The Cuddle Pact

24

Torn.

In which Sebastian fights a battle with himself.

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MY VISION WAS CLOUDED WITH TEARS and I could barely drive for two seconds without feeling the shattering sensation in my chest. I was sure that I would catch him at his office since he has only left around 5 minutes before Athena broke the news to me.

There was no way to describe how I felt. A heavy sense of dread consumed me and all I could think about was finding out when it was too late.

When he was dead.

The mere thought rendered me breathless. If his family had tried to convince him to accept treatment and failed, I didn't think I had much hope. First came sorrow and anger soon followed in its pursuit. But, I bit my tongue until I passed Rachel, his secretary, and stood at his office door, opening the door with a trembling hand.

He glanced up, his thick eyebrows lowering in sudden concern as he rose from his chair, abandoning the mess of papers on his desk. "Are you okay? What happened?"

Before he could reach me, I closed the door and pressed myself up against it, holding a hand up to stop him from coming any closer. "When were you going to tell me?" my voice shook strongly and I was barely coherent.

Thick, suffocating silence filled the room and his face lost all colour when he took a step backwards and sighed dreadfully. "Mira—."

"When were you going to tell me?" I repeated with a sharper tone, feeling the tears slide down my face like ice shards that sent pain surging throughout my whole body. "And stop the bullshit, Sebastian. I want the whole truth now because you're making it incredibly hard for me."

Steadying himself by sitting on his desk, he dragged a heavy hand down his face and gripped onto his hair tightly before he blew out a breath of vexation. "I'm guessing Mum told you." His eyes rose back to mine and they seemed troubled. "I'm not dying right now, Mira. I am sick, I take medication, but my doctor said if I want to live past my 30th birthday, I have to have an operation. And I decided to refuse treatment because I don't want it."

I sunk my teeth into my bottom lip to prevent the sob that wanted to fall from my lips. "What's wrong with you?"

He seemed detached, speaking to me but not really there—until I broke into tears. "I have heart valve disease. I wasn't joking when I said my heart was broken." His hands reached out to me and I didn't hesitate to decline.

The frown on his face curved downwards even more and his eyes began to fill with tears. My breathing became laboured and I had to calm myself down by taking a seat on the sofa and running my hands through my hair. "I just—I don't understand, Sebastian. Why aren't you taking the operation? Why are you letting yourself die?"

It was then that his reason dawned on me. All roads lead back to Cade. "You're punishing yourself, is that it? You're not taking the treatment because you think you deserve it and it's karma coming to bite you in the ass because of Cade's death." He didn't say anything at all, but his facial expression spoke a thousand words. I stood up and closed the distance between us to cup his face in my hands. "How many times do I have to say it to get it into your head? It's not your fucking fault. You deserve to live a happy life and let go of the guilt you've been carrying."

His hands came around my wrists, removing my hands from his face. "I'm sorry for all this—I was reluctant in being with you because I know I can't make you happy." A deep breath was taken on his part and he touched my forehead with his. "But I'm happy I got the chance to be with you because—."

"Stop talking like that," I demanded desperately. "You do make me happy." I leaned up and connected our lips for a short moment. "I'm at my happiest when I'm with you. You can't tell me you don't see that."

The silence returned and his arms wound around my waist, his sorrowful eyes staring into mine as his lips parted to speak. "I know you're mad, but I want, no need, you to know that I love you. My mind is set and you have to accept it."

A knot formed in my stomach and I felt a new wave of tears coming. How could he say something I had wanted to hear for quite some time and follow it with something that would break my heart even more?

"You don't love me, Sebastian." I disagreed despite my heart wanting me to just accept what he said. "You made me promise that I wouldn't leave you, but you always knew you were going to leave me, and in the worst way. You're being selfish because you let me fall in love with you yet you're making sure we won't have a future together. I'll never forgive myself if I don't at least try to change your mind. Let me change your mind."

He provided me with a forlorn sigh. "I do love you, Mira. You don't have to say it back if you don't love me."

I was utterly confused. "How can you love me when you don't even love yourself?" I stepped out of his embrace. "Have you got no idea on how your decision will affect people? You'll make your family feel like you did when Cade died because knowing they couldn't change your mind will tear them apart for the rest of their lives and I'll begin to hate myself. Avery will grow up without you in her life and she'll think that your love for her wasn't even enough to make you want to live. I can only convince so much, Sebastian. You can't say you love me if you don't even know if you'll be here tomorrow for me to say it back."

