Episode 54 – The only thing that can save me from despair is

Without a doubt, I was at the bottom of my life. I was convinced of that.

The abuse that overflows when I swipe my phone’s screen.

[I believed in you. I’m not a fan anymore.]
[Do you enjoy betraying your fans?]
[Scum who make eyes at men.]

There were more spineless words, but these are the only words that get retweeted by all kinds of people on the internet.
Maybe that’s why I see so many of these bad words and accusations.

“Why, why…..!!!”

I was angry at myself for putting herself on the shelf.

How can they only mutter such things?
How can you say whatever you want about such unconfirmed information?

Such anger strikes me.

And that’s when I finally feel a sense of guilt.

“My fault….huh”

How could I be offended by such bad words?

I am not a victim in this case, nor am I a third party.

Undeniably, I am a perpetrator.

It was a bit of a diversion. Shizuku san is also wearing a simple disguise, and I didn’t expect it to be put on the Internet or to be hit so hard.

No, that’s another excuse.
I actually went on the date because I wanted to go out and have fun, even though I knew it was such a risk.
I wanted to be with Shizuku san – I went on a date with her.

“I’m a real asshole. …… I’m a real asshole.”

I must have caused her a lot of trouble, and I have disillusioned her with the character image that Shizuku san had about Kazashiro Rei, and now I have turned her into the next person to be subjected to unjustified name-calling.
I have done nothing wrong, and Shizuku san herself has done nothing wrong, but I have made her suffer because of my thoughtless words and actions.

Perhaps she has heard about it.

I really wanted to die.
I dragged Shizuku san’s feet as much as I could and dragged her into the world with people like me.
The fact that such a person was alive in this world was unforgivable.

I wanted to kill myself for hurting Shizuku san, who had reached out to a fool like myself.

I want to deny it anyway.

The man in the photo with Shizuku san is not her boyfriend, is not qualified to be such a person, and is definitely not a scandal.
Shizuku san has done nothing wrong.

Maybe Shizuku san has a position to take, so I can’t talk back strongly.
She is not at fault herself, but if she directly refutes the issue in person at a time like this, she will agitate her fans even more.

So I wanted to talk back to them myself instead.

I asked them to stop saying bad things about her because …… it’s all my fault

While these unstoppable, yet stagnant thoughts were going round and round, I suddenly changed my mind.

“- now it’s my turn to help her, isn’t it?”

Yes, she’s been helping me all along, so why did I only come up with self-satisfied thoughts like dying when she was in a tight spot?

It’s true that I was the one who got her into this predicament, so it’s not right to say that I would help her.
It is a travesty to talk that way.

But words don’t matter, and details don’t matter.
I don’t even care what I look like now.

Now, I’ll do whatever I can to help her.

“No, I have to do whatever it takes.”

There is no other way.

The way out was already cut off.

＊

“Aaaa”

I did it, I think as I did an ego-tweet on Twitter.

I did this completely.
Shizuku, you are out of the game by one shot.

…… Even though I try to make it funny, it’s still, hard.

“Nagishiro kun, I hope you’re okay. ……”

I Toss the tablet device at random and lie on my back in a large position on the bed.

-It seems to me that Nagishiro kun will blame himself for this incident, although he seemed to have recovered quite well from yesterday’s date.
I hope it doesn’t go back to the way it was before.

“But I mean, how many times have I seen this shot?”

I bring my phone close to me one more time and open a certain photo.
A photo from the tweet that was the basis for the current uproar.

Perhaps it would be an intrusion of portrait rights or something like that.
Something about the office said they would work in that direction.

Still, this picture.
If it wasn’t a picture taken by someone I don’t know, I would definitely save it.

“This girl looks like she’s having fun!”

No, well, it’s me.

I mean, I actually really enjoyed being with Nagishiro kun.

Let me try to recall about yesterday’s events.

First of all, that makeover. That was foul, right?
If he was so cool, I would have been more prepared if he had sent me at least one selfie.
Hmmm.

When we took the plunge and tried the couple’s seat, I was nervous, but Nagishiro kun was even more so.
That was cute~

Then there is Nagishiro kun, a gentleman for nothing.
You’re 100 years too early to treat me to a meal!
I appreciate the gesture, but it’s not nice to be bought a meal by someone younger than me.

Then, and then, and then I remember a lot of things.
Strangely enough, the time that seemed so fleeting at that place yesterday seemed endless if I capture the moment, the memory.
All I have are happy memories. For the first time since I met Nagishiro kun, I feel like I was able to be with the real Nagishiro kun.

“Ahaha. I can’t deny strongly enough what was written on the Internet.”

The girl in the photo.

This is totally in love. In love.

Well, it’s a one-way street no matter how I look at it.
If this looks like a couple, then you’re not looking hard enough.
We see each other in a different light.

The girls look at the boy with the eyes of someone she likes, but the boy look at her with the eyes of a friend.

“That’s just the way it is, you know?”

To say that I betrayed my fans would be a mistake.
I had no intention of betraying them, and in fact, I don’t have a boyfriend.

But I’m sure I’ve made my fans feel bad.

If you make people think that their favorite celebrity was dating behind their backs, then fans won’t be able to keep up with them.

And even if you admit it, but in my case, I have to deny it because I’m not really dating.
So this can only be seen as an attempt to hide it away.

“It can’t be helped, it can’t be helped. ……”

It’s all my fault.

I can’t believe I’m playing with two guys, and twice.

I was just lucky on the previous date. I was simply lucky that I didn’t get my picture taken on the previous date.
If I get carried away with it, it’s because I’m not professional enough, and I don’t deserve to be called out on it.

Can’t help it, but

“Wish I could have done …… a bit more.”

If I could, I would do it a little more, even a little longer.

—I wanted to be a voice actor.

I wanted to continue voice acting and see myself playing such and such a character.
There were several animations I wanted to be in and many people I wanted to work with.

But this time, I’m going to…….

No, don’t give up.

I know my credibility will be ground down because of this and I will not be able to get the job.

I just have to start from scratch again. Again…….
I started from scratch. I can do it.

“….Fuu”

Wiping my tears messily, I think about the future.

Don’t cry, this is no time to cry.

……Don’t cry, me. Don’t cry, me. ……!

“Uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahnnnnnnnn!!!”

I had the feeling that something important mentally had been broken.

That feeling that no matter how much I try to mend it, I can’t fix it, that something in the middle of me has been broken beyond repair.

I wondered if I was done for, and indeed I was.

That time.

Puuun *Sfx

A notification rang from my phone, which was on silent mode.

“……..What is it?’

Both Line and Twitter notifications should have been turned off.

I generally turn off all other notifications all the time.

I picked up my phone, wondering about the timing of the notification, which didn’t quite ring a bell.

Then I saw the notice and remembered.

YouTube notifications. This is the only channel in which I was notified when there was any movement.

[Kazashiro Rei will stream in two hours.]

It was the channel of my favorite person, who had nothing for the past month.