The Simpsons

[Chorus] ## The Simpsons ## [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Exhales ] Eye of the tiger, Bart. Eye of the-- [ Grunts ] - I stopped it. - And I hurt somebody. Ha-ha. [ Blows Whistle ] Boys, it wasn't easy choosing only one of you for the free week at Pele's Soccer and Acting Camp. Let's all congratulate Nelson! - [Scattered Clapping] - Thanks, Dad! Told ya. [Car Approaching] - [ Tires Screech ] - Come on, Bart. We're gonna go sneak into an R-rated movie. It's called Barton Fink. I can't. I told my dad I'd wait for him. Barton Fink! Barton Fink! - [ Tires Screeching ] - Barton Fink! Homer, we're going to my sisters'. - Remember, pick up Bart. - I'm on my way. [ Applause On TV] - [Door Closes] - [ Chuckling ] What'd you say, Marge? - [Thunder Rumbling] - [ Moans ] That could be Dad. Station wagon. Luggage rack. [ Singing Pop ] [Singing Stops] [Thunderclap] Wha-- [ Grunts ] Dad, where are you? [ Announcer] Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares? [ Shivering ] This isn't funny! Homer Simpson. Homer Simpson. Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart! "Trab Pu Kcip. " "Trab Pu Kcip!" What have we told you about writing on the walls? Go to your room! [TV Announcer] After 16gloriousseasons the Green Bay faithful bid farewell to Bryan Bartlett Starr. Hmm. I keep thinking I'm forgetting something. [Crowd On TV] Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart. Bart. Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. - Bart. - [ Belching ] Bart. I can't think with all this noise. What am I supposed to do? [ Thinking ] Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart. "Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"? [ Snoring ] [ Tires Screech ] Bart? Bart! [ Gasps ] Why? How? When? Which? Bart! Dad, hide your shame! - [Ned]Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle. - Shutup, Flanders. Hey, boy, how was soccer practice? [ Air Hissing ] [Tires Screeching] Hey, Bart. Son? Here's my way Of saying I'm sorry. Ooh. I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kind of mad too. I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong, and that'll be that. [ Scary Voice ] Now, how 'bout a hug? - [Krusty On TV]Hello, New York. - [Audience Cheering] When Lorne asked me to host this show I said, "Lorne, why me?" [ Laughing ] I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler and Tova Borgnine-- Yeah! [ Man Coughing ] Anyway, we got a great show for you. Well, actually the last half hour's a real garbage dump. [ Sighs ] We'll be right back. [ Blues ] I miss Joe Piscopo. - [ Man ] Lost your dad? - Uh-huh. - He's not coming back, is he? - He might. No, he's not. But at Bigger Brothers, we can help. Hello, Bigger Brothers? My name is Bart Simpson and I don't have a father. [ Announcer] And now it's time for another episode of-- Honey, I'm home. Oh, I got wax in my ears. Better clean 'em. - Hah? Hah? - [ Man In Audience Coughing ] [ Groans ] This goes on for 1 2 more minutes. So the last time you saw your father was six years ago? Yeah. He left me out on the curb for the ashman. What a revoltin' development. You brave little soldier. I've been saving someone special for a case like yours. [ Tires Screech ] [ Gasping ] - Bart Simpson? - Yo. I'm Tom. Let's ride. Ohh. Bart's dad has really pulled himself together. - Bart's not mad at me. - He called you a bad father. Marge, when kids these days say "bad," they mean "good. " And to shake your booty means to wiggle one's butt. - Permit me to demonstrate. - No! I just think you should talk to Bart about-- Good Lord! Homer, do you have an explanation for this bill? Oh, it's that record club. The first nine were only a penny. Then they jacked up the price! [ Crying ] It's not fair. It's not fair, I tells ya. No, no. Someone made $300 worth of phone calls to something called the "Corey Hotline. " - Wasn't me. - [ Gasps ] Lisa! Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa? I did. - Dad, can I-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, honey, I know what you're going through. When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman. The point is I want you to stop making these calls. All right, Mom. I promise you will never be billed for another call. [ Giggling ] Bobby Sherman. [ Groans ] - ####["Charge'"] - [ Chattering ] [ All ] Charge! - Your dad ever take you to baseball games? - Nah. His game was blackjack. He bet our life savings on a single hand. - Nineteen. - Hit me. - Twenty. - Hit me. - Twenty-one. - Hit me. - Twenty-two. - D'oh! If I ever meet your dad-- [Man On P. A. ] The start of the game will be delayed so we can introduce the recruiter for the Springfield Communist Party. - [Crowd Jeering] - Boo! [ Sighs ] This is better than dart day. Now, you just let those ear drops sit for about 20 minutes. If you get bored, here's a MASH coloring book. Here's a good one-- "Hawkeye's antics irritate the other surgeons. " [ Chuckles ] [ Man ] Hi, you've reached the Corey Hotline-- 4. 95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Glory, story-- - [ Sighs ] - allegory, Montessori. [ Straining ] Okay, Bart, tomorrow we'll blast your quads. [ Slurping ] This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy. That's not meatball soup. That's my collection of fur balls in stomach acid. You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man! Someday, I want to be an F-1 4 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter. [ Whirring ] Hey-- [ Grunting ] He's not dead, is he, Bart? Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for a while. Very good, Bart. Thank you. Don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup. Mmm. Milhouse, you're next. Uh, I have a horsie. [ Imitates Neighing ] Wuss! [Grampa] Lisa, I'm glad you came. I know you young'uns think we old-timers aren't any fun but we'll show 'em. We'll show 'em all! [ Laughing ] [ Snoring ] - [ Gasps ] - [ Dialing, Ringing ] Hi, this is Corey. I hope you and I can get married someday. Hey, boy, where're you going? - Father-son picnic. - Have a good time. - [Door Slamming] - Hey-- Wait a minute. Lisa, I know I can trust you - to inventory this glee club peanut brittle. - Yes, Principal Skinner. Now, I gotta slash So long [ Mumbles ] science. - Ah, music and art. - [ Beeping ] - What in blazes? - [ Beeping Continues ] - [ Rings ] - Good Lord! That's a 900 number. [ Corey] Let's see what's in the newspaper today. - [ Paper Rustling ] - Hmm. Canada stalls on trade pact. - [ Clicks ] - [ Gasps ] Hey, look at that forest fire down there. - Yeah, great. - What's the matter? Well, I've been thinking, you've been really great to me but there's probably some other kid who needs you even more. Bart, I could kiss you if the Bigger Brothers hadn't made me sign a form promising I wouldn't. No one needs me more than a child with your tragic upbringing. Now, let's set down at that frogurt stand. So, that's it! [ Engine Whirring, Tires Screeching ] Hello, son. - Where have you been? - Playing with Milhouse. No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? - Look at me! - Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard. How would you like me to take it? "Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun. I'll be waiting for you"? I'm sorry. - I can't do it! - Well, what are you gonna do? [ Gulps ] Oh-ho. You'll see. And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother? [ Thinking ] Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Uh, revenge? [ Thinking ] That's it. I'm gettin' out of here. [ Footsteps Departing, Door Slamming ] Welcome aboard, Mr. Simpson. Any of these boys would be thrilled to have a bigger brother like you. Ugly. Wiener. Crater-face. Suey! Suey! Eh, maybe this was a mistake. Do you have a bigger brother for me yet? Okay. I'll be back in an hour. [Door Closes] [ Whimpering, Sniffing ] I'll take him. Do you have him in blond? Lisa, the only way you'll lick this is one day at a time. If you can make it to midnight without calling the Corey line you'll know you've beaten it forever. -[Lisa] Midnight? - Listen to your mother, Lisa. I owe everything I have to my mother's watchful eye and swift hand. Oh, there's Mother now-- - [Crow Cawing] - watching me. What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here. It's