The picturesque rice cakes are delicious today

So I'll do my best.

Analyze your feelings with the lid you've never really understood.

And put that into words. That's the goal today.

... I don't like it. This. Wow.

But... I can't say I'm not good at it, so I just have to work hard. Not just for Faye, just for me.

... so I sat back on the bed in the room, which was totally like my room, and I was just thinking.

I think... I've thought a little bit about it at the Geolen house.

That's what I'm talking about, apart from "painting" and "making painting work".

But I have to think about it, otherwise, and, hey, I've got thoughts everywhere, and I can't think together.... Maybe I just don't want to think about it.

"Hey."

Laocles called out to me like that.

"What's bothering you"

"About Making Painting Work"

When I answered, I was nodded at with a face like 'I guess so'.

"… is it likely that your thoughts will be gathered"

"Hmmm......"

Honestly, it's not going to get entangled. But I have to put it together. Because I can't throw up weak sounds......

"Then talk about it. I don't think I can advise you, but there are some things you can sort out by telling someone."

... but that's what Laocles said, he brought a chair across from me and sat there.

Can you sort it out by talking?

"... the teacher said the same thing."

Yeah. I think the teacher said the same thing. "It seems that the world's programmers have noticed their mistakes or come up with solutions to their problems by explaining the program towards the void and toy ducks. I'm not a programmer, but when I try, it works. [M] However, I wouldn't recommend it to Togo because I tried it against the wall and it almost lost my sanity... 'or something.

Then he said, 'I don't feel like it interferes with my spirit for what I'm telling Togo, not the wall. So Togo. I'm sorry, but I can talk to you a little. Be a part of it. Because I didn't have to ask. You can paint for me!' He used to talk extensively beside me painting.

"Doctor?... Huh, right. Did your master tell you that? I was taught that by the innkeeper."

"Yeah. Then we're together."

Apparently, Laocles, in the same way, taught this to someone he respects, that's what I mean. Yeah. A little more intimacy.

"... so what do you say? I may not have enough."

"Yeah. That's not true"

Laocles' offer is very much appreciated. Yeah. Right. To put it into words, you should try to get it out. I'm sure that happens.

"... Well, I'm sorry, but you're gonna listen to me, I guess"

"Oh."

That's how I decided to try and get Raocles out of my head. [M]

"Can I do my job of painting? Can I get to work?"

The first time I tried to put that in my mouth, that was just a little bit, and my head was clear. Wow.

"... I thought you were talking about making it work"

"No, I do... I thought in the first place, if I just painted, I wouldn't have to work to paint."

Hmm, Raocles nodded.

"I guess."

"Yeah."

Yeah.

... If this is going to end, there is nothing wrong with it.

"I want to paint. That's all, so I figured if the reason I wanted to be a Redgard painter was because it would be stable, or because it would be safe, or... you know, my brother-in-law to the Faye and Redgard people, I should stop. But even if I subtract all the neighborhoods, I kind of got lost."

Something, get caught. I don't know what the hell that is, but it does catch something, and I'm lost.

"Then it would also mean that you are attracted to signing with the Redgard family"

"Hmmm...... yeah. Maybe."

I don't know. There, after all, yet, I'm not sure.

Fame or something. Become a hug painter, do I want something like that? [M] If so, is that... lame? Shallow or mean? I wonder what it is. But I'm sure I feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn't ask for fame. There, I have to keep a lid on it.

So what I'm attracted to is money, huh? No, but I don't have any trouble with the money, I think. I feel like that's all I could live with if I painted and put out the gems.

But nevertheless, somehow… I am also certain that there is something about 'making painting a profession' that attracts me.

I don't think I should reach out, but I'm trying to reach out.

Even though I know I shouldn't. Even though this is no good.

"... even though I feel right that I can't, still, I still care"

I wonder why. I don't really know how I feel about myself.

... If I was a little confused, suddenly, Laocles said.

"Admire, huh?

"Ako, come on."

"Oh. Didn't I?

Back up. Back up...

I tried to whine in my mouth and the word 'admire' calmed down in me.

It's like, I've been here a long time, like that. Or, really, like I've been there forever.

... right. Apparently, I admired the idea of painting.

I admire it. Yeah. Well, I've always admired painting. [M]... I admire it. Is that what you mean?

Wow. Talking to Laocles keeps getting more and more thoughts in me.

When thoughts become words, they become aware of their feelings. I'm still a little surprised by how I feel about myself.

"If you admire it, you can make it work. Enough, I can reach admiration. As long as you choose. What can I get lost in?

