Tales From the Terran Republic

“Say what now?” the Xvli ambassador to the Harridun hissed.

“I could not believe it either,” the Harridun official said gravely, “but it is true. We uncovered a Xvli trafficker in this very station. They were transporting a Xvli infant in a cage.”

The Xvli snarled, revealing its fangs as a single long and wickedly curved claw extended from his paw-like hand.

“You do understand that I will eviscerate the being involved, correct?”

“Ambassador,” the Harridun said timidly as it twitched the thin, flexible plates covering its round body nervously, “we would deeply appreciate it if you refrained from…”

“Just take me to them.”

“We do have a very robust judicial system. I can assure you that…”

“Now.”

“Ambassador, I must caution you that should you follow through with your statement that there will… Eeee!” the Harridun squealed as it was lifted bodily and firmly pressed against the wall.

“That what?”

“Umm… That we will file a complaint with the embassy?”

“That’s what I thought. Now, please direct me to this trafficker.”

“Hey, boss!” a Xvli agent shouted as it excitedly bounced up, holding a plastic and metal enclosure. “I rescued the kid! Look!”

The Xvli, grinning from ear to ear (very frightening, by the way), offered the enclosure to the ambassador, who burst out laughing as he opened the pet carrier and withdrew a Terran bunny.

“Aww,” the agent said, “It has your eyes.”

“Congratulations,” the ambassador said to the Harridun, “You have managed to annoy the Xvli and enrage the Humans in one fell swoop. I must say that for a people who shy from conflict, you went and outdid yourself this time. I couldn’t help but note that you said that you arrested the human involved. They tend to run in packs. Please tell me that you arrested more than one of them.”

“No?”

The Xvli all started laughing again.

“Allow me to explain the situation before we rapidly depart from this station,” the ambassador chuckled. “This is not a Xvli. This is an animal originally from Terra known as a ‘bunny rabbit’. They are raised as meat and, far more importantly, kept as pets. Are you aware of exactly how ferociously attached a human can be to their companion animal… an animal which you just stole?”

“Oh! Oh, dear…”

“Oh, dear, is perhaps an understatement. Next question, how familiar are you with humans?”

“Not very,” the Harridun replied as cold dread threatened to consume them, “We don’t get humans out this far. I suppose the conflict…”

“How tall was this human?”

“Oh, about as tall as myself.”

The Xvli all facepalmed.

“Evacuate the embassy,” the ambassador said calmly to the agent. “It is time to leave.”

“Three bounces ahead of you, boss!” the agent said as it tore off at a full Xvli sprint.

“What… What’s going on?”

“Allow me to explain the situation,” the ambassador replied, “Not only have you stolen a human’s pet, the human you have detained is a juvenile. You have kidnapped some human or humans’ child. Do you have any idea what’s about to happen?”

“T-They are going to call the police, and we can resolve this whole distressing incident?” the Harridun said hopefully, already knowing that wasn’t the correct answer.

“Oh, the police will definitely get involved. How long have you had the child in custody?”

“Around three hours.”

“Where did you grab them?”

“At a temporary residential facility. I believe you call them ‘hotels’.”

“Call the hotel immediately and…”

“Sir! Sir!” another Harridun exclaimed as they rushed up, “Two humans have gone berserk! They viciously assaulted a temporary residential hall manager and almost killed two security officers!”

“Oh, dear!”

“Hmm,” the Xvli mused, “Almost killed. They just might be some of the reasonable ones. What did they do next?”

“They… The male calmed down the female and said that they should call the…” it paused as it looked at its tablet. “We don’t have a translation for the word. It was Daag… No, Draagg… It was a human word. I think they were headed to a hyperspatial access point.”

The Xvli ambassador winced.

“Dragons?”

“Yes! That was it!”

“Yeah, you’re fucked. I’m out.”

The Xvli started quickly loping away.

“Waaaaiiiiittttt!”

