The Simpsons

[Chorus] ## The Simpsons ## [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [Troy McClure] Live from beautiful Laughlin, Nevada it's the Miss American Girl Pageant. Brought to you by: Smell like Streep For cheap! I'm your host, Troy McClure. And now, here come the ladies! - [ Applause ] - ## [ Singing ] [ Troy] Like Miss South Dakota. Miss North Carolina. Miss Indiana. Miss Alaska. Kids, I won't be home tonight, so I'm leaving you some low-cal microwavable TV dinners. - Uh-- - Okay. I'm auditioning for a play. It's a musical version Of A Street car Named Desire. Isn't that exciting? [ Troy] If you ask me, they're all winners! We'll be cutting our first Let's take a minute to meet our distinguished panel of judges. Skin-care consultant, Roweena. Syndicated columnist, William F. George. Token black panelist, Drederick Tatum. And Mr. Boswell, the man behind those infamous worst-dressed lists. Mr. Boswell, can you give us a sneak peek at this year's list? Memo to Goldie Hawn: cheerleading tryouts were 30 years ago. Let's grow up, shall we? - [ All Laughing ] - He's such a bitch. I haven't been in a play since high school and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults. - Sounds interesting. - You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie and sometimes it's like I don't even exist. - Sounds interesting. - [ Groans ] It's time to name our five finalists starting with Miss Montana. - [Applause] - A beaut from Butte. - Miss South Carolina. - Nothin' could be finer. - Miss Delaware. - She, uh-- - Good for her. - ## [ Singing Scales ] Marge, keep it down in there! Homer, my audition is in half-- Hey, look, it's last year's winner, Debra Jo Smallwood! Tonight, my reign as Miss American Girl comes to an end. And I'd like to apologize one last time for my unfortunate remarks at the United Nations. [ Classical ] Maggie, cut that racket! And where exactly Are you going? I'm auditioning for a play. - Well, this is the first I've heard about it. - I told you several times. It's a musical version Of A Streetcar Na-- Excuse me, Marge! I think that if you told me, I would remember. I mean, I'm not an idiot! - Hm. Well, I-I thought I told you. - Kids, back me up. - He's right, Mom. - Sorry. Match point-- Homer. - I'm sorry, honey. - It's okay. We're none of us perfect. - ####[Piano] - ####[Singers Warming Up] [ Vocalizing ] - Well, howdy-do, neighbor. - Hi, Ned. - I didn't know you were an actor. - Oh, indeedily-doodily. Uh, I've even been in Streetcar once before. I played Blanche DuBois. Mm-hmm. Just part of the fun Of going to an all-male school. Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair. I have directed three plays in my career and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care. I'm planning for a fourth. Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class. Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic. - Quiet! - Sorry. I am not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Hanukkah I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review, "Play Enjoyed By All, '" speaks for itself. Hm. Those auditioning for the role of Stanley take off your shirts. Take off your shirts! [ Repeating In French ] Schnell! Schnell! Schnell! Uh-uh. Nope. Try joining a gym. Oh, ye gods! Hey, man, if you like that, you should see my butt. You. You're my Stanley. Hot diggity! How 'bout that, Marge? Little ol' Stanley me. [ Chuckles ] [ Weakly] "Stella. Stella!" [ Laughs ] - ## [ Singing ] - Next! - ## [ Singing ] - Next! - ## [ Singing ] - Next! - ## [ Singing ] - Thank you for nothing. You're all terrible! What you ladies don't understand is that Blanche is a delicate flower being trampled by an uncouth lout-- [ Sighs ] Forget it! just strike the sets. Clear the stage. This production is-- Homie, I didn't get the part. You were right. Outside interests are stupid. Wait a minute. [ Groans ] I'll come home right away. All right. I'll pick up a bucket Of fried chicken, extra skin rolls, chocolate cream parfait-- - [ Gasps ] - Stop bothering my Blanche! Oh! I play an aging Southern beauty who's driven to insanity by her brutish brother-in-law, Stanley. Wow! My mother the actress. I feel like Lucie Arnaz Luckinbill. Are there any jive-talking robots in this play? I don't think so. Bart, don't ask stupid questions. - Is there any frontal nudity? - No, Homer. My name is Helen Lovejoy, and I'll be playing Stella. I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve. My name is "Ot-to!" I'm playing "Pab-lo!" Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. - I also play Mitch. - I'm Marge Simpson. I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone. - Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality? - I would. - Stanley-- - Yeah? You're pulsing with animal lust! You take Blanche and you fling her roughly to the bed. Roger-dodger. Grr. Aww, isn't that cute! And me without a camera. Here. My sister runs a day care center. Hmm. I guess a few weeks wouldn't hurt her. Maggie is allergic To strained pears and she likes a bottle of warm milk before nap time. A bottle? [ Laughs ] Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby's saying when she reaches for a bottle? - "Ba-ba?" - She's saying, "I am a leech. " Our aim here is to develop the bottle within. That sounds awfully harsh. Mrs. Simpson, I don't like to toot my own horn but we're the only day care center in town that's not currently under investigation by the state. Oh. Well, be a good girl, Maggie. I'm sorry, Maggie. We don't allow these here. You're a dame and I'm a fella Stanley, stop or I'll tell Stella Passion, Mrs. Simpson. Anger. - This man disgusts you! - #All I want is one embrace # I'll twist this bottle in your face Mm. Mm. Mm! [ Chuckles ] Here, Marge, let me. Hate to be an armchair Blanche but I always gave it one of these-- - There. There's the ol' face-shredder. - Oh. Mrs. Simpson, if you set out to push the bile to the tip of my throat mission accomplished! I'm, uh-- I'm gonna crawl into bed with a bottle of amaretto. Good day. [ Homer] Easy, easy. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes-- D'oh! [ Electronic Voice ] Homer, can you run some lines with me? - Make Bart do it. - It'll just take a sec. - Gutter ball! - D'oh! You see, Marge, while you're Off in your own little world you forgot that other people have problems too. [ Sighs ] [Action Movie Theme] [ Objects Crashing ] Don't like to nap, eh? We have a place for babies like you-- the box! All right, let "ham-ateur" night in Dixie commence. I'm sorry, Llewellyn, I just-- I just don't see why Blanche should shove a broken bottle in Stanley's face. Couldn't she just take his abuse with gentle good humor? Marge, your ride's here. Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more! You're a dame and I'm a fella Stanley, stop or I'll tell Stella Marge. Marge! I'm asking For white-hot rage and you're giving me a hissy fit. Marge, can I get some change for the candy machine? - Oh, here! - [ Clattering ] Hey, there's some quarters in here. I just don't see what's so bad about Stanley. [ Grunting ] Stanley is thoughtless, violent and loud. Marge, every second you spend with this man he is crushing your fragile spirit. You can't let that happen. [Yelling] Whoo-hoo! Come to papa. Marge, I'll be out in the car. All I want is one embrace - [Car Horn Honking] - Marge, move it or lose it. I'll twist this bottle in your face Aaah! Hallelujah! I've done it again! Ned, you're supposed to overpower her. I'm trying. I'm trying. [ Straining ] - Salt me. - [ Southern Accent ] Here you are, Homer. What the-- Why are you talking like that? The play's tomorrow night. [ With Accent ] I've got to stay in character. - [ With Accent ] Would it help if I talked like this too? - It might. [ Cockney Accent ] An' I'll talk like 'is. Bob's yer uncle, mate. That really doesn't help, Bart. Big Daddy, would y'all mind passin' a lil' ol' biscuit? Can I slog off school tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver. I'm livin' in a cuckoo clock! Oh, see you later, kids. I've got to go rehearse with Ned. But, Marge, what about dessert? For God's sakes, you can pull the lid off your own can of pudding! Fine. I will! [ Screeches ] Oh, no. My pudding is trapped forever! So I can open my own can Of pudding, can I? Shows what you know, Marge. Marge! Hey, Marge! Keep yelling, you big ape. Aren't you being a little hard on old Homie? Oh, forget about him. Let's rehearse the bottle scene. Oh! Let's not and say we did. Hmm? - [ Muttering Lines ] - So, what time does this play start? - Why? Are you going? - Well, I gotta go, don't I? I'm sure you won't enjoy it. There's nothing about bowling in the play. - Oh, wait, there is. - Probably not much of it. Why can't you be a little more supportive? 