System Break

I woke as if from a nightmare. It was still dark and Peppin was on watch. She turned when she heard me move.

"You're awake," she said.

The fire was low, so he leaned down and threw on a log.

I stood. "You can sleep, I'll take over."

She peered up at me and her eyes drunk me in. "I'm not tired."

I shook my head. "You will be. Sleep while you can." I pointed to her bedroll.

She sighed and made herself comfortable. I watched her breathing, her core and thought about how she learned her techniques. The protectors didn't use quickbars and didn't have qi sight like me. They had to feel around in the dark. And yet, she had created intricate, almost delicate techniques which were incredibly efficient, because they had to be.

It was hard for me to imagine learning without qi sight, because I always had it. I walked and sat near the perimeter with my legs dangling over a ledge. I deactivated my qi sight and held out my hand. I wanted to learn how to make a barrier like they did. Like everyone else. 

I imagined it and my qi flowed. I gasped. That was amazing. I imagined the honeycomb shape; it was a naturally strong shape but hard to create. My qi moved on its own but the picture in my mind wasn't clear enough and it struggled to form the barrier with precision.

I smiled. It was like the old Chinese man said from my dream. I had to stop pushing my qi, I had to encourage it flow on its own like a kitten chasing a ball of string. And it was my imagination that was the ball of string. 

Sakaala had returned. I sat with my back to her, but I could tell from her breathing that she was awake.

She rolled to her feet and crept over to me. Then she sat down close enough next to me that her shoulders touched my side.

"We should work together," she whispered. "What's past is past."

"Sure," I said.

"I forgive you," she said softly.

"I don't. It was a stupid mistake and should never have happened. It won't happen again."

"Don't be like that," she said. 

I sighed. "You're so smart but you really have no fucking idea."

"Tell me," she said. "How am I supposed to know. I only have my experiences to go by. It's not my fault I was born into this family. Everyone thinks it's a blessing but never consider that it could be a curse."

"No one knows shit until they experience it themselves. I'm not the brightest bulb in the shed but I'm amazed at how dumb people are."

"Then tell me. What don't I have any idea about?"

"To you this is a game, a job or a conquest. If you could never return, would it ruin your life? Have you even experienced a loss so great you wanted to die? I have. A couple of times. The universe was kind enough to remind me. I had a dream tonight, there was no reason for this dream to pop up tonight of all nights. In fact, I don't think I ever had a dream when I logged out before. But tonight I did."

"I dreamt of the night of my accident. When everything I wanted was taken from me for a second time. The first time it was my fault, the second was just an accident. But I would never have joined the army if I hadn't missed out on college, and I would never have been considered or even allowed to join the Qi Worlds Programme if I wasn't a paraplegic."

"They say bad things come in threes. But I say, fuck that - bring your worst because there is no good or bad, there just is."

"What are you talking about?"

"You think I'm an idiot, a simple man for you to manipulate. You think I'm a simple soldier but that is only part of what I am. I was a soldier for a few years, and I learned a lot. But I was in a wheelchair for seven years fighting with my demons. And before that I was alone, a black kid in a world that was set up for him to fail. I am much more than your dumb soldier. Did you ever think there was a reason I could see qi?"

"No. Just blind luck. A quirk of one in a billion. That's why we're searching for another, with 9 billion people on the planet surely there will be more."

"I realised that seeing qi is a crutch, just like the quickbar."

"What?" she said. The surprise in her voice was apparent. "What do you mean?"

"It's not for you," I said.

She scoffed. "Then why did you mention it?" 

I shrugged. "You understand so little. I am only scratching the surface and I know a hundred times what you do. You know this isn't a game. It's a place that we've reached into and brought our technology. It's ironic because the very reason we lost the ability to use qi in our world is because of technology."

"You're speaking nonsense. I never thought you were an idiot, only naïve. But now I think this place is sending you mad."

"I know you set me up tonight. You wanted me to be afraid because you knew my weakness."

"I … I …. No." Her voice quivered.

"At least you thought you knew my weakness. I guess you were right. The only thing I want is to be here, I couldn't give a shit about our old world. I rarely check my stats anymore. To me its not a game and the game system is irrelevant. You thought that if I was threatened with it being taken away and put under your command then … well then I was yours to do what you wanted."

I didn't look at her but out at the dark night sky. "But I learned something, and my dream reminded me. There are no good or bad things that happen, there just is. So do your worst but you should know, what happens to you is a result of what you do."

"Is that a threat?"

I laughed because it was just like the meeting with her father. But it was different at the same time. I wasn't threatening her, I was telling her how the universe works. "No it's a fact."