreams a couple times. You too.”

“…You’re more of a bully than I thought, too.” 1

“I guess that makes us even, huh?”

His face still looking the other way, his voice escaped in what could be interpreted as a snicker or a wry laugh. Drawn in, I smiled too.

–

–

“About earlier, I… um… I’m sorry.”

2 Both of us were sitting on the ground, looking up into space.
I was filled with an exquisite sensation of peace. Without meeting Leon’s eyes, I put on an air of nonchalance and got to the real issue at hand.
After looking at me for a moment, surprised, he suddenly smiled.

“No, I also… How did I become so angry? It was truly a blunder.”

“Well, if you put it like that, same goes for me. I wonder why I got so pissed off.”

“Why indeed.”

Even as he spoke, Leon couldn’t stifle his laughter.
He really seemed to be enjoying himself. I felt like he’d finally gone back to normal.

“…I was afraid.”

After laughing for a short while, the seriousness returned to his expression, and he said those three short words.

“That I would lose [Chris] again.”

As if following her as she climbed, Leon lifted his eyes to the elm tree.
His eyes narrowed, as if he could see a trace of the girl waiting for him.
Then, the words came out of him like a torrent.

” — I believe I was eight when I first met her. At her father’s invitation, I met her during a summer trip. [Chris] was two years younger than me, so she must have been six at the time.”

It roughly corresponded the contents of the dreams.
It was simple exposition, but the scene emerged before my eyes, as if I’d seen the real thing.
No, in a sense, I really had.

“At first, she avoided me, so I avoided her too. I was quite shy. But we were children, so it didn’t take long for us to become friends. And like me, she had few opportunities to play with other children her age.”

“You didn’t have any brothers or sisters?”

“I had two older brothers, but they played around too much.”

Well, it was the world of the aristocracy. Just because they were siblings, it didn’t mean that they’d be able to get along well.

“However, she seemed to consider me her older brother, for some reason. She’d call me ‘Big Brother’, ‘Big Bro’… Might you know anything about that?”

“That’s… it’s just, [Chris] thought of you as family, so of course she called you ‘Big Brother’…”

“Family, is it? I see, she was an only child, so she may have seen things that way.”

“Maybe,”

I responded vaguely. It was pretty much how a kid would think.

“After that, I began to go see her in the summer, and then the winter. There might have been something between our parents, but personally, I looked forward to our meetings. Maybe she did too.”

“She actually did look forward to them, I think.”

‘Think’ was putting it mildly. [Chris] clearly adored him. So much that she declared him family. Make no mistake — she loved Leon like she did her own parents.

“However, that lasted for two years… I found this out after the fact, but it seems that her magical aptitude had been revealed, and I could no longer see her. As for her parents, her six-Attunement aptitude — in other words — ”

“She was the kind of genius you’d never see, not even in a thousand years.”

I dug back up the information I’d learned at the guild today.
From the looks of things, even if I hadn’t gone out of my way to question Arc and Irene about magic, I might’ve been able to ask Leon. Recalling the talk I’d had at the guild, it didn’t seem to be any particular secret.
Maybe it was general knowledge among the upper classes, as such things tended to be.

“Yes. In truth, that talent of hers was unbelievable. When I found out, she was already at the Schola Magorum, it seems… I was never able to meet her after that.”

“The Schola Magorum is in the capital, isn’t it?”

“It is, but the Schola Magorum is a very special institution. Moreover, an individual in possession of all Six Attunements presents a political issue by virtue of their existence alone.”

Meaning there was no seeing her at the drop of a hat, then?
My information on [Chris] ended here. I might have another dream eventually, but the gist of it was, she’d gotten caught up in worthless matters against her wishes, that’s for sure.
The truth is, she, too, grieved over being sent to such a place at the age of eight. In her heart, she earnestly wanted to ask to see Leon. But there were circumstances barring her way, all thanks to that one word: ‘politics’. What those circumstances were, only the person herself knew.
That’s why I made a conscious decision not to touch on the topic.

“After that, I couldn’t see her for a time. In some respects, I was left behind, but… After I reached the age of ten, I also became quite busy. In the end, six years would pass before I saw her again.”

“…That’s a big jump.”

“She had become an excellent magus. Our reunion was unlike the past… it was buried in formality.”

Leon’s narrowed eyes grew grim. As if it were terribly difficult for him to discuss, he was choosing his words carefully.

“…A few days later, she — was involved in an incident.”

— In an incident? What’s the matter? — I didn’t have to ask any of that.
Leon probably had something he regretted. A few days after their first meeting in years, his childhood friend died in an incident. Maybe I was seeing a connection between the two.

“What was it… How did she…?”

Leon looked at me, his eyes pleading.
I couldn’t do anything but shake my head.

“No, I don’t know that much either.”

“Is that so…”

Upon hearing that, Leon sighed in disappointment.
It must have been torturing him this whole time.
Maybe someday, I’d dream again.
At that time, would it be okay to tell him?

“It was a case of magical power running berserk. At least, that’s what I heard. What kind of situation that specifically refers to, I don’t know. It was unprecedented. At any rate, it… consumed her soul.”

“Her soul was — consumed?”

“That’s right. Her contents vanished, so to speak. Her body was warm. Her heart, still beating. But she didn’t move at all. She wouldn’t open her eyes… Is that death, or is it life? It wasn’t clear to me either. However… the Schola Magorum confirmed that her soul had disappeared. ‘A vortex of magical power scattered her soul’, they said.”

I’d certainly seen such cases myself.
God only knew where their souls had gone, but it was common knowledge that head trauma was usually the cause.
Alive, but never to wake up again.
Among those of us in the adventuring business, at least, such people — were considered dead.

“Nevertheless, she wasn’t allowed to die in peace. Her heart was still beating. And from a national standpoint, they had lost an individual that they couldn’t afford to lose. That fact couldn’t be released to the public. She was dead, but placed in a state of limbo they called ‘life’. This — ”

Leon took a breath after his long speech, then spat out the last of it.

” — was ten years ago.”