The Heart of Gaia

Dark, Blank, Empty, Void...

I sauntered deeper into it each time.

Lost in thought as I wandered the vast deserted plains that was once my mind, the sole being that holed within it had left.

With it something that I can't properly describe, the once eerie looming presence had now been a companion to me ever since I laid my curious eyes upon it.

Like a man with no shadow, the moon with no sun, day without night; unnatural.

"Odd."

I muttered to myself as I sat in the middle of the darkness, in which was lonely. No! Lonely doesn't comprehend what I felt, it was more of an unnerved feeling.

Like the feeling of coming home to the sight of a missing familiar object that never left it's place, but is now gone.

"Is it really gone? Not because you don't see it, doesn't mean it's not there anymore son."

The reminiscence of his words echoed throughout my mind, at that time I took care of an injured bird.

To be honest when it died as it succumbed to it's mortal wounds, he told me that very sentence. Whose meaning I couldn't fathom with my innocent and under-developed mind at the time.

I wonder what he said meant?

I could feel it's very essence still observing me from within as I gazed into the depths of the shroud. It was still here, I knew. Although I couldn't see it presently, I sense it's entity somewhere inside the confines of my own mind.

"No."

I rose from the stone cold floor as I rubbed my morning face coupled with horrid disheveled hair.

Within a few moments I realized that my desperation for stimulation and interaction was causing me to find solace from the entity.

My dreams ever since it left had always been senseless, with me just floating the sempiternal abyss called my consciousness.

Each time it left me feeling empty, lost, confused...

It had been a month ever since Commander Rhys left me here. My cage was surrounded by imprisoned, unhinged and sinful men.

"Oi! Warden! where are ya?!"

"Let me out! Let me out!"

My mind was restless, never than before, my own thoughts weren't quiet, same as the criminals that stood in the same situation as me and were claiming themselves innocent.

"Hey!"

I shouted as I pressed my face towards the metal bars.

"What?!" A man replied.

Then I realized, what right did I have to silence those that had sinned.

"I'm no better than any of you..." I muttered to myself.

"WHAT?! ANSWER ME!" He said.

I ignored it.

What followed was the resurfacing deaths of thousands came bursting through my mind, each voice, face, life. They're all dead because of me, what I couldn't comprehend was how could I remember every single one of them.

*Bang*

I just want to be free, feel the warmth of the sunshine against my weary skin. The reassurance that I'm still alive. The numbness of my own senses was too prevalent that the stone-cold floor felt like nothing against my pale skin.

Commander Rhys left me here.

"You'll be staying here for a while."

"What? why?!" I questioned.

"The people won't calm down, even with my status I can't expect them to forgive you."

That's what he said, judging from those words I didn't expect I'd be free soon. I needed to get out...

"Hello, prophet."

A voice disturbed my thoughts.

It came from the far right which enticed my curiosity, "Prophet?" It had resounded a few paces from afar; deeper within the dimly lit halls.

"How are you?"

"I'm doing fine prophet."

"That's good. How is your urges?"

"Better than before, I've felt much calmer this past few days."

"The daily prayers shall heal you, Gaia will uphold those that are loyal to her."

"Now raise your hand as I pray for you."

What followed was gibberish, a sort of language if you will and I couldn't understand a single word from it.

Patiently, I stood my position while I heard the lowly footsteps that echoed through the prison chambers.

What came to sight was a small man in white robes, his exposed gray and olden hair made it clear that his age is older than it seemed. Protruding out on both his temples were filed horns that complemented his maroon colored skin which hinted at his impish-like features.

As he strolled onwards while I stared at him with awe, "what was he?"

"Dead." he abruptly said.

He returned my rude gaze with squinted piercing eyes.

I remained silent.

"Those eyes of yours, quite similar to that of a corpse."

"Eyes shrouded in deep abyss, I've seen those kind before. Usually those who owned them have done horrible sins and thought that exchanging their life would be the answer." He continued.

Who was this man, he stared at me intently and blabbered on as if he knew of my very existence.

"I despised them, they're cowards." As his eyes lingered against mine.

I didn't like his eyes. I shrugged away from him as I sat idly in the middle of my cell, back turned against him.

"You're quite young aren't you?"

He questioned, although I had no intentions of returning it. It felt as though he was criticizing my very being as he looked upon me.

I was already critical of my self, I didn't need anymore from an old man.

"It was nice talking to you young man, I'll be off then."

As he left, I kept to myself again. Spending the day wasting and rotting away in this cage. I felt more of an animal with each growing day.

I scratched my messy head, soon dandruff fell like snow. Lice infested my head as I saw them piled underneath my nail, all lifeless from the constant scratching I had done.

*Clang*

The sound, It was a constant reminder of a daily routine I had.

"Food is here." The knight said.

It slid underneath the metal bars. I stared at it for a couple of moments, the enticing buttery gloss that the bread had was mesmerizing.

