The Greatest Secret Agent of All Time

Chapter 28: When the Autumn Wind and Dewdrops Meet by Chance! Elixir

Translator: Nyoi-Bo Studio

Editor: Nyoi-Bo Studio

Jing Wubian was astonished as he watched the performance put on by Yun Zhonghe.

His steps of an overlord were truly overwhelming, filled with talent and brilliance. It made people want to kill him after watching it.

Yun Zhonghe said, “Do you want to learn it? I can teach you!” (Extracted from the film “Kung Fu”)*

“The trick to it is very simple. You just have to pretend that you weigh a pound and a half, so heavy that you have to spread both legs wide apart to walk, or else you will be squeezing your balls. And because you are so full of heroic and majestic power, you will not be able to suppress that sense of pride that is rising from deep within your heart. Then, your steps of an overlord will be considered a success,” Yung Zhonghe said.

“Just like this?” Jing Wubian asked.

Following Yun Zhonghe’s guidance, Jing Wubian re-traced his steps of an overlord with Yun Zhonghe singing at the side to provide some musical accompaniment.

After the walk, Jing Wubian did feel as though his steps were much more impressive.

Yun Zhonghe said, “Yes, yes, yes. You’ve mastered the divine rhythm.”

Jing Wubian laughed heartily and said, “Hahaha, listening to the words of a gentleman really beats a decade spent on reading books.”

“What you said is not impressive enough. You should say, listening to the obscenities of a gentleman really beats a decade spent on pretending to be awesome,” Yun Zhonghe said.

But at that point in time, Jing Wubian really could not hold back any longer and headed to the bathroom at the back of the hall.

“Are you going to the restroom? Shall we go together?” Yun Zhonghe asked.

Jing Wubian said in a cold voice, “You’re really sticking your nose up in the air. I have only just shown you a bit of kindness, and yet you are getting insolent and overstepping that boundary? What status do I hold? I’m the son of a lord. What status do you hold? The son of a beggar, a person like a nasty bug. And you think are worthy enough of going to the restroom with me?”

“But…” Jing Wubian said, “Because you made me laugh half the night tonight, let’s go together.”

“That’s simply great.” Yun Zhonghe said, “I’m not afraid to tell you that honestly, the moment the tiger pounced on me just now, I was already halfway done. So now, we’re going to go finish up by relieving ourselves of the other half to clear our kidneys.”

Then, the two men walked towards the bathroom, one after the other.

All the people around them were dumbstruck.

I… Holy sh*t!

Where was this?

What just happened?

Hadn’t Master brought that beggar there to chop him up into pieces and feed him to the tiger?

How could they actually be going to the bathroom together now?

What would mere mortals like you all know? This was a world of mental illness where only those that are psychopaths would understand.

As for worrying about Jing Wubian’s safety?

Why with Yun Zhonghe’s feeble strength?

***

The bathroom of the residence of the castellan was also just as splendid and majestic. And it was even more conducive for one to achieve self-release there.

Jing Wubian suddenly said, “I don’t know why, but the first time I saw you, I found that you felt a little familiar.”

How could he not be familiar? This was one psychopath meeting with another psychopath.

Yun Zhonghe said, “The feeling is mutual for me, too. This line of yours sounds a little familiar, but it’s not classy enough.”

Jing Wubian said, “Then how should I put it?”

Yun Zhonghe said, “Use a more literary and elegant version. This one, your little brother, I have seen before.” (Adapted from the novel “Dream of the Red Chamber”)*

“This one is not good, it’s too ambiguous,” Jing Wubian responded.

“There is another version that is more coquettish,” Yun Zhonghe said.

“Let’s hear it.”

“A heart-wrenching song I sing, to the ends of the vast world, I’m in search of a place where I find my soulmate,” Yun Zhonghe replied. (For the third time)*

Jing Wubian cast a glance toward him and said, “Speaking with such nice words, are you a man of culture? What’s your level of education?”

Yun Zhonghe said, “I’ve had initiation in early childhood but dropped out after three months.”

If translated into Earthling lingo, it was like dropping out of kindergarten.

Jing Wubian said contemptuously, “Only a toddler, but a dropout just after initiation into school? That’s too low, simply lacking in both learning and practical ability.”

Then Yun Zhonghe went on to say, “What about you? What credentials do you have?”

Jing Wubian said expressionlessly, “You win.”

Crap, it so happened that I have not even attended Childhood Initiation, Jing Wubian thought.

Immediately after that, Yun Zhonghe suddenly shifted his gaze to Jing Wubian.

Jing Wubian turned sideways and said indifferently, “I’m not interested in men.”

Yun Zhonghe was looking at his wrist, which had several wounds that were very deep. The latest of which was not even healed yet.

He had attempted suicide more than once, but why? It was just urethritis and prostatitis. It was not that bad.