Then, Laocles also reopened the question for me. Yeah. Thanks.

"What's the anxiety? That your strengths don't meet the expectations of the other guy? You don't have to worry about a living. You can't possibly be resistant to painting in itself."

"I don't know. Maybe all of it."

So when I answer that, Laocles looks surprised.

"... livelihoods, too? I don't think I can resist painting."

"Hmmm......" Making a living from painting, "maybe. Painting, about... hmm."

That's what I say, but I look for the identity of what I've been doing for so long. What the hell is this?

... Thinking about it doesn't get me thinking about it. So just a fragment of that idea, for now, I'll just try to get it out of my mouth.

"... I am reluctant to sell paintings"

"Right."

"I don't like having to use my favorite paintings for things I don't even like."

"Right."

"And I don't like it when it comes to drawing and selling"

"Oh, well done."

"And then I feel worse about selling things that aren't paintings while I'm painting"

"I guess..."

"... while I'm doing that, I don't like the fact that I'm going to hate the painting"

When I said that, Laocles nodded as he was convinced.

Yeah.... I guess choosing to paint as a profession is just not the same as painting.

Painting becomes an obligation. I have to prioritize my work over my feelings. I'm not going to know where my feelings are while I'm doing so.

Not to mention, in my case, "painting" and "materializing a picture" are a piece of paper. I feel like I don't know the boundaries of painting or putting something out.

"If you don't like painting, maybe I'm... acting like someone else"

"... oh"

Above all, painting is like a pillar that supports a human being named me. If I hate painting, maybe I can't be me anymore.

I don't like that... then.

Then.

"Above all, I'm scared, then, at..."

Ahead.

If you try to solve all the problems you have to clean up in yourself instead of bending yourself over to 'make the painting work' … the walls I have to go beyond will be very high.

"If you're going to push all those endeavors through and paint, you have to be strong enough to be recognized by many, and in the first place..."

Breathe once.

Breathe fast. My heart is fast. Don't say it.

But I have to put it into words.

"I have to be recognized by people to do my job of painting... maybe that's what I'm afraid of"

I'm afraid people will have to admit it.

For a while, it was quiet.

I've had things swirling in my head at school and at home. [M] They are all a combination of scary or unpleasant memories, and the sights, the voices directed at them, the gaze, they all overflow and crush me.

Gold medal received at the Drawing Works Exhibition. Paintings decorated inside the room of the house. Composition of "Dreams of the Future" submitted. Parents with troubled faces. Paper with no number. The wall of the room where the painting was stripped.

I saw it in the garbage bag, gold paper.

Art textbooks. Watercolor paint and acrylic paint. The sketchbook I bought for the dime I was getting.

Letters from 'Law School' written in the Pathway Hope Survey. The smile of my parents. Praise for the right thing to do.

... There must have been some memories between them that weren't scary, fun, and delightful, but none of that comes out, and all those things that were scary and disgusting overflow.

"Hey."

Raocles stretches out his hand and flaunts his body, shrinking.

Cold. I don't feel it in my hands. Scary. My body doesn't move. Stuck breathing. I can't think of anything.

... but somehow, I manage to push those that occupy my head, cover them, clean them up.

I'm fine. I've done it many times before. I know it's best not to remember this kind of thing.

I took a few conscious deep breaths and I'm fine now.

I scratched a little nasty sweat, but I wipe my forehead and raise my face.

... Then Laocles and I met eye to eye there.

Apparently, they were staring at me. Maybe all the while I'm cleaning up.

... Laocles, thin, long, exhaled. That was like a sigh, but not a sigh. 'This is not a sigh. So it doesn't represent disappointment or disappointment' even seemed to me to be my utmost concern. Then... even to calm Laocles himself down, it seemed.

"Towgo."

"Yeah."

They called me by my name, and I calmed down a little too. Then, speaking of which, I guess it was the first time Laocles had called me by name.

"... and I don't think I should."

"... yeah"

And Laocles, lost, lost... cautiously, said.

"Then isn't that what you longed for?"

"I admire being allowed to paint by others, and that's why you were afraid of that, wasn't it?

For a while, the words didn't come to my mind.

But I repeated it in my head a few times, slowly, slowly chewed it up... and it settled down.

Then I get the words out of me one by one to see what's in me.

"... I didn't have the guts to admit it. I didn't want people to admit it."

Talk, taking care not to remember as much as possible.

But when I put it into words, it was like another HR, and it didn't get that bad in my head.

"I didn't think you'd admit it."

"... right"

Once here, separate words. Breathe in, puke.