***

“HA!” a well-dressed human said over a video link to the same very distressed Harridun. “This has to be the funniest thing I’ve heard all week. Thank you for this. I really needed a laugh.”

“Can you help us?”

“Oh, God! Guys! Guys! You have to hear this one. Start over from the beginning!”

***

“You have to be kidding me!” Jessica Morgan laughed.

“View it for yourself,” Terrence said as he placed a tablet on her desk. “You would normally not be bothered by such minutiae, but they thought this would amuse you.”

“Oh, it has. Have the Dragons calmed down?”

“Fortunately, they have no presence on that particular backwater. It is also fortunate that they have a sense of humor. I think the Xvli are more annoyed than anyone else. The one thing the Dragons are better at throwing than bombs are memes.”

“I take it that the bunny has been reunited with its person and that nobody was hurt?”

“None of our people were. However, I understand that it’s a very good thing that the Harridun have advanced medical capabilities and are adept at replacing their numerous appendages and plates. The parents were… agitated. No charges are being filed, though.”

“Well, send the Harridun some cash or something and pay off the victims,” Jessica replied. “Also, make sure the Harridun are aware that they are now on the ‘cool’ list. Spread the word.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

***

“We are so, so, so… so sorry!” the Harridun said to the human family, now reunited along with their beloved Terran rabbit.

“If it wasn’t my child you grabbed,” a very scary (even by human standards) man replied, “I would think this was the funniest goddamn thing I had ever heard. And… I guess we’re sorry we didn’t just call the cops first. But, you know, with everything going on…”

“Yes, it was a most unfortunate understanding.”

“Are those little guys going to be okay?”

“Yes. Yes, everyone will survive, and most will make a full recovery. Your leader has been most generous in her compensation as well… Um…”

The Harridun clicked nervously.

“I have also been informed as to the real reason for your visit… um… We understand if you no longer…”

“Nah,” the human smiled. “Business is business, and you can provide certain materials important to both the Dragons and the Forsaken. Besides, if I walk, that just means another house will move in on this deal, and that’s not happening.”

“Oh, good!”

***

Second short tale:

***

“That was fun!” Grace, with a swollen eye, exclaimed as she, Alan, and the still trembling captain all sat around a small table at a cheap starport diner. “I love auctions!”

“As do I,” Alan smiled, “However, this is the first one I attended where an assault occurred.”

“Bah! You just haven’t been to the right auctions!” Grace chuckled as she drank a bitter dark blue liquid that she was becoming very fond of. “You going to be okay, Captain?”

“Y… You… I… I…”

“Give him a minute,” Alan smirked. “I do have to say I am impressed. I didn’t think he had it in him.”

“Me either!” Grace laughed as she rubbed her eye. “Those fuckers are stronger than they look!”

“It’s a shame that the auctioneer stopped recognizing your bids after he ripped the signaling device from your hands.”

“Yeah, we almost had it, too!”

“You almost bankrupted us!!!” the captain whistle-shrieked.

“I almost made us some serious bank!” Grace replied. “That was three pallets of Cha-Slill hardcopy manufacturers and commercial ones, no less!”

“Broken ones!!!” the captain whistled.

“Broken ones with clean Fed 7 thermoplastic housings, titanium rollers, top-of-the-line laser modules, and virgin nylon components. And they probably weren’t even broken!”

“But you were bidding away almost everything we made!”

“And we would have tripled it, easy! And, if what I think is right, we would have made a lot more. They were probably just hard locked.”

“Hard locked?”

“Yeah, It’s an old Federation scam. They sell the hardcopy generators at nearly a loss because they are going to fuck you on the pigments and precursors. When they run out, you have to buy their stuff, and if you don’t, the machine locks down ‘because it can not guarantee the quality of the product’. You can jailbreak the firmware, counterfeit the cartridges, or just buy the overpriced ones from the manufacturer, and presto! One working generator! We could have sold them as reconditioned, you Swifter! Even if they were broken, the salvage would have turned us a tidy profit.”