Jing Wubian pulled down his sleeve to hide the wounds and said with an apathetic tone, “Yun AoTian, don’t ever give me hope and then throw me into despair. If you really cure me, then you are my benefactor. We make such an insanely good match for each other, so I really, really don’t want to kill you.”

However, Yun Zhonghe was sighing in his heart.

He sighed because Jing Wubian was excreting dark brown bloody urine. It was also noticeable that he had puffy eyelids, and even his hands were a little swollen.

A relatively bad situation had occurred. He had already contracted acute nephritis, and he could only hope that there would not be any other complications that arose from it.

Otherwise, he would die.

***

After returning to the hall!

A handsome little Taoist priest suddenly said, “Beggar, there is no deadline written on this warrant of military order. How long do you think you will need to cure Master of the disease?”

This was the disciple of Blue Immortal. Blue Immortal had kept silent until just then.

Now he had seen that Jing Wubian and Yun Zhonghe had actually hit it off, so he just had to step forward.

Of course, Blue Immortal was a big shot, so he couldn’t step forward personally. Thus, his disciple had stepped forward on his behalf.

Hearing his disciple’s words, Blue Immortal and Lady Cold Jade looked at each other.

They had not been bothered when Jing Wubian had wanted to kill Yun Zhonghe.

Now, there was no way they could turn a blind eye anymore. One lunatic in the residence of the castellan was enough. They could not allow another lunatic in.

If Jing Wubian did not kill him, then it was up to them to find a way to kill him.

No one in the entire residence of the castellan could get close to Jing Wubian. He, the Blue Immortal, was going to monopolize all of Master Jing Wubian’s good humor.

Whoever tried to snatch an intimate relationship with Jing Wubian from him would have to die!

Blue Immortal’s disciple said, “Beggar, do state a deadline. Once a deadline is up, and you are still unable to cure Master, you will be executed.”

“Half a month,” Lady Cold Jade said. “Half a month should be enough for you to refine the pill. Within this half month, you can ask us for any ingredients that you need.”

“But, if you are unable to cure our Master within half a month, I’ll kill you myself!”

That said, Lady Cold Jade left.

D*mn, women were always saying one thing but doing another. Just earlier, she had said she was not angry, but now, even her tights were close to ripping.

***

And just like that, Yun Zhonghe settled down in the residence of the castellan and began his career in the refinement of pills.

In the beginning, Jing Wubian had put on airs and did not come to look for Yun Zhonghe. But gradually, he became unable to help himself and came to look for the latter every day.

How should one describe the relationship between Jing Wubian and Yun Zhonghe?

Was it really a fact that a chance meeting between the autumn wind and the dewdrops beat the countless lasting affections between mortal couples who had been in love for a long time?

Wrong, wrong!

This was not Brokeback Mountain.

The had become as firmly attached to each other as glue and lacquer, and were now an inseparable pair?

Not right, either!

Still, it could only be described with that phrase: xxxx, xxxxxxx. (For the fourth time)*

In short, after Yun Zhonghe came, Jing Wubian was much, much happier, and laughed much more often. Also, he rarely chastised or killed people anymore.

The two of them were becoming more and more attuned to each other. In the beginning, Jing Wubian was still putting on the airs of a young master of the residence of the castellan. But as the time they spent having fun together increased, he gradually forgot about it.

For some reason, Yun Zhonghe’s words could always make him happy.

It was really like how psychotic children were so full of joy. Even if it was a brainless and dumb game, the two of them could play it with great interest and relish.

What was for sure was that Jing Wubian’s Intelligence Quotient (also known as IQ) was quite high. He could even be considered intelligent.

However, he did have a mental illness, manic condition, and a certain degree of depression and schizophrenia.

Because when he was enjoying himself during play and was laughing heartily, he might then suddenly start to cry aloud.

When he was in the midst of a conversation and was bubbling over with enthusiasm, he would suddenly not say a word and then sit there stunned and motionless.

Because he was so neurotic that no one could possibly know what he was thinking about and what he really wanted.

But Yun Zhonghe could tell what he was thinking and what he wanted with just one glance.

In this world, it was true that it took one psychopath to understand another.

But after spending a few days in the residence of the castellan, Yun Zhonghe discovered that Jing Wubian’s status was not high at all. It was actually very low.

All the servants were scared of him, but they also looked down on him and completely shunned him as if he was a snake or scorpion.

Though incomparably overbearing and arrogant, Jing Wubian was someone who had been completely abandoned.

He could not have his own children, but… Actually, there were not even many who cared.

Because he was a neurotic lunatic. What if he gave birth to another lunatic?

Other than his mother, Madam Torn Gust, whose yearning for a grandson was really beyond compare.

As for the castellan, Jing Zhongyue, she hadn’t shown her face.

He had openly professed that he wanted to seize back the position of the castellan, so everyone in the entire residence of the castellan did not dare to get close to him out of the fear that Jing Zhongyue might misunderstand them.