... Yeah, I'm fine.

Out of the way, it's okay. Maybe it's a very healthy thing to say. At least, it's better than holding it in me all the time.

Now, I was facing something much easier and scarier than I thought.

"That's why I wrote law school"

"Hogakub?"

Yeah. Law school.

I don't have a problem with it, I think it's "an answer that looks like Kiryu Above."

... It was easier to get a look at "Kiryu Above" than to make him admit "Togo".

Because I was scared, I wore the shell of "Upper Kiryu". That would have helped 'Togo'.

I could have been an idiot. Even though I stuck in a hard, narrow shell and my breath would stuck to death anyway.

But I had to. Maybe that's what I had to do.

I was still alive. [M] Sometimes the teacher lifted the end of the shell I wore a little and said, "Togo, you really like to paint".

That's why I'm alive. And I came to this world... and I wanted to live, and I wanted to.

This' I want to live 'doesn't mean I want to be moving my heart and breathing... it's' I want to live 'in a much more selfish way.

Can I live? [M] That's allowed in this world. Oh, my God, can that happen?

"... I have feelings that I would expect, that I would be afraid of falling short of expectations."

When I put it into words, I felt like fear would win more. But Raocles is listening quietly in front of me, so I have to tell you.

"But maybe, after all, I still get lost... because I admire it, I think what"

"To be recognized by people. Because I'm like this, you have to admit it."

... I think maybe this world isn't that different from the original one either. I just thought about this one.

I will find more value in materializing painting than painting. [M]

I guess I find more value in myself than in my paintings.

... and its worth, I'm sure, will bury me. I was led to 'success' independently of the painting, and I'm sure... I'm dying.

The 'dying' here is, after all, not the guy whose heart stops and breathes, but the 'death' of the part of his body that isn't.

Same in all worlds.

In the end, I... have to ask you to give up in order to live.

"I like to paint. If you can't paint, it's not much different than being dead. So even if I know I can't have a successful life if I'm painting, I want to be painting. I want to paint because I can live a failed life."

"I guess so. You look like such a creature."

Laocles nodded with a slightly relieved face. I'm happy with that, I'm reliable.

But I close my eyes.

This is not Laocles, not me... I have to tell the person I want to say this most and the people I have to say it most.

"I want you to forgive me for choosing the path I will fail. You don't have to support me."

"... and I've always wanted to say"

I could finally say.

When I put it in my mouth, I was so scared.

But finally, I felt like I could breathe. This is probably how a newborn baby feels when she first breathes on her own.

... Would the teacher laugh when he hears this, that's a simple word. Would I laugh like you? [M]... Well, whatever it is, it will please you.

He liked my words, too, just as I liked the teacher's shitty graffiti.

And then... what would my parents have said if they had heard this?

I guess they pissed me off. I wonder if you've been duped in silence. Or maybe he was put in a mental hospital or something.

... Without being told anything, I wonder if there was to have been nothing the next day. Yeah. I feel that way. Maybe 'Togo' will be decided not to exist. That's why I'm staying at Kiryu Above. You know, with the kanji... and I'm sure I was' successful '. I didn't even want it. As you wish. Stay away from' Togo '.

"Is that neat?"

"Yeah. Much."

This is what I was trying to say, and when I realized it, I calmed down a lot.

My desire to work on painting is because being able to work on painting is, for me, 'allowed to paint'.

"I don't need 'success'. Of course, I know I can't live with that. I mean, they don't want that way of life."

It has also been said that you can look up. [M] I've been told I want you to be happy. It's been said that many people can't reach you if they want to get what you can get.

I know they want 'success'. If I care about it, I can get it.

But to me, it was just, like, annoying.

"So I can die. I know. I know someone who doesn't want me to die. I know... maybe I can't live with it."

I want you to live. I want you to be happy. I couldn't breathe enough to be told that. 'Cause that's what they say and it was death to me that was ahead of me.

"... I wanted you to give up. I'm a creature who can't live like he wanted me to."

I just couldn't breathe, I was afraid of all sorts of things, and, just, I'm sorry.

Raised 'in earnest', I can reach a life of 'success'. Yet I can't hope for it.

I guess it's me who's weird.

I grew up liking something useless and couldn't live without it.

I know it's weird. I don't think it should be. I'm sorry. So... I wanted you to give up. I'm not as good a creature as you think I am, 'cause I wanted you to be disappointed. But at the same time, I was afraid of being disappointed.

It's full of contradictions.

So all this time, I couldn't put this into words.

... but I could put it into words, because I'm already clear. So it's okay now.