His face crumbled and he dug his head in his hands. "Mira, stop. Please."

"No." I snapped angrily. "I'm not losing you. You know how I felt when my mum died, and here you are having a choice to live but choosing not to. I'll never forgive you, Sebastian. If you die, I'll be ruined."

Dark eyes darted to mine. "I'm torn, Mira. I've felt this way for so long. I know what I'm giving up, but every day I've spent with you has me rethinking my decision. If I'm going to live, it's because I want to live not because I have to."

It was cruel using Avery to convince him, but I didn't care at all. "You don't want to see Avery or James grow up? Your death will hurt everyone, but how will Flynn explain to Avery that you're gone and never coming back? You'll fuck her up at such a young age and she'll never be the same."

Anger bubbled inside his honey eyes and he flinched as I had hit him. "Why the fuck do you think I'm taking medication? I'm still alive because of her, but I'm tired of living with Cade's death tormenting me."

My patience had run out as I turned my back on him. "Until you make the right decision, I can't be around you. I'll wait for you, but if I'm not even enough for you to want to live, then I've lost all hope for us."

He was quick to stop me from leaving. "We're not breaking up, Mira. You are enough for me, but I'm scared." His voice was small, fragile even. "For the first time in my life, I'm terrified because what if I take the operation and something goes wrong? I don't want to put myself through that, put my family through that."

My hand squeezed his and I rotated to face him once more. "You can get the best medical care available, and I'll be by your side the entire time. You won't regret it."

He glanced at me soberly before averting his gaze downwards to stare at our joined hands. "I'll think about it."

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I took a clingy girlfriend to a whole other level. It was the next day and the first thing Sebastian experienced was me laying on top of him and hugging him tightly. He didn't say anything, but his hand caressed the top of my head.

"Baby—."

"You don't get to talk to me," I mumbled into his chest, breathing in his scent. "I'm still mad at you, but I'm here because for some reason I still want to be near you."

After dinner service last night, I decided to go back to my own apartment and break the streak of me always staying at Sebastian's place. I spent the entire night talking to Ada, and despite her making me feel ten times better, being back in Sebastian's arms brought it all back.

I couldn't leave him. It was like a bond had formed between us and I thought it was unbreakable until a few hours ago. It made me sick to my stomach that I couldn't even look at him without crying. Even if he did choose to take the operation, it would be a long process for both of us to emotionally heal.

Quite frankly, I was having doubts about our relationship, doubts I hadn't been thinking about before because if he felt it was okay to keep such a big secret from me, then he didn't value me as much as I valued him.

"You deserve someone better than me." He spoke quietly, pressing a gentle hand to my face. "If you want to break up with me, I won't fight with you. It's not much of a relationship anymore if I love you, and you hate me."

I remained silent, feeling the way his heart accelerated in anxiousness.

I love you too.

The sad fact was I wouldn't say it back, not because I didn't love him, but because saying it out loud would make it real and worsen the heartbreak he was planning on giving me.

"I just don't get it." I began, climbing off him to sit back on my heels and look him in the eye. He was still the charming man who changed my world and captured my heart despite me thinking I was incapable of loving anymore. In a sense, his secrecy was a betrayal and I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me since two relationships in a row betrayed me. First Weston cheating and now this. "What would you do if the roles were reversed and I was the one dying?" the thought hurt me just as much as it did him when he winced.

"I would make you see that your life is worth living."

Finally getting my point across, he was beginning to understand me. "You're it for me, Sebastian. You're everything I want in life. I can make you happy. Give us a chance to be truly happy."

His response was stopped by a knock on the door. Tilting my head to look out of his bedroom, I smiled when my plan was being put into place. Rising from the bed, Sebastian reached for his shirt and slipped it on before he headed towards the door with me following.

Pulling the door open, Avery skipped into the room with a bright smile on her face and shrugged her Hello Kitty backpack off. "Hi, Auntie Mira!"

I knelt down in front of her and brought her into a hug as Flynn stood at the door, talking to Sebastian.

"She was crying this morning and said the only thing that would make her happy was if she saw you." Flynn smiled at his brother, directing his hopeful gaze to me when Sebastian turned around and approached Avery.

