The picturesque rice cakes are delicious today

... think about it and get a little self-loathing. It's kind of selfish of you to say that you're more caught up with your teacher than you are with the world.

No matter what the teacher does, I'm hopeless that he won't come back. As someone who loves [painted mochi], I don't have enough training. Hmm.

... I don't know what to do with my heart, which is against my beliefs. Maybe that's the way it is.

"Oh, Togo, I'm not feeling well."

"... do you see that?"

"Yeah, I see it. I see it."

Then, a little while later, Ishino-kai-san came. He came to see my painting. [M]

"... I was able to paint a picture of the world, but after all, it was a little empty"

Maybe it's burnout syndrome after drawing. You suddenly see reality. That's how it feels.

I feel terribly cold and lonely. I was so obsessed with it, and I worked so hard. I can't believe this is the mood when it's over.

I tried to paint the world of my favorite fantasy, but the teacher won't come back anymore.

The reality is cold, after all, and there's still not enough to fill the empty hole. "I'm sure the last thing I need is my own convincing, and I'm sure it'll take a long time to get it..."

"... well, that's right."

When I thought about it, Ishinokai nodded and said...

"Even if there is a convenient world that saves our hearts, our situation will not actually improve. Fantasy saves my heart, but it doesn't save me much else."

... yes.

That's why I think there are people who hate fantasy. Especially for those who don't need the salvation of their hearts, fantasy may be more evil.

"... there's nothing I can do about reality."

"... yes"

In the end, that's what happened.

Reality can't be helped. Convenient happy endings do not exist in this world. All the bad things that have happened are piled up and irreversible.

... that's why I think there's a fantasy.

I think we need a convenient happy ending to live in this helpless world...

"Well, if I were to give it to you, this would be it."

When I sank into my mind, Ishino-kai took out the recorder. He's about twice the size of the recorder I know. He's called the Tenor Recorder. Instead of having the high-pitched sound of a soprano recorder, it has a slightly lower, calmer sound.

... then Ishinokai began to make music.

It's a sad song.

The sad, loose melody played by a single recorder was beautiful, and it felt like it was piercing through.

I'm not familiar with music, so I don't know much about it. [M] But... it looks like a band-aid was applied to a painful wound. Looks like he hit the ice on the burn. That's what it feels like. Maybe it's a feeling of being healed.

... and when she applauds Ishinokai for finishing playing a song that is not that long, Ishinokai bows down. This kind of technique is a bit teacher-like.

"How about that, Togo-kun?" Did this song stick to your heart? "

"Yes. Somehow... um, I wonder." It was a song that fits my mood right now. "

Maybe not only the song, but also the technique of the performance. Together, they suited my mood.

When I answered that question, Ishinokai smiled and sat down in a chair nearby. I somehow sit on it. [M] Well, there were no chairs nearby, so it was fine on cardboard.

"Human beings are strange things." Sometimes it doesn't seem very effective to listen to fun music to feel sad and bright. ”

"... what is that?"

"Yeah, that kind of thing, apparently."

It felt a bit strange. "Well, when you want to have fun, fun music doesn't work..."

"So, Togo-kun." When it's sad, a sad song is good. "

Then Ishinokai said so and showed me the recorder.

"When it's sad, it's faster to get back on your feet than to listen to sad songs."... that's interesting, isn't it? "

With that said, Ishinokai-san blows the recorder. It was a line of slightly darkening noises. It might be called a short tone.

"Well, I think that one aspect of art is that it heals people by leaning against their hearts." Yeah. Well, that kind of thing... "

Ishino-san took the recorder out of his mouth and said with a smile.

"If you're sad right now, Togo-kun." I don't think you need to forcefully draw a fun picture. "

...... on my way home, I'm dumbfounded.

When you're sad, you don't have to draw fun pictures.

I was wondering if I needed paintings to have fun when I was sad... but I don't think so.

Sad picture. Sad picture... But what kind of a sad painting is that? How do I draw sadness?

Hmm... [Sad, sad...] I'm going home at a slow pace.

... I wonder if I'll be in a sad mood all night today.

Then I go home, get ready for school tomorrow, and go to bed early.

... in bed is a good place to think. In a dark room, lying on the bed and wearing a blanket, it seems to be part of my nature to think a lot even if I don't want to.

So, even if you want to feel somehow sad, getting in bed is effective. I think quickly. [M]

I drew a pleasant world. [M] That wonderful world created by your teacher. It's not that there are no sad things at all, but there are very few. It's like you can always have a laugh with everyone.