'Cause I don't care, okay? I can't fake an interest in this and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects. - What "kooky projects"? - You know, the painting class the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing. Why didn't you tell me you felt this way? You know I would never do anything to hurt your feelings. Good night. [ Snores ] [ Groans ] Playing nicely, little humans? Good, good. Hello, Maggie. Poor little "dummard. " [Action Movie Theme] Hey, kids! I'm flame-retardant. [ Laughs ] [Footsteps Approaching] [ Gasps ] If I break, buy a new one. [Laughs] - [Shatters] - [ Gasps ] [ Squealing ] Maggie, time to go to the-- [Screeches] [ Loud Sucking ] [ Shudders ] Babies. Perhaps we are all A little mad we who don the cap and bells and tread beneath the proscenium arch. But tonight, you will all be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites into white-hot grease fires of pure entertainment! Except you. You're not working out. - I'll be playing your part. - Drag. - [Murmuring] - ####[Piano: Intro] Long before the Superdome Where the Saints of football play Lived a city that the damned call home Hear their hellish Rondelet [ Creaking ] [Orchestra] New Orleans Home of pirates drunks and whores New Orleans Tacky, overpriced souvenir stores If you wanna go to hell you should take that trip To the Sodom and Gomorrah on the "Mississip" New Orleans Stinking, rotten "vomity" vile New Orleans Putrid, brackish maggoty, foul New Orleans Crummy, lousy rancid and rank New Orleans [Woman] What's the matter, honey? Are you lost? [Marge] I'm lookin' for my sister, Stella. - [Lisa] It's Mom! - Huh? My name is Blanche DuBois. [Jazz] I thought my life would be a Mardi Gras A never-ending party Ha! I'm a faded Southern dame Without a dime I'm collecting for the Evening Star. Come here. I want to kiss you just once, softly and sweetly on your mouth. [Orchestra] I am just a simple paperboy No romance do I seek I just wanted 40 cents For my deliveries last week Will this bewitching floozy Seduce this humble newsie Oh, what's a paperboy to - # Do # - ####[Ends] Whoo-hoo! - ####[Orchestra] - Stella! Stella! Can't you hear me yell-a You're puttin' me through hell-a Stella Stella! Oh! Oh! Cool. She can fly. I think it's supposed to symbolize her descent into madness. - Oh! Oh! Oh! - ####[Fades] Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. - ####[Orchestra] - #You can always depend on the kindness of strangers # To buck up your spirits and shield you from dangers Now here's a tip from Blanche you won't regret A stranger's just a friend you haven't met You haven't met - Streetcar! - ####[Ends] Yea! Ah! [ Chuckles ] [ Together] Yea! You people out there, you're the stars. Cool! Hey, look at me. I'm Blanche DuBois. - Mom! - [ Grunts ] - Way to go, Mom! - Everybody was cheering for you! - Almost everybody. - Kids, wait in the car. I want to talk to your mother about this play thing. [ With Accent ] Lookin' for a spot off un with the missus, hey, guv'nor? Shut up, boy. Marge, you were terrific. Oh, come on, Homer. By the end, you were so bored you could barely keep your selfish head up. I wasn't bored. I was sad. It really got to me how that lady, uh, um-- - You know which one I mean. You played her. - Blanche. Yeah. How Blanche was sad. And how that guy Stanley should have been nice to her. Yeah? Go on. I mean, it made me feel bad. The poor thing ends up being hauled to the nuthouse when all she needed was for that big slob to show her some respect. Well, at least that's what I thought. I have a history of missing the point of stuff like this. No, Homer, you got it just right. Hey, you know, I'm a lot like that guy. - Really? - Yeah, like when I pick my teeth with the mail and stuff. Well, maybe just a little. - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!