I stood up and walked over to Flynn, wrapping my arms around him. "Thank you."

He dug his face into my shoulder. "This will work, I know it will." Pulling back he waved at Sebastian and Avery. "Mummy will come and get you in a couple of hours, princess, okay? Be a good girl."

Avery nodded gleefully, latching onto Sebastian as he lifted her into his arms. "I love you, Dad."

Once Flynn left, Sebastian hugged his niece tightly and before I knew it, he was crying into her shoulder. It was only indicated by his shaking shoulders, and she thought he was tickling her at first before she registered my frown.

Her small hands came around his head and her eyes shone with compassion. "What's wrong, Uncle Seb?" she questioned, her eyes beginning to water. "What happened?"

Sebastian inhaled deeply when my hand touched his back and rubbed soothingly. His tear-stained face demonstrated what he was feeling. My words had gotten to him, and I could already see the regret forming in his expression.

"Nothing, princess. I'm just really happy to see you." He pulled it together, mustering up a believable smile as she wiped his tears away.

She slowly grinned and vibrancy captured her azure eye as her brown eye glistened like melted chocolate. "You're my favourite person in the whole wide world—after Mummy and Daddy."

We both chuckled at her statement and they both followed me into the kitchen. I proceeded to take out some ingredients when Sebastian came and stood behind me once Avery went to watch television.

"Will you ever forgive me?" he asked in a whisper, wrapping his arms around me only to experience the way my body stiffened in his embrace.

I'm making him feel worse, aren't I?

He was about to step away from me when I held his arms in place, leaning my head back on his chest. The height difference between us was most evident when he stood behind or next to me. He turned my whole world upside down, and I could feel myself going crazy with each passing second. I wanted to change his mind very quickly because who knew what the future held. He could die tomorrow, and I would never forgive myself if I left things like that between us. He had to see that it didn't matter if I forgave him or not. For him to live a happy life, it didn't matter if I loved him or not. He had to love himself before ever giving his heart to me.

"I'll forgive you when you forgive yourself."

Silence drifted between us for multiple minutes, and he pressed his lips to the back of my head. He was thinking about what I said, and I just hoped that he was beginning to see things the way everyone else did. All that mattered was him living, and not just for the sake of it. I wanted him alive, physically and emotionally. I would make it my life's mission to make him happy every single day because despite being in the early stages of our relationship, I already knew that he was the one for me. No one would come after him because I had envisioned a future with him, a future he was trying to stop before it even happened.

"We could have a bright future together, Sebastian. You said we were never meant to be just friends, but how can we be more if you're so set on not living for as long as you possibly can?"

He listened quietly before he gently spun me around, cupping my face. "That's all I wanted ever since I fell in love with you. I just thought it wouldn't be possible because people like me don't deserve to be loved. But, you're the one for me, Mira. For so long, I didn't let any woman close to me. You're my first girlfriend in five years, I don't know how to love you the way I should, but I do love you, and I don't want you doubting it because of my selfish and fucked up decision."

I could feel the tears coming on again. I had cried more in the last day than I had in 3 months. "You know I feel the same, Sebastian. I just won't say it if it doesn't mean you'll live. You're a good person who does deserve to be loved. I can love you if you give me a proper chance to."

"I've been thinking about this for months and I think I forgive myself." He looked like he was struggling to say what came out of his mouth next as if the words defied everything he believed. "Maybe Cade's death wasn't my fault. He made the decision and it was all poor timing. I don't think I blame myself anymore."

I stared into his eyes, attempting to see the doubt and being pleasantly surprised when I didn't. "Do you believe that?"

He nodded and leaned forward to rest his forehead on mine. "I believe his death torments me because I allow it to. Even if I did manage to change his mind that night, maybe it would've happened later. He was too far gone and I know that now. I can accept it now."

My arms wrapped around his neck and I hugged him with everything in me. It would be a while before he could say that with complete confidence, but if he was deciding to live, I would be there for him every step of the way to help him believe it fully.

I was beginning to understand why he was scared to tell me. He didn't want me to leave, and hell, I was close to, which made me realise that he was trying to run from what happened and give himself a chance to love someone without them knowing about his dark past.

He was selfish, but it was for a reason.