Therefore, the ones surrounding Jing Wubian were just some scumbags and liars.

Just as he himself had said, these people were out to cheat him of his money and wealth, and in their hearts, they called him an idiot.

Because he often chastised people in the City of Torn Gust, he had been placed in solitary confinement and could not take a single step out of the residence of the castellan or half a step out of his western courtyard.

Jing Zhongyue’s orders were very clear. Chastise people as you please in the west courtyard, but you are absolutely not allowed to get involved in any matters outside.

In a way, the west courtyard was also considered a magnificent prison for Jing Wubian.

As the two of them became closer and closer, Jing Wubian practically spent every single day in Yun Zhonghe’s little courtyard, meant for refining pills.

Because Jing Wubian was extremely curious.

Yun Zhonghe was actually using rotten watermelon to refine pills. It was simply too bizarre.

Everyone was astonished. When refining pills, the other charlatans used lead, mercury, and all kinds of strange and weird materials.

But this beggar, Yun AoTian, was actually going to use rotten watermelons. It was a few tens of thousands of pounds of rotten watermelons, at that. This was really strange. It was merely a great big joke.

The rotten watermelons in the residence of the castellan were piled up like mountains, and the stench they gave off was overwhelmingly awful.

Yun AoTian, this lunatic, had become the laughingstock of everyone.

The entire residence of the castellan did not hold much hope for Yun AoTian. They were just waiting for the half-month deadline to arrive, and then, Lady Cold Jade would kill him.

Even Jing Wubian himself did not hold any hope anymore. He just felt that it was fun, and he was very curious as to what kind of bullsh*t pill Yun Zhonghe would end up refining.

That was why, these days, Yun Zhonghe had been staying in his little courtyard to refine the pills. And as for the supplies he requested, the residence of the castellan did not refuse anything. They provided all he asked for.

But no one was willing to help. Because in their eyes, Yun Zhonghe was a man doomed to die.

Jing Wubian, on the other hand, came every day. However, he was always creating trouble with his clumsy nature rather than providing any help.

But he did feel very at ease there. He was carefree, and no one took him for a lunatic.

The small courtyard became a playground for those two lunatics. All the smart people were outside, and smart people would never hang out with lunatics.

These two psychotic children were getting more jovial and cheerful and growing closer to each other.

The Blue Immortal’s eyes grew colder and colder, but he did not make any move to attack.

Because when the half month deadline was up, if Yun Zhonghe failed to cure Jing Wubian, it would be perfectly justifiable for him to get rid of Yun Zhonghe.

As for whether this Yun AoTian could cure Jing Wubian or not?

Wasn’t this all a joke?

Refining a pill with rotten watermelon?

Even though a handful of imperial physicians from several empires could not cure Jing Wubian, would the beggar, Yun AoTian’s, rotten watermelon pills cure him?

That wasn’t possible, even if the sun were to rise in the west.

***

Crazy busy yet happy times passed, day by day.

Surprisingly, Jing Wubian and Yun Zhonghe were like brothers. And at that point in time, this psychopath had lost all the airs of a young master of the residence of a castellan.

But…

Suddenly, there was one day when Jing Wubian never came again.

Because his condition suddenly, and drastically, got more serious.

Severe urethritis, prostatitis, and acute nephritis.

Not only did he have frequent urination and dysuria, but he also had blood in his urine often, which then became pus-filled, and his lymph nodes were extremely swollen.

A pain that was truly unbearable.

His infertility was also caused by severe prostatitis, which directly led to massive necrosis of his sperm, so how could he have any children?

“Ah… Ah… Ah…”

In the middle of the night, Jing Wubian was heard screaming frantically.

For he was bleeding pus again.

Then, he picked up his sword and hacked and slashed at everything he saw in a frenzied manner.

At that time, the people in the residence would treat him like an angry ghost and desperately flee to hide from him.

Though this Jing Wubian was the original young master of the City of Torn Gust, he was like a plague in the eyes of the people.

Soon he would not be able to hack at people anymore as complications from acute nephritis had appeared. It had spread to his brain, as well as his respiratory system.

These complications were all fatal.

All he could do was lie in bed without moving a single muscle.

Acute nephritis and its complications. No one in this world knew what kind of sickness it was.

His body was deteriorating with each passing day.

Jing Wubian’s immune system was just too weak, so it was completely vulnerable. Ordinarily, it should not have been as bad.

Over the last few days, there was an increasing number of doctors entering the residence of the castellan, but every single one of them was at their wits’ end.

The atmosphere was getting more and more oppressive and bizarre.

Lady Cold Jade’s expression was getting colder and colder, even to the point of looking ruthless and tyrannical.

Jing Wubian… was dying.

His mother, Lady Torn Gust, had fainted from crying.

*Author’s notes.