The Flowers Bloom On The Day We Meet

I have a boy inside of me.

I believe I first became aware of this feeling when I was in the upper grades of elementary school. I addressed it to my mother once, but I could tell by her look that she was going to be brought to the hospital, so I immediately changed the subject to a joke. So I understood then that this isn’t a common feeling that everyone appears to experience, and I haven’t told any of my other friends about it, either.

I can’t see his face nor can’t hear what he’s saying. But it’s true that occasionally, but not always, I can feel a presence in my heart or within my chest that isn’t myself. When I consider it rationally, I notice that it is eerie but not frightening. Rather, I have the impression that he is really friendly, kind, and cares about me. But he is lonely, little, and shaking, just like a scared bunny in the corner of a hutch. So, whenever I felt his presence inside of me, I would relish the experience, as if to say, It’s alright here, it’s not terrifying, it’s warm and fun.

I wanted to somehow cheer up that mysterious bunny-like boy inside of me, and I suddenly found myself thinking about how I could warm him up, and that was all I could think about.

“Did you hear that, Aika? I’ve heard that the math teacher who will be teaching us as a part-time teacher starting next week is a total hottie!”

So when my friend Eri approached me at lunchtime, I was sitting in my seat, lost in thought.

“Eh? Ah… I see.”

Eri’s side-tailed black hair swung over the shoulders of her summer dress as I responded without a care in the world.

“You don’t react well at all. You must keep your antennas up and go for it more aggressively.　That’s why you’ll never get a boyfriend.”

“You don’t have one either.”

I laughed in response. True, I believe the seniors in the drama club were also commenting on how cool the new teacher is. But I’m not into that kind of thing. I’d rather be thinking of ways to make the bunny happy.

“Hey, let’s sneak out after school to see him. He’s in the staff room today greeting people and stuff, so let’s wait for him to come out. I think he is also going to be the advisor of the drama club, right?”

“I think so…”

Toyohashi-sensei, the math teacher and drama club adviser, is taking a sabbatical to give birth and raise her child. In the meantime, he was called in to fill in for what seemed to be a handsome teacher who was the buzz of the town among the girls.

“I wonder if I should switch to the drama club. Then, during training, he’d take my hand from behind and give me a personal acting lesson!”

I thought to myself as I glanced at Eri, who hadn’t even seen his face yet but was still crying out aloud in her thoughts, that I would hate it if more girls joined the drama club for such wicked reasons.

After school that day, Eri yanked my arm and we hid behind a corner a few meters from the staff room to witness the teacher of the topic. When we arrived, a few other girls were already there, and I got fed up with the girls’ meek demeanor. I wondered whether the bunny would think I was one of these girls if he came to see me now.

A few seconds later, the door to the staff room slid open, revealing the vice principal, popularly known as “Old Demon” by the students, and a young-looking male teacher. The girls who had been hiding and peeking inside the room burst into cheers. What’s the purpose of hiding if they’re going to speak up? I thought. The vice principal did, indeed, notice me and gave me a scary look.

“Come on, you’re not showing off. Let’s go, let’s go.”

The young teacher smiled warmly and waved to us from behind the vice principal, who shook his hand. The girls’ cheers became louder once again. The vice principal went down the steps, his shoulders dropped as though sighing. The young teacher looked surprised by something, glanced at us for a few seconds, and was then called down the stairs by the vice principal.

Was he looking at me…? No, it’s just my imagination.

“I knew it! He’s so cool!”

The other girls were giggling behind Eri as she talked excitedly. Some of the girls were shrieking, “He was looking at me,” so I guess I was just imagining things. He was tall and young-looking, and his smile was sweet, like that of an idol, but what was there to be so excited about?

Eri furrowed her eyebrows, as though she didn’t like my frivolity.

“You don’t react well at all. Isn’t that right? You’re like a child, Aika, and you’ve never been interested in a boy, have you?”

I was annoyed when I realized I was being made fun of. As a result, I uttered it on the spur of the moment.

“I do, there is someone that I really care about!”

“Eh? Really? I’ve known you for a long time, but this is the first time I’ve heard of such a thing from you. Who is he, what is his name? What’s he like?”

It took a bigger bite out of me than I expected. If I try to be evasive here, I’ll be suspected of making stuff up. I made a muffled sound.

“It’s like… he’s always been really nice to me, but, I don’t know, he’s a little lonely, and I wanted to do something for him…”

I’m not making this up. I could see Eri’s face lightening up with excitement and interest. My face is maybe going red.

“Reeeeally? What’s with the “we’re special” feeling! Are you guys dating?”

“No, we’re not dating, but…”

“I’m already waiting for your confession! It’s lovely, Aika. If such a person exists, you should have told me sooner; we’re friends. So, who is he? Is he from a different school?”

“W-well…”

A faint warmth rushed through my heart as I stammered for an answer.

“The bunny’s here.”

“Eh? What?”

Eri cast a dubious glance at my abrupt mumbling. I rushed to finish the topic.

“Ah, I’ve got to go to the club! Eri, I’ll see you later. Also, you can’t skip the brass band.”

“Eh, you’re dodging the question!”

I hurried down the corridor, smiling and waving at Eri, who puffed out her cheeks. The summer sun was shining brilliantly through the window on the old school building, the fresh greenery in the schoolyard, and the students frolicking after school.

I’m having fun here, I’m happy, so don’t worry, nameless bunny.

What I told Eri was neither a lie nor a fabrication. I always find him floating inside of me, shrinking back in loneliness, and he cared for me more than anything else. I can’t help but wonder how long he’s been like that.

As I glanced out the hallway window at the beautiful scenery outside, I slowed my pace and hummed my favorite tanka poem.

“When we meet, flowers bloom after a jujube pear, clashing with one’s beloved, squirming in waste.”¹ 

I can’t see his face, I can’t hear his voice.

But we’re definitely connected, and it tickles, teases, and warms me in this chest.

Where are you? I want to see you. I want to meet you. I want to see you someday.

It’s so transparent.

It’s too pure.

It was my first love.