To it's right was a simple yet utterly bitter-sweet dish.

*Growl*

I heard my stomach grumble in hunger as I still wasn't able to eat properly the past few days, with a few exclusion of simple nibbles from it here and there.

Each time I ate it only felt like hell, I kept regurgitating the amounts of food I always tried to ingest.

But maybe this time I might be able to eat.

"Maybe..."

After I grabbed the metal spoon, I extended it towards the gorgeous dish they paired the bread with.

My hand was trembling, I couldn't force myself to do it.

"Father..."

My eyes were starting to well up with emotions as I constantly stared at it.

"Beef stew..."

It was his favorite, the mixture of vegetables and thick brown broth that we always shared back at Yorkburgen.

My hand felt weak as I dropped the silverware onto the floor. Soon my pesky companions were also enticed by it's savory aroma.

"No!"

As I swung my hand to those that neared the sacred dish. Out of desperation I took and cradled it with my arm.

"You goin' crazy now?"

I heard the Commander's voice. He stood in front of my cell.

As I remained silent while completely overwhelmed by emotion.

"Beef stew huh?"

My eyes quickly rolled over to him as he caught my attention.

"It was his favorite, no doubt he'd still cook that."

"We-we always had this, whenever we had the chance." I relied meekly.

"Back then..."

*Sigh*

He took a deep breath as he paused in the middle of his sentence.

"He made that for everyone after training." He continued.

"We got sick and tired of it because that's the only thing he knew how to make."

As he bursted into a forced laughter. I could tell he only did so to cover up his emotional state.

I stared at him as I saw him feeling a bit sentimental about the distant past... I wonder what was he like back then.

It seemed like he had touched a lot of lives.

"Can I ask?"

"What is it?"

"What was he like?"

"A stubborn old man that forced his life principles onto others."

Well, that seems to be like him.

"So stubborn that he saved mine..."

"My father, saved him?" I thought.

I watched him, as he lost himself in his own thoughts.

"A story for another time, anyways..."

"I came to say that you'll be free soon, but don't expect anything to be better. If you prove yourself they'll slowly trust you."

I nodded, I didn't know what to feel. Was I suppose to be happy? at the thought of my freedom? but wouldn't it better for me to stay here.

What was the point of making them trust me, I don't have the courage to make that selfish decision. I was beginning to feel the burden of this option.

As I saw him slowly treading away, there was something that tugged at my heart that I wanted to know.

"Wait!"

He took a pause and turned towards me.

"What is it now?" He questioned.

"Did he really care for me?"

With all the truth that I've learned, I only came to the conclusion that maybe he only pretended to be like what he was. That maybe he just was doing it out of guilt and hate. Maybe that he hoped that one day his son Knoxx abbot will bring justice against the Empire or maybe even it was just him trying to run away from his past.

There was so much possibilities that I didn't know what to do, I only felt like disappearing from the world. My name was born from a great pretender, Knoxx abbot, was only Knoxx or apparently nothing. Who am I?

Was I from a long bloodline of powerful mages? A soon to be titled rebel? Survivor of a war? A runaway fugitive? Son of a lowborn man? or was I nothing? What was I?

I stared at him with hopeful eyes that maybe what he would answer could help me come to a conclusion.

"Remember when I told you that I met him a few years back?"

"Right when we headed back to his shoddy looking home, he presented me a child."

"He held you with so much care that it was hard to believe... Hard to believe that he was once the same stern and stubborn old man I once knew."

"It was the first time I've seen him smile like that."

At the end of his sentence, it struck me hard. So hard that I couldn't stop the tears from flowing as I wore an astonished face.

"If I were you, At least take care of yourself maybe just for his sake."

As his fleeting footsteps went away, I felt a sort of resolve. I knew that if he saw me like this he would be worried and disappointed.

Then everything that we went through was something that I could hold onto, a sense of belonging, that it wasn't a ruse or a complete joke. Maybe this was what he really meant.

"Not because he's not here, doesn't mean he's actually gone."

For his memory and sake, I'll try living much more than I can. I'll prove to himself that I can do it. Even without him here, I wouldn't dare disgrace him ever again.

"I'll do it for you..." I muttered to myself.

As I closed my wet eyes and grasped my chest, contemplating this newfound courage.

The warm bowl of beef stew felt comforting as it heated my arms. Without any further delay I took the fallen silverware and dug a spoonful from it.

For a moment, I hesitated. "What if I just waste it?" I questioned myself.

There was only one way to find out...

Soon I found myself at a momentary state of pleasure, as I chewed into the soft texture of the beef and the chunky pieces of vegetable that melted into my mouth. The thick but flavorful broth brought forth a whole new level of ecstasy.

Tears kept rolling as I felt the guilt I carried was slowly being absolved with each gulp and swallow. It felt as though a divine intervention had came and reminded me of fortunate memories with my father.

"It tastes just like yesterday." I swooned with joy.