System Break

I read ancient proverbs then I worked my qi until I was exhausted, I ate and then I slept. Although I barely moved I was starved after the qi workout and a couple of tubes from embarrassing places disposed of my waste into a receptacle inside the robots housing.

The normal day night cycle was ignored, and I worked to the beat of my own drum. I kept my mind focused on the Dao and qi in the real world rather than stress over what was happening in the other one. The forest, Gisael and Dark Bear were all put away in a mental draw because there was nothing I could do. I couldn't think about them yet without depressing myself.

Jia visited often and the doors slid open for the another of these verbal combat sessions. 

"You awake?" she asked.

"I thought you monitored my vitals," I said.

She pursed her lips. "It's easier to ask." She sighed. "We've got major problems."

"I know."

"Do you? It's not just the deaths. The director's gone off grid. We can't contact him, and while I couldn't care less about him - other than the fact  - he's the connect. No director, means no gatekeeper communication, means no more artificial bodies or lumps as you call them."

"Fuck."

"Exactly. So even if Father wanted us back in, we have no way in."

"Didn't you think of this before you ran to your death for you little scheme? You could have just logged out."

She frowned and paced. "I know. I know. But there were bodies available before. The mass deaths chewed through the supply in short order and we've no way to order more. He's got us cornered and exactly where he wants us."

"So we're screwed."

She sighed. "Yes." Then she looked up and smiled weakly. "But you more than me." She waved her hand indicating the estate she lived in and where I was only a guest. "I've got all this. If we can't fix this …"

I laughed dryly. "Is that your way of saying I should have taken you up on your offer? The fact you think like that - is exactly why I didn't. I don't belong here. Never did."

"Here? In this world?"

I laughed again. "No, here on your estate. I'm not so deluded to think I belong in the forest. Sure I'd cut off my left nut to go back, but even that's not an option."

"Would you cut a deal with the director to go back?"

I sucked in a slow, long breath. "Fuck, that's a hard one…" I thought it through. "I would except, I know I couldn't trust him. So no, I wouldn't."

Her lips twisted into a smile. "You're either honest or a brilliant liar. I'll go with honest because I don't think you're that good."

My eyes darkened. "What's the point in playing games? How about you just tell me what you want."

She titled her head and considered me. "Nothing anymore. You're right, you're just a black invalid with little prospects or money. What would I even do with you? You're a fucking charity case."

I laughed dryly. "So harsh, but true."

She peered at me and frowned. She seemed disappointed that she didn't cut me to core with her words. She wanted to hurt me. 

After an awkward silence she turned and walked out. She didn't visit again.

I went back to reading the Dao De Jing. I felt like I was getting somewhere with it. It wasn't a riddle and it wasn't instructions either. Lao Tzu even said that he couldn't explain it with words in the damn book that wasn't even his original words. 

But there was something to be learned by thinking about his words. 

Thus the Sage would not act as if he could act on his will.

He teaches the unspoken teaching.

No word is ever spoken, yet living things thrive.

No ownership is claimed, though Nature begets all creation.

Humility is maintained even as achievement is made

No credit is claimed even as work is done. .

Because no credit is claimed, so no credit is ever lost

Even in these seven lines there was so much to contemplate. The shaman was brought up on this stuff, studied it for decades and I wasn't deluded enough to think I could crack it in a few weeks. Other than working my pitiful amount of qi I had nothing else to do.

A couple more days passed, and my routine was broken with the sounds from Ailen's pod. The hydraulic lid lifted, and he jumped out swearing his head off.

When he calmed down he asked, "What the hell happened?"

"Did Gisael come back?"

He nodded.

I laid back and smiled - she was alive. I really didn't care about much else. 

"Ben," he said in a panic. "Talk to me."

"Read," I said. "I'm sure you have a hundred emails." In my current state there wasn't much I could do but I could cry. It wasn't a cry of sadness – all the worry that I'd blocked out since my lump died escaped its cell. I was elated that she made it through. The stubborn woman probably saved my core and weapons and still escaped the damn Titan.

As Ailen, sorry Gan, read the word fuck escaped his lips at regular intervals. When he finished he gawked at me. His face was ashen and his eyes blank. "We're fucked."

"Yep," I said.

He stood in front of my robot wheelchair and his eyes filled with concern. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'll do what I can." His eyes darted as his mind worked. "Maybe you can take over my body or one of the new ones. It's not your old one but it's a billion times better than nothing."

"Really?" I said. I felt like a pussy because tears welled in my eyes for the second time in minutes.

He smiled but held up a hand. "I can't make any promises we haven't tried this before. We made a plan in case … Don't worry, the engineers have a program ready but untested."

My robot wheelchair lurched forward but not at my command.

"Hey," he said. "Careful."

The robot arms came forward, grabbed him and pinned onto the front bumper bar. "Ben!" he yelled. "Stop, stop it. Let me go."

The robot chair moved forward, and I frantically tried all the commands. Even the emergency shutdown didn't work. I was locked out.

Her stared at me thinking I was attacking him.

"It's not me," I said.

"It's not funny."

The robot kept moving forward until it pressed him against the wall.

I yelled in exasperation, "Gan, jump. Push. Something. I'm locked out." 

A loud sickening crack accompanied his hip bones breaking. "Shit," I cried, and he was in so much pain he couldn't utter a word.

I think he tried to say my name, but the robot kept squeezing him against the wall until it broke him in half. His skin ripped and guts spilled onto the front of the robot. His legs slipped to the ground and then his upper body fell on top of my legs.

His tongue lolled and his eyes bulged a few feet from my face. I was helpless to do anything. I had seen people die. I had killed people with my bare hands, but this was something else. 

He was my friend. Maybe my only friend in the real world and he was murdered in front of me. Shit. Everyone would think it was me.