“Still, it was too much!”

“You gotta spend money to make money, dude!”

“That’s easy for you to say!” the captain whistled angrily, “You don’t have the survival of your entire race on the line!”

“Wait, your entire race?” Alan asked.

“There she is!” a leathery fanged biped with small arms and a short tail exclaimed as he approached.

“Come to gloat, T-Rex?” Grace said as she sipped her klaat.

“That and to render my respect to any being that can take down a human in single combat!” he laughed.

The captain just twitched.

“Apparently, I was bidding too much,” Grace laughed. “So, how many?”

“I fear I do not understand.”

“Don’t give me that T-Rex,” Grace smirked, “How many of those bastards are hard locked.”

“I haven’t had the chance to check them all, only ten or so.”

“How many?”

“Ten out of ten.”

“Goddammit…”

“Don’t feel bad,” the “T-Rex” said. “I had some inside information that strongly implied that was the case. I was fully prepared to bid up to thirty percent of retail if need be.”

“Meh. You would have knocked me out at twenty.”

“I thought that may lessen the discomfort of your injuries,” the mini dinosaur replied. “Since I have taken down the big prey, I may be inclined to clue you in on a most interesting shipment that arrived just yesterday. It was what I was going to obtain should I lose the printers.”

“Do tell…” Grace said with a smile.

***

“Gorn was certainly worth getting to know,” Alan said that evening. “And he wasn’t the only one impressed with our captain. It may have been more valuable than actually getting those hardcopy makers.”

“Mmm-hmm,” Grace muttered, staring at a video display in their room.

“And more than a few of those ship parts he clued us in on are easily repairable. The rest are easily strippable.”

“Yeah…”

“And I’m considering transitioning to female. I’m going to have Beep cut off my penis tomorrow and serve it to the crew for dinner.”

“Great…”

“Would you please stop watching that porn for just one second?!? At least turn the volume down!”

“Look at it!” Grace exclaimed. “Why didn’t I think of that?!?”

“Because you live in the thirty-second century, not the nineteenth?”

“We could totally do this!”

“We could also knap flint and weave baskets. What’s your point?”

“The Terrans are still using this!”

“Are you actually suggesting that we ape those… apes?”

“We have been saying over and over that this ship is way too big, and we should downsize, right?”

“And there is no way the feather dusters will do it. They say this is one of the last things remaining of their race. I had no idea that they were the lastof their kind. How could they fail to mention that?”

“I think they don’t like to talk about it. I know a few OG’s like that,” Grace shrugged, “And the Sol Wars were a pillow fight compared to what those poor guys went through. Alan?”

“Yes?”

“I know we were talking about just doing our time and splitting, but we can’t leave them. These guys are hopeless. They have no idea what they are doing.”

“No surprise there. They only have what managed to get onto this one ship, and over half of their number are kids. It’s no wonder they had to do what they did. It has been their only source of remotely skilled labor if you even can call it that.”

Alan fell silent for a moment.

“So, we remain?”

“Yeah.”

“Very well. We make our home here with this lot. Maybe we can make something of them yet.”

“And this is how we are going to do it!” Grace exclaimed, pointing at a collection of heavy machinery and archaic conveyor belts on the screen.

“What is that, anyway?” Alan asked.

“Money, baby. Pure profit, a scrapper’s dream!”

“I am going to need a little more than that.”

“It’s called a rotary hammer mill… Well… And cutters… and a couple of shaker tables… and… WE COULD TURN THIS PIG INTO A FACTORY SHIP!!!”

“And you are going to have to slow down and start from the beginning,” Alan said with a resigned sigh.

It was going to be a long night.

***

“Are you certain this is your choice?” a woman wearing Wraith grey said to Alan and Grace over a hyperspace link.

“Absolutely,” Alan replied.

“Very well,” the woman said. “You are now entered into the records as Alan and Grace Salvager, and you are affiliated of your own free will and without obligation or duress with the Hunzk Free Traders.