... that's why I don't feel well right now. It may have been impossible to paint a bright world with dark feelings.

But what kind of painting should I draw? "What kind of painting is a sad painting..."

... I think I have some [sad] ingredients. Feelings. Situation. I can't help it, I'm sad. That's for sure. So, if you analyze this, you may have some good ideas.

If so, I will quickly analyze my feelings.

Um... I'm sad right now because I don't have a teacher. Then, wherever you draw, it's the mochi that you paint, and it's here without changing the reality. Maybe because I knew a little about the helplessness of the painting... or maybe because I finished painting it.

It may have been a sad thing for me to complete that world.

The story has to end someday, but maybe it's a little sad. Well, maybe it's a burnout syndrome.

... yeah. Maybe the "sad" in me is like this.

I wonder if the world that I enjoyed is over, but the reality is still here, and I feel like I'm left alone in that sadness.

It's hard to put into words. I would be able to analyze my mood better if I were a teacher, but unfortunately I'm not good at this. [M] That's why I have to paint.

I got out of bed and headed for the study desk. [M] In a room where no lights are turned on, only the lights on the desk are pale and bright. The refreshing air soaks into the pyjamas. The hand on the desk is getting hot and cold.

... this is how I feel, I think. Such a cold, lonely face is perfect for me now.

In the cold and dim, I prepare paper and pencils. Moving the pencil through the paper, feeling the coolness and hardness of the desk.

... I'm going to paint me now. After painting, I closed my sketchbook and said, "Oh, it's over."

I don't think drawing will change anything, but, well... I'm in the mood.

Place the mirror next to yourself and draw for 2 hours while looking at it. I was able to paint abruptly. The painting, made of only black and white pencils and paper, is dim and cold, as it is now.

... that world, that book, that continuation. If there's one, this painting. Sadly.

For me, this is how the "story" ends when I am conscious of the boundary between reality and dream. That's my mood right now, even if it's real...

"... I know, I miss you so much"

Wretched. What kind of painting have you ever painted?

Reality is reality, dreams are dreams. The limits of fantasy are here. Whatever I paint, it's just a picture, and the world doesn't change, nor does reality change...

... Still.

Still, I think the meaning of this painting was there.

When I traced my sadness, the outline became a little clearer. When I was eating sadness, I started to see the difference in taste.

... that's right. That's right. Because for me, painting is my voice.

Lyla was right. I'm painting and I'm speaking out.

Your heart, which you don't even know about, is gradually getting known by being painted.

This was not a bad feeling. It's too sad, but I want to dig deeper into that sadness. You want to dig deeper into grief?

It was an act of self-injury, but sure enough, the sad painting seemed to snuggle up with sadness.

Perhaps painting a more sad picture will bring more sadness to my heart.

Look at the painting. Then, step by step, you can see the bottom of my sadness.

I know this is real. I know. Because I know, I want to immerse myself in a convenient picture space. Even when you know it's just a fantasy. Even if you know it's empty. Still.

... I may have been able to see clearly what I wanted for the first time in the form of grief.

"I wish it hadn't been like this" and "I wish it hadn't been like this" started to sprout in my head.

Take out a piece of copying paper for roughing.

... Fantasy is about overcoming reality. Convenient delusions save us. No matter how convenient it is, it is allowed.

That's why I draw a teacher.

That's my ideal world. At the end of it, a bonus. I think it would be too convenient to suddenly appear a teacher who did not appear in that world. But if you're going to make my [wish] come true, you have to let the teacher stay.

... when I started thinking about it, I got a little excited. You're sad and lonely, like you can squeeze your chest. That's exciting. This excitement is the first excitement I've had since I was born.

When the story is finished, the book is finished, I return to reality, and... what I draw is an extra piece. If you're going to say it in a book, it's the back cover.

It's an egotistical piece to free yourself from the sense of obligation, just to organize your feelings by conveniently realizing what you love in your paintings. So, it's just exciting. I'm not nervous.

How do you make it so much fun? How would I be happy?... just thinking about it, I'm going to draw a rough picture.

... I see. If you can attach such a "bonus" at your most convenience... I'd like to see you again. The teacher made a gesture and said, "Hey, Togo, what's wrong? Make a face like that 'or something.

That's right. That's right. If the teacher comes out, it must be very sudden and cluttered... the teacher will come out with a face that looks like "normal".

... so I'm going to draw a rough painting.

Inside the longitudinal kamaboko type, there is a forest. Outside, in the teacher's house, in my room.

I wonder if the forest and the teacher's house are on the other side and this side of the new [gate].