school business. I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore! - [ Groans ] I think we should go. - Uh-huh. [Sirens Blaring In Distance] [ Snoring ] [ Chuckling ] just like Oscar the Grouch. - Pepi! - Papa Homer! Son, your life is gonna get better - starting now. - Ow. Your son Bart sounds very bad. Oh, he is. Son, I just want you to know I love you very much. Shut up! Mmm. Grapefruit. [ Slurps ] I just press this button and the door opens like magic. - Why does it stop there? - Because it's a stupid piece of junk! [ Shouting ] Well, I'd better Get you home. - What's the matter? - I've spent every night of my life in the city. I have never seen the stars. Tell me more. I want to know all the constellations. Well, there's jerry the cowboy. And that big dipper looking thing is Alan the cowboy. Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learned. [ Laughs ] "Learnd," son. It's pronounced "learnd. " I love you, Papa Homer. I love you too, Pepsi. - Pepi. - Pepi. [ Thinking ] Gotta make it till midnight. Gotta make it till midnight. [ Ringing ] - [ Ticking ] - [ Needles Clicking ] [Noises Intensify] Must you be forever dialing that phone? Excuse me. Oh, come on. Hurry! Lisa? Oh, Lisa. You tried your best. [ Operator] At the tone, the time will be [ Beeps ] I made it. [ Theme ] [ Groaning ] [ Screams ] [ Growling ] Hey, Homer, have you seen my skateboard? - I gave it to Pepi. - Who the hell is Pepi? He's my little brother. That's right. You're not the only one who can abuse a nonprofit organization. Who needs you? Tom's a better father than you ever were. Come on, Bart. We had our fun. Remember when I used to push you on the swing? I was fakin' it. - [ Gasps ] Liar! - Oh, yeah? Remember this? "Higher, Dad. Higher. - "Whee! Whee! Push harder, Dad. " - Hey, stop that. - "Come on! Higher! Higher! Faster!" - Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You know, the whale is not really a fish. They're mammals, like you and me. - Is that true? - [ Snorts ] No. [Dolphin Twittering] - Whoo! [ Laughing ] Come and get it. - [ Twitters ] Whoo! [ Laughing ] Come and get it. Whoo! [ Laughing ] Stupid dolphin. - [ Chirps ] - You g-- Hey! Hey! [ Grunting ] - [ Twittering ] - [ Grunts ] He got my hot dog! - [Grunting] - Uh-oh. Better not let him see me. What the-- Oh, it's you. [ Clicks Tongue ] So, you're looking well. Come on, Bart. You know better than to talk to strangers. For your information, I'm his father. His father-- the drunken gambler? That's right. And who might you be? [ Grunts ] Hi-yah! [ Shouting ] Hai! Ho! Hah! Woo! There you go, fellas. D'oh! - Look! There's another disadvantaged boy. - Where? [Grunting] There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief. They still sell those frozen bananas? - I think so. - Let's roll. This just in. A fistfight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. All right. I could use some names. I. P. Freely. L-- [ Groans ] [Blow Landing] - [ Grunts ] - [ Grunting ] [ Shouting ] [Glass Shattering] [Homer Groaning] - Uh, Homer? - [ Grunting ] Oh, right. [Grunts] [ Both Grunting, Shouting ] [Yelling] - [ Bones Cracking ] - This is even more painful than it looks. This is all my fault, Dad. I didn't want you to get hurt. Now I need to find another little brother. And I need to find another big brother. My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home. And me, I have no ride at all. I already bought a giant ham for dinner. It's gonna go to waste. Don't talk about food. I'm so hungry. - Well, good-bye. - Well, good-bye. Wait. I've got an idea. - An idea? - Huh? - Another beer, Dad? - Thanks, son. Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac" and when he let you go you kicked him in the back? [ Chuckling ] Yeah? Will you teach me how to do that? Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman. And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back. -And then when he's lying out on the ground-- - Yeah? - Kick him in the ribs. - Yeah? -Step on his neck. - Yeah? -And run like hell. -[Both